Native Minnow

Easily confused

2012-02-05T05:52:00.000-08:00

Earlier this week a colleague asked, "The Super Bowl is this week, right?"

"Yeah. Sunday."

"It's Sunday? I thought it was Thursday. Isn't it always on February 2?"

"Nope, you've got Super Bowl Sunday confused with Groundhog Day."

"Well, I knew something was happening Thursday."

I'm a man, a man of simple pleasures, I got all I need . . .

2012-02-01T19:37:00.000-08:00

The other day I received a picture text from a girl:

I responded with: I'll be right over.

I'm only sharing this in case you were wondering what sexting with me would be like.

Wishin' my week away

2012-01-23T22:18:00.000-08:00

Baby we were born to die

2012-01-11T21:23:00.000-08:00

The other day my brother put something on Facebook about how he feels middle aged already because he never does anything fun on weekends anymore.

I left a comment saying, "Uh, news flash, you're PAST middle aged."

Later I asked him if he thought I was a dick for putting that.

Him: No, but you're wrong. I'm not middle aged yet because I'm going to live to be 85 or older.

Me: I don't want to live that long. I need to die before I turn 65.

Him: You don't want to meet your grandkids?

Me: Dude, I'll probably have grandkids in the next five years or so.

Him: Oh yeah. Well what about your great-grandkids? Don't you want to get to know them?

Me: Nah. Fuck those assholes.

Once I was afraid of love, but when it's your brother those things change

2012-01-08T10:17:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I got a Sunday morning phone call. It was my dad, asking me about one of my high school friends and if I knew whether something had happened to him. My dad had seen something on Facebook that suggested that something had. Sadly, my friend had passed away early that morning. Nothing prepares you for that kind of news. I know I'm not exactly young anymore, but I'm still too young to be losing friends. It was a heartbreaking moment.

I wasn't able to attend his funeral. I tried and tried to figure out a way that I could make it all work, but just couldn't manage it. I'll probably always regret not going, but at least I sent his family a card with a little bit of cash to put toward funeral costs and a brief note telling them of a few fond memories I have of him, so hopefully they know he was in my thoughts.

I've mentioned him a few times on this blog: There was the time he and I killed Ramone, I told you about him coming up with what might be the best catch phrase ever (see the footnote on the linked post), and he also came up with the worst pick-up line I've ever heard. Of course there are other stories, and in honor of his memory, I'll share another here.

We were in eighth grade and took a class field trip to visit Fremont Indian State Park as part of our Utah history class (I think). We learned about how the Native American relicts were discovered with the construction of a new freeway, about what had been learned about their culture by the archaeologists who'd worked in the area, and we listened to some stories about some of their gods and legends. We also got to see many of the artifacts (baskets, arrowheads, pottery, etc.) that were on display. At the end of the day, we were to go on a hike to look at the rock art after having the difference between petroglyphs and pictographs explained to us.

Through some misunderstanding, a rather large group of us (15 or so boys) didn't realize that we were only to go on the hike if we had a teacher, chaperone, or park employee with us, so we took off on our own. (Okay, maybe it wasn't exactly a "misunderstanding" because at one point we heard one of the teachers with a group of students coming down the trail, so we hid from them, ensuring that we didn't have to go back to the bus just then.) We hiked around, looked at the petroglyphs, took off our shirts to get a tan, had a "contest" to see who had the most armpit hair (spoiler alert: it wasn't me), rolled boulders down the side of the mountain to see if we could splash them in the river below, and just generally had a good time. At one point, my friend (who was Navajo) sat down to eat the lunch that he'd packed, and ended up dropping some cheese on the rocks. He called out to the rest of us and said, "Look! Cheese-O-Glyphs!" then declared he would leave it there for future generations to see, because after all, he was the only Native American in the group.

Eventually we made our way back to the visitor's center and the parking lot, where unbeknownst to us, the rest of our classmates had been waiting on the bus for over an hour while the teachers were out looking for us. Needless to say, we were in a lot of trouble. As punishment, we weren't allowed to go on any more field trips for the rest of the year, and all of us who'd gone AWOL had to write a seven page paper describing in great detail what we'd done while everyone else was waiting for us back at the bus, then read it in front of our classmates so that they could experience all the fun that we'd had while they waited. Not all of us took the assignment seriously. I turned mine in on miniature notebook paper, which just infuriated the teacher and earned me an additional five pages that I had to write (a 12 page paper to an eighth grade student was sheer torture - Now, I'd love to write a paper that was "only" 12 pages long).

One of our other friends wrote about how we were gone so long because we followed the smell of the peace pipe down into the ant world, where we couldn't return until we were able to trick an eagle into flying us up through the hole in the sky to deliver us back to the parking lot. It was a derivative of one of the legends the park ranger had told us. Of course, that earned us a 30 minute lecture from the teacher on not mocking others' beliefs, and got another five pages tacked onto the end of his assignment as well. Seriously, don't ever teach junior high school kids. We were all so very annoying.

There are so many other stories to tell. There was the first time I met him: I was in seventh grade and he was the new kid seated next to me in English class. He told me he was Navajo, so I asked him to teach me some Navajo words. He told me to say, "clit" so I did. Then, when I asked him what it meant, he just laughed. Turns out he had a lot of fun being surrounded by naive Mormon kids. Then there was the time he ground up birth control pills and told everyone it was from a pixie stick and got them to taste it. Or the time we won in the playoffs in football, then stayed to watch the next game, and he went up and asked one of the cheerleaders from another team out on a date. (A year later, I took that same girl to our junior prom.)

He had the most infectious laugh. It was impossible to hear it and not at least crack a smile. I'm going to miss hearing that. And I'm going to miss getting voice messages that simply say, "Where the white women at?" followed by laughter and nothing else. It's hard to believe he's gone. I get tears in my eyes every time I think about it.

For some reason, every time I've thought about him passing away I think of the lyrics from the Jon Bon Jovi song Never Say Die. It might be because Young Guns was one of our favorite movies at the time we met. It might be because the lyrics themselves somehow describe our friendship. Maybe there are parts that remind me of his military service (he was a marine). Or maybe it's just one of the few songs that come to mind that sing about death. Regardless, I find it somewhat therapeutic (particularly the very last verse), so I'm going to post them here.

As we stood there older than the men

And younger than the boys

We were still as the wind

That blows on a hot August night

And you were lonesome as a jukebox

But deadly just the same

I could be as gentle as a newborn

Then spit into the eye of a hurricane

And we knew how to laugh

And we knew how to cry

Yeah we sure knew how to live

But we don't ever

Never say die

I guess you'd say we had a pact

These words we knew so well

Still they remained unspoken

And we'd take them to the fiery gates of Hell

Once I was afraid of love

But when it's your brother those things change

'Cause love is just another words for trust

So hear me when I say

Never say die

Never say no

You've gotta look them in the eye and don't let go

When it's your own blood you bleed

And your own tears you cry

When you're brought up to believe

That it's the strong who survive

Never say die

Yeah and we could run like lightning

Through the pouring rain

And we'll be standing like a soldier

Who comes marching home again

They ask what it is that I want written

On the gravestone where I'll lie

Tell them it's just my bones that died there

So save the tears they'll cry

'Cause my spirit is still riding

Somewhere in this night

When it's these three words that come to me as I kiss this world goodbye

Never say die

Never say no

You've gotta look them in the eye and don't let go

When it's your own blood you bleed

And your own tears you'll cry

When you're brought up to believe

That it's the strong who survive

Never say die

Rest in peace, Elston Louis. You were a true friend, and you will be missed!

There's been wasted hours and there's wasted days, I'm gonna waste a few more if I get my way

2012-01-03T21:24:00.000-08:00

I hope you all had a good holiday season. I did. I went to Arizona and spent a little over a week with my kids. It's been a year since I was able to get that much time with them. It's not enough, but it'll have to do.

I decided when I left that I'd take a little detour and check out Monument Valley. I've been wanting to check it out ever since my cousin posted some pictures on Facebook, and my friend from Switzerland included it in her trip to the U.S. last summer. Plus I wanted to make my brother jealous that I was going to take some amazing pictures and he wasn't.

I definitely got some good shots, and he was definitely jealous:

You can get closer to the "full experience" if you listen to Blitzen Trapper's album American Goldwing while looking at those, btw. It was the perfect soundtrack.

I was pretty bummed about that last one. I wanted a good photo of the highway leading to the valley, but I approached from the south instead of the north, so I didn't get this until I'd been through the valley already, and the sun was too low. (And by the way, how bad does it suck that 3:30 p.m. is too late in the day to avoid a "sunset" shot?). Whatever. It's still kind of a cool picture, but maybe that will give me the incentive to make it back down there. I didn't see Forrest Gump anywhere. Or Wile E. Coyote. I figured I'd run into at least one of them.

After I left Monument Valley, I was apparently supposed to make a left turn somewhere in or around a town called Mexican Hat, but somehow I missed that and didn't realize it for about 30 miles. Rather than turn around, I just went ahead to Moab. It was the alternate route on my maps app, it only tacked on an extra hour or so, and it's not like I have anything terribly exciting to come home to anyway. I got some good BBQ in Moab, and my waitress was really hot, so it was definitely worth it. (I even left her a note - no, I won't hear from her.)

All in all, it was not a bad way to start off 2012.

Also, I bought a postcard to send my kids, and on the back wrote "Hey Assholes, see what you missed?" I'm a great father.

Midnight is coming and I wish that you were here

2011-12-29T10:57:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year again. You know, the time when I tell you all my favorite music released over the year, and you don't really care, but I don't care that you don't care and keep doing it anyway because I'm annoying that way.

For some reason, there were albums put out by bands that I've liked for years that just didn't do it for me this time for some reason or other (e.g., They Might Be Giants, Stephen Malkmus, Radiohead, Iron & Wine, Gus Black, and Old 97's). It was still a good year for music though, and it was difficult to choose the list as really any of the lowest five could probably be switched out with any from my honorable mentions list, and the top three albums could be switched around as well. I'm not going to complain about that.

Without further ado, here are my top ten albums of 2011 in reverse order:

Honorable Mentions: Bon Iver, Fleet Foxes, Fountains of Wayne, Kurt Vile, Tapes N Tapes, and AA Bondy.

10. The War On Drugs - Slave Ambient

I admit it, I'm putting this over the honorable mentions simply for the song 'Brothers.' Love that song! It's very soothing and uplifting. It's been a year where I've needed that sort of thing. It's good when I find new music that will do that for me. This album does.

9. Titus Andronicus - The Monitor

It's not often that one stumbles across a concept album about the Civil War from a punk band, yet here we are. The first time I listened to this it was cranked in my office, which in hindsight, might not have been the smartest move considering people at this university are easily offended by profanity. Oh well. Now I just close the door so it doesn't carry out into the hallway. Lesson learned.

8. The Boxer Rebellion - The Cold Still

These guys have to be one of my favorite bands in recent years. There is something about Nathan Nicholson's voice that I find fascinating. This album does a great job of going back and forth from upbeat to haunting. While my favorite song of theirs is still 'Watermelon' (off of Exits), I'd say this is their most solid album to date. The band's continual improvement has me excited to see what they'll put out in the future.

