And your ears just wanna ring, and your eyes just wanna close, nothin' changin' I suppose

The other day one of my old TAs forwarded me this email from a former student of hers:


Hey [TA],

My name is [Student]. I was in your [lab] last summer. I don't know if you remember me or not, but I was there. I sent you some Brian Regan clips a while back. Anyway, hey, I was wondering if you can help me out. I am trying to get a hold of the professor. I am almost sure his last name was [Minnow], but I can't remember his first name. Also, I think he left the school for another one. My point is, I am trying to get into Dental school and I need some professors to write letters of recommendation for me and I was going to see if he would be interested. Can you help me out at all? If not, thanks anyway.

[Student]


Um, yeah, Dude Who Can't Even Remember My Name*, let me get right on that for you.









*He emailed me today and tried to make it sound like we were tight during the semester**.

**I politely told him I don't remember him and he'd be better off having someone else write on his behalf.

With the white unicorn across her shoulder

I gave a final exam to my summer students last Friday. I finished the semester with a little segment about Conservation Biology, including a bunch of stuff about human impacts on biodiversity. In that lecture, I talked about the effects of habitat fragmentation.

The day before the final I got this email from one of my students:

I'm also still confused on the Edge Effect... can you explain that for me again? Is the Edge effect in correlation with fragmentation?

I wrote back to her:

Edge effects are definitely correlated with fragmentation. There are some species that do well at the edge of a forest (e.g., deer, elk, etc.), and others that need to be deep in the forest because they can't survive close to the edge (e.g., most of your mythical creatures like unicorns, centaurs, sasquatch, etc.). So, the more fragmented the habitat becomes, the closer those organisms that would be in the middle of the forest are to the edge, so they wouldn't survive as well.

I am nothing if not a professional.

This is a match to a ball of lies

Today I am giving my students an exam. I told them that yesterday's lecture would not be covered on it, but that I'd put that material on the final instead. Not surprisingly, very few of them showed up to class yesterday so before I started lecturing I told the ones who were there to take out a sheet of paper, write their name on it, then hand it in to me and I'd give them some sort of extra credit for it.

When the last student handed me their paper I said to the class, "There. Now aren't you glad you decided to come to class today?"

My new favorite student called out, "We're glad we come to class every day."

Who says flattery gets you nowhere?

I know you tried, I know you're cursed, I know your best was still your worst

The day before my sister's wedding I administered an exam in the night class I'm teaching. I didn't grade them until I got back. When I did get them graded, I saw something that depresses me greatly. It involves the following question (which I'd gone over three different times in class):

During aerobic respiration, which of the following molecules directly donates electrons to the electron transport chain at the lowest energy level, and thus only generates two ATP molecules?
A) NADH
B) FADH2


Two students chose D.

I wish I was joking.

Someday back when we were young I guess something just went wrong

Last night while teaching:

Student 1: Have you heard the sound of your voice? I have it recorded. Do you want to listen to it?

Me: Yes, I've heard the sound of my voice. I don't like it, so no, I don't want to listen.

Student 1: You don't like the way your voice sounds?

Me: No, because it sounds different to me than it does to you. When I hear it played back it sounds a lot lower than the way I hear it. I think it sounds like I'm dumber than I am.

Student 2: It just sounds like you smoked a lot of weed when you were younger. That's all.


Lovely. Student 2 confirmed that my voice makes me sound dumb. He might as well have said, "Your voice just sounds like you killed a LOT of brain cells in your youth."

Can I take points off for brutal honesty?

For the record, I've never smoked weed. My stupid voice comes naturally.

You're coming off kind of contrived and pretentious, you're not saying anything we haven't heard before

Once again, it's time to share the highlights from my TA evaluations from last semester. As always, these are taken verbatim from the evaluations themselves.

Laboratory Activities
What was your favorite lab exercise? Why?
- The video, because it doesn't stink.
- Disection*, because it is dirty and exciting.
- Leaving, because it was always late.
- Ugh, none! Labs were just very boring.

Which lab experience was most informative and educational for you?
- Disection because I can do it and touching

What was your least favorite lab exercise? Why?
- Disections, because the stink.
- Anything w/ plants -- hella boring!
- Earthworm dissection and looking at live flat worms because both creep me out.

What is the major weakness of the [biology] lab?
- The only thing I didn't like was the detailedness of the quizzes.
- It's too hard (that's what she said?)

