Of course, I had to try it out. You know, to get validation that I am a "good" person. Imagine my surprise when I placed my thumb on it for 15 seconds and nothing happened. It didn't turn green. Was there something wrong with the card? Worse, is there something wrong with me? I read the back and found out that yes, there is something wrong with me.
"Sorry . . . you're just like the rest of us. The dictionary says "good" is to be "morally excellent." Let's check the standard - the Ten Commandments, to see how far we fall short"
Here are the questions the card then asks, along with my answers:
Is God first in your life? No. It turns out that I'm extremely selfish and I pretty much come first in my life. I'd argue that anyone that says anything different is full of crap.
Do you love Him with all your "heart, soul, mind and strength?" I guess not. How else would I have time to eat, sleep, work, etc.
Have you made a god to suit yourself? I pretty much just worship myself. But I don't offer any burnt sacrifices or anything.
Have you used God's name in vain? Well, I haven't used His first name, if that's what you mean.
Have you kept the Sabbath holy? I don't suppose there's anything holy about watching football all day, baking a cake and giving my blog a make over. That's how I spent this past Sabbath. Ok, so maybe the cake came out divine. Does that count?
Have you always honored your parents? All except that one time that I knocked my girlfriend up and had to get married. Oh, and probably every time I've ever argued with them or gone against their wishes.
Have you hated anyone, and therefore committed murder in your heart? Well, there was that one time when a guy pissed me off so I caused a near fatal car accident with my mind powers.
Have you looked with lust and therefore commited adultery in your heart? Not in the past five minutes.
Have you lied (including fibs), stolen (the value is irrelevant), or coveted other people's possessions? Yes (I could be lying right now, would you know?), yes (I steal eggs from my roommate almost every time I bake) and yes (ipods, laptops, cars, pretty much anything that I don't already have).
Great. I'm screwed! And until I saw this card I actually thought I was a decent human being. Stupid evangelical Christians and their stupid guilt trips.
21 comments:
I love Jesus. He is so cool. The bible clearly states that he is awesome. Rabid Jesus followers are pretty sweet too. Mormons are Jesus' best friends. I know this because I am a Mormon.
PS...why is it called a "Smart Card"? Does placing your thumb on it make you smart or only tell you if you are morally repugnant. Everyone knows that only dumb people believe in God.
Are they giving those out on campus today? I want a souvenir!
In response to rural mormon, and any one else reading. We show our ignorance, and yes our stupidity, best when we deny the existence of God. Albert Einstein said, "The more I delve into the mysteries of the Universe, the more I am convinced that there is some god or creator out there, who put these things there for us to find."
If you think you are "screwed", it's probably your conscience telling you you're right. Get a clue from it.
well the card itself said that no one can be morally excellent because it is humanly IMPOSSIBLE which means the rest of the stuff doesn't matter anyway.
Stick, I'd normally say you had a point, but then I remembered that I don't have a conscience. I mean, half the time I go around kicking babies and lighting cats on fire and I never feel bad about that.
Dang, we could use one of those to determine worthiness in the church...eliminate all those interviews! Wouldn't that be cool if it actually worked? Only problem is, you wouldn't want to do it in front of anyone. We would all be hiding in our closets testing our righteousness.
Oh, and Native Minnow...I always thought you were a decent human being too. :) I guess we are both in trouble.
stick: I'm sorry if my attempt at humor was not apparent. I'm glad that you and Albert Einstein believe in god. That's awesome. I'm glad that Carl Sagan and I don't believe in god. That's awesome too. Thanks for playing.
Not playing is simply to allow your inane chatter to go unchallenged. I know there was a time when Native minnow believed in God too. The fact that he now says he does not says something about his life.
By the way, you won't need to worry about my continuing our little word play, since I have decided to quit reading Native minnows blog. It is too depressing.
Life is not a game, and if it was, the rules wouldn't change just because we didn't like them.
Native Minnow has never stated on his blog that he doesn't believe in god. He was poking innocent fun at a card that is trying to define morals based on a Christian standard. Those who believe that the Christian god defines "good morals" needs to reread the Old Testament. I'm sorry you took this post personally and find it depressing. Native Minnow is one of the most morally upright individuals I have ever met. Your quick judgements of him are what I find depressing.
