Girls and boys in school

Today I took Togers to his new school and got him registered for classes.  When we finished, I texted Tortellini.

Me:  [Togers] is going to have a busy year:  driver's ed, careers, law enforcement, guitar, computer technology, Spanish, physics, language arts, geometry, financial literacy, sociology, lifetime fitness, consumer health.

Tortellini:  Why does he have 12 classes?

Me:  That's just how he rolls.

Me:  Some of them are only for one semester, so the second semester has a different group.

Tortellini:  Oh, that's cool that he's taking a guitar class though.

Me:  I think he'll have a fun year.  He's already impressed with the number of cute girls ;-)

Tortellini:  Hahaha.  Of course.  I hope he has a good year too!  He's a freaking Junior.  That's crazy to me.

Me:  Crazy to me too.  Crazier that you're out on your own.  I feel old!

Tortellini:  You are not old.  I mean . . . you are . . but not compared to most parents with an 18 year old.

Me:  You're not helping!

With the white unicorn across her shoulder

I gave a final exam to my summer students last Friday. I finished the semester with a little segment about Conservation Biology, including a bunch of stuff about human impacts on biodiversity. In that lecture, I talked about the effects of habitat fragmentation.

The day before the final I got this email from one of my students:

I'm also still confused on the Edge Effect... can you explain that for me again? Is the Edge effect in correlation with fragmentation?

I wrote back to her:

Edge effects are definitely correlated with fragmentation. There are some species that do well at the edge of a forest (e.g., deer, elk, etc.), and others that need to be deep in the forest because they can't survive close to the edge (e.g., most of your mythical creatures like unicorns, centaurs, sasquatch, etc.). So, the more fragmented the habitat becomes, the closer those organisms that would be in the middle of the forest are to the edge, so they wouldn't survive as well.

I am nothing if not a professional.

Heart attack, heart attack man

I had a bit of a scare yesterday when I got this in an email from the Graduate Affairs Coordinator: Are you going to place a Spring 2010 Graduation Application in my mailbox?

I wrote back: I already graduated, didn't I?

She didn't respond, so I tore open one of the official transcripts I purchased the other day to send out with job applications. My graduation date is, in fact, stamped at the top, so I don't think they're taking my degree back.

But if they did, I wouldn't have to worry about paying back student loans, would I?

I like it for fashion because the rock loves dysfunction

Last week I took my kids shopping for school clothes before they moved. Togers spent the day helping his mom load the moving van, so I started shopping with Tortellini and Mr M with the plan that she'd drop Togers off at a certain store. We finished there before she got there, so we went to a few nearby stores while we waited, including the one where Mr M picked out his new SpongeBob Boxers.

Later, when we were completely done shopping and were driving to meet their mom I realized that I'd forgotten to get new underwear for Togers.

Me: Oh no! I meant to get you some underwear, but I thought I should wait because I didn't know what kind you prefer.

Togers: Boxer briefs.

Tortellini: Actually, Dad, he goes commando.

Me: [Tortellini]! That is your brother's junk you're talking about.

Tortellini: EEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!

Me: What? You're the one that brought it up.

Tortellini: Well you're the one that had to go and make me visualize it.

Maybe they're not going to miss me that much after all.

And there were trees around that they kept burning burning

Professor: The landscape of the Iberian Peninsula has just been hammered through history. I mean, you had the Moors coming up from Africa and going around doing all their raping and pillaging. Then there was the Spanish Inquisition, where people were going around burning everything. Other than that, it's a really nice place to visit.

Me: It sounds like it could be a nice place to visit even with all of that. It just depends on what side of the burning, raping and pillaging you're on.