What is the major strength of the [biology] lab?
- Actual action take and tangible to all senses.
- [Minnow] is just a big bucket of win


Laboratory Instructor
In general, how would you rate your lab instructor as a teacher?
- A for awesome
- Damn, he's good (maybe because he's young?)
- Nothing special either way
- Kept me awake

How would you assess your lab instructor's ability in making things understandable and their willingness to help?
- A for always helping
- Godly

Assess your lab instructor's knowledge about the topics covered.
- A for abundance of knowledge
- He's a smartie-pants.
- Knew pretty much everything - I mean he is a doctor!!
- Again, he is a plethora of knowledge, or maybe even a cornacopia.
- Knew more than I knew, answered things

Assess your lab instructor's examination policy, fairness, and grading.
- B for Boy some of those quizzes are hard

What were his/her strong points?
- He got an attitude (in a nice way)

How could he/she improve?,
- Not allow and/or engage in so many loud and disruptive conversations that do not pertain to lab.
- He is at his MAX!
- Somehow make preservatives (for disections) smell like flowers or something.
- "insert mean statement"
- Not to blast the A/C when driving [on the field trip].
- Nothing that I can think of, even my best friend who joined our lab commented on your greatness ;)
- SMILE MORE!
- Maybe go the the gym a little
- talks too much, which wastes lab time
- Be more cool
- psst . . . make the quizzes easier









*Apparently I need to do a better job of teaching these students how to spell 'dissection'

We haven't met and that's okay

On the first day of my summer class, I was going down the roster to see who was in attendance to find out if I had extra room for a few people who were trying to add. When I got to the 'M's, one student's last name was Montana.

Me (after calling out their name): Any relation to Hannah?

Student: No, but Joe is my uncle.

Me: Really?

Student: No.

The most disturbing thing about this exchange was this: Why wasn't Joe Montana the first celebrity to pop into my mind?

Forget about feelings, that's not what pays

Student (about to turn in his lab final): How can we find out our grades?

Me: I'll have them posted outside the lab sometime tomorrow.

Student: Is there any chance for extra credit?

Me: No.

Student: You need your car washed or anything?

Me: No.

Student: Need a tall blonde girl? I could see about sending a hottie your way.

Me: No, I think I'm good.

Another student approached me and said that the one who made the "offer" shoots porno films.

Which means he probably could've delivered the goods.

Which means . . .

WHAT WAS I THINKING???

So how you wanna kick it? Gonna kick it root down.

Are you as surprised as I am that not one student this week made an inappropriate comment about this root tip model?



Root tip indeed.

This door swings both ways

Girl: Are you teaching any classes other than this in the near future?

Me: Probably not.

Girl: That's too bad. Your lectures are good.

Me: How would you know?

Girl: I took your class last summer.

Me: You did? Why don't I remember you?

Girl: I don't know. I sat by [Girl 1] and [Girl 2]. I always sat on the left.

Me: I remember both of them. But I don't remember you. You must've been quiet.

Girl: Of course I was quiet. It's not like I'm going to interrupt lecture.

Me: Well, a lot of times people come up before or after and ask me things. You never asked me any questions.

Girl: I never had any.

Me: Well, that's probably why I don't remember you*.

Girl: That's okay. I forgot your name.








*Which is really weird, because she's hot.

I've got science for any occasion, postulating theorems formulating equations

In one of my classes this week I was explaining the scientific method to my students.

"The first step is observation, which is basically just that you notice something and start thinking about the reason why that's what you see. Then you develop a hypothesis that might explain your observations, and make predictions based on that hypothesis. Next you design an experiment to test the hypothesis, you analyze the results of the experiment, and draw conclusions based on those results. You can determine if the results support the hypothesis, and if they don't, you come up with an alternative hypothesis and test that."

Then I gave them an example of something that I'd been talking about in my other classes this week: sexual selection in guppies.

"Male guppies have colored spots all over their bodies, which turns out to be a way that females choose which males to mate with. People have done experiments to show that, but it all started with someone making the observation that males are brightly colored and females aren't. Then they came up with a hypothesis about it being related to female mate choice, and designed a set of experiments to test that. Think about it. You could basically set up a tank with a female and two different males, one brightly colored one and one dull one, and sit and watch to see which one the female mated with. It'd be like watching fish porn. But that's probably not the kind of stuff you want to go look up on YouTube."

I probably should have left the last two sentences unspoken.

So sentimental, not sentimental no

Once again, it's time to share the highlights from my TA evaluations from last semester. As always, these are taken verbatim from the evaluations themselves, so don't blame me for spelling and grammatical errors.

The Lab
What was your favorite lab exercise? Why?
- Pig disection. We Disected a PIG!
- Push ups. It gets me pumped.
- Invertebrate diversity I and II. Because worms, clams, and crawfish are probably the most exciting organisms to dissect. Also the starfish gonads get me excited.

Which lab experienced was most informative and educational for you?
- [Field Trip]. On the ride up, a fellow student said to his friend, "Why does anyone come out here? There's nothing out here, and Vegas is 15 min away!" I learned people can be dumb. And I'm a biased jerk.

What was your least favorite lab exercise? Why?
- Everything with plants, hate plants.
- Invertebrates =( gross

What is the major weakness of the lab?
- The pine cones suck
- Some ppl suck

The Laboratory Instructor
How would you rate your lab instructor as a teacher?
- Bill Clinton!

Assess your lab instructor's knowledge about the topics covered
- Pro!!!
- Freakishly thorough
- He knew everything we needed to know . . . and nothing more.
- He is smart, yo!

Assess your lab instructor's examination policy, fairness, and grading.
- Very fair! Especially in all situations.