I hate when people look down on other people thinking that they are better and have the right to judge others. It's not our place to judge anybody else, it's just our place to be our best.
This blog is humorous. That's it. That's all it is. It's not a personal attack on anybody...it's JUST ALL IN GOOD FUN!!!! I'm just glad that Native Minnow does blog because I love his blog. Nobody has to read it, and should only read it if they have a sense of humor.
Don't worry, Minnow. I thought this post was funny. **L**
lol I thought it was funny too, and I do believe in God.
(RANT ALERT)
For the record, I've never denied the existence of God. I just don't think He cares as much as everyone thinks He does.
For example, I saw Peyton Manning praying on the sidelines that his team would win the AFC championship game on Sunday, and even talked about it afterward. I doubt that God had a hand in the outcome of the game though. I don't think God cares.
(If He did, then think about how much he must hate the people of New Orleans because following that logic then not only would He have allowed their city to be destroyed, but wanted to crush them again after getting their hopes up that the Saints would make the Superbowl. Their starting quarterback even declared that they were a team of destiny, and that it was God's way of helping the city recover. Think about it. He must really hate New Orleans.)
I'm reminded of the stand up comic who once said that just once he'd like to hear the losing team blame God for a loss. "We could have won that game. Until Jesus made me fumble. He hates our team."
I don't think God worries himself about our day to day lives. If I'm broke and I happen to find a $20 bill in the pocket of a coat that I haven't worn for several months, it's not because God came down during that time and put it there, it's because I forgot about it once upon a time. If our president says that God told him we should invade Iraq, I'm sorry, but I don't automatically believe him. I find it somewhat insensitive when I hear stories about how God spared the lives of someone who stopped to buy a donut, or mail a letter, which made them late for work at the World Trade Center on 9/11 because that suggests that those people are somehow more important than the others who did lose their lives in that tragedy. If my car breaks down I don't think that it's God punishing me, I figure it's because mechanical things wear out.
Jim White put it eloquently when he sung "See if it was God who made forgiveness, then before that he musta made sin. And who built the house of brotherly love, then let the Devil come dancing in? If it was God that saved the miracle child from the peril of the fiery flame, Well then it musta been him that killed the two hundred others just to glorify His name"
Besides that, think about how many prayers would cancel each other out if God was concerned about every single person's wishes. If someone's mother is praying for her son, while the son is praying that he can get laid that night, whose prayer gets answered? I'd guess that 9 times out of 10 it's not going to be the mother's.
To be honest, I don't know where Stick got that I denied the existence of God. Maybe I need to reiterate that the titles to my blog posts are song lyrics. Always. (At least ever since I stole the idea to do that from Fresh Pepper - oh how I miss his blog).
Does this make me too cynical? Angry at the world? Maybe it's because I never got that ice cream I prayed for when I was five.
(RANT OVER)
Well, I'm just really surprised that a post about a card you found with some Christian messages on it, and your smart alleck answers caused such a big rift. It kind of reminds me of that episode where they had to kill Chef because all of a sudden somebody said something about his religion (even though he'd taken part of making fun of every other religion) and it just pissed him off and he couldn't continue with his job. Good news...I still have my sense of humor.
I miss Fresh, too...
He was one semi-humorous guy.
With a sense of humor.
I thought this blog was funny, and know that everything on it is all in good fun. I say to not worry about stick and forget about it. :D
Maybe Stick's life is just in the shitter right now.
Let's all pray for him.
On the other hand, I bet if you looked for ways God has been in the details of your life, you would probably find at least a few in your 31 years of existence...
But that's the thing, just because someone is looking for God in their life doesn't mean that everything they're attributing to him is His doing. If someone prays for something and gets it they attribute it to God and that's fine. But then when they pray for something and don't get it then it's because that's God's will. I'm sorry, sometimes things just happen and God has nothing to do with it. If you were to count up all the prayers that people in this world offer, and take a percentage of the ones that people say are answered, you'd have a percentage that you'd want your favorite team's head coach fired over.
I agree...
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