I've got friends in all the right places, I know what they want and I know they don't want me to stay

When we were coming home from the desert last weekend, my friend's check engine light came on just as we passed through a small town.  Being a Sunday afternoon, there wasn't any repair shop open, but he didn't feel comfortable pushing on to the next town and risking doing further damage to his vehicle, so we opted to stay the night so we could have it looked at in the morning.  After looking around town to see what our options were, we decided to rent a cabin at a campground in town.  There wasn't much to it, just a queen sized bed, some bunk beds, and an air conditioner.  It was good enough.

At one point, my friend looked at his lady friend and said, "What are we going to do tonight when we're having sex and [Minnow] is going to be right there?  You're going to have to keep it quiet."

She got really embarrassed.

I said, "You can be quiet or you can be loud, it won't matter to me.  I'll have my ear buds in."

"Are you serious?" she asked.

I answered, "Yeah.  That way I won't be able to hear it when you guys tell me to stop masturbating while I watch you."

We're at it again, let's roll just like we used to

Last night I stopped to talk to an old friend and some other people I knew were also there talking with him, including a couple of teenage girls.

As I tend to do from time to time, I said something vulgar, then realized that one of the girls was close enough to overhear me. I apologized to her dad, and he said, "That's okay. She knows all the swear words. But she also knows better than to fucking repeat any of them."

She enthusiastically added, "It's true. I know all the bad words."

I replied, "I'm willing to bet you don't know all of them. I guarantee I know some words that you don't know, because I know some words that not even your dad knows."

"No. I know them all."

"Really? What's snoodling then?"

"Snoodling?"

"I rest my case."

Turn around, turn around, there's a thing there that can be found. Turn around, turn around, it's a human skull on the ground.

Last week a girl I know texted to say I should go hiking with her over the weekend. My brother texted me a few days later to see if I wanted to go hiking with him. Being the amazing accommodator I am, I asked both of them if they'd mind hiking as a group. They both agreed that would be fine, so the three of us set out on Saturday morning to try and make it to a lake in the mountains.

My brother told us that he'd tried to hike it with his two youngest last year in June, but couldn't go all the way there because of the snow. Even though we were attempting it a month later, we also had a lot more snow last winter, so we ran into the same problem. We eventually got into enough snow that the girl and I decided to turn around. After all, I was wearing sandals, and she was wearing shoes with very little traction. My brother decided to go on ahead. He didn't want to make an attempt to get there twice in a row without making it all the way up. He made it and took some gorgeous photos. It kind of made me wish I'd dressed appropriately, but oh well. There's always time to go up when the snow is gone.

Before we parted ways, my brother had made mention of his previous attempt to hike it with his girls a few other times on the trail. I only bring this up so I can tell you this conversation that occurred when we were about halfway up the trail and he pointed at a weird looking root.

Him: Dude, I think that's a bone.

Me: Yup.

Him: Seriously. I think it's a human bone.

Me: I'm sure it is.

Him: You're not even looking. Look at it.

Me: Looks like a jaw bone. It's probably from the hooker you killed the last time you came up here. When you said to your girls, "You guys go on ahead. Daddy's got some business to take care of back here."

Girl: Jesus Christ, [Native].


Hey, at least I always leave an impression.

Got a foul mouth that she never heard

Yesterday my roommate and I were getting ready to watch a movie, but decided that first we needed to go to the store to get some snacks. I settled on an ice cream sandwich and some Grape Vines. I handed him some money and told him just to pay for everything.

Cashier: Will that be everything for you?

Roommate: Yeah.

Cashier: Who's getting the Grape Vines? Those things are delicious.

Me: We're going to fight over them.

Cashier (looking at me): I have faith in you.

Me (to my roommate): Did you hear that? She just called you a pussy.

Cashier (shocked): No, I didn't say that.

Me: Her words, dude. Not mine.

Cashier: . . .