7. Cake - Showroom Of Compassion

It took me a while to warm up to this album. Probably because I'm not a big fan of the first track. I'm glad I got past it though. I was lucky enough to see them play on this tour for the low, low price of $9.60. I took Togers with me. We both really enjoyed the show, and both of us came away with a much deeper appreciation for the band. Even if we didn't go home with the cherry tree.

6. Foster The People - Torches

This is by far the album on this list with the catchiest beats. I purchased the album mostly because of the buzz they were getting and the one song I'd heard (and liked). I usually need more than that, but this time the gamble paid off. The first five tracks are all legitimately good, and there's not much of a drop-off after that. I wish every album I bought turned out that way. (I can't say the same for MGMT.)

5. Deer Tick - Divine Providence

I blogged about seeing these guys a month or so ago. Fun concert. Even if I am too old to be out until two or three in the morning on a weeknight (or on any night for that matter). I just met a girl who was impressed that I was there though, so there's that. I'm glad they opted for this album cover rather than the 'unicorn farting a rainbow' design that they had on shirts at the merch booth. I'm definitely too old for that.

4. Dawes - Nothing Is Wrong

When you talk about albums that come at just the right time to match what's going on in my life, this is one of them. I got it right around the time GWWBMGF started dating someone else, and I can honestly say that the most depressing songs on this album got me through my own depression over that, although I still get teary-eyed every time I hear 'A Little Bit Of Everything' and 'Million Dollar Bill.' Listen to it.

3. Wilco - The Whole Love

Another stellar performance by my favorite band. You might be surprised that this isn't ranked at the top of my list, but I still didn't listen to this album as much as I did those. That's more a testament to those albums than a knock on this one though. I'd love to see Wilco play in Chicago someday. Until then, I'll have to see if they're coming to SLC anytime soon (fingers crossed).

2. Middle Brother - Middle Brother

I feel like the song Middle Brother should be my theme song, even though I'm not as big of a fuck up as the guy that song's about. At least I don't think so. This is a brilliant side project effort by the lead singers from three great "new" bands (Dawes, Deer Tick, and Delta Spirit). This album had several songs that got me through my "break-up" as well. Seriously, go get this album. You won't regret it.

1. Kasabian - Velociraptor!

This album made me feel like a teenager again. Seriously, I listened to it over and over and over. I even got on YouTube and watched videos with the band's commentary on each of the tracks. Not a bad exercise when those are available, but I usually don't take the time to do that. This is another one you should just go listen to. Amazing stuff. My favorite track is 'I Hear Voices' if you were wondering. I wish they'd quit touring in Europe and Australia and come to the U.S. I have a feeling they'd be fantastic to see live. Hopefully I'll find out for sure someday.

Hey yeah I'm the one that you wanted, hey yeah I'm your superbeast

2011-12-27T20:43:00.001-08:00

I've been in Arizona with my kids for the last few days. Today as we were driving back from a quick trip to the mall, Mr M asked me an important question.

Mr M: Dad, would you rather be a zombie or a human?

Me: Hmmm. Probably a zombie.

Mr M: Why a zombie?

Me: Because then the only thing I'd feel would be a craving for brains.

Tortellini: Yeah, but it would be an overwhelming feeling.

Me: It would. But it couldn't be worse than longing for a human's touch.

Tortellini: Ew. Perv.

Mr M: He's a pedophile*.

Nothing says happy holidays quite like being called a perv and a pedophile by one's own children.

*I hope he doesn't know what that word really means.

When I said alone, you know, I'll be right by your side

2011-12-15T16:09:00.000-08:00

Brother: Are you going to the Christmas party with me?

Me: Wasn't planning on it.

Brother: You should. That soccer lady was asking about you the other day.

Me: Isn't she married?

Brother: Yeah.

Me: Well, that doesn't do me any good.

Brother: It could. She might have some hot, single friends. She said you were hot.

Me: I'm sure she did.

Brother: Well, maybe not in those exact words, but she did say you looked just like me, so I can only assume that's what she meant.

I'm sexy and I know it

2011-12-06T22:19:00.001-08:00

A few days ago I went with Togers and some friends to an antique store. While we there I saw a really big mirror with an asking price of $400. As I stood there looking at the mirror, trying to puzzle out what was so special about it, Togers and one of my friends walked up.

Me: Look at that mirror. It's amazing!

Togers: What's so amazing about it?

Me (gesturing toward my reflection): Can't you see how handsome it is?

Later on I was telling another friend about how proud I was of my joke. Then I had to add this to the end of the story:

Me: [Togers] didn't get it at first. Probably because he's dumb.

Togers: I'm not dumb. I'm not the one that thought that was handsome.

Dead I am the one, exterminating son

2011-12-02T23:28:00.000-08:00

Mr M is obsessed with surviving the zombie apocalypse. One of the first things he asked me when I got to their house over Thanksgiving was, "Dad, what three weapons would you want for the zombie apocalypse?"

I told him I'd want a shotgun, a machete, and a flame thrower. I'm pretty sure I could last a while with that.

Togers told me that when he was in the hospital, Mr M saw one of those rolling beds. He was fascinated by it, and went up to the doctor and said, "That would be perfect for the zombie apocalypse. You could just fill that bottom rack up with dynamite, then roll it down a hill and blow up a bunch of zombies."

He's nine. The doctor probably thinks he's a psycho. The next ten years or so are bound to be interesting with that kid.

But, now that I'm aware of his new obsession, he ought to be happy with the two shirts I bought him for Christmas from Threadless.com

The End Of The Road:

The Horde:

Oh one day when you're looking back . . .

2011-11-22T05:27:00.001-08:00

I can't believe I never blogged about this, but it's a story from last Christmas. (Well, the drive when I took my kids home just after last Christmas.) It illustrates the unique way in which my little family deals with the big topics. This time, it was about the fact that I'm not Mr M's biological father, but had never really explained that to him myself.

I've talked about this before, but usually when we're on long road trips, my kids like to play games and have contests to keep themselves entertained. When it's cold out (like when the temperatures are in the teens), there's usually at least one competition to see who can hold their hand out the window the longest.

We took the scenic way back to Arizona last year, and passed by the Grand Canyon. When we were near the north rim, the roads were covered in snow, and the temperatures were well below freezing (17 degrees I believe). Of course my kids had the contest to see who could hold their hand out the window the longest. I can't even remember who won, but I know it wasn't me. I didn't even play that time. I was a little nervous about staying on the road.

Five minutes after the contest ended, Mr M wanted to play again. Tortellini and Togers didn't want to because their hands hadn't yet warmed up enough to give it another go. I told Mr M that he'd need to find a different game to play.

Mr M: Alright, how about we play 'Who's Most Related To Dad?'

Me (Laughing, and a little shocked): Who do you think would win that game?

Mr M: [Tortellini] and [Togers].

Me: And why do you think that?

Mr M: Because you and mom made them, and mom and someone else made me.

Me: That's right. But you know I love you very much, right?

Mr M: I know.

And just like that, the conversation I'd been dreading having with the kid since the time he was born was over. Easy peasy.

We're full grown men, but we act like kids

2011-11-17T10:25:00.000-08:00

Last week's Deer Tick concert was awesome, even if it was too late to be out on a weeknight. The venue where they played is notorious for starting late, and true to form, the opening band didn't take the stage until 9:30 or so, and there were two openers, so Deer Tick didn't start playing until 11:30. However, they did play until 1:15 a.m., and it was amazing. They even worked in a few cover songs. Unfortunately, I didn't get to hear them play Dirty Dishes or Long Time (my two favorite Deer Tick songs), but they did enough to make up for it.

Here's the set list:
1- The Bump
2- Easy
3- Baltimore Blues
4- Main Street
5- Chevy Express
6- Walkin Out The Door
7- Ashamed*
8- Bastards of Young (A cover of The Replacements song)
9- Clownin Around
10- Spend The Night
11- 20 Miles
12- Funny Word
13- These Old Shoes
14- Something To Brag About
15- Be Kind To Me (A cover of a song by Michael Hurley, I think)
16- Now It's Your Turn
17- Miss K.
18- Not So Dense
19- Scentless Apprentice (A perfect Nirvana cover)
20- Mange
21- Let's All Go To The Bar

I didn't get to bed until 2:30, but luckily I make my own schedule at work, so was able to sleep in a little. My brother wasn't as fortunate. Plus, he's older than me, so he sucks more anyway.

He kept trying to get me to hit on a cute girl that worked her way up in front of me. I kept telling him there was no way I was going to. Here's an excerpt of how the conversation went down:

Him: Go tell that girl that you like her hat.

Me: I'm not going to do that. That's lame.

Him: It's not lame. It's easy. You can introduce yourself to the lead singer of the opening band and tell him you like his music, but you can't tell a cute girl you like her hat? That's lame!

Me: Fine. I'll go up and say "I like your hat. It goes well with your tits."

Him: You're an idiot. Don't say that.

Me: How about this? "I like your hat. Can I knock it off your head with my dick?"

Him: No, don't say that either. Just say you like her hat.

Me: Alright, I'll say, "I like your hat. Want to blow me later?"

Him: [shakes head]

*They played this way different than it is on the album, but it was still really good.

I am the boy your mother wanted you to meet, but I am broken and torn with heels at my feet

2011-11-09T06:22:00.000-08:00

I'm going to a Deer Tick concert tonight. I usually don't get very excited for shows anymore, but I'm excited to go to this one. I probably won't get home until one or two in the morning, but it'll be worth it. I just hope there are more people in attendance than the last concert I saw at this venue (last time there was a huge snow storm, and only five people showed - I felt bad for the band, but they played anyway).

The other day I told a girl in my lab about it and she asked who I would be going with.

Me: I don't know. I might be going alone, but even if that's the case, I'm still excited.

Her: You never know, you could meet someone there.

Me: That will never ever happen.

Her: That never happens because you never try!

Me: Exactly.

I believe there's a way to shut the things you don't need out

2011-11-07T07:27:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went to some hot springs with a few friends. One of them had apparently been having boy problems for the past week or so. When we were on the way home she started talking about changes in her life and how they've affected her personality.

"I feel like there are two of me. The old me, who is like this good little Catholic school girl, and the new me, who tries to sleep with every guy she meets."

Another friend said, "I feel like there probably ought to be a third option in there somewhere."

I added, "Yeah, maybe like a version of you that only sleeps with half the guys she meets."

We're at it again, let's roll just like we used to

2011-11-01T07:26:00.000-07:00

Last night I stopped to talk to an old friend and some other people I knew were also there talking with him, including a couple of teenage girls.

As I tend to do from time to time, I said something vulgar, then realized that one of the girls was close enough to overhear me. I apologized to her dad, and he said, "That's okay. She knows all the swear words. But she also knows better than to fucking repeat any of them."

She enthusiastically added, "It's true. I know all the bad words."

I replied, "I'm willing to bet you don't know all of them. I guarantee I know some words that you don't know, because I know some words that not even your dad knows."

"No. I know them all."

"Really? What's snoodling then?"

"Snoodling?"

"I rest my case."

Open your eyes and what do you seeeeeeeeeee?

