So Sorry Carol

I got a horrible phone call today. My ex-wife called to tell me that her mother had gone to the hospital because her appendix burst, but while they were removing it they found that she had cancer in her stomach lining. It's very advanced. The doctors said there was nothing they could do to save her and will basically send her home to die. They told her that she probably only had a few weeks to live, and that chemotherapy would possibly prolong her life, but that she would suffer a lot more and it wouldn't be enough to help her beat the cancer so she's not even going to try it.

I don't know how to react. I haven't spoken to her in more than a year because I feel a little awkward talking to my ex-wife's family members. It's not that they hate me or anything like that, in fact I think most of them were upset at my ex when we split up, but I don't feel like it's my place to call them all the time and fill them in on what I've been up to. But the simple fact is, she was my mother-in-law for 8 years, and perhaps more importantly, my kids' grandma. I don't know how to prepare them for the fact that they are going to lose her, and soon. They're old enough to understand death, but I don't know how well equipped they are going to be to deal with this loss.

The thing that makes me the saddest is knowing that there have been a lot of missed opportunities for my kids to get close to their grandmother. For reasons that I don't intend to get into here, my ex-wife and her mother have not always been on the best of terms. As a result, they haven't spent a lot of time together even though they've been living in the same city for the past couple of years. It's been a sore point between me and my ex because I've felt that even though she and her mom have had their differences, that she shouldn't let those come in between her mom and our kids. She's almost always agreed with me on that, but still has rarely taken the kids over there to visit. Now it's too late for my kids to form some of the happy memories that they could have had. I hope that they don't hold it against us as they get older.

The one positive thing that I can get from all of this is that it's bringing their family back together. There are ten kids in that family, and some of them haven't spoken to each other for ten years or more. I think that they're all coming back to spend as much time with their mom as they can before she goes. I know that if she feels that her family is whole again then at least she will die happy. I certainly hope that's the case.

My ex told me today that she had been meaning to call her mom to tell her that all was forgiven. Now she wishes she had, because it would have seemed more sincere then. I'd encourage anyone reading this to make sure that your loved ones know that you love them. Life is too short to hold grudges. If there is someone dear in your life who you're harboring resentment towards, find it in your heart to forgive them, and let them know that you have, while you still have that chance. Not everyone gets a few weeks warning to set things straight.