Graduation Day

How to have a successful graduation day in 78 easy steps (if you're Native Minnow):

1. Email your parents the night before with directions to your house
2. Call them to make sure they got the email and printed it up
3. Make sure you don't proofread your directions before sending them though so that there are at least two mistakes that cause them some confusion when they eventually arrive
4. Wake up the day of your graduation ceremony and run a few errands
5. Realize about lunch time that you don't have anything to fix your kids to eat
6. Debate whether you should call your parents who should be arriving any time to find out where they are
7. Opt not to call them, figuring you can run to the store quickly
8. Leave your kids upstairs in your room playing X-box
9. Tell your kids to listen closely for the door, just in case your parents arrive
10. Go to the store
11. Get a phone call from your dad as soon as you start filling your basket
12. When your dad tells you he's at your house, explain to him why you're not and apologize
13. Pay for your groceries and hurry home
14. See your parents sitting in their car in front of your house because your kids did not, in fact, listen closely for the door
15. Apologize to your parents again, this time for having retarded children
16. Call your kids downstairs to say hi to Grandma and Grandpa, but not without making a comment about how they left them out front for several minutes
17. Do NOT accept any responsibility yourself, even though it really is your fault for going to the store in the first place without calling your parents first
18. Fix lunch for your kids
19. Change into nice clothes
20. Wait for your ex-wife to show up
21. Head to campus for the ceremony
22. Meet your adviser and walk to the sports arena where the ceremony will be held
23. Go all the way around the arena to the door you were told to go in
24. Be told that door is not the right door, and that you need to go in through the tunnel, which is on the other end of the building
25. Go back around the building and in through the tunnel
26. Enter the tunnel
27. Immediately smell horse piss and manure
28. Curse the rodeo that was just in town
29. Line up according to degree
30. Wait around for an hour
31. Get a little excited when they say it's time to go
32. Walk out of the tunnel to the applause of the thousands who are in attendance
33. Glance around and take it all in with a big smile on your face
34. Spot your family in the crowd and wave to them
35. Follow the directions of the ushers to your seat
36. Realize how bad it's going to suck being sandwiched between two guys with seats that close together
37. Look at the seat in front of you and see the professor someone tried to set you up with once upon a time
38. Avoid making eye contact with that woman for the remaining three hours
39. Take your seat
40. Curse the rodeo again for making the entire arena smell like piss and manure
41. Listen to several speeches prior to being called up to the stage
42. Walk to the stage and feel relief when they pronounce your name correctly
43. Walk across the stage
44. Get hooded
45. Shake the Vice President's hand
46. Shake your adviser's hand
47. Walk across the stage and shake the university president's hand
48. Walk down the stairs and go back to your seat
49. Be glad you were the fifth person to go
50. Painfully endure the remaining 2000 or so names that are called
51. Sometime during that time, get a text from Girl Who Won't Be Your Girlfriend about how handsome you looked in full regalia on the jumbotron
52. Thank her, and then profusely apologize for making her come an hour or so later when you're still enduring the remaining names
53. Wonder why they couldn't have broken it up into a few different ceremonies
54. Also wonder again why they couldn't have cleaned out the smell of piss and manure
55. Listen to the guy behind you complain loudly and often about how long this is taking
56. Wish he'd shut up because it's not funny, it's only making you focus on how effing long you've been sitting there, and how much longer you have to sit there
57. Rejoice when you realize that they're almost done (after a mere three hours)
58. Exit the building
59. Miss two calls from your dad about where to meet up
60. Call him back only to find that he's not answering his phone now
61. Call Girl Who Won't Be Your Girlfriend to find out where she's at
62. Talk your way to her in the crowd
63. Get a kiss and flowers from her
64. Spot your parents, kids, and ex-wife over her shoulder
65. Remember that you didn't give Girl Who Won't Be Your Girlfriend fair warning that your ex-wife was going to be there
66. Take her over to meet your parents and ex-wife anyway
67. Pretend the whole situation isn't awkward at all
68. Decide then on where to go for dinner, because you never made a reservation anywhere
69. Call the restaurant on the way there to see if they can accommodate a party of eight on graduation night
70. Feel relief when they say they can
71. Enjoy a great meal
72. Order two desserts for everyone to share because you're sure they'll all partake
73. Eat most of the desserts yourself because everyone else, including your kids, are "too full" to even take one bite
74. Say goodbye to Girl Who Won't Be Your Girlfriend
75. Ride with your parents to get them checked into their hotel room
76. Convince your ex-wife that it's not a good idea to make the five hour drive home beginning at 10:30 p.m.
77. Go to bed with your kids and ex-wife on the couch
78. Fall asleep content with the way the day went down