2011-10-25T07:37:00.000-07:00

Hey look - Fall!

Still Alive

2011-10-06T21:29:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's been an entire month since I last posted. What can I say? I've been busy. And unmotivated to blog I suppose.

So what have I been up to? I went on a few more awesome hikes, took a trip to Vegas to see some friends, spent a weekend mountain biking, got sick (it was my first cold in about two years, so of course it had to last TEN days), and of course, fallen further and further behind at work.

I'd post pictures of the hikes, but I kept forgetting to take any. The few I did take are still on my phone. Maybe someday I'll post them. When it's cold and snowy and I want to reminisce about Fall. It alternated between rain and snow pretty much all day today. I'm not ready for Winter yet. Although, I just found out that at least one of the ski resorts has free skiing for beginners on weekdays from 3-5 p.m., so I may have to take advantage of that this year. Anyone want to come try it with me?

Kids with guns

2011-09-07T16:37:00.000-07:00

Last night I was talking to Mr M on the phone.

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

Him: A Nerf gun, with lots of darts. And Dad? Can I get a bb gun?

Me: No, you can't have a bb gun.

Him: Awwww. Why can't I?

Me: Because, remember when [Tortellini] got shot in the eye? We don't want something like that to happen again.

Him: Yeah, but [Togers] wanted that to happen.

Me: No he didn't. It was an accident. But we don't want any more accidents like that. And how many times have we asked you not to point your Nerf gun at people, but you still do it? You'd probably shoot someone accidentally, or break a window, and I can't afford that.

Him: Alright. Can I have a shotgun instead?

Me: Nice try!

Him: I bet Grandpa would get me one.

The whole wide world is at it again, showing me how it feels good to bleed

2011-08-29T21:38:00.000-07:00

You know how sometimes life is really shitty, and you keep trying to do things to make it less shitty, but none of those things seem to work, and things just get shittier and shittier? That.

I won't go into all the reasons why, but I had planned on moving last week, to a much nicer place, albeit with a longer commute, but the whole thing fell through on moving day. So, as I finished loading the U-Haul, I found out I had no place to go, but still had to be out of the old apartment by the next day as they had new tenants moving in the following week. The solution? All my shit is now piled up in my brother's garage, and I'm living out of boxes in his basement until I figure something else out.

Good times.

I am still alive though. Thought some of you might be happy to at least hear that part.

Don't go 'round when the Devil's loose

2011-08-15T23:29:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I went to my brother's house for a Sunday dinner. While there, he and I started talking about how we should go try to fish.

Brother: Is it okay if I go fishing with [Minnow] tonight?

Sister-in-Law: You can do whatever you want. I don't care.

Me: Alright!!! Let's go expose ourselves to female joggers along the river trail!

I need some air that no-one's been breathing

2011-08-14T15:06:00.000-07:00

I seriously don't know where the time goes anymore. I went on a hike last weekend, and meant to post about it before now, but better late than never I guess.

It all started when I posted one of the pictures from the drive I went with on my brother on Facebook. One of my old high school friends commented on how gorgeous it was, and then said that the next thing I needed to do was meet her and her husband for a hike the next morning. I haven't seen either of them since high school, but it was a hike I'd been wanting to do all summer long, but thought there would still be too much snow to make it up that high. There was still snow, but she said they'd heard it was passable, so I joined them. It wasn't a hard decision to make. I'm really glad I went. It was nice catching up with the two of them, and the scenery was simply phenomenal. Here are some of the pics I took.

It's been a relatively cool summer, so there were still plenty of wildflowers:

As expected, we did have to cross a few snow fields:

The view from the other side of the first snow field wasn't too shabby:

And it just kept on getting better. This is my favorite picture from the hike:

Here are some hikers and their dog that were crossing another snow field in front of us:

The scariest part for me was that I'd lost my sunglasses, and was worried about getting snow blindness. I had to squint my eyes as much as possible while walking across the snow so as not to burn my retinas. I think I did sunburn my eyelids, even though I'd applied sunblock, but better the outside of those than the eyes themselves. Luckily, everything turned out fine.

We eventually came up along a ridge just before making our final ascent to the summit. The view was pretty good on both sides of the trail:

The summit was pretty cool too:

But perhaps the funnest part of the entire hike was when we were crossing one of the steep snow fields, and decided to follow someone else's slide rather than walk back down. Here's a picture that shows you how steep the slope was:

And here's one of the slide itself:

We also saw a commode that has a view that rivals any:

No, I didn't use it.

At some point during our ascent, my friend told me that I hadn't changed a bit since high school. She added that she was glad that it wasn't weird hanging out again after all this time.

"Really? I think I've changed a lot since high school."

"Yeah?" she asked, "How so?"

I answered, "I'm way more cool now than I ever was back then."

All in all, it was a good day!

The way the scattered ever-busy bright lights of a city might look off to a distant mountain range

2011-08-09T20:09:00.000-07:00

You know, some days you just have to get up into the mountains. Here are a few pictures I took when I went for a rather long drive with my brother and his two youngest girls. Of course we had to get out and play around in the water a little bit here and there.

Here are some of the pictures I took along the way. They're not very good because I forgot my regular camera, so had to take these with my phone, but hey, it's better than nothing.

I would've taken more, but the last half of the drive was in Wyoming, and we all know how ugly Wyoming is.

I posted the second to the last picture on Facebook, which immediately prompted an invitation to go hiking with an old high school friend the next morning. I'll post those pictures later. Wouldn't want to overrun your senses with too much rugged beauty.

So please, let me be lonely tonight

2011-08-04T21:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had lunch at a Mexican restaurant we frequent, and had the following conversation with the owner when I went to place my order.

Him: Where's that girl that came in with you last time?

Me: I don't know. I'm sure she's around somewhere.

Him: Why don't you two date? She's single. You're divorced.

Me: She's too good for me.

Him: That's what you want.

Me: Nah. I want a bad girl.

Him: So take her and wreck her.

Maybe the man has some sound advice after all.

You are not easily swayed if swayed means moved

2011-07-27T21:50:00.000-07:00

Oh. Hi there. Remember me? I'm the guy who never posts on his blog anymore. But if you can find it within yourself to forgive me, I have a perfectly good explanation. I've been busy trying to enjoy summer. See?

It all started with my boss asking me to go on a collecting trip. Five days through some gorgeous areas: Colorado, Wyoming, Montana, and Idaho. Well, they're all gorgeous except for Wyoming. The only good part of Wyoming is the Grand Tetons:

And Yellowstone National Park:

The rest of Wyoming is pretty desolate. Here's a picture I took of Wyoming's most populated area:

Colorado was pretty cool, except for the suicidal deer we encountered.

I have a picture of the deer too, but won't make you sad by posting it. Luckily, the car was still drivable and we were able to finish the trip. We even made it until the last night before getting pulled over for missing a headlight. The cop let us off with a warning, but then, ten minutes later, we got pulled over again. The second cop just laughed at us, told us we had two more speed traps to make it through, so to drive slowly through town, but then to run like hell once we made it past those. He was alright.

Sure, I've been back for over a week now, but I've been doing some other things. Like going on hikes to mountain lakes:

And waterfalls:

It's all part of my master plan to actually start enjoying my life again. It's sort of working.

Let's start at the beginning, let's go back to square one, I never loved you, I've never loved anyone

2011-07-11T12:11:00.000-07:00

Remember that ridiculous Vegas wedding I attended a few years ago? The one where everyone dressed up like pimps? The one with a porno actress in attendance? (Come to think of it, I may have neglected to mention that when I blogged about it before.) Well, my sister came across a calendar featuring said porn actress. Of course she bought it. Of course she mailed it to me. Of course I'm blogging about it.

If you had told me it was possible to make a lingerie/swimsuit calendar with ~~zero~~ negative sex appeal when I was younger, I'd have thought you were insane. Yet, somehow, this exists:

January

February

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

October

November

December

There were actually two that she sent. One was for me, one was for a friend of hers that was also at the wedding. She told me to pick my "favorite" and send the other on to him. It rained the day they were delivered. So I kept this one, not because I liked it best, but because several of the pages were stuck together, and I couldn't have her friend thinking he'd been the unwilling recipient of a "used" calendar.

I'll go away now.

Turn around, turn around, there's a thing there that can be found. Turn around, turn around, it's a human skull on the ground.

2011-07-07T21:44:00.000-07:00

Last week a girl I know texted to say I should go hiking with her over the weekend. My brother texted me a few days later to see if I wanted to go hiking with him. Being the amazing accommodator I am, I asked both of them if they'd mind hiking as a group. They both agreed that would be fine, so the three of us set out on Saturday morning to try and make it to a lake in the mountains.

My brother told us that he'd tried to hike it with his two youngest last year in June, but couldn't go all the way there because of the snow. Even though we were attempting it a month later, we also had a lot more snow last winter, so we ran into the same problem. We eventually got into enough snow that the girl and I decided to turn around. After all, I was wearing sandals, and she was wearing shoes with very little traction. My brother decided to go on ahead. He didn't want to make an attempt to get there twice in a row without making it all the way up. He made it and took some gorgeous photos. It kind of made me wish I'd dressed appropriately, but oh well. There's always time to go up when the snow is gone.

Before we parted ways, my brother had made mention of his previous attempt to hike it with his girls a few other times on the trail. I only bring this up so I can tell you this conversation that occurred when we were about halfway up the trail and he pointed at a weird looking root.

Him: Dude, I think that's a bone.

Me: Yup.

Him: Seriously. I think it's a human bone.

Me: I'm sure it is.

Him: You're not even looking. Look at it.

Me: Looks like a jaw bone. It's probably from the hooker you killed the last time you came up here. When you said to your girls, "You guys go on ahead. Daddy's got some business to take care of back here."

Girl: Jesus Christ, [Native].

Hey, at least I always leave an impression.

I came into a scolding wife a few short years ago, and ever since I've lived a life of misery and woe

2011-06-30T12:16:00.000-07:00

Just now I was riding the elevator with one of the professors I work with. A student came on and pushed the button for the seventh floor. The professor asked, "Why would you want to go up to seven?"

"My wife works there," the student answered.

I asked, "Why would you ever want a wife?"

He couldn't give me a valid reason.

There's a distance between me and a world that's offering its hand

2011-06-20T22:04:00.000-07:00

In case you haven't guessed it, I'm depressed. And what do I do when I'm depressed? Besides wallow in self-pity, I mean? That's right. I put together music mixes. Here's the latest one.

Nobody's Man (click to download)
1. Weapons - The Daylights
2. Fall Into You - Gus Black
3. Wonderful (The Way I Feel) - My Morning Jacket
4. Reflections Of The Marionette - Two Gallants
5. When You Call My Name - Dawes
6. I And Love And You - The Avett Brothers
7. House Built For Two - Delta Spirit
8. Thanks For Nothing - Middle Brother
9. Rust - Telekinesis
10. Angelyne - The Jayhawks
11. Friday XIII - Deer Tick
12. Monster Ballads - Josh Ritter
13. Here's Looking At You, Kid - The Gaslight Anthem

I'd be curious to hear whether or not you like it.