Don't be sorry, what's done now is done, and this is who you are

Last week I had to proctor another exam. I usually take a copy to thumb through between watching for cheaters and playing "Who's best?" My name showed up three different times on this one. Here are the questions:

The rate of transpiration DECLINES as which of the following occurs (in an evolutionary sense)?
a) as the surface to volume ratio of the leaves becomes larger.
b) as stomata become superficial (from recessed).
c) as guard cells become more common on the upper side of the leaf.
d) as the cuticle becomes thinner.
e) as the leaf produces numerous trichomes.
f) [Female Student] shall speak into the microphone on this question. And to think that [Minnow] asked me to ask her to talk, well, let us say "not clean", the nerve of this guy...


Internal fertilization might be selected for because of which of the following?
a) fewer sperm required.
b) allows mobility of the female partner.
c) creates a period of extended parental care.
d) confers immunity to female partner.
e) none of the above applies.
f) I should like to consult [Minnow] on this issue, he is a wellspring of knowledge on the subject.


Species diversity in general increases as which of the following occurs?
a) heterogeneity declines.
b) wetness declines.
c) frequency of radial symmetry increases.
d) area increases.
e) temperature decreases.
f) wherever [Minnow] has priorly tread, or so the theory goes [legend has it he has speciated fifty times if you know what I mean...]


I no longer need to wonder how certain rumors about me get spread among the ranks of undergraduates.

At least as old as you are as you walk away

Mr M started Kindergarten yesterday. My ex-wife called after she dropped him off. She said that he normally likes to hold her hand when they're walking together, but wouldn't when they got out of the car. Until the walked into the building. He got a little nervous and reached up to grab her hand. Once they were in the classroom, the teacher told him he could go play with the other kids on the playground, he ran off without even saying goodbye to his mom or step-dad, and that was that. His mom cried. He had fun.




His step-dad told me yesterday afternoon that when Mr M was getting ready in the morning, he commented that he didn't want to wear a shirt to school because he wanted the kids in his class to be able to see his muscles (pronounced musk-ulls). I think we may have a young jock on our hands.

Cocaine and sushi on the lower east side

In case you're wondering what graduate students do all day, here's a small taste of what goes on in academia.

Our department has an email listserv that sends emails out to everyone simultaneously when someone posts to it. Usually these emails consist of boring stuff, like announcements for the next snoozefest seminar, but it was put to good use yesterday. Two nights ago a storm passed through, so yesterday the air was very crisp and clear (unusual for this city). One of the professors went to the top of the parking garage and photographed the surrounding view. He sent them out for anyone who wanted to use them(I doubt he meant for my blog, but whatever). Here are some of the pictures he took:





His initial email started a flurry of other emails, talking about whether or not we could use these pictures for the department's web page. Without going into all the details of those, the result was two brilliantly photoshopped pictures put together by two different graduate students (at the suggestion of another professor). Here are those pictures:




As far as I'm concerned, you can never have too many pictures of oversized, fire-breathing rodents attacking Las Vegas casinos.

Yeah, they've come to snuff the rooster . . . No he ain't gonna die

The holidays are much less stressful for me these days than they used to be. The semester just ended, and while I still have some grading to do, I'll be finished with everything by Tuesday. Of course, that just opens up a bunch of time to work on other things, like manuscripts that need to be written, but I'll be free from other distractions (except blogging of course) and should be able to make some progress in that area.

However, such was not always the case. When I was going to school in Utah, I worked part time for a major shipping company. The job sucked, but it paid better than most part time jobs, plus I got full medical ad dental benefits so I stuck with it. I got up in the wee hours of the morning to go load delivery trucks and was finished with my shift by 8:00 or 9:00 a.m. This made it relatively easy to register for classes every semester since I didn't have to block out a chunk of my day for work (I did, just not when classes were being offered), another reason why I stuck with the job.

During this period of my life, the holidays were my most stressful time of year. First of all, I'd have finals week to get through, but once that was over, instead of getting a break like many students, I had to work the craziest time of the year at the part time job. The hours would always increase with the extra Christmas volume because it provided us with different opportunities to pick up extra hours (which was actually kind of nice because it helped pay for Christmas). One of the ways to get extra hours was to go out with the drivers during the day and run packages to the door while they sorted through the rest of their deliveries.

