Well first came an action and then a reaction

Last night at the bar:

Girl: I'm going to the restroom. Make sure nobody goes through my purse.

Me: You're trusting me? I'm going to go through it myself. I'm going to steal your birth control.

Girl: My tubes are tied.

Me: Oh. Sorry?

Baby I'm just a fool

The other night I was having dinner with a friend. I don't remember exactly what exactly we were talking about, but rest assured it was something that would make you think we were intelligent. Like politics. Or coalescent theory.

He was saying something profound when out of the corner of my eye I saw two ladies walk in. One of them had a buzz cut. I couldn't resist, so I nodded in her direction and said, "Speaking of butch lesbians . . ."

My friend looked at me with a horrified look on his face. Not like the horrified look that he'd give if she was a gross looking woman either. This was a horrified look like I'd just said the very worst thing possible. You'd have thought I was singing praises to Hitler or something.

So I sought to defend myself. "What? It's not like she's recovering from chemo or something."

"Actually, I think that's exactly what it is."

"Seriously? My bad."

I know it seems like I don't care but something in me does I swear

While lecturing today, one of my students knocked an entire pile of books onto the floor. It was a distraction, but I didn't think much of it. Then another student did the same thing about ten minutes later.

When it happened the second time I stopped lecturing and said, "Am I really that boring today? Everybody seems to be falling asleep and knocking things over."

The first student approached me after class and said, "It's not that you're boring, it's just that I'm narcoleptic and they've just changed my medication again."

Fabulous. Another instance in which I've unwittingly mocked someone for a condition they have no control over.

But if I can't change your mind then no-one will

A few weeks ago I was having a particularly frustrating day with my kids. A friend of mine had offered to pick them up from school and take them to her place for the afternoon. However, she got in a bit of a panic when she showed up and had trouble finding them. It turns out that one of them had forgotten that she was going to pick them up, and started walking home after school instead of watching for her car. My friend ended up getting them all, but not for another half hour, after several phone calls back and forth with me to try to figure out where they might be.

Once I was off the phone for good, one of my co-workers sensed my frustration, and gave me an inquisitive look to find out what was going on.

Me: Seriously dude, don't ever have kids.

Him: Ok. Well I have to say, I can't guarantee that I'll never have a kid.

Me: True. But take every precaution you can. Just trust me on this.

Him: So I'm guessing you haven't heard the news that my wife is pregnant?

Me: Oh. Congratulations?

Somebody save me, I don't care how you do it

Sometimes it's best to think before opening your mouth so as not to seem like a jerk.

For example, it can be funny to say, "Again?" if somebody tells you they ate all the cookies. It can be funny to say, "Again?" if somebody tells you they think they're pregnant. However, it's not very funny to say "Again?" if that person has recently had a miscarriage.

Also, it can be funny to say, "Your Mom" when somebody asks who you were just talking with on the phone, or asks who that was with the basketball team, or even what you did last night. However, that response is completely inappropriate if the person you're saying it to lost both parents when they were young.

Learn from my mistakes people.

God bless them pretty women

Earlier this week a friend of mine needed me to cover one of her labs. It's the one where we go over the major groups of Protists. Here's an exerpt from what I told her students.

"Trichomonas vaginalis is a parasite that is transmitted sexually. Obviously both men and women can contract it, but the symptoms usually only appear in women. So, there you have another reason why it's great to be a guy."

In hindsight, I probably should have left that last part off.

At least they weren't my students, so they won't be able to write that I'm a sexist on my evaluations at the end of the semester.

Open mouth, insert foot

I have a tendency to say things at the wrong time, or at least when I'm in the presence of the wrong people. For instance, I once made fun of a friend of mine for participating in a handicap awareness program just so that he could get a free t-shirt. There's nothing wrong with making people more aware of what the handicapped are faced with every day, but there was definitely something wrong with his motivation for participating. Of course, as I was making fun of him for it I said something along the lines of "so it was kind of like the time you participated in that stupid handicap awareness thing," then turned around to see a girl in a wheelchair glaring at me. Oops! I couldn't take the time to explain that I was trying to make fun of my friend, I just sat there and felt like a complete ass.

This weekend I put my foot in my mouth not once, but twice! The first was when I was sitting at a table with some friends. A friend of theirs (who I didn't know) came and joined us. They all began talking about this girl, and my friend leaned over and told me I knew her.

Me: "Oh yeah, someone told me to stay away from her because she has a boyfriend but she always cheats on him."
My friend's friend: "Yeah, that's me. There's a reason we don't live together."

The next night I was with the same friend, but a different group of people overall. I was describing where a girl we know lived and said "she lives over in those slummy apartments."

The girl I was talking to looked at another member of the group and said "oh, she lives right over by you then."

Just when I thought it was safe for me to start opening up my mouth.