I wish I was a little bit taller, wish I was a baller

Those of you who follow college basketball are probably aware of the buzz surrounding Jimmer Fredette. Those of you who don't could probably care less. I was watching something the other day and one of the people commented that Jimmer Fredette was just a good basketball name.

Um, what? The name Jimmer Fredette does little to conjure images of basketball in my mind. I can, however, think of a few other things the name Jimmer Fredette is well suited for:

- Panning for gold

- Milking cows

- Hunting raccoons

- Quilting

- Shearing sheep

- Frog gigging

- Making moonshine

- Rapping*










*Just kidding. Just wanted to see who was still paying attention.

The sporting life

Reason # 3,128 why I love NBA quotes comes from ESPN's recap of last night's Jazz vs. Rockets game:

"We were touching a lot of balls, we were deflecting a lot of passes," said Scola, who had five rebounds, two steals and a block. "We pretty much controlled the whole game."

There you have it - All it takes to win in the NBA is to touch a lot of balls.

Yo, watch the way I navigate, ha ha ha ha ha

According to my physical therapist, I am officially ineligible for the wheelchair basketball league.

Part of me is pleased that my recovery is going so well. Another part is a little disappointed. I so would've owned that league.

I know it's not mine but I'll see if I can use it for a weekend or a one night stand

Me: I got tickets to the Mountain West tournament.

Rural Murder: Cool. That should be fun.

Me: Yeah, but I have to give away my Thursday night ticket because I'll be teaching during that game.

Rural Murder: Too bad.

Me: But I still get to see both games on Friday, and the men's and women's finals on Saturday. Although, I haven't decided if I'll go to the women's championship game.

Rural Murder: That's because you're misogynistic.

Me: Yeah. You know me. I hate women. The only time I love them is when my penis is in their vagina.

Rural Murder: Classy!

Me: I know!!!

If you think that a kiss is on the lips come on you've got it all wrong man

Last night I went to a basketball game. On the way over, my friend and I saw another friend of ours who was also going to the game. While we were sitting in the student section, our other friend had box seats. He mentioned that the girl who had hooked him up with the tickets had some really attractive friends that might also be in attendance.

Near the end of the first half, I received a text message from the guy with box seats. The following text message conversation ensued:

Him: Reminds me of when we used to play basketball :(

Me: Any hot chicks up there in the booth with you?

Him: Mostly sausage

Me: Eat up

Him: Mmmmmmm. . .

Me: Make sure to close your eyelids before getting shot in the face so as to avoid eye irritation

Him: Thanks! You know from experience?

Me: From you alright. I learned from watching you!

Him: Nice! I love that commercial! My dad was too busy watching tv to teach me to smoke pot.

Me: Parents who suck cock have kids who suck cock

Him: I don't know what to say to that.

Me: Well, what can you say when your mouth's full of cock?

Him: Ok. You win!

Tied the knot that broke my fall

I tweaked my back playing basketball the other day and it's been sore ever since. Back pain is nothing new to me, in fact I experience it a little too regularly. If I was a smart man, I'd start doing exercises to strengthen my core. Then again, I never claimed to be a smart man.

(You should know that it was on a play where I blocked another guy's shot - if for no other reason than it makes me sound more cool than I really am and helps me feel better about my life)

While we were playing, one of the guys on the other team made a tough shot. I told him that it was the kind of shot that would have had the crowd chanting his name if we weren't playing in an empty gym.

As soon as I said that I realized something. One of the things I'd like to have happen before I die is to hear a crowd chanting my name. Once I said that to the guys I was playing with, my friend added, "and hopefully it's not at a public hanging."

Hopefully not, but that would technically fulfill the requirement and I could hang in peace.

Hang down my umbilical noose so I can climb right back

A friend of mine hosted a two-on-two basketball tournament yesterday. Initially, he wanted to make sure that those of us who play on a regular basis were on separate teams in order to keep it fun and not too competitive. However, as the tournament approached, he decided to let anyone that wanted to play pair up, regardless of skill level, just to make sure that there were some teams. That's how I was able to form team Shake 'n Bake with my friend Piz.

Our game plan largely consisted of coming up with uniforms (white wife beater shirts and Mardi Gras beads) and memorizing lines from the movie Talladega Nights to use as trash talk.

For example:

- We're gonna' come at you like a couple of spider monkeys.
- One of you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth.
- I'm the best there is, plain and simple, I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.

Yeah, we're annoying.

Piz and I were talking the evening before the tournament:

Piz: Are we going to win this basketball tournament tomorrow?
Me: Of course.
Piz: Is that going to help us feel better about our lives?
Me: I certainly hope so.

We won the tournament, and while I can't really speak for Piz, it didn't help me feel all that much better about my life. Maybe it's because we don't have the trophy yet.

There were a lot of people who didn't play but showed up just to have fun watching the games, dying Easter eggs, barbecuing, etc. I'm only bringing this up so that I can tell you one of the funniest things I heard all night. My friend's daughter asked what color of egg I wanted, and then dyed one red and yellow for me. When they left, they took most of the eggs with them, but I made her leave mine. I was carrying it around, saying that nobody could eat it because it was my egg, when a guy made a crack about my masculinity.

Him: Your egg huh? You know, most guys wouldn't be able to say that.
Me: It is my egg. I keep it in my vagina.
Him: A vagina is not a fanny pack.

I'll give you something that you won't forget

Yesterday some of my friends and I went to watch the NCAA basketball final. One of them called earlier in the day to let me know that he was still planning on going, but that he was going to be late. I had been playing basketball earlier, and my voice sounded a little weird (mostly because we were playing one on one and I'd been running around more than usual so I was coughing stuff out of my lungs).

Him: Are you ok? You're not getting sick are you?
Me: No. It's just because I ran more today. You know how you get that crap coming up in your throat?
Him: Semen? No, I'm sorry, I don't know anything about that.

He's such a liar!

You think the score's set but you can't truly see

The other day a group of us were playing basketball. When we finished one of my friends announced that he will be holding a 2 on 2 basketball tournament at his house in a few weeks. I knew about it already as I was with him when he bought the curbside basketball hoop, but some of our other friends hadn't been informed yet.

(In the earliest stages of planning, his roommate had offered to run the grill wearing a bikini. She followed that up by saying she didn't own one, but being the selfless guy that I am, I offered to buy her one if she needed me to.)

Friend 1: So are you guys interested in playing in the tournament?
Me: The only reason I'm coming over is to see [her]in a bikini.
Friend 2: Who's [she]?
Me: She's the little cutie that lives with [Friend 1].
Friend 2: She's a cutie huh?
Friend 1: That's what they say.
Me: Oh, don't act like you've never noticed.

. . .

Friend 2(to me): So what's the matter, is she too old and mature for you?
Me: I think she's 23.
Friend 2: So yeah, she's way too old and mature for you.

. . .

Friend 2 (to Friend 1): So do you two just sit around speaking German to each other?
Me: They do!
Friend 1: Actually, we talk about the people that are sitting right next to us without them even knowing it's them we're talking about.
Friend 2: Really?
Me: Yeah, it's usually stuff like "I wish [Minnow] would put his penis back in his pants."