When it hits me that she's gone

2011-06-13T22:40:00.000-07:00

Middle Brother - Million Dollar Bill

When it hits me that she's gone
I think I'll run for President
Get my face put on the million dollar bill
So when these rich men that she wants
Show her ways they can take care of her
I'll have found a way to be there with her still

Ooooooh Ooooooh Ooooooh Ooooooh

When it hits me that she's gone
I think I'll be an astronaut
Make the moon my home and leave this world behind
So when she steps out into the night
To find some light that makes her pretty
She'll be facing me every time she shines

Ooooooh Ooooooh Ooooooh Ooooooh

Ooooooh Ooooooh Ooooooh Ooooooh

When it hits me that she's left me alone
When I finally move on with my life
Her goodbye written into stone
And her shadow grown into a night

When it hits me that she's gone
I think I'll be a movie star
Play the finest man the world has ever seen
So when the lovers that she's found
Show her ways they learned to talk to her
Behind each perfect word will be a little bit of me

Ooooooh Ooooooh Ooooooh Ooooooh

Ooooooh Ooooooh Ooooooh Ooooooh

I'm big in Japan

2011-06-08T06:58:00.000-07:00

Don't ask me how we got on this topic, because I surely don't remember, but a little while ago my friend and I were talking about license plate frames we could make specifically for Japanese Americans.

- I'd rather be watching anime

- I'd rather be eating sushi

- I'd rather be catching Pokemon

- I'd rather be practicing Kenpo

- I'd rather be with my geisha

Good enough for now

2011-06-03T08:09:00.000-07:00

Me: That kid was kind of being a little bitch.

Brother: I know. HIs older brother is the same way. He was here tonight too.

Me: Was that the guy with the five o'clock shadow?

Brother: It was a full beard, but yeah.

Me: Oh. I guess I didn't really pay that much attention to him. I spent more time checking out his girl.

Brother: She wasn't that cute.

Me: I know. But she was here.

And your ears just wanna ring, and your eyes just wanna close, nothin' changin' I suppose

2011-05-31T21:51:00.000-07:00

The other day one of my old TAs forwarded me this email from a former student of hers:

Hey [TA],

My name is [Student]. I was in your [lab] last summer. I don't know if you remember me or not, but I was there. I sent you some Brian Regan clips a while back. Anyway, hey, I was wondering if you can help me out. I am trying to get a hold of the professor. I am almost sure his last name was [Minnow], but I can't remember his first name. Also, I think he left the school for another one. My point is, I am trying to get into Dental school and I need some professors to write letters of recommendation for me and I was going to see if he would be interested. Can you help me out at all? If not, thanks anyway.

[Student]

Um, yeah, Dude Who Can't Even Remember My Name*, let me get right on that for you.

*He emailed me today and tried to make it sound like we were tight during the semester**.

**I politely told him I don't remember him and he'd be better off having someone else write on his behalf.

If you're going my way, I want to drive it all night long

2011-05-20T18:14:00.000-07:00

I've taken the advice of a very wise man, and have uploaded my road trip videos to YouTube. So, if you've ever wondered what it'd be like to be on a road trip with me (and let's face it, you know you have), it's a whole lot of this:

P.S. These aren't as awesome as I thought they were. They didn't look this shaky on my phone. Whatever. Next time, you can come along with me and try holding the camera still.

Let's watch the flowers grow

2011-05-17T21:56:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah, I've been meaning to post pics from a couple of weeks ago when I went to the 'Tulip Festival.' I know that sounds gay, but I was with two chicks. I swear. I'm annoyed that I forgot to take my camera because if I had, the pictures would have turned out nicer than these that were taken using my phone. Oh well.

And over the world am I

2011-05-14T06:10:00.001-07:00

I've been making a conscious effort to shed a few pounds. I'm not on a crash diet or anything, but I am paying better attention to how much I eat, and am trying to get some exercise in a couple of times a week. There's a nice little trail that runs real close to my house, and it's fairly scenic. The other day I took a few pictures.

2 blocks from my house:

3 miles from my house:

If you're jealous, don't be. The scenery is great, but living here pretty much sucks. At least when one has few friends and little money.

Three words that became hard to say: I and love and you

2011-05-07T08:13:00.000-07:00

Down the highway, down the road to infamy I ride

2011-05-03T00:34:00.000-07:00

So, about a week ago I went on a road trip to visit my kids in Arizona, and while I was on the road I took some videos of my favorite parts of the drive, complete with road music, and trust me, they were awesome, but blogger is stupid and won't upload them so you don't get to see them after all, and by the way, this is definitely a run-on sentence, but I don't care because I have a Ph D and can make my own rules.

I still don't have anything to say other than that I found this "new" band that I'm totally digging right now (thanks Pandora radio). I was at my brother's house about two weeks ago and played one of their singles on his laptop. My sister-in-law said, "That sounds like someone is shitting in my ear." I call that success, but whatever.

Give it a listen and see whether or not you agree with her:

Do you remember cooking roasts on the Sabbath with your dad?

2011-04-23T12:42:00.001-07:00

I'm visiting my kids for the weekend. My ex-wife and her boyfriend are working today. I was in their kitchen making some lunch, when Tortellini came in.

Mr M said, "Get out of the kitchen [Tortellini]!"

I said, "No, don't you know that's a woman's place? Get back in the kitchen [Tortellini]!"

Mr M asked, "Does that mean you're a woman, Dad? You're in the kitchen."

I answered, "Yeah, I am. Can't you see my gigantic boobs?"

Got a foul mouth that she never heard

2011-04-17T08:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my roommate and I were getting ready to watch a movie, but decided that first we needed to go to the store to get some snacks. I settled on an ice cream sandwich and some Grape Vines. I handed him some money and told him just to pay for everything.

Cashier: Will that be everything for you?

Roommate: Yeah.

Cashier: Who's getting the Grape Vines? Those things are delicious.

Me: We're going to fight over them.

Cashier (looking at me): I have faith in you.

Me (to my roommate): Did you hear that? She just called you a pussy.

Cashier (shocked): No, I didn't say that.

Me: Her words, dude. Not mine.

Cashier: . . .

I think the thing you said was true, I'm gonna die alone and sad

2011-04-15T10:06:00.000-07:00

The other day I was sitting in my lab, printing some papers off, when I looked down and saw a couple of handwritten pages sitting next to the computer. It turns out, someone had dropped a few pages out of their journal, and one of the professors I work with had picked them up and saved them in case the student came back looking for them.

Of course I read them. Not only that, I photocopied them. For blogging purposes. Yeah, I know I'm going to Hell.

It's sad to actually see in words the pressure the young people around here are under to get married.

Without further ado, here it is (with his spelling, grammar, etc.):

I went on a date with a really nice girl named Britt because she seemed to be interested in me. Well, I took her on the date, and I was right. But I just didn't feel the same way. I'm trying to give girls who are interested in me a chance, but what if I'm just not really interested? I hate dating! Can anyone ever be happy? Can two people ever truely fall in love with each other? It seems so hard here!

I've tried to be less shallow, but it hasn't been very satisfieing. I don't know, when I read about my eternal companion in my patriarchal blessing it seems lack the luster those words once held. Now I feel as if these words are just describing an average ordinary girl, not the super extradinary girl I thought it was talking about. I worry about my family to, and have this crushing feeling that it's just not going to be what I dreamed of.

These things and many others are frustrating to me, but I've just got to have faith and keep on keeping on. It'll all work out in the end, I'm sure.

:D

Obviously this kid is Mormon. I wish I could find him, shake him, and tell him never to settle for "just an ordinary girl" but to wait until he does find the super extraordinary girl he's hoping to marry someday. There are worse things than a lifetime of being single. Like a lifetime of being married to an ordinary girl.

I can't think of what comedian said this offhand (and a quick Google search only brought up a bunch of religious web sites about marriage), but I love the quote. It goes something like this, "Single people are faced with two things: loneliness and freedom. But when they figure out how much fun they're having being free, they can forget about how lonely they are."

I hope this kid finds the superextraordinary girl he's looking for.

Yes it's creepy, I told you I was freaky

2011-04-08T22:28:00.000-07:00

Reason #327 why my siblings shouldn't allow me to interact with their children can be observed in the following text conversation with my niece:

Little bird hoppin' on my porch

2011-04-02T08:42:00.001-07:00

In case you missed it, Conan O'Brien is a genius.

Coming colors in the air, oh everywhere

2011-03-26T15:49:00.000-07:00

Today I went with one of the girls from my lab to the Holi festival at a nearby Hare Krishna temple. I've never gone before, but have seen pictures and videos and it seemed like it'd be a fun experience. It was. There were an estimated 30,000 or so people attending this year's event. We made it there about an hour after the first chalk throw, so many in the crowd were already colored up.

I looked around online and found a video of what the chalk throw looks like. It wasn't from the festival I went to (this was last year), and the idiots in the crowd apparently don't know how to wait for the count, so they sort of ruined it in this one, but if you watch it to the end, you'll see exactly what it was like to be in the crowd when everyone was throwing their chalk around.

You really couldn't see the sky. I'm sure that pulling my shirt over my mouth and nose did little to protect my lungs, but whatever. I'm glad I went. There aren't many times in your life where you get the opportunity to celebrate the onset of Spring by throwing colored chalk at complete strangers. Such as this girl who was nice enough to pose for me after I complimented her on her colors.

By the way, her shirt apparently started off white. So did mine, but it ended up looking very similar. Also, she had me throw pink chalk on her face, right where you can see her skin showing through in the picture. So she looked even more colorful afterward.

People weren't the only ones getting chalked up.

It was a gorgeous day, despite it being overcast.

Don't let the snow on the mountains fool you, it was warm enough to be out in just a t-shirt. Luckily for me. I ended up throwing the one I wore away. I'm glad I didn't have to do that with a jacket or sweatshirt as well.

I had to shampoo my hair four times, and I still ended up with some purple streaks. I also didn't realize how many Q-Tips one must go through to get all the color out of one's ear canal (12). I have a few pink splotches on my face that won't wash off, so I'm hoping those will come off the next time I shower. We'll see. I could be walking around looking like a male guppy for the next few days.

But hey, if it works on the ladies the same way it works on female guppies, I'm all for it. In fact, I may need to go buy some more bags of chalk. Just in case.

Happy Spring everybody!

****UPDATE****

I forgot I took this video right after the color throw. It's not the best quality, and I can't get it to size right, but at least you can hear what the music was like.

Going going, back back, to Cali Cali

2011-03-26T07:01:00.000-07:00

I spent last weekend in California visiting some friends. Saturday morning they left the house early to pick up bagels for breakfast. When we'd finished eating those, one of my friends pulled what looked like a candy bar out of the bag.

She asked, "Do you like halva?"

I said, "I've never had it."

She asked, "Well, do you like peanut butter?"

"Yeah."

Her husband chimed in. "Well, that's good, because it's not peanut butter."

She retorted, "Well, no, it's not. BUT, it has a peanut butter attitude."

Take it back say it's not what you thought

2011-03-18T14:26:00.000-07:00

Last night I stayed at a friend's house. This morning we went to breakfast. When the server brought the bill we each handed her a card and asked her to split the bill down the middle.

Me: I think mine was a little bit more than yours so I probably owe you a dollar or two.

