No shirt, no shoes, no problem

A few days ago my sister called to see if I wanted some hand-me-downs for Mr M.  I told her I did, so she said she would send a box of clothes with her husband to drop off if I could go pick them up at his business location that's closest to me.  So I went and picked them up, then took them over to my kids' house so Mr M could go through them.  There were a lot of shirts that he really liked, including a couple of sleeveless t-shirts.

Mr M has always been one who likes to show off his 'muscles' so I said, "You should be happy about having all these muscle shirts, right?"

He answered, "Well, I don't want to have too many muscle shirts because it can be ghetto, depending on the situation."

"No, Dude, it's always ghetto.  No matter what the situation is."


So yeah, another quality piece of fatherly advice goes into the books.

And I'm back in black

A few weeks ago a friend of mine from Vegas came to visit.  After she went back home she sent me a Facebook message and signed off saying, "Stay black."

Which all lead to the following exchange:

Me:  Stay black?  I think I will.  Amazing.

Her:  Being black can also be a state of mind.

Me:  That's why when I leave a room I often say, "I'll be black."

Her:  Ha!  I bet you do.  I think you should start referring to yourself as a black man and see how concerned your family gets.

Me:  I might need some training.  I might have to axe you some questions about how to be a black man.

Her:  Axe away!  Actually, I will train you to be a loud and ghetto black woman.  They really don't put up with people's shit.  Plus, it would be more fun.  You might have to get a hair weave.

Me:  I'd love to be a loud, obnoxious black woman.  I'll start by yelling at the screen in movie theaters.  You can teach me more later.

Her:  That's a great start!  Also, remember to take offense to everything someone says to you.

Me:  I'm offended that you thought you had to tell me to be offended.

Her:  Bitch!  Calm yo black ass down!

Me:  That is absolutely the first time anyone has told me that.  Awesome!  I feel darker already.


It warrants mentioning that she just so happens to be black.  If you can't mock stereotypes, then what's the point?

More on this later.

We can control the context of presentation

Everything you need to know about the level of classiness of a place you're about to enter can be gleaned from a quick glance at the dress code.



In other words, dress codes in the ghetto are a little different than dress codes elsewhere.

Step aside, out the way, wipe that look off your face

The other day I went to the post office to send a package. I got one of the colorful padded envelopes that they have available for purchase, put the stuff I was mailing into it, and started filling out a matching address label.

As I was doing this, the lady standing ahead of me said, "Wow, I sure would like to be your friend."

Without looking up I replied, "Eh. It's overrated."

I know she was just trying to be nice, but when I'm standing in line anywhere in the ghetto I prefer to be left alone. I'm a jerk like that.

Bad Boys

Speaking of olfaction, It's probably not a good sign when I can walk by the apartments next to my office (that have been featured on Cops) and smell something dead. However, I'm not going to go nosing around there to find out what it is (pun intended).

Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

You know that your office is located in a bad part of town when within the span of a month you can see the SWAT team in the parking lot gearing up for an operation not once, but twice, and see the apartments next door featured on an episode of Cops.

Slow down, not so fast

Today I was going to the store with a friend to buy some maps (easy, it wasn't as exciting as it sounds). As we were walking to his vehicle, we came up behind a guy who was pushing a stroller and walking with a little girl. As we gained on him he turned around and asked "Do you guys work here?"

We said yes.

"You should put in a yield sign or something here. There are a lot of little kids that go to the elementary school over there, but cars come zipping through here all the time without paying attention."

(you know, because we look like we would have a say as to where yield signs should and should not be on campus)

He went on for a while about how nobody in this town ever pays attention to pedestrians (true, but I think it's probably true for just about any town in the west). Ironically, just as he was saying this we approached a crosswalk while a university police car came by. It didn't stop to let us cross.

He said, "See, even the police don't stop. But they're usually pretty good when it comes to writing parking tickets. Of course, that's where their paycheck comes from. There's probably a sale on donuts and coffee over there at Vons though, so he can't be bothered with slowing down."

We laughed.

He continued, "It's pretty sad that people don't pay any mind to pedestrians. Hell, I've been hit so many times. And I have a big van too. I could drive around town and run over people all day if I wanted to, I just prefer to walk."

I, for one, am thankful for that.

That's not teen spirit

I went to the store to buy my daughter a birthday present yesterday. In the interest of time (and lack of motivation) I went to one that was close to where I work, rather than waiting until I got home, so it was sort of in the middle of the ghetto. As such, it was a little more run down than what I'm accustomed to, and full of poor people.

Now, call me a snob if you wish, but I generally try to avoid places where there are a lot of poor people. It's not that I have a lot of money, but I do have pride, so I care about my appearance. I actually take the time out of my busy schedule to shower every day. For whatever reason, poor people don't seem to like to do that (not enough money for soap?), and as a result, places where poor people shop tend to have a 'poor people smell' to them. By that, I generally mean the smell of urine, bad breath and/or B.O. That's the reason I try to avoid such places.

As I walked into the store yesterday I got a good whiff of 'poor people smell' and found myself slightly annoyed that the item I was after was going to be clear at the back of the store. That meant I would have to endure the smell for at least that much longer than if my item had been at the front. Is it really too much to ask that a store automatically know what I'm after and rotate so that the item I'm after would always be just inside the door and next to the register by the time I come in from the parking lot? I know that if it did it for everyone that would be utter chaos, so they just need to do it for me. That would certainly suffice.