The last step on my list of 'how to upgrade your bedroom' said to create an application form for ladies who want to help break in the new bed to fill out. Well, from here on out I shall refer to these ladies as the 'Classy Ladies' (It's an old inside joke I have with one of my friends that I don't care to explain right now - just go with it).
Here's the application I came up with, in case any of you are inclined to apply.
CLASSY LADY APPLICATION
Name:
Age:
Sex*:
Height:
Weight:
Are you employed?
If yes, what is your position?
What is your salary?
Does any part of your job require the removal of your clothing?
Have you ever been diagnosed with, or do any of your family and friends think you might have, bipolar disorder?
How about any other psychological disorder?
Do you have hair?
If yes, how long?
What color?
Is it dyed?
Is your belly button an innie or an outie?
Is it pierced?
Do you have any other piercings?
If yes, please describe:
Do you have any tattoos?
If yes, how many?
What are they of?
Where are they located?
Will you show them to me?
Do you have teeth?
All of them?
If no, where are the missing teeth located?
Do you have fake teeth to fill the gap?
What color are your eyes?
Are one or more of your eyes made of glass?
Do you have a wooden leg?
If no, would you like one?
Do you have breasts?
If yes, are they lopsided?
What size?
Are they real?
Are they motorboatable?
Underwear preference (circle one):
Thong
Granny Panty
Victoria's Secret seamless
Commando
Do you have any facial hair, such as a mustache or unibrow?
If yes, please describe:
Do you have kids?
If yes, how many?
If more than one, how many dads?
Do you have any super-powers?
If so, are they used for good or evil?
Are you proficient in yoga or gymnastics?
Do you cook?
If yes, are you adept at handling poisons?
Are you allergic to latex?
Do you like brie?
Have you ever severed a penis and hurled it out the window of a moving vehicle?
Have you ever severed a penis and not hurled it out the window of a moving vehicle?
*Obviously the wrong answer to some of these questions can automatically exclude someone from consideration.
Classy
ReplyDeleteIf you need help sorting through the applications, let me know.
ReplyDeleteAhaha! You made one!
ReplyDeleteNiiice!
this cracked me up - especially the wooden leg part! p.s. all women's boobs are lopsided (aka one is slightly larger than the other), of course some are more obviously lopsided than others.
ReplyDeleteSo where do I send my application?
ReplyDeleteEpitome-of-sweetness, I know!
ReplyDeleteShannon, I'll do that. They're bound to start pouring in.
Anomalie, I knew you'd like it.
Amber, I know that, but I was trying to weed out those with the severely lopsided ones.
Gypsy, copy and paste it into an email. I'll give you further instructions from there ;-)
Are you proficient in yoga or gymnastics?
ReplyDeleteThat question is an often overlooked, yet extremely helpful question in determining proficiency.
Name: Since this is the World Wide Web, I'm going to go by "Yours, For Free"
ReplyDeleteAge: I am 30
Sex: Female
Height: 5'4"
Weight: 135
Are you employed? Yes, I am employed. I have my own business, a home business, actually. My salary depends on how many 'customers' I have.
Personality Disorders: No, all of my friends are exactly like me.
Do you have hair: Yes, it's mussed up...uncombed, brown and a little past my shoulders. In fact, it's almost skimming my red bra.
Innie or Outie: Innie
Tattoos: You can see my tattoos anytime, sexy.
Do you have any teeth: Yes I have all my teeth, but some are just a few snagglers. (My teeth have suffered from my business)
Eye color: Brown
Breasts: I sent you a pic of my breasts. Did you like it? I never heard back.
Underwear: Commando
Facial hair: I just shave every morning. Well, on the days I remember to get up.
I have three kids, just like you.
There was a lady....
Does 'super powers' mean knowing how to make substances in your home? Without getting caught?
I do cook: I handle poisons pretty well. I haven't had any complaints.
So...am I considered?
If they're diagnosed Bi-Polar is that a plus or a minus?
ReplyDelete$2, Indeed it is.
ReplyDeletePleather Girl, Sorry, but you don't make the cut.
The Troll, I can see how some might think of it as a plus (promiscuity anyone?), but I've dealt with it too much in my life, and don't need anymore, so it's a HUGE minus. Like, minus a bajillion.
Wow...no wonder you are single ;)
ReplyDeleteStill taking applications?!
ReplyDeleteJust in case, here's mine.
CLASSY LADY APPLICATION
Name: JG
Age: 23
Sex*: Yes
Height: 5’3
Weight: Yes
Employed? Yes
Your position? Front desk
Salary? Meager
Does any part of your job require the removal of your clothing? Yes
Ever been diagnosed with, or do any of your family and friends think you might have, bipolar disorder? Yes
Other possible psychological disorders? Yes, self diagnosed manic-depressive disorder.
Have hair? Yes
If yes, how long? Short. The longest part sites beneath my ears.
Color? Brown
Dyed? No
Innie/outie? Innie
Pierced? No
Any others? Yes
Please, describe: My nipples. Originally both were pierced. Over time, thru excessive wear, one of my rings slit the top of my left nipple, so now only one is pierced.
Tattoos? Yes
How many? 1
Of? It’s a tribal motif.
Located? Lower back
Will you show them to me? Been there, done that; will do again.
Have teeth? Yes
All of them? No
If no, where are the missing teeth located? Lower left second molar.
Do you have fake teeth to fill the gap? Yes, a bridge.
Color eyes? Dark Brown
Are one or more of your eyes made of glass? No
Wooden leg? No
If no, would you like one? No
Have breasts? Yes, they’re tiny bites.
If yes, are they lopsided? Maybe. No complaints or comments about them yet.
Size? I’ve been told they look big for my small frame, but I wear a cup 36A, so I’d say small.
Real? Yes
Motorboatable? Yes
Underwear preference (circle one): Only one?! :(
Thong Yes
Granny Panty Yes
Victoria's Secret seamless Yes (very handy—love them)
Commando Yes, will do, for time to time, depending on the dress and occasion.
Do you have any facial hair, such as a mustache or unibrow? Mustache: Yes; Unibrow: No.
Describe: Mustache—Mexican type.
Kids? No
How many? No
If more than one, how many dads? Does not apply.
Do you have any super-powers? I wish.
If so, are they used for good or evil? If I had any, I’d use them for personal pleasure. So, I guess I’d use them for evil.
Are you proficient in yoga or gymnastics? I’m not proficient, but I do have some experience in both.
Cook? No. You wouldn’t want me to either.
If yes, are you adept at handling poisons? Does not apply.
Are you allergic to latex? No
Like brie? Yes, very much
Have you ever severed a penis and hurled it out the window of a moving vehicle? :) No
Have you ever severed a penis and not hurled it out the window of a moving vehicle?:) Um, no.
I disagree on the lopsided issue. If you get a good enough surgeon, they are perfectly symmetrical.
ReplyDeleteheh. all I could think was "If I knew where my teeth were, they wouldn't be missing."
ReplyDelete