Friend: How about you just don't jizz all over the sheets on my guest bed and we'll call it even.

Me: Uh. It might be too late for that. You should've told me last night if that's what you wanted.

You've been struck by a smooth criminal

2011-03-16T22:46:00.000-07:00

Tonight I stopped and filled my car up with gas at the service station where I used to work weekends when I was an undergraduate student. I was talking to my old boss' son for a while, and he showed me a "publication" called Busted. It's basically just full of mug shots that have been taken in the county over the past month. I don't know if the idea is to shame people into obeying the law or what, but it just lists mug shot after mug shot, and tells what the person was arrested for. I'm sure it would be good for hours upon hours of trashy fun to browse through.

A customer came in, so he set the paper down on the counter while he rang them up. The girl looked down and said, "My sister was in that last month."

My boss' son said, "I'm sorry to hear that. I hope she's turning her life around."

The customer said, "She is. For good this time." Then she walked out the door.

Yeah right.

Five minutes later, another customer walked in, looked down at the paper on the counter (it was still there) and said, "That's my sister."

My boss' son asked, "What did she do* to get her picture in there?"

The customer said, "I don't know. She didn't tell me anything. I'm going to have to look and see." Then he picked it up and started thumbing through it.

I motioned to the stack and said, "There are plenty more if you want to take them for your family scrap book."

He didn't laugh, but I sure thought it was funny.

*Joyriding

The girl said yeah, smiled, and he smiled back

2011-03-05T21:06:00.000-08:00

Check out this amazing take on being divorced from season one of Louie C.K.'s TV series "Louie." I couldn't have said it better myself*.

It's not fun to be single at 41. I was married for ten years. I'm divorced, I've got two children. It's hard to start again after a marriage. It's hard to really, like, look at somebody and go "Hey, maybe something nice will happen."

You just don't.

I know too much about life to have any optimism because I know even if it's nice it's going to lead to shit. I know that if you smile at somebody and they smile back, you've just decided that something shitty is going to happen.

You might have a nice couple of dates, but then she'll stop calling you back and that'll feel shitty.

Or, you'll date for a long time and then she'll have sex with one of your friends, or you will with one of hers, and that'll be shitty.

Or, you'll get married and it won't work out, and you'll get divorced and split your friends and money, and that's horrible.

Or, you'll meet the perfect person who you love infinitely, and you even argue well, and you grow together, and you have children, and then you get old together. And then she's gonna' die.

That's the best case scenario is that you're gonna' lose your best friend.

*Really, I couldn't. If I could, I'd be a successful comedian living in New York.

You wanna know about atrocity?

2011-03-03T07:23:00.000-08:00

A few nights ago a girl from my lab came over to my house so I could show her how to run some analyses*. She lives on the next street, so we figured it would be easier to meet at my house and I could show her on my computer rather than try to meet on campus. We went over a few different things, and it was pretty late by the time she got ready to leave.

After she put her coat on and opened the front door she pulled out some pepper spray so she could have it at the ready.

Me: You carry that out all the time when you're walking at night?

Her: I do in this neighborhood. It's sketchy. My roommate told me there was another rape on that trail behind my house.

Me: More recently than the one last Fall?

Her: Yeah. I mean, I didn't verify it by watching the news or anything, but it creeps me out.

Just then I noticed that her car wasn't parked in front of my house.

Me: Wait. You didn't drive?

Her: I can't drive a block.

Me: Sure you can. Especially when it's cold and rapey out.

Her: Well, my car's cold too.

Me: Yeah, but it's not rapey.

*Not a euphemism for anything**.

**Unfortunately.

What we've got here is failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach.

2011-02-27T14:43:00.000-08:00

I got this email a few months ago. I meant to post it then, but somehow it got buried in my inbox. Better late then never though, right? Enjoy!

Hello,
I hope to hear from you again

I am glad for your answer. How do you today? I am a young girl, a good search, sexy figure of an ideal body. My country of Darfur, Sudan. My height is about 5.11 meters tall, fair in person, I at one time, I live in a refugee camp in Dakar as a result of political crisis and civil war is happening in my country, Sudan. My father and mother were shot and killed in the war my late father, Dr. Korren Annan became director general of Korren & Partners (Ltd), and it was a personal konsultantna Sudanese (President Omar al-Bashir), after which the rebels attacked our house, and in the early morning killing of my mother and my father in cold blood. It is only me that is alive, and I managed my way to the next country Senegal, where I live now in a refugee camp, and that the computer belongs to the pastor of the church here in the camp.

My Hobbies:
Swimming, music, cooking and reading.
My likes: honesty and simplicity
I do not like: lies and disappointment

I would like to know more about you. Your likes and dislikes, hobbies and what you do now.
I will tell you more about myself in my next post. Here are some of my paintings. Regards - Jessica

Perhaps I should've responded?

Got a devil's haircut in my mind

2011-02-23T10:47:00.000-08:00

Last Friday I went in for a haircut appointment. It was my first time going to this guy. He came highly recommended from the guy who cut my hair in Vegas, so I figured he'd do a good job.

When he finished with the haircut and was washing my hair he asked, "Have you ever had your eyebrows trimmed? I'm going to do that right now."

I said, "I haven't, but are they really that bad?"

"Yes!"

So I grabbed baby girl by the rear end

2011-02-20T22:18:00.001-08:00

A couple of Fridays ago I had to call a friend from Vegas to ask him about some things. When I called him, a female friend of ours answered the phone. I recognized her voice right away, and talked to her for a few minutes before she handed the phone to him. He walked outside so he could hear me better, we talked about the things I needed to ask him for several minutes, but eventually he started feeling like he was being rude by talking to me and ignoring her.

Him: I'd better go. [Friend] is sitting at the table all by herself.

Me: Okay. Grab her ass for me when you go back inside. Make sure you tell her it's from me.

Him: Alright. Will do.

Less than a minute later, I got a text.

Her: Why are you grabbing my butt?

Me: It looks so nice I can't help it. Especially in those jeans. It's good to see that he's okay with following orders.

Her: I'm sure he didn't need a lot of convincing.

I can attest to that.

And love it don't die, it just goes from girl to girl

2011-02-14T07:58:00.000-08:00

This pic of "me" was taken by my brother out on a frozen lake up the canyon from his house. There are definitely perks to having a gifted photographer in the family. It is my Valentine to GWWBMGF. I know it's lame, but whatever.

I hope everyone who wants to has a great Valentine's Day (I know not everyone likes to celebrate the "made-up" holiday). It'd be nice to have someone to spend it with, but since I don't, the "phone date" I have tonight will have to do.

I wish I was a little bit taller, wish I was a baller

2011-02-09T06:05:00.001-08:00

Those of you who follow college basketball are probably aware of the buzz surrounding Jimmer Fredette. Those of you who don't could probably care less. I was watching something the other day and one of the people commented that Jimmer Fredette was just a good basketball name.

Um, what? The name Jimmer Fredette does little to conjure images of basketball in my mind. I can, however, think of a few other things the name Jimmer Fredette is well suited for:

- Panning for gold

- Milking cows

- Hunting raccoons

- Quilting

- Shearing sheep

- Frog gigging

- Making moonshine

- Rapping*

*Just kidding. Just wanted to see who was still paying attention.

It's not a question about getting the message

2011-02-03T06:50:00.000-08:00

Mr M: You're old. And I'm closer to my birthday than you.

Me: No you're not. I only have to wait until April. Yours isn't until September.

Mr M: So? You're closer to death than I am. Ha ha ha ha.

Touche. Jerk!

Now in the future, cloners won't make much money

2011-01-20T22:08:00.000-08:00

This week I emailed an old friend the link to this article about a Japanese researcher's plan to clone a mammoth. They plan on using an elephant as a surrogate mother for an egg implanted with a nucleus from a mammoth cell taken from a specimen that was preserved in ice.

I wrote:

Remember when you used to say that some day they'd clone them successfully, and then they'd become pests and start knocking over your garbage cans in the middle of the night and you'd just shake your head and say, "Damn mammoths. Why'd they have to bring THOSE back?"

Well, looks like we're on our way.

He responded:

I only remember that because you brought it up and I thought, "yeah, that sounds like something dumb enough to come from my lips."

If you go to Eastern Europe though, you'll see some of the women and know that these Japanese researchers are wasting their time...Mammoths are alive and well.

Half a canyon

2011-01-17T06:03:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I had the following conversation with a friend:

Friend: It's free to go to national parks this weekend.

Me: Why is that?

Friend: They waived the entrance fees for Martin Luther King Day.

Me: But, that wasn't part of his dream.

Friend: No, it was. They just shot him before he could say it.

That conversation reminded me that I meant to blog about my last trip to a national park, which only lasted for about thirty minutes.

I left my parents' house the day before New Year's Eve to take my kids home after having them for Christmas. We decided on the way up that, weather permitting, we'd take the slightly longer way back to Arizona and stop at the Grand Canyon. I'll let you be the judge if the weather was really cooperating with us. Here are a few pictures of the roads we drove on for the first five hours or so of the trip:

They got slightly better after that, but only for a short time until we got caught in the second wave of the storm system for another hour or so.

We did make it to the Grand Canyon though. When we got there it was freeeeeeeeeeezing (yes, that many Es). It was seventeen degrees, with a heavy wind blowing. The park ranger at the gate acted like we were crazy for trying to visit the park on such a crappy day. I told him we just wanted to go to an overlook real quick, see the canyon, then continue on our way. He said that was good, and to go to the first overlook, because that was the only one we'd be able to see anything from anyway.

He was right. I took this picture a couple hundred yards from the overlook. You can't even see the canyon yet.

My kids are geniuses and only had sweatshirts on, so they were freezing, but I still made them "pose" for this picture:

Obviously not the best picture I've ever taken of them, but it really was too cold for me to feel good about asking them to stand there long enough for me to take a second one. (You know, one without my shadow obscuring their faces, and without wind blowing Tortellini's hair every which way.) Immediately after I snapped that shot they ran to warm up in the gift shop that was nearby, at the base of a watchtower:

I stayed out for a few minutes longer to see if I could take some better pictures.

(I couldn't really.)

(What's so "grand" about it anyway?)

I'm glad we went, even if it was the shortest trip I've ever had to a national park. Next time though, I'm definitely going when it's warmer.

It's in the photograph of love

2011-01-13T08:38:00.000-08:00

My brother is quite a good photographer. Last night he was telling me about an aspiring model who wants him to do a photo-shoot with her.

Him: She wants me to take pictures of her and one of her friends who is also an aspiring model.

Me: You know what that means? Threesome.

Him: You're such a freak.

Me: Alright. Alright. I'll do it. But I'm going to need some advance notice so I can get one of those spray on tans beforehand.

Him: And lose twenty pounds.

Me: Yeah. And grow a bigger dick.

But I've always been kinda partial to calling myself up on the phone and asking myself out, you know?

2011-01-01T16:17:00.000-08:00

After dropping my kids off at home after spending Christmas at my parents', I drove to Las Vegas where I spent New Year's Eve. The friend I stayed with was flying back from visiting his family for Christmas, and asked if I'd mind picking him up at the airport. Once I did, we decided to meet another friend for dinner at the sports bar I used to frequent (which turned out to be the right choice when the second friend picked up the check). My two friends had plans to hang out for NYE, while I had plans to meet up with Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend, although not until after she finished with a family dinner.