One day I was out helping one of the drivers whose truck I loaded, and saw one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. She delivered in a somewhat rural area, and one of the houses we had a package for was out by itself down a dirt road. She pulled up to the house and handed me the package to run to the door. The yard was filled with various farm animals. I remember there being goats, ducks, chickens, geese, dogs, cats and small pigs. There may have been others, but that's beside the point.

I should probably take the time to point out that since this was in Utah, and it was Christmas time, there was ice and snow everywhere, including on the sidewalk that led up to this house. I carefully ran up to the front door, and as I did so, the farm animals scattered. They probably weren't used to sudden movements and thought I was attacking them or something, but as they tried to get away from the menacing figure coming at them, they were running in various directions. A few of the chickens, being as stupid as they are, ran straight toward me, but then one of them saw me and hurriedly tried to change direction. It was then that it happened, this chicken slipped and fell on the ice and squawked as feathers flew.

Ladies and Gentlemen, you haven't truly lived until you've seen a chicken slip and fall on the ice. I urge you to find a henhouse and try it for yourself this winter.

Now that I'm startin' to learn I feel I'm growin' old

Yesterday I had to proctor another exam. I always joke that the only good thing about proctoring is that I get to look at all the pretty girls in the class, except, I'm not really joking.

We all showed up a few minutes early, and while we were waiting until we were able to pass out the exams, the professor came up to talk to me.

Him: Some of the students have approached me to see if I could do something about the way you look at them during the exam. They said it makes them feel uncomfortable.
Me: No they didn't.
Him: I couldn't even get all the way through that with a straight face.
Me: And you know what else? Even if they did say that, tough.

Any time we proctor, students are bound to run into questions they need additional clarification on. It's just part of the stress of the situation, and they want to make sure they're not going to be losing any unnecessary points. They'll usually ask for clarification without really thinking about what they're asking. For example, yesterday I was asked, "By constant, does he mean stable?", and "What does he mean by 'first step'?"

Usually I just restate the question for them, but I'm often tempted to be real sarcastic and say things like "Oh, by first step he really wants to know what happens at the end of the process." So, you can imagine the things that were running through my head when several students sought clarification on a question that asked about which group contained the largest animals.

"Does he mean largest in body size, or does he mean the most species?"

I told them he was talking about body size, but relayed the message on to the professor. He kind of rolled his eyes and said, "If I say I bought a large car does that mean I bought ten cars? Or, if I say you have a large bank account, does that mean you have ten bank accounts each with $1?"

Immediately after that, a blonde girl raised her hand and asked me the same question. I wanted to answer her by saying, "Well, if I say I have a large penis, what do I mean by that?"

Of course, sometimes they'll come across questions that are just poorly worded, and because of that are confusing. I make it a point to notify the instructor about those just in case he wants to make a general announcement so we don't have to answer the same question 100 times. When I came across one yesterday I showed it to him and told him I thought it was a poorly worded question.

Him: Hey, out of 60 questions there's bound to be 20 or 30 that are bad. Cut me some slack, it was four in the morning when I wrote it. Don't tell them that. Four in the morning and I was hammered*.

Once the exam was finished, we had to go grade the essay portion. The professor said that he was going to supply pizza for us while we graded (a standard practice for these things). On the way there, one of the TAs said that she hadn't eaten all day so she was starving.

Her: I was told we were having pizza, so I didn't eat earlier.
Me: Well, you could be like me and eat earlier and still eat pizza.
Her: No. That exceeds my caloric intake for the day, and I need to watch that. I have squish where there didn't used to be squish.

When we got there we talked about how he wanted us to grade the questions, what he was looking for in an answer, how many points each one was worth, etc.

