I think the thing you said was true, I'm gonna die alone and sad

The other day I was sitting in my lab, printing some papers off, when I looked down and saw a couple of handwritten pages sitting next to the computer. It turns out, someone had dropped a few pages out of their journal, and one of the professors I work with had picked them up and saved them in case the student came back looking for them.

Of course I read them. Not only that, I photocopied them. For blogging purposes. Yeah, I know I'm going to Hell.

It's sad to actually see in words the pressure the young people around here are under to get married.

Without further ado, here it is (with his spelling, grammar, etc.):

I went on a date with a really nice girl named Britt because she seemed to be interested in me. Well, I took her on the date, and I was right. But I just didn't feel the same way. I'm trying to give girls who are interested in me a chance, but what if I'm just not really interested? I hate dating! Can anyone ever be happy? Can two people ever truely fall in love with each other? It seems so hard here!

I've tried to be less shallow, but it hasn't been very satisfieing. I don't know, when I read about my eternal companion in my patriarchal blessing it seems lack the luster those words once held. Now I feel as if these words are just describing an average ordinary girl, not the super extradinary girl I thought it was talking about. I worry about my family to, and have this crushing feeling that it's just not going to be what I dreamed of.

These things and many others are frustrating to me, but I've just got to have faith and keep on keeping on. It'll all work out in the end, I'm sure.

:D

Obviously this kid is Mormon. I wish I could find him, shake him, and tell him never to settle for "just an ordinary girl" but to wait until he does find the super extraordinary girl he's hoping to marry someday. There are worse things than a lifetime of being single. Like a lifetime of being married to an ordinary girl.

I can't think of what comedian said this offhand (and a quick Google search only brought up a bunch of religious web sites about marriage), but I love the quote. It goes something like this, "Single people are faced with two things: loneliness and freedom. But when they figure out how much fun they're having being free, they can forget about how lonely they are."

I hope this kid finds the superextraordinary girl he's looking for.

If Jesus drove a motorhome

Friday night I took Tortellini out with me and a few of my friends. We were walking on the Strip when a mini-van did a u-turn right next to us. The guy in the passenger seat had long brown hair and a beard.

Me: Did you see that? I think that was Jesus riding shotgun.

Friend 1: Jesus doesn't ride shotgun. Jesus is in the driver's seat.

Friend 2: Uh, I don't think so. I think God is in the driver's seat and Jesus is riding shotgun.

Me: Actually, I'd be willing to bet that both Jesus and God have mastered the whole teleportation thing.

Friend 1: I don't know about that. It didn't really help Him escape the whole crucifixion thing.


So when my friends and I die and spend the rest of eternity in Hell, at least you'll all know why.

Oh my sweet rapture I hear Jesus and the angels singing hallelujah calling me to enter the promised the land

I saw* a Nissan Altima with a vanity plate that read: JEHOVAH.

I thought His return would be a little more triumphant, and that He'd be in something a little more regal.

You know, like a chariot of fire.









*Of course this happens the one time I'm not carrying my phone to take a picture.

Gideon, what have you told us at all?

This was supposed to be a post for earlier in the week, but I kind of got sidetracked. Anyway, here's a list of things everybody should give up for Lent, religious or not:

- Smoking crack
- Stomping on the heads of rabbits
- Punching homeless men in the face
- Slipping roofies into girls' drinks
- Strangling hookers
- Fondling young boys

I'm pretty sure if at least one of my readers quits doing at least one of those things, it'll be enough to qualify me for sainthood. Or something like that.

And if you see Johnny football hero in the hall, tell him he played a great game

While driving to Salt Lake City on Saturday I talked to Epitome-of-Sweetness on the phone. She asked who I wanted to win the Superbowl and said she was rooting for the Cardinals. I said I didn't really care who won. I don't like either team, but when it all comes down to it, I'd rather see the team who hasn't had a lot of success through the years. That tipped the scale in favor of the Cardinals*.

She said she wanted the Cardinals to win because she really liked Kurt Warner.

I said he'd be a reason for me to want the Cardinals to lose.