What were his/her strong points?
- Being a damn good man.
- You are awesome, [Minnow]! Hot and helpful.
- Pure awesomeness.
- Euthuastic*

How could he/she improve?
- By giving me more 10/10.
- Listen to better music. Just kidding! :)
- Build a time machine and convince former self to not get married.
- In every way imaginable. Just kidding. Nah, just kidding again. No, just kidding. Again.

Then there was the guy who merely wrote "I &hearts [Minnow]" across the entire page, and also signed his name. Should I be flattered? Or afraid?







*Pretty sure they meant enthusiastic.

Unintentional tape manipulations

Today my class did a lab exercise to learn about probabilities and genetics. Part of the lab activity told them to tape a few colored disks together to simulate the way gametes fuse during fertilization. I brought tape with me to class, but forgot to put it out for the students to use. It wasn't really necessary, and most of the students finished the exercise without it, but one girl really started complaining about my "lack of preparedness."

Her: How are we supposed to finish this if you didn't even bring tape?

Me: I brought tape. It's in my bag. You don't really need it, but I'll go get you some if you want.

Her: I do.

I went and got a roll of tape out of my bag, and tossed it to her lab partner.

Me: Here you go. And while you're at it, why don't you go ahead and use that to tape her mouth shut too?

And it's hard to tell what it is and what it's not

Student: So is this quiz going to be multiple choice?

Me: No.

Student: So we have to, like, guess what the answer is?

Me: Or, you could just know the answer.

The test begins NOW

In part because I was feeling lazy and didn't want to have to think of another question to put on my students' final exam, and in part because I wanted to be nice and give them a freebie, the final question on their final (see what I just did there?) was this:

What is the answer to this question?
A) A is not the answer. Do not put A.
B) B is the answer. Put B.
C) C is not the answer. B is.
D) D is not the answer either. Seriously, put B.
E) Why are you even still reading this? Put B already.

Three people missed it.

I officially give up.

I know it seems like I don't care but something in me does I swear

While lecturing today, one of my students knocked an entire pile of books onto the floor. It was a distraction, but I didn't think much of it. Then another student did the same thing about ten minutes later.

When it happened the second time I stopped lecturing and said, "Am I really that boring today? Everybody seems to be falling asleep and knocking things over."

The first student approached me after class and said, "It's not that you're boring, it's just that I'm narcoleptic and they've just changed my medication again."

Fabulous. Another instance in which I've unwittingly mocked someone for a condition they have no control over.

Nothing here matters the spiders get fatter

Once again, it's time to share the highlights from my TA evaluations from last semester. As always, these are taken verbatim from the evaluations themselves.


The Lab
What was your favorite lab exercise? Why?
- Animal part, cuz I like to cut
- The pig dissection because I thought I never would cut up a pig, but I did it anyway

What was your least favorite lab exercise? Why?
- Grasshopper - smelly
- The field trip because I'm lazy and don't like to hike
- Earthworm dissection. 50% ethanol + water + Annelid = semi crul death to worm


The Lab Instructor
Assess your lab instructor's knowledge about the topics covered
- You know a lot. Go you!
- A for all-knowing!

What were his/her strong points?
- His demonstration of the root tip model

How could he/she improve?
- Don't be a plant expert. Fish is cooler. <')}}}>< *
- Get a pig dissection shirt
- If he went back to church
- Listen to better music
- Tell funnier jokes
- Lose the earring you pirate!







*That was my lame attempt to re-create the fish drawing that accompanied the comment.

That's right, I'm the egg man

During yesterday's lecture, I started talking about how changes in temperature can cause a protein to change its shape and lose its function.

Then, for an every day example, I gave my students the example of a fried egg. Here's my quote:

"When you heat the egg, the protein changes shape, and the clear part becomes white. When you cool it back down, the egg stays white, so those proteins do not regain their function. They do however, retain their deliciousness."

I repeated that to a friend later in the day. He said it's a wonder that I don't have at least one student off him/herself every lecture.

Mutilation out of sight and I'm contemplating suicide

Today I'll be indoctrinating my students about global warming by having them watch An Inconvenient Truth.

That means I'll be listening to Al Gore's voice for approximately six hours today.

If you don't hear from me again, it means I will have offed myself.

One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble

When my students finish with their dissections, they dispose of the animals in a trash can labeled 'Tissue Waste' since they can't throw them in the trash (for obvious reasons). Because of the way they dispose of tissue wastes, students aren't supposed to put anything else in the tissue waste bin. As I was reminding them about this at the beginning of lab, I looked into the tissue waste container and saw that someone from the lab before mine had thrown some paper towels in there. I sighed, held my breath, and reached into the tissue waste bin to grab the paper towels and throw them away properly. One of my students watched me, and thought I was being a bit melodramatic.

Student: Was it really necessary to hold your breath while you did that? It doesn't smell that bad.

Me: It stinks in there. It's disgusting. You'd probably agree with me if you'd ever stuck your head down there and smelled it up close.

Student: Let's see. [Puts her head down by the barrel, sniffs a few times and then comes back up.] Smells like Thailand in there.