Anticipation and Mortality

My ex-mother-in-law died last night. It's a really sad thing, but she reached a state at the end where I believe everyone was relieved to see her go. It's not easy to see someone you love in such a condition.

She was a trooper though. She held on much longer than anyone expected. The doctors told the family that she most likely wouldn't make it until Christmas, and she held on for another two weeks past that.

I had the dubious honor (I say that because it wasn't a fun experience, but I'm still glad I had the chance to show my support) of sitting at her bedside to make sure that she didn't need more medicine, or try to get out of bed if something startled her It was basically just to keep watch in case anything happened. While sitting there I had a little time to reflect on our mortality. That's not something I do often. In fact, I remember mentioning to my father a couple of years ago that I don't seem to be aware of the fact that I am mortal. Things that ought to scare me don't. There's only one time in my life that I can honestly say that I thought there was a chance I could die (when I was a teenager I hung over the edge of a 500 foot dam with some of my friends). As a result, I've done a lot of things where I probably could have died, but just not been afraid enough to refrain from doing those activities. Luckily, I've made it this far.

I was told the other day that people don't really start to think about their own mortality until sometime in their 40's - when they realize that it's coming up. It seems like the longer one lives, the more one wants to keep death at bay (There was a time when I thought I didn't want to be alive past the age of 50, now I want to live much longer).

It just seems to go against our nature to let go. We spend our entire lives doing everything in our power to stay alive. And for good reason, the world is a beautiful place. It's just terribly sad to see someone hang on a long time after their body has already quit on them. A time like this makes me realize how much I want there to be a God, so that the end of life is just us passing on to another phase. I'm hoping that I'll have a chance to see her again, just as I hope my kids will have a chance to see me again after my time finally comes.