It was early in the evening, and the bar was pretty slow, which was nice because it allowed the servers plenty of time to come over to chat and catch up a little bit. One of our favorite servers was asking about everyone's plans for the evening when she and I had the following exchange:

Server: Where's your girlfriend?

Me: I don't have a girlfriend.

Server: Well, where's that girl you always used to hang out with?

Me: I'm going to pick her up a little later.

Server: Are you two going to have sex tonight?

Me: No.

Server: Lame! Why are you hanging out with girls who won't have sex with you.

Me: Because that's the only kind of girls there are.

Should old acquaintance be forgot?

2010-12-31T07:05:00.000-08:00

Anonymous Boxer is hosting a NYE party at her blog, and you should check it out if you have the time (if you haven't already that is). With the new year just around the corner, it seems appropriate to sit back and reflect on the year that just passed.

The year 2010 was the year I almost pulled the plug on my blog. The timing seemed right. I was finally finished with school, got a "real" job, and moved away from Vegas. I always thought the move would be the right time to do it, but when it came right down to it, I couldn't follow through. I know I haven't been posting as much as I used to, but I'm still glad that I kept it alive, albeit on life support.

I don't make it around to visit other blogs as often as I used to either. I'd apologize for that, but it's unlikely to change this year. Something about being busier now, you know, with the new job requiring me to actually work. But, the relationships I've forged with you guys over the years are too good to just let evaporate into the blogosphere.

It's just changing. Twitter is easier and faster. I don't have to think of a way to tell a story when the punch line can be delivered in fewer characters. So, if you really miss me, and haven't been following me there already, I welcome you to do so. If not, you can always check the sidebar here to see what I've been up to.

I'm looking forward to 2011. I think there are some good things in store. When you see the following list of highlights from 2010, you'll see that it won't be THAT hard to top.

My 2010 online highlights:

- I was re-tweeted by Michael Ian Black

- I had part of a text conversation published on Texts From Last Night

- I played a 128 point word, and had a 462 point game in online Scrabble through Facebook

- I received a marriage proposal via Twitter

Now you know where the bar has been set.

Happy New Year everyone!

Jolly old St Nicholas

2010-12-30T06:49:00.000-08:00

Mr M has argued with us about whether Santa is real or not for the past two years. This year he won the argument.

So, instead of getting presents from Santa this year, he got them from the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, Your Mom, Ed the Homeless Guy From Van Buren, Bambi From The Best Gentlemen's Club in Phoenix, Will Smith's Robot Arm and Sunny From iRobot.

Good luck trying to deny THOSE entities, Mr M.

I got game

2010-12-27T20:19:00.000-08:00

Tonight, Togers and I taught Mr M how to play Mancala. In one of the games I started beating him pretty handily, and started taunting him*.

In a sing-songy voice I said, "I'm going to win. Ha ha ha ha ha ha."

He said, "Maybe not. I have a trick up my sleeve. It's called flipping the board over."

*Because I'm such a great father.

Lived a freak of nature named Sir Psycho

2010-12-25T21:12:00.000-08:00

My kids love each other very, very much. If you don't believe me, just read the following quote from Mr M while we were in the car on the way to Grandma and Grandpa's house for Christmas.

"[Tortellini], after you die, I'm going to go dig up your body, cut your face off of your skull, and use it as a mask for my crotch."

See? I told you.

Because my love is strong and my heart is weak after all

2010-12-21T05:26:00.000-08:00

And now it's time for the list you've all been anxiously awaiting with bated breath: Native Minnow's favorite* albums of 2010.

Delta Spirit - History From Below
Quite frankly, I'm surprised these guys don't generate more buzz. This was the album I listened to more than any other this year, and I'm still not tired of it. Devil Knows You're Dead is a fantastic song. Just before I moved, I told Girl Who Wouldn't Be My Girlfriend that it should be our theme song, but she said it was too sad. Fair enough. It was the first song I heard off of this album, and I thought it would be my favorite, but that honor now goes to Bushwick Blues. Watch the video on YouTube. Great stuff.

The Whigs - In The Dark
One of my lamest brushes with "celebrity" (aside from Joe Jackson giving me a fist bump at a Halloween party because he liked my Axl Rose costume, or the time I walked right past Luke Wilson without realizing it because I was ogling the girl he was with) came when I saw these guys open for Black Rebel Motorcycle Club in February. When BRMC came on, some of the band members for The Whigs went out into the crowd to watch. During one of the faster BRMC songs, I got shoved into the bass player who was standing to my left. He caught me. I apologized. He said no need to. I told him he played a good set. He thanked me. Oddly, we never hung out again after that.

Band of Horses - infinite Arms
One of my regrets this year was missing these guys live because of the timing of my move away from Vegas. These guys played here a week or two before I moved, and played in Vegas the weekend after I left. Talk about missing the boat. Of course my Vegas friends had to keep texting me to let me know what a great show I was missing. Pricks.

Local Natives - Gorilla Manor
One of the benefits of living with a music fanatic is that I hear about a lot music I'd never find out about otherwise that way. My roommate told me to give this album a listen shortly after he moved in. I'm obviously glad he did. There's a pretty good chance that either Camera Talk or Warning Sign will make it onto a future mix CD of mine. I guess this album was actually released in 2009, but that was just in the U.K., and it's U.S. release was 2010 so I'm counting it. Sue me.

Ok Go - Of The Blue Colour Of The Sky
The kings of making music videos that go viral were at it again in full force this year with their videos for This Too Shall Pass and White Knuckles (I'm pretty sure the latter would hold a special place in the heart of everybody's favorite Anonymous Boxer). In the band's own words "'Cause nothin' ever doesn't change, but nothin' changes much." I also listened to this while cruising around UCLA's campus with some friends in early July. Somehow that mental image comes back every time I hear the song Skyscrapers.

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Beat The Devil's Tattoo
I'll be honest, the first few times I listened to this album I only liked the first three or four songs, so I rarely listened to it past that. But, as I work in the lab, or write, or drive, I often listen to my iTunes (or iPod) on shuffle so that I don't have to constantly restart it after an album ends. As you might guess, when that would happen, and random songs from this album would play, they started to grow on me. I love them now. It's still not my favorite BRMC album, but it's climbing the ranks. Plus, I got some kisses when I bought concert tickets for me and GWWBMGF, so that was a plus.

Neon Trees - Habits
This album is just fun to listen to, plain and simple. It's one that can instantly cheer me up if I play it while I'm feeling down. Which probably means I should play it a lot more than I have been lately. Kudos also go to these guys for making it out of Utah, a place with very little going on when it comes to the local music scene.

Eels - End Times
Speaking of feeling down, this is an album that you may not want to listen to while you are. Every song is centered around Mark Oliver Everett's divorce, and can be quite depressing for anyone who's been through one themselves (or anyone going through a break up of any sort). That said, it's got some powerful stuff. Like the song Little Bird, and The Mansions of Los Feliz. It didn't receive a very good review from Pitchfork, but those guys are too hip for their own good anyway, so pay them no mind.

Julian Casablancas - Phrazes For The Young
This solo album from the frontman of The Strokes has a bit of an '80s feel to it, but not in a bad way. Fans of The Strokes should really like it, and really, there's no reason any of you shouldn't be fans of The Strokes. They're another band that it surprises me they don't get more attention.

So there you go. Now you all know how to spend those iTunes gift cards you get in your stockings. You're welcome.

*One of my very favorite albums of the year was Kasabian's West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum. Too bad it was really released in 2009 and I was just late coming to the party.

Now that we're old and prouder than we should be, I hear you talking but I don't see the need

2010-12-18T19:36:00.001-08:00

Girl: She's beautiful.

Me: Yeah, she is beautiful, but you know is more beautiful?

Girl: Who?

Me: You.

Girl: You think I'm beautiful.

Me: You know what they say about beauty?

Girl: It fades?

Me: It's in the eye of the beholder.

Girl: True.

Me: And you know who the beholder is, right? Me. So you don't really get a say in this.

I used to love her, but I had to kill her

2010-12-15T19:40:00.000-08:00

Friend: Wow, this guy had a rough month of July.

Me: Why do you say that?

Friend: He had three charges of aggravated assault, two charges of aggravated kidnapping, one charge of unlawful detention, domestic violence in front of a child, among other things.

Me: Damn. Sounds about like me when I was going through my divorce.

Is he alive or is he dead? Has he thoughts within his head? We'll just pass him there. Why should we even care?

2010-12-11T18:32:00.000-08:00

This week's seminar speaker was a guy who was involved with the sequencing of Ozzy Osbourne's genome. I wrote down some quotes from his talk (the only notes I took, and only because they were hilarious).

Ozzy's motivation for participating in the study? "Given the swimming pools of booze I've guzzled over the years, not to mention all of the cocaine, morphine, sleeping pills . . . you name it, there's really no plausible medical reason why I should be alive. Maybe my DNA could say why."

When they analyzed his genome, they found some unique gene variants, one of which was a protein that alters the way his body processes alcohol. Ozzy's response? "I used to drink four bottles of cognac a day. I'm not sure I need a Harvard scientist to get to the bottom of that mystery."

Ozzy possesses a gene that makes him more resistant to heroin addiction. His take on that? "I was never addicted to street heroin, 'cause it made me throw up. A terrible waste of booze."

Ozzy's genes make him slightly more likely to develop an addiction to cocaine. Apparently he didn't buy that: "This must be bollocks, because anyone who takes coke as much as I did gets hooked."

The presence of other alleles that they found mean that Ozzy is more likely to hallucinate while on marijuana. He did believe that one: "Makes sense, although I was usually loaded on so many different things at the same time, it was hard to know what was doing what."

He also has one region of his genome that contains DNA sequences from Neanderthals. Apparently it's very common for Europeans to carry Neanderthal DNA sequences. Pretty cool stuff in my opinion.

Kind of makes me want to go get my genome scanned so I can find out what unique traits I'm carrying. I doubt mine would generate as many headlines as this one does though.

The statue got me high

2010-12-08T05:24:00.000-08:00

If Hollywood has taught us anything, it's that you need to be aware of the following if you ever find yourself exploring ancient ruins:

- Don't touch the statues as moving their arms will more often than not open a trap door.

- Simply stepping over a skeleton is a sure way to end up in the same position (as long as you're not the main character).

- Poison darts always shoot into your neck when you least expect it.

- Ancient ghosts have nothing better to do than hang around for centuries hoping someone will come by that they can haunt.

- Bad guys will always show up within fifteen minutes of your arrival, thus making your exit difficult.

- Hidden treasures are always booby trapped*.

- A girl will always make out with you after you've absconded with the treasure.

*Heh, heh, I said booby.

It's times like these you learn to give again

2010-12-06T08:47:00.000-08:00

I went to visit my sister this weekend. Yesterday morning, we decorated gingerbread men. My sister was drawing on one of them with the frosting dispenser (I have no idea what those things are really called).

I said, "Give it boobs."