Professor: I'll go over the answer key, then I'll leave . . .
Other TA (interrupting): And never come back?
Professor: . . . and get pizza. But that depends on whether I see an IPA.
Me: I would have said it depends on if I see a hot girl, but you say a beer. I can see where our priorities are different.
Professor: I wanted to keep it professional.
Me: Yeah, getting drunk on the job is real professional.

Surprisingly, the students did fairly well this time around, so I don't have any headache inducing answers to pass on. You'll have to wait until next time for that. I'm sure there will be plenty then.









*Just to be clear, I should probably point out that all these things are said in jest. He wasn't really drunk when he wrote the exam.

'Til I can't remember what it was we said

A week ago I was talking to a friend of mine just before she taught her lab. One of the other TAs had left a copy of their quiz lying on the counter, so I picked it up and handed it to one of my friend's assistants.

"Here, I'm giving you an assignment. I want you to fill this out by next week."

This is what I got back:

Name: Fuck You!

1. The life cycle of most organisms from this Phylum alternates between two forms, name them: (2 points) Virgin and wanton sex goddess

2. This organism displays what type of symmetry? Sexy!

3. How many embryonic tissue layers does this organism have? Lucky 7 sleven

4. What Phylum does this organism belong to? There are 2 types of monkeys in the world. Which one are you?

5. ID the structure indicated by the pointer. Penis

6. What Phylum does this organism belong in? The one with your mom

7. Does this organism possess a true gut with two unique openings? Yes, an in-hole and an out-hole

8. Identify the structure labeled A (the hump). My lovely lady lumps

9. Identify the structure labeled B. Vagina

Had a real student turned that same thing in, I'd have been real tempted to give them a few points for making me laugh. If I could figure out their real name that is.

---------------------------------UPDATE---------------------------------

Side Note: I've just updated my links. If you would also like to be included, or if you would like your name removed, now would be a good time to let me know.

If you know what I'm saying

Me: I stopped by [Other TA's] lab this morning to see . . .
Friend: Hot chicks?
Me: No. I stopped by to see if . . .
Friend: There were any hot chicks?
Me: Would you stop? I went there because yesterday I think I forgot to screw . . .
Friend: Hot chicks?
Me: If you'd stop interrupting I'd tell you.
Friend: You have to admit that was funny.

All I was trying to say was that I forgot to screw the lids on loosely enough that our live specimens could survive the week. Luckily, they were still alive this morning.

Why do you waste my time is the answer to the question on your mind

One of my students approached me after class the day before the final. She wanted to know what she could do to improve her grade. She told me that she had totalled up her previous four exams, and that she was sitting at 59% and was afraid she wasn't going to pass. Again. (She also said that this was her fourth time taking the class.) I told her it was a little late for me to give her tips on how to improve (because they all require extra time), and that she just needed to hope that she could do well on the final exam. I mentioned a few things for her to try anyway, but she won't be able to utilize them until next semester (when she's most likely enrolled in the course for the fifth time).

I don't know how it is at other universities, but it seems like there are a lot more people who retake classes here than there ought to be. I'd say at least a third of my students this semester were retaking it. That's definitely more than there were at the university where I got my BS and MS. To me it just seems like a huge waste of time. If you've retaken a class once, and received the same grade the second time around, you're probably just wasting your time by trying again, and again, and again. I know one thing, if it took me four or five tries to get through an introductory level course, I'd do one of two things: 1) Give up on whatever subject it was, and 2) shoot myself in the face with both barrels of a double barrel shotgun.

I related the conversation I had with this student to a couple of guys I work with. Partly because it baffles me so, and partly because I wanted to make fun of the student. Ok, mostly because I wanted to make fun of the student.