She was shocked. How could I not like a guy who has done so many good things? After all, he married a woman who had disabled kids. He used to bag groceries. He does charity work for disabled kids. You've heard all the stories. That's exactly why I'm sick of him. I don't care if he helps raise money to help disabled kids. He does it for self-serving reasons. Do you think he'd be actively doing that if he didn't have disabled kids of his own? I doubt it. I hate hearing about him. I especially hate hearing from him. Did you know that God helped Kurt and his team beat the Eagles in the NFC championship game? It's true! Kurt Warner said so.

I hate hearing athletes talk about God. I have news for them. You play a game. For a living. You get paid more than anybody probably should be paid to play a game. I get that. I'd do the same thing if I had the ability, but still, it's a game. God doesn't care whether you win or lose. In fact, if I had to wager on it, God would probably be pissed off that you play it on Sundays. That's not exactly keeping the Sabbath day holy as He commanded in The Bible, is it Mr. Warner?

What does God do when there are people who believe in him on both teams? Does He push the most faithful team to victory? Oh, that's right. He doesn't do anything. The outcome depends on talent, making good plays, and catching a few lucky bounces throughout the game. To presume otherwise is sheer arrogance. We won because God likes us better? The following quote by Jeff Stilson comes to mind:

" I'm trying to wean myself off sports, it's too time consuming. I don't watch football anymore, I gave that up. I got tired of the interviews after the games, because the winning players always give credit to God, and the losers blame themselves. You know, just once I'd like to hear a player say, 'Yeah, we were in the game—until Jesus made me fumble. He hates our team.'"

It's the same type of thinking for people who survive a tragedy to believe they're meant to do something special in life because God spared them. So isn't that about the same as saying that the people who died did because they were somehow unworthy? Seems that way to me. People need to get over themselves.

Epitome-of-Sweetness seemed taken aback by my rant. She said that maybe I was the Anti-Christ. She said that at her old job people always said that about her, but she was thinking it applied more to me. Then she gave me a quote that I'll adopt as my own personal slogan: I'm not anti-Christ, I'm just anti-stupid-people.









*It wasn't meant to be. Maybe God doesn't like Kurt Warner as much as Kurt Warner would like to think. The end of the game was fairly entertaining, which is about all I'd hoped for.

You say, I like what you say, I like what you say

I'm taking a page out of the Book of Troll for today's post. I need to poll you guys in order to see what the general consensus is on three very important questions.

1) What is the proper etiquette when you're sitting in a public restroom stall, taking a dump, and someone else walks in?
a) It makes no difference. You go ahead and finish, wipe, and leave the stall to wash your hands.
b) You pause, and wait for them to leave the restroom before dropping the rest of the kids off at the pool.
c) You make as much noise as possible, grunting and farting loudly, in an attempt to scare them off.
d) You finish, and wipe, but wait until they leave before exiting the stall.
e) It depends on how far along you are in the dumpage when they walk in.


2) Is it possible to be Jewish and a Quaker?
a) Yes
b) No
c) It depends


3) Let's say that hypothetically you'd let your laundry pile up long enough that you had no more clean underwear. Do you
a) put off going about your day until you've done some laundry?
b) put on a pair of dirty underwear and go about your day?
c) go commando long enough to run to the store and buy some more underwear?
d) go commando for the entire day, but make sure to do laundry when you get home?
e) go commando for the rest of your life, because who wears underwear anyway?


Your input is greatly appreciated.

The Junky Jews Sing The Blues

In the cabin last weekend:

Guy 1: You're really not a very good Jew, are you?

Guy 2: I'm not a Jew.

Guy 1: As I understand Judaism, if your mother is a Jew, that makes you a Jew.

Guy 2: One of my moms is a Jew. My mom's lesbian lover is a Jew. I don't carry her mitochondrial DNA, so I'm not Jewish.



They came to me for a decision. You know, because I am so very wise. Much like King Solomon.



Me: Are they married?

Guy 2: Yes. In the state of California.

Me: Do you call her Mom?

Guy 2: Yes.

Me: You're a Jew.

