Hang down my umbilical noose so I can climb right back

A friend of mine hosted a two-on-two basketball tournament yesterday. Initially, he wanted to make sure that those of us who play on a regular basis were on separate teams in order to keep it fun and not too competitive. However, as the tournament approached, he decided to let anyone that wanted to play pair up, regardless of skill level, just to make sure that there were some teams. That's how I was able to form team Shake 'n Bake with my friend Piz.

Our game plan largely consisted of coming up with uniforms (white wife beater shirts and Mardi Gras beads) and memorizing lines from the movie Talladega Nights to use as trash talk.

For example:

- We're gonna' come at you like a couple of spider monkeys.
- One of you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth.
- I'm the best there is, plain and simple, I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.

Yeah, we're annoying.

Piz and I were talking the evening before the tournament:

Piz: Are we going to win this basketball tournament tomorrow?
Me: Of course.
Piz: Is that going to help us feel better about our lives?
Me: I certainly hope so.

We won the tournament, and while I can't really speak for Piz, it didn't help me feel all that much better about my life. Maybe it's because we don't have the trophy yet.

There were a lot of people who didn't play but showed up just to have fun watching the games, dying Easter eggs, barbecuing, etc. I'm only bringing this up so that I can tell you one of the funniest things I heard all night. My friend's daughter asked what color of egg I wanted, and then dyed one red and yellow for me. When they left, they took most of the eggs with them, but I made her leave mine. I was carrying it around, saying that nobody could eat it because it was my egg, when a guy made a crack about my masculinity.

Him: Your egg huh? You know, most guys wouldn't be able to say that.
Me: It is my egg. I keep it in my vagina.
Him: A vagina is not a fanny pack.