My sister said, "No."

My two year old niece said, "Yes!"

My sister didn't do it.

Later, when my two year old niece was decorating her next cookie, she told me she wanted me to put a star on it (one of the frosting dispensers was star shaped). She showed me where she wanted it, so I put it there.

Then she said, "That's a boob!"

I'm a great influence.

I'm not looking for a warm embrace, I'm not looking for a friendly face, I've got everything I need

2010-12-01T05:37:00.000-08:00

Uncle: How old are you again?

Me: I'm 35. Why?

Mom: He doesn't want to be set up.

Uncle: Okay, how about just introduced?

Me: Uh. I guess that'd be okay.

Uncle: I know this girl who lives near you and works in the medical field. Gorgeous girl. She's 31, so pretty close to your age.

Me: She's probably too old for me then.

You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo

2010-11-27T08:33:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning and went to eat a bowl of cereal. As you know, I'm basically a child when it comes to my diet, so I reached for my box of Reese's Puffs and noticed that my roommate had taken it upon himself to complete a fill-in-the-blank rap on the back of the box.

In case you can't see it on the picture, I've transcribed the text below. The underlined bits are where Roommate filled in the blanks with his lyrics. (Mad-Libs: They're not just for kids anymore!)

My Reese's Puffs Rap

That peanut butter chocolate Mother Fucker
Is the shit that I fuck that makes me cream
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs, in your bowl, in your bowl

Recognize the taste that I shit on your plate
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs,
Wow peanut butter chocolate motherfucker

So crucial to my pussy ass vernacular
That peanut butter jizz is oh so spectacular!
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs

My Reese's Puffs are up in your rectum
Each peanut butter orb is fucking balls deep
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs, in your bowl
In your bowl. Watch me creep . . . Mother Fucker!

I don't know about you, but I think this baby is going platinum.

Spent the night in Utah in a cave up in the hills

2010-11-23T07:16:00.000-08:00

Last week I spent a few days in Moab, Utah for a scientific meeting. My boss, his master's student, and I skipped out on a session of talks so we could go check out Arches National Park.

The road through Arches:

Along the roadside:

Cairn marking the trail:

Stone steps:

Approaching Delicate Arch:

Delicate Arch:

We did this the morning of the day that park ranger got shot. Pretty crazy. I hope they catch the guy. We saw the beginning of the manhunt. There were well over a hundred law enforcement officials, and even an FBI helicopter.

And in case you were wondering, the meeting was fun (I knew a LOT more people there than I thought I would, including two very good friends), my talk was well received, and I'm told I did a good job even though I went into it with very little preparation (considering I was still writing it at the beginning of the session in which I was presenting - Who says procrastination never works?). Next year's is in Mexico. I'm already starting to lobby my boss to let me go to that one.

Cheeseburger in paradise

2010-11-16T08:07:00.000-08:00

Last night I was working late. A guy I know poked his head into the lab to see if I wanted to join him for dinner. I did. He went and got another guy and we went to a burger place near campus.

The guy I don't know all that well asked the manager what came on the western burger, and was told it came with barbecue sauce and onion rings.

Me: It sounds like it would be pretty good, except for those onion rings.

Guy: You don't like onion rings?

Me: I hate onions. They're pretty much the worst things on Earth.

Guy: Really?

Me: Yeah. I'd rather get AIDS than eat an onion.

Guy: . . .

If you could flick a switch and open your third eye you'd see that we should never be afraid to die

2010-11-09T06:12:00.000-08:00

It shouldn't come as a big surprise that I hate most meetings. I was in a particularly boring one the other day, so I started texting the ridiculous things the woman was saying to my friend.

I followed those up with two more texts:

Why should I have to suffer alone?

and

I can't take it anymore. I'm about to stab myself in the eye.

He responded with: Don't stab your eye. Blind some other fucker in the room.

Alas, I didn't have anything sharp.

Hooray for boobies

2010-10-30T19:44:00.000-07:00

I got a new roommate this week. His parents came with him to help him move his stuff in. I helped too. When we finished unloading everything, we went to get some lunch.

His mom was wearing a Chicago t-shirt. As we were finishing eating, I looked over and noticed that something had dripped onto her chest.

Me: Um. You've got something on your . . . Chicago, there.

She wiped it off.

My Roommate: Why are you staring at my mom's boobs?

Me: What do you want from me? She's hot, okay?

Roommate's Dad: Did you see how fast she wiped it up? She didn't even give me a chance to lick if off.

I think this roommate situation is going to work out alright.

You're a superstar, at the gay bar

2010-10-27T18:49:00.000-07:00

The other day I was in the lab working when one of the undergraduate researchers came in to do some bench work. He set up his laptop, and started playing music from his itunes library. Most of it was show tunes.

I texted a friend about it, lamenting the fact that I'd forgotten to bring in my iPod that day.

My friend texted this back: Punch him in his gay little ball sack - noone should have to put up with that shit.

He's right. But luckily for that undergraduate, he'd finished his work and left by the time I'd received my instructions.

We won't be sleepin' in our Autumn beds

2010-10-23T16:57:00.000-07:00

Oh, nothing. Just been out enjoying Fall. Again.

Ten second news

2010-10-21T07:35:00.000-07:00

I have a friend who just published a fairly high profile paper. He's had a few different reporters request interviews with him about it. I dropped by his office the other day to say hi, and he was waiting for one of these reporters to arrive. He and I chatted for a few minutes, then the reporter and cameraman showed up.

I got up to leave. The cameraman said, "We don't want to run you off. Go ahead and have a seat."

"That's okay. I should probably get back to work anyway."

My friend at least took the time to introduce me to the cameraman and the reporter*.

She shook my hand and said, "It's nice to meet you. You know, for some reason you look really familiar to me. Have we met before?"

I shook my head no and said, "It's probably just because I look like Bill Clinton," then I walked out the door.

Let her report about meeting Bill Clinton's love child.

*She was hot, by the way. I should've stuck around for the interview.

Now the beaver once slept for seven days and gave us all an awful fright, so I tickled his chin and gave him a pinch and the bastard tried to bite

2010-10-14T19:45:00.000-07:00

On my way to Vegas last weekend I stopped for gas and saw a bumper sticker that I couldn't NOT buy right then and there. It said: I ♥ BEAVER.

I called my sister afterward and told her what I'd found. She requested that I go back right then and buy ten more. I was already getting back on the freeway, so I told her I'd stop again and buy her some on my way home. I did. But I only gave her five. The other five I sent to friends who would display it proudly.

One of my friends received it today at work. He texted me and said he'd buy me something if I displayed it on my car right next to my parking sticker. Presumably so the ultra-conservative university parking enforcement would see it every time they checked.

I texted him back and said they don't even issue parking permits anymore. They just scan license plates now, so I put it on my refrigerator instead.

Our text conversation continued:

Him: So you like your beaver on the fridge?

Me: I like it anywhere I can get it.

Him: So you're easy.

Me: And cheap. Spread the word. Particularly to any hot chicks.

Him: Being easy rarely works for hot chicks.

Him: Get ready for ugly chicks!

Damn! He's right. Lower standards, here I come.

See our friends, see the sights, feel alright

2010-10-11T19:26:00.000-07:00

I went to Vegas this weekend. I didn't tell any of my friends I was coming. I just surprised them.

When I saw Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend, she grabbed my arm and said, "I really have missed you."

I said, "Really? I've mostly just missed your boobs."

She shook her head and said, "You're a dork."

This is why I'm single.

Girls, all I really want is girls

2010-10-07T19:46:00.000-07:00

The other night I stopped at a friend's house on my way home from meeting a couple of other friends for dinner. The following is from a conversation I had with his seven year old daughter:

Her: Why do you like Asian girls?

Me: What's not to like?

Her: Do you like Mexican girls too?

Me: As a matter of fact, I do. I don't discriminate. I like all* girls.

*Except for maybe the fat ones.

May the wind be always at your back, and the sunshine warm upon your face

2010-09-30T20:15:00.000-07:00

Oh. Hi there. I haven't forgotten about my blog per se. I've just been doing other things. Like enjoying the Fall colors this year. You know, I didn't really get to experience Autumn in Las Vegas.

But at least I'm willing to share some of the pictures I've taken. That counts for something, right? Right?

Words can mean nothing to some in this world

2010-09-20T07:07:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I met up with some friends at a park to play frisbee golf. Since the park was only a half mile or so from my sister's apartment, I called to see if she was home after we were done. She said she was, and told me to come over. I told her I'd be there shortly.

Meanwhile, my friends were trying to decide if they wanted to go for a bite to eat. As I hung up, one of them said, "Well, it sounds like [Minnow] is setting up a booty call, so I'm guessing he's out. Is that what you were doing? It was, wasn't it?"

I answered, "I hope not. That was my youngest sister."

"Full? Or half?"*

"You're disgusting."

*And you thought I left all my perverted friends behind in Vegas.

Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years

2010-09-16T23:15:00.000-07:00

Oh, hi there. Long time no see. I've been meaning to post, but there have been some complicating factors. Like the fact that I haven't had internet at my new place until now. And the fact that I can't very well blog from the new job because Big Brother is always watching. You wouldn't want me to get in trouble with Big Brother, would you? WOULD YOU?

I am alive. I'm still sort of settling in. What can I say? I'm lazy. At this rate I'll have my stuff completely unpacked in time to box it up and move again. That's sort of the way it goes. Last time I moved it took me roughly three years to do things like hang pictures on the wall. Maybe I'll do it sooner this time. Maybe not. Who knows?

I don't really have much more to say right now, but thought I'd at least check into the blogosphere for a few minutes. I'll make it around to catch up on everyone's blogs soon. Not tonight though. I have too much other stuff to do. Like catch up on fmylife, and textsfromlastnight.

Goodbye's too good a word babe, so I'll just say 'Fare thee well'

2010-08-31T08:45:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving Las Vegas.

Most would say, "Finally!"

I feel like I'm leaving too soon.

I'm picking up a U-Haul in about a half hour. I'll load it today, and head out of town tomorrow.

I'm starting a new phase of my career: A job that will allow me to focus solely on research.

It really is a good fit for me and what I hope to achieve.

I'm a little excited.

I'm a little nervous.

I'm also really, really sad.

I'll be closer to my parents and siblings.

I'll be closer to good flyfishing and mountain biking.

But I'll also be further from my kids.

I'm leaving behind some of the best friends a person could hope to have.

I'm leaving behind a girl I'd hoped someday to build a future with.

Those aren't easy things to give up. No matter how good the rest of it seems.

I know things will all work out for me. They always do, but it might take a while for things to feel "normal" again.

Wish me luck.

I'm in hate with the size of a desert

2010-08-28T14:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my ex-wife called to tell me that when she was picking the kids up from school, Mr M got in the car and the first thing he said was, "Did you know that you can dump dead bodies anywhere in Arizona because it's the desert."

She said, "You can?"

He said, "Yeah. You can dump bodies, or dig a hole and bury them, and nobody will find them because it's a desert landscape."

Is my son going to be the next Shane Botwin?

Flip flop flip flop flip

2010-08-27T10:16:00.000-07:00

Wednesday afternoon I was walking Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend to her class.

