Since I'm probably one of the only people in the world who doesn't drink yet still frequents bars, a lot of people ask why I don't drink. That's understandable, but I've decided that I'm going to start making up reasons that'll make the person who's asking feel uncomfortable. (Similar to The Joker explaining how he got the scars on his face in The Dark Knight.)
Here are the ones I've come up with so far:
- I'm a recovering meth addict, and alchol was my companion drug, so I can't get drunk without wanting to get high.
- I haven't touched alcohol since my dad came home drunk and blasted my mom with a twelve gauge shotgun.
- The last time I got drunk was when the Priest took me into his chambers and plied me with a bottle of wine, and I don't remember anything that happened between then and the next morning when I woke up with a sore butt.
- I learned my lesson after I was driving drunk one day and t-boned a van full of pre-school kids who were on their way to the dinosaur museum, killing all but one of them in a fiery explosion and leaving the lone survivor horribly disfigured from the third degree burns that covered 80% of his body.
So, take a vote, or offer up a new explanation of your own. Whichever gets the most votes will be the reason I give the next time I get asked the question.
11 comments:
Because when I drink I get extremely violent. And I go around hitting people for no reason. I also get very agitated when people start asking Me personal questions that are none of their business!!!
I also think we should think of reasons for people who are 27 (gasp) and aren't married. Or on reasons why a girl is a single mother or why couples aren't having babies. The list goes on and on.
Meth addict.
It sounds the most genuine.
And it's that what you're going for?
Genuine uncomfortableness.
Or maybe that's just because I know a lot of people in "recovery".
Number one is truly elegant. The others could be good if you tone them down a notch.
I think you'd have a good opportunity to use Epitome's violence ploy if you got follow-up questions using number One.
ok, you don't drink. Totally acceptable. You MUST be single if you go to bars and don't drink.
Ah, profile. Duh !
why don't you drink? are you a pussy?
Honey I think I would just say mind your own fucking business. Some of those reasons are going to set somebody off and it could get ugly.
if its a guy asking you, and you are going for the truly uncomfortable, say you don't drink because when you do for some reason you hit on guys ;)
I'm not supposed to mix alcohol with the high levels of oxycodone I'm taking. It's bad for my liver.
"because when I drink i like to have sex with donkeys"
I liked silentkid's but I'd change oxycodone, to antipsychotics :)
That'll make people uncomfortable AND be funny all at the same time
Alright, it seems like some combination of the drug abuse option will be the one I use the next time someone asks. Thanks for the input. I'll let you know how it goes.
hmmm... meth addict is good, but i think SEX ADDICT is better. Like if you have one drink, your inhibitions will dissolve, and you'll start humping the bar.
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