Ferraris and Benzes keep your girlfriend lost in a maze of luxury

A car like this one pulled up next to me at a stop light the other day:



I noticed for the first time that these have a 12 cylinder engine. I wondered aloud what the gas mileage was like for a 12 cylinder, and my friend and I agreed that it couldn't get many miles to the gallon. My friend pointed out that it probably did, however, get a lot of Poon Per Gallon (PPG).

I concur.

So, for those of you who are considering a new vehicle purchase, and PPG is high on your list of priorities, I give you Native Minnow's Guide To Shopping For A New Vehicle*.

Vehicles with a very high PPG rating:

Bugatti Veyron


Ferrari F430 Scuderia


Lamborghini Gallardo


Ducati Superbike


Vehicles with a very low PPG rating:

1970's Disco Van


White Trash Stretch Limo


Redneck Hearse


Honda Trail 90


You're welcome. Happy shopping!





*All images have been shamelessly lifted from the interweb with no credit given for the source. They are not pictures I took in my garage.

What you've been told is what you're told is the disco infiltrator gone cold

When I was at the music festival a couple weekends ago, I bought some neon trinkets for my kids. A necklace for Tortellini, and some light wands for Togers and Mr. M. I'll freely admit that I had no self-control and played around with the light wands the night I bought them. They were really cool. You could set them to a specific color, or could have it flash through the spectrum of colors. Luckily, I didn't drain the batteries before I sent them off.

My ex-wife called me to tell me how much the kids liked their trinkets. She said Tortellini loved the necklace (which was a little surprising to both me and my ex. After all, teenagers aren't exactly easy to please - there was a good chance Tortellini would've thought the necklace was lame. I'm glad she didn't).

Luckily, the light wands are resilient in the face of abuse. The woman that sold them to me showed me how hard you could hit it on the table and still have it work. She didn't say anything about water resistance, but that came in handy too as Mr. M. immediately filled his up with water to see what that looked like.

The boys turned off all the lights in the house and were swinging them around and my ex cracked a joke about how it looked like something you could take to a rave.

Togers: Yeah, I know. Dad bought them for us at a rave.

Ex-Wife: No, your dad wasn't at a rave. He bought them at a music festival. There's a big difference. Your dad doesn't go to raves.

I'm glad she set him straight. The last thing I need is Togers going around to his friends and telling them (and their parents) that his dad lives in Vegas, goes to raves and buys him cool hippie trinkets there.