GWWBMGF: I'm going to be late.

Me: No you're not. You have plenty of time.

GWWBMGF: Not when I have to walk this slow. My feet hurt from walking around in these heels all day at work.

Me: You should keep some flip-flops in your car. Then you could just change into them when you get to campus.

GWWBMGF: You say that every day.

Me: I mean it every day.

GWWBMGF: Well, do you have any flip-flops*? No. So it's really not that helpful.

Me: I'm just sayin'.

A few minutes later we arrived at her classroom.

GWWBMGF: Alright, I have to go. I'm late.

Me: No you're not. You've still got six minutes.

GWWBMGF: Oh. So you're right.

Me: Of course I am. You should believe me more often. I am a doctor**.

* The next time I saw her I handed her a pair of flip-flops and said, "See? This is why you should love me."

** That will never get old. It almost makes getting this Ph D worth it. Almost.

Baby, Baby, Baby Bitch

2010-08-25T11:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was talking with one of the graduate students (who happens to be female) as we walked into the departmental office. I don't remember what led up to this exchange, so you have to start kind of in the middle. It's okay. I'm sure the 'introductory' conversation was boring anyway.

Me: It's because you're such a smart girl. Wait, I should say woman instead of girl, huh?

Female Grad Student: You should.

Me: I know. I use the word 'girl' all the time, because I never think about it not being politically correct. I always seem to forget that bitches don't like to be called girls.

Female Professor (laughing): I can't believe you just said that. I could bring a sexual harassment suit against you.

Me: No you couldn't. I don't work here anymore.

Female Professor: Good point.

Me: You could, however, call the cops and have me arrested for trespassing*.

* I still have a key. I'm pretty sure I could beat the rap.

I'd rather dance than talk with you

2010-08-23T09:03:00.001-07:00

This morning I forgot about two things:

1) The tunnel I drive through on the way to my office is under more construction than usual.

2) Classes start today.

The combination of these two facts meant that traffic was a bajillion times heavier than it's been all summer. Yes, a bajillion.

As I sat inching my car along, I had more time to notice some things. Like the license plate frame on the car in front of me that read "I'd rather be swimming." I can understand wanting to be just about anywhere other than driving in heavy traffic, but I was a little surprised that people still put those frames around their license plates. I was also a little surprised that no matter what, this person would rather be swimming. Driving to the airport for a tropical vacation? No thanks, I'd rather be swimming. Making out in the back seat of the car? No thanks, I'd rather be swimming. Then, as I pulled into the parking lot on campus, I noticed a friend's truck had one that read, "I'd rather be playing baseball."

So I learned two things on my way to campus: Some complete stranger likes swimming. A friend of mine likes baseball.

The problem with those license plate frames, though, is that there are some people who can't be completely honest with what they'd rather be doing because of social stigmas. I came up with a few, for those people. Hey, I'm here to help.

I'd rather be . . .

. . . watching porn.

. . . skinning squirrels.

. . . cooking methamphetamine.

. . . sacrificing virgins.

. . . punching retards.

. . . date raping your sister.

. . . burning a cross in your yard.

. . . choking a hooker.

Feel free to put your favorite one around your license plate.

Guns in the sky

2010-08-18T11:34:00.000-07:00

Mr M came home from school last week and said he was feeling sick.

My ex-wife asked him if he thought it might be because he wasn't drinking enough water.

He told her that it wasn't that. It was because if he couldn't think about guns he has a nervous breakdown, and he can't think about guns when he's at school.

In related news, my parenting goals just changed: If I can get my kids raised without one of them being involved in a school shooting, I'll feel like a success.

And I don't mind the forces of evil if they bring me closer to you

2010-08-16T06:34:00.000-07:00

Me: Want to hear a really offensive joke?

GWWBMGF: Only if you want to tell it.

Me: Of course I do, or I wouldn't have brought it up.

GWWBMGF: Okay. Tell me.

Me: Okay. So there's this married couple that goes to the doctor to find out about some test results for the wife. When they got there, the doctor came in and said, "I'm really, really embarrassed to have to say this, but there was a mix up and now we're not sure which results are yours. You either have AIDS or Alzheimer's, but we're not sure which." The husband got very upset and said, "Well that's just great! What are we supposed to do with that?" The doctor answered, "This is what you do: Take her out and drop her off in the forest somewhere, and if she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

GWWBMGF: That's terrible!

Me: You don't think it's funny?

GWWBMGF: I like that you think it's funny.

Purple toupee will show the way when summer brings you down

2010-08-11T09:04:00.000-07:00

One of the good things about facebook is that one can steal pictures from one's child's profile to use for blogging purposes.

Togers has spent the better part of a year growing his hair out to look like this:

Now it looks like this:

Don't worry. I've drawn the line and told him that under no circumstances is he going to be allowed to get a swastika tattoo*.

* Not that he'd even want one**.

** At least I hope not.

With the white unicorn across her shoulder

2010-08-10T09:21:00.000-07:00

I gave a final exam to my summer students last Friday. I finished the semester with a little segment about Conservation Biology, including a bunch of stuff about human impacts on biodiversity. In that lecture, I talked about the effects of habitat fragmentation.

The day before the final I got this email from one of my students:

I'm also still confused on the Edge Effect... can you explain that for me again? Is the Edge effect in correlation with fragmentation?

I wrote back to her:

Edge effects are definitely correlated with fragmentation. There are some species that do well at the edge of a forest (e.g., deer, elk, etc.), and others that need to be deep in the forest because they can't survive close to the edge (e.g., most of your mythical creatures like unicorns, centaurs, sasquatch, etc.). So, the more fragmented the habitat becomes, the closer those organisms that would be in the middle of the forest are to the edge, so they wouldn't survive as well.

I am nothing if not a professional.

Hate me, do it and do it again

2010-08-09T07:30:00.000-07:00

Girl 1: I knew a lot of girls in school that were skanks but claimed to be virgins. How can you still call yourself a virgin if you've done everything else?

Me: That all depends on what your definition of sex is. My doppelganger has argued that oral doesn't count. Does it?

Girl 1: Of course it counts.

Girl 2: I agree with her. After all, if I were to shove a cookie* in your mouth that you didn't want, then I technically raped you.

Me: Well, that would assume there'd be a cookie in this world that I wouldn't want in my mouth.

Guy: True. You can't rape the willing.

* In this case the cookie is not a metaphor.

Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort, suffocation, no breathing, don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding

2010-08-05T18:32:00.000-07:00

Someone made an unflattering comparison to me recently, and I joked to my sister that I was going to go kill myself because of it.

She texted me yesterday: What is your preferred method of death? I'm having [husband] fly me down.

I answered: Autoerotic asphyxiation. But I don't think you can help me with that.

So come on baby, just give me the fix

2010-08-01T07:48:00.001-07:00

I had dinner at a Thai restaurant last weekend. My fortune cookie contained a fortune that read, "You will find luck when you go home."

I looked and looked, but didn't find it.

Unless you count the granola bar I found in the cupboard and ate.

I'd rather get a fortune that says one of the following though:

- Your student loans will be paid off in full by an anonymous donor.

- Your car has been replaced in the parking lot - Drive the Ferrari home.

- You will find a duffel bag containing half a million dollars.

- You will meet Sasha Grey and she will be very interested in teaching you a few tricks.

A mass of incandescent gas, a giant nuclear furnace

2010-07-29T07:09:00.000-07:00

I gave an exam this week. I usually make them a combination of multiple choice and short answer questions. The problem with that is that I then have to grade the short answer questions. It's not bad when I'm grading the good students' exams. Or the really bad students who just leave everything blank (it's quite easy to write a big X and a zero on the page). But the students who haven't studied AND write a lot? Sometimes they make me want to jam ice picks into my temple.

For example, one of the short answer questions asked them to list three adaptations that birds have for flight. Simple enough right? After all, pretty much any four year old who has ever seen a bird could get two of the three: feathers and wings. Sadly, that would be one or two more than some of my students got. One answer said this: wings are involved, and the fight or flight response allowed them to evolve flight. Okay, fine, you get one out of three, but the fight or flight response? Really? Especially when the example I used is what might happen to you physiologically if you almost stepped on a rattlesnake? Because that's happened to me plenty of times, and I've never taken to the air.

(In contrast, some of the incorrect answers make me laugh. For example, I also asked them what a circadian rhythm was. One student put that it had something to do with funky beats. Awesome. Still no points, but awesome.)

Luckily, as the instructor, I have the power to make the TAs help me grade. So I did. Usually bribery with pizza does the trick, but this time we were grading a little later, and one of the TAs had a migraine, so I excused her from the additional pain of reading. I told the other TA that I'd buy dinner after we finished. She saved me about three hours worth of time, so it was well worth it from my end.

We went to dinner, had a very good meal, but the story that I really want to tell occurred right after. We had agreed to meet some other friends for pub trivia that night, so we both figured it'd be good to visit the restrooms (that were clean) before going to the pub.

While I was in the bathroom, I heard a couple of little kids talking to each other from separate stalls. Brothers I assume. One of them called the other one to help him with something (buttoning his pants, I think - neither of them could've been older than five) as I was walking to the sink to wash my hands. Thinking the coast was clear, I felt the need to pass some gas while I was washing my hands. So I did. Unfortunately for one of the little kids, he'd chosen that exact time to walk directly behind me (unbeknownst to me until after I farted directly on his head).

I saw him in the mirror as his reflection emerged from its hiding place directly behind mine not two seconds after the deadly gas blasted him. The look on his face just said, "Why would you do that to me? WHY?"

Sorry kid.

But it could've been worse. I could've sharted.

This is a match to a ball of lies

2010-07-27T09:27:00.000-07:00

Today I am giving my students an exam. I told them that yesterday's lecture would not be covered on it, but that I'd put that material on the final instead. Not surprisingly, very few of them showed up to class yesterday so before I started lecturing I told the ones who were there to take out a sheet of paper, write their name on it, then hand it in to me and I'd give them some sort of extra credit for it.

When the last student handed me their paper I said to the class, "There. Now aren't you glad you decided to come to class today?"

My new favorite student called out, "We're glad we come to class every day."

Who says flattery gets you nowhere?

This is the mountain, this is the lightning, this is the man pulling on his iron chain

2010-07-24T13:26:00.000-07:00

Me: The manager was cute.

Friend: Yeah she was.

Me: She also had a big old wedding ring on her finger.

Friend: She did? I didn't notice that. Too bad for her. She's missing out on all of this. [Motions to self with hands]

Me: Not necessarily. Rings come off.

Friend: She can leave it on for all I care. She didn't get it from me.

Hush hush we both can't fight it

2010-07-22T07:13:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I met a girl* at a concert. We were talking about something between the opening band and the headliners, and I said something that my friend misheard.

He turned around and asked, "Did you just ask her to touch your dick?"

Before I could answer, she told him, "Yeah, as a matter of fact I was just getting ready to touch his dick when you turned around. You ruined the moment, cockblocker."

He looked mildly offended at being called that, and said, "Are you kidding? I'd never cockblock this guy. If there's one person in this world who needs his cock touched, it's this guy."

Thanks dude.

*Not one that I was interested in by any means, but still.