Guy 1: Did you ask her what she wants to do with her life?
Me: No, I don't care what she wants to do. It doesn't really matter because she's not going to be able to do it. No med school or grad school is going to take her.
Guy 2: True.
Me: I know I wouldn't if I was sitting on the admissions committee. I don't want someone that can get it right after four or five tries. I want someone who gets it right the first time.
Guy 1: Seriously, but you could have told her to start looking at other options. Maybe you were the one she needed to hear that from.
Me: What other options am I supposed to give her? Should I have told her she'd be better off selling crack at the park? Or maybe selling her body?
Guy 1: Maybe she should be a teacher.
Me: Yeah, because that's who I'd want educating our youth.
Guy 1: I'm serious. You don't have to be that smart for that. I'm not saying all teachers are dumb. After all, my wife's one, but there are certainly some dumb ones out there. In fact, some of the dumbest people I've met since I moved here are working on advanced degrees in the special education department.
Guy 2: Well, how smart do you have to be to teach a retard?

Like watching newborn babies crack from work related stress

I am an evil, evil man. Here is just another reason why you can all be assured that I am soulless. My last exam made a girl cry. I'm not talking about eyes just swimming with tears either, but the kind of crying that involves a wavering voice and tears full on streaming down both cheeks.

I didn't feel bad.

I actually found it kind of pathetic.

And laughed about it with several of my friends afterward.

The following day a professor from the department asked me about my class at a party.

Him: So how's the most well liked [introductory biology] instructor doing?
Me: I'm doing good. Although I'm not so sure I'm the 'most well liked' these days.
Him: Why not?
Me: Apparently I'm turning out to be just as mean as the rest of you. My exam yesterday made a girl cry.
Him: Just one? You've got a long way to go.

We've got everything down to a science so I guess we know everything

It's time for a biology lesson. Here is a picture of a chloroplast. Look at it and study its components. Take as much time as you need.

Now that you've had some time to study, I'm going to give you one of the multiple choice questions I gave my students last week.

Q. All the parts of a chloroplast are

a. the outer membrane, inner membrane, stroma, thylakoid and grana.
b. the outer membrane, inner membrane, chloroplastal matrix, thylakoid.
c. the thylakoid, grana, cristae, outer and inner membranes.
d. the stroma thylakoid and grana.
e. your mom.

Including choice 'e' probably wasn't the most professional thing I've ever done, but oh well. Take that The Man!

It's coming down to nothing more than apathy

It's that time again. Time for me to share some of my favorite comments from students on my TA evaluations from last semester. (It was actually that time a couple weeks ago, since that's when I got the evals back, but I've been too lazy to put the post together until now.)

As always, misspellings, bad grammar, etc. come from the students, not from me. Without further ado:

Comments about the lab

What was your favorite lab exercise? Why?
- Cutting shit up! I love disection.
- The pig. You get to cut up a pig need I say more?

Which lab experience was most informative and educational for you?
-Pigs win again!

What was your least favorite lab exercise? Why?
- Anything on the computer SUX!
- Anything to do with plants. It was just an insufferable bore.
- Invertebrate anatomy - too many things to remember on a lame subject.

What was the major strength of the lab?
- Semilive/live specimens
- You learn cool stuff.
- Hard-on learning!!!
- <3 [Native Minnow] <3

Comments about the lab instructor

In general, how would you rate your lab instructor as a teacher?
- Woo! Very helpful and explained things mucho well.

How would you assess your lab instructor's ability in making things understandable, and their willingness to help?
- Check and check - maybe get an aka Keil Holliday =P

What were his/her strong points?
- Best TA Ever!

How could he/she improve?
- I don't think [Minnow] can improve - he is perfect.
- Don't do the SpongeBob laugh unless you mean it.
- Pierce other ear too.
- Bring in more candy.
- He could improve by working out more.
- Smile more =D, and bring coffee in the morning.
- Bring breakfast.
- A boombox in the lab with a CD to make a [lab] soundtrack.
- Be less douche-y. Just kidding, outstanding guy that [Minnow].

Once you're outside you won't want to hide anymore

My youngest sister graduated from high school on Friday. I took my kids to the ceremony so that they could see her give her valedictorian speech, hoping that it might inspire them to do well in school. My sister is someone who I would hope my kids would strive to be like. However, since kids tend to be clueless about these sorts of "life lessons" my motive was probably lost on them. I'm still glad we went.

Here's my sister giving her speech. She did a really good job. Much better than what my brother and I did for ours (more on this later).

Not to take anything away from my sister and what she's accomplished (graduation, valedictorian, 4 year college scholarship), but I think the best parts of the weekend came after her graduation ceremony. Notably, the kiddie trike olympics that were held in my parents' driveway later that evening:

Or Sunday, when I took my kids to Goblin Valley. First, we went on a short hike through a slot canyon just outside the park. The actual hike through Little Wild Horse Canyon is a nine mile loop. Since we didn't have a lot of time (or water) we only hiked about the first mile, then turned around. We hiked the entire thing about seven years ago when my oldest kids were still young, but they didn't remember much about it so I think it was good that we went again. They certainly seemed to think it was cool. As you can see, it's a great place to go to find out whether or not you're claustrophobic.

On the way back my youngest got tired of walking.

Him: Dad, can I have a piggy back ride?

Me: Yeah, but why do you have to be so lazy all the time?

Him: Because I love it.

After we got back to the car we drove to Goblin Valley and hiked among the rock formations.

It had already been a pretty long day at that point, plus we had a long drive back to my parents' house, so we didn't stay there too long. After about an hour I told the kids that we needed to start heading back to the car.

My youngest: Why? I'm happy here.

Obviously:

Six out of ten, better luck next time

I just finished proctoring an exam. If you've never had the experience of proctoring an exam, let me just tell you that few things in this world are as boring as proctoring. Seriously. Sometimes I think that if I had to choose between proctoring or sliding matchsticks under my toenails I'd choose the matchsticks.

Anyway, the idea is to have as many people as possible walking around the room so that the students are well aware of the fact that they are being watched. That way they won't be as tempted to cheat. (Of course, those who are going to cheat probably do anyway, they just make sure they do it while none of the proctors are watching)

Luckily, there are plenty of attractive women on this campus, and I have to say, it's much easier to pass the time wandering around a silent room when there is plenty of eye candy. I probably spend about 1/4 of my time in there actually watching for cheaters, 1/4 staring off into space, 1/4 joking with other proctors, and 1/4 looking at cute girls.

Today while I was proctoring another guy caught me doing the latter. He walked up to me and whispered, "Lecher."

"Oh," I said, "is it that obvious?"

How can you know that you're right if you're not nervous anymore?

I told you about the student who makes up a new middle name for himself every week. I thought I'd show you another example of the other things he does that make me laugh. Here are a few drawings from one of his quizzes. He got 100% on it, but decided to fill in some of the empty space on the paper as well.

What can I say? I'm easily amused.








********************EDIT********************

Ok, so the scans didn't work as well as I'd hoped. Let me transcribe the things he wrote for each image.

1. The sun wearing moon shoes (IRONY)

2. [Minnow] writing things on the board (complete with the temperature control that juts out the middle of the chalkboard)

3. The most delicious bagel I ever had

4. Each test tube has something drawn underneath it, presumably to hold it up. In order: Little stick people, a pyramid, scaffolding, a pile of used playing cards, Hello Kitty, and a trampoline.

Lipstick and callous and fishnets and malice

My students have their lab final this week. After spending a few hours holding an open lab for them to come in and review the material, we had to make them leave so we could start setting up the exam. It normally takes a while to set up because we have to dissect specimens for each of the labs they've done since the midterm. This time it took us about two hours. When we finally got close to finishing, one of my friends decided that we needed to speed things up a little bit.

Her: That's the way it's going to be. If anyone doesn't like it, they can just kiss my ass.

Me: I don't like it.

She turned and walked across the room toward me.

Her: [Minnow], do you appreciate your scrotal sac?

Me: Yes, I do. In fact, I'm the only one who appreciates my scrotal sac right now.