Guy 2: But I don't know the kosher way to kill a sheep. And I've never stood at the Weeping Wall.

Guy 1: It's the Wailing Wall, you jackass. You're a bad Jew.

A vandal had written that Jesus knows just how you feel when you're falling asleep, asleep at the wheel

Even though this is Sin City, there are many people here who are religious fanatics, or at least profess to be.

I give you the following as an example:



To which I would counter, "Real men know how to spell the word 'their'."

Sister Jack

Me: How many miracles does one have to perform to become a Saint?

Girl: I don't know.

Me: What do you mean you don't know? You almost became a nun.

Girl: That's not the same as becoming a Saint.

Me: I know, but maybe you would've become a Saint.

Girl: No. I wouldn't have been a very good nun.

Me: Why? Because you like the cock too much?

And I can't relax with my knees on the ground and a stick in my back, Sister Jack

I'm not Catholic, so I don't completely understand the idea of Patron Saints. I do, however, realize there are a lot of them, I just didn't realize that there was one for just about anything. I was shopping for Jesus pencil toppers* last week at a souvenir shop on the Strip and found a bunch in the section with all the religious paraphernalia. These two were my favorites:







*One of the reactions I perform on a regular basis in the laboratory involves making multiple copies of a segment of DNA. Anyone who performs these reactions on a regular basis will tell you it's pretty much voodoo. Hence, I have little statues that I put atop the machine when I'm running mine for use as good luck charms. Who better to have as a good luck charm than Jesus Christ? I mean, my friend has a golden statue of Buddha that seems to work quite well, but I needed something for my problematic DNA samples, and I can't use someone else's good luck charm. Doing so would be more likely to bring a curse upon my research than it would be to cause the reactions to work.

Religion should appeal to the hearts of the young

This cracked me up when I heard about it. Apparently there's a big hullaballoo in the state I grew up in over it (that would be UT for those of you who don't know).

I talked to God and God said nothing special

A lot of you are probably already aware of this site, but those who aren't should definitely check out their t-shirts. I haven't gone through everything, but was particularly fond of some of their religious ones (under the funny t-shirts and gifts category - the real religious ones suck).

Here are some of my favorites:

- When God made me he was just showing off.
- I can't. I'm Mormon.
- Jesus would slap the shit out of you.
- I was an atheist until I realized I am God.
- Jesus loves me, but only for my money.
- Polygamy: Not just for the Mormons anymore.
- What would Bacchus do?
- Jesus loves you, but I think you're a douchebag.
- Nuke a gay whale for Jesus.

The last one sounds like something our president would wear while he's clearing brush down on the ranch.

I got a phone call from the Lord saying "Hey boy, what's up?"

But will He throw tiny rocks at my windshield as I'm following him down the freeway?

If there is a hell I'll see you there

I came across this card the other day as I crossed campus:


Of course, I had to try it out. You know, to get validation that I am a "good" person. Imagine my surprise when I placed my thumb on it for 15 seconds and nothing happened. It didn't turn green. Was there something wrong with the card? Worse, is there something wrong with me? I read the back and found out that yes, there is something wrong with me.

"Sorry . . . you're just like the rest of us. The dictionary says "good" is to be "morally excellent." Let's check the standard - the Ten Commandments, to see how far we fall short"

Here are the questions the card then asks, along with my answers:

Is God first in your life? No. It turns out that I'm extremely selfish and I pretty much come first in my life. I'd argue that anyone that says anything different is full of crap.

Do you love Him with all your "heart, soul, mind and strength?" I guess not. How else would I have time to eat, sleep, work, etc.

Have you made a god to suit yourself? I pretty much just worship myself. But I don't offer any burnt sacrifices or anything.

Have you used God's name in vain? Well, I haven't used His first name, if that's what you mean.

Have you kept the Sabbath holy? I don't suppose there's anything holy about watching football all day, baking a cake and giving my blog a make over. That's how I spent this past Sabbath. Ok, so maybe the cake came out divine. Does that count?

Have you always honored your parents? All except that one time that I knocked my girlfriend up and had to get married. Oh, and probably every time I've ever argued with them or gone against their wishes.

Have you hated anyone, and therefore committed murder in your heart? Well, there was that one time when a guy pissed me off so I caused a near fatal car accident with my mind powers.

Have you looked with lust and therefore commited adultery in your heart? Not in the past five minutes.

Have you lied (including fibs), stolen (the value is irrelevant), or coveted other people's possessions? Yes (I could be lying right now, would you know?), yes (I steal eggs from my roommate almost every time I bake) and yes (ipods, laptops, cars, pretty much anything that I don't already have).

Great. I'm screwed! And until I saw this card I actually thought I was a decent human being. Stupid evangelical Christians and their stupid guilt trips.

But what's puzzling you is the nature of my game

Let me tell you a story that will immediately prompt you to start praying for my soul. It happened quite some time ago, but I forgot about it until the other day when a friend of mine brought it up.

The two of us were walking when we got cut off by a guy in a wheelchair. When it happened, I leaned over to my friend and muttered "Do you mind? I'm trying to walk here."

It was another one of those moments when my friend (who is agnostic) was afraid to walk next to me for fear of being struck by lightening. I'm pretty sure I'm going to Hell, but you have to admit, that is funny.

God was drunk when he made me

A friend of mine emailed me this. I thought it was hilarious so I am passing it on to you.



Of course, if you're ever in a situation where you meet a Mormon ninja you're pretty much screwed.

God says nothing back but "I told you so."

When I saw this it really spoke to me. I doubt it's for the same reasons, but probably holds for me as much as whoever sent it in.

Smile on mighty Jesus, spinal meningitis got me down

Sometimes I can be an insensitive prick. I've cracked jokes about the homeless, mentally handicapped people, a girl in a wheelchair, a blind woman (although that was on accident, I didn't know she was blind) and kids. These jokes are never within earshot of the people I'm talking about, but that only makes it slightly better. Yesterday I had another such moment.

I was driving back to my office from lunch when I had to stop and let some pedestrians cross the parking lot. One of them had a bad leg and was using a walker so he was taking a long time. I was going to be late for a meeting (plus my windows were up), so I muttered "Hurry up gimp."

My friend (who's agnostic) said, "You can't say that. I'm not even a believer and I don't even want to be near you right now. Just in case He chooses to smite you."

Just as he said that I looked to the left and saw two mormon missionaries riding their bikes. I said, "Not a believer huh? I think I know of some people who'd like to change that. I can arrange for a meeting right now if you want."

I know, I know, I'm going to hell.

Now that I'm found I miss being lost

I stole this from my friend's blog, but it's ok because he stole it from someone else anyway. It does pretty much sum up the attitude of people in this country these days:

"If religion was based on scientific evidence, it would be called science and no one would believe it."--Stephen Colbert

The Gospel of Judas

With Easter Sunday fast approaching I thought I'd talk about something religious for a change. I don't know how many of you have seen this already (it's been all over the news) but an ancient text containing the Gospel of Judas has been translated. You can read up a little more on the page I've linked to (or do a google search), but the highlights are that Jesus supposedly taught Judas about mysteries of the universe, and that he supposedly asked Judas to be the one to betray him.

According to one scholar (whose name eludes me, and I'm too lazy to look up again), this makes sense with the passage in the King James version of the bible where Jesus turns to Judas and says "that thou doest, do quickly." Sounds like instructions to carry out some predetermined course of action, no?

I don't know exactly what this means to modern religions (if anything), but it is certainly an interesting view. We all know that there are two sides to every story, and in the case of the history contained in the Bible, there are twelve. Each of Jesus' disciples recorded their version of events, but only some of those made it into the widely accepted King James version. These were decided by church authorities who stood all the scrolls up on their ends, left them over night, and came back the next morning to see which were still standing (because that can only happen by divine intervention).

My guess is that this "new" manuscript won't have any effect on what people believe (just like the Gospel of Thomas and the Gospel of Mary, which are still largely unknown), but it's certainly interesting to think about. And the timing couldn't have been better.