Turn around, turn around, there's a thing there that can be found. Turn around, turn around, it's a human skull on the ground.

Last week a girl I know texted to say I should go hiking with her over the weekend. My brother texted me a few days later to see if I wanted to go hiking with him. Being the amazing accommodator I am, I asked both of them if they'd mind hiking as a group. They both agreed that would be fine, so the three of us set out on Saturday morning to try and make it to a lake in the mountains.

My brother told us that he'd tried to hike it with his two youngest last year in June, but couldn't go all the way there because of the snow. Even though we were attempting it a month later, we also had a lot more snow last winter, so we ran into the same problem. We eventually got into enough snow that the girl and I decided to turn around. After all, I was wearing sandals, and she was wearing shoes with very little traction. My brother decided to go on ahead. He didn't want to make an attempt to get there twice in a row without making it all the way up. He made it and took some gorgeous photos. It kind of made me wish I'd dressed appropriately, but oh well. There's always time to go up when the snow is gone.

Before we parted ways, my brother had made mention of his previous attempt to hike it with his girls a few other times on the trail. I only bring this up so I can tell you this conversation that occurred when we were about halfway up the trail and he pointed at a weird looking root.

Him: Dude, I think that's a bone.

Me: Yup.

Him: Seriously. I think it's a human bone.

Me: I'm sure it is.

Him: You're not even looking. Look at it.

Me: Looks like a jaw bone. It's probably from the hooker you killed the last time you came up here. When you said to your girls, "You guys go on ahead. Daddy's got some business to take care of back here."

Girl: Jesus Christ, [Native].


Hey, at least I always leave an impression.

It's a new generation telling it the way they feel

I logged into facebook a couple of days ago and saw this as Togers' status update:

"This one time, I beat up a hooker, she was bleeding everywhere. One Shamwow, cleaned up the whole mess. Ring it out, you could do it again"

It shows how up to date Togers is on not so current events.

It may be my proudest moment as a father.

Gideon, what have you told us at all?

This was supposed to be a post for earlier in the week, but I kind of got sidetracked. Anyway, here's a list of things everybody should give up for Lent, religious or not:

- Smoking crack
- Stomping on the heads of rabbits
- Punching homeless men in the face
- Slipping roofies into girls' drinks
- Strangling hookers
- Fondling young boys

I'm pretty sure if at least one of my readers quits doing at least one of those things, it'll be enough to qualify me for sainthood. Or something like that.

Handle for your heart, let's go home

Not all people who think they're going to be doctors make it into medical school. You should be grateful for that. I've finished grading my lab final, and have decided to give you a few reasons to feel that way. Here are the correct answers to some of the questions, coupled with some of my students' responses given in the following format: Correct Answer/They Wrote.

Below/Above
I don't know about you, but I'd like for my doctors to know the difference between these two things.

Left Atrium/Right Ventricle
As we all know, we have four chambers in our hearts. Even if you want to give this guy a pass on the left/right part of this, there's a huge difference between an atrium and a ventricle. Let's hope he never becomes an open heart surgeon.

Heart/Intestine
Even worse. Let's hope this guy doesn't become a heart surgeon either.

Diaphragm/Liver
One's a muscle that separates your abdominal and thoracic cavities. The other is an organ that detoxifies the blood. I can see it now. "We're sorry. We know your father came in for a liver transplant, but we replaced his diaphragm with the new liver instead. His blood might still get cleaned, but he'll never be able to go up an octave while singing again."

Spleen/Kidney
Another hypothetical conversation: "You're going to have to go on dialysis. You have a ruptured spleen. Let's get that sucker out of there since you only need one to survive anyway. What's that? You only have one to start with? Well I'll be doggoned. Glad you said something."

Pharynx/Ventral Nerve Cord
Let's just hope that he doesn't become a neurosurgeon.

Vagina/Bulbourethral Gland
Since the first is found in females, and the second is found in males, I can only assume that this guy is gay.

Cervix/Digestive Gland
When your gynecologist starts fiddling around with your digestive gland (which you don't have* because you're not a crayfish, grasshopper or starfish) it might be time to worry.

Ovary/Vas Deferens
When you're a female and your doctor tries to give you a vasectomy, it also might be cause for concern.

Granted, most of these were from a fetal pig dissection, and not a human (we don't have enough hookers and vagrants around campus to start doing that - at least not without someone noticing), but the anatomies are very similar, and if you're that far off now, I'm glad to do my part to keep you out of med school. The rest of you can thank me later. By sending Christmas presents.






*Ok, you do have some, but they have other names. Like Pancreas.

Are you dead or are you sleeping? God I sure hope you are dead.

I recently found out that one of the couples I know is going to be moving to Chicago this summer. I haven't talked to the guy for a long time, so I emailed him to suggest we hang out before they leave.

Me: We should do something once you guys are both done with finals. Definitely before you move. What else have you been up to lately?

Him: We should definitely have a game night once finals are over. Other than that, I've been playing Grand Theft Auto a lot, so I've been killing a lot more hookers than usual.


I'm not sure how many hookers he usually kills, but I'm going to tell him to make sure not to store all the bodies in the same place. One dead hooker in the closet is fine, but any more than that, and the stink is going to upset his girlfriend.

Snortin' blue collared gak from a black hooker's ass, the mirror ball's startin' to rock

A friend of mine stated that he was "hoovering some Bolivian marching powder" the other day, prompting the following email exchange about the economy.


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: [Native Minnow]
Date: Jan 29, 2008 12:57 AM


What exactly is Bolivian marching powder?

And what does hoovering mean?

I'm dumb

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: [Rural Murder]
Date: Jan 29, 2008 8:08 AM


hoovering = sucking up like a Hoover vacuum = snorting
Bolivian Marching Powder = C-C-C-C-C-Cocaine

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: [Native Minnow]
Date: Jan 29, 2008 11:00 AM


Well, that's what I thought, but I wasn't exactly sure. Put down the mirror, the razor blade and the rolled up $100 bill. That's only going to result in a dead hooker. And no-one wants that. Especially the hooker.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: [Rural Murder]
Date: Jan 29, 2008 2:47 PM


I was actually snorting it out of the ass crack of a dead hooker. And you can't use US currency anymore, only euros.