It starts out easy, something simple, something sleazy

Yesterday a bunch of us had to go to a CPR and First Aid training for work. It wasn't a very good class. I learned a few things, but most of it was stuff I already knew, but at least now I'm going to certified. To administer CPR to adults that is, they didn't go over anything for children, apparently that wasn't covered in the cost (and come to think of it, I'm not quite sure what was covered in the cost since we skipped over so much stuff, in fact, this post is going to be worse off because I couldn't keep the booklet and scan in some of the photos that I had jokes about*).

I don't think our instructor was very happy with us. Apparently nobody had bothered to warn her that she was going to be teaching CPR to a bunch of immature jackasses who didn't really want to be there in the first place (as if being immature jackasses alone wasn't going to be enough to make it a long day for her).

It started right off the bat when one of my friends walked in, saw the instruction booklet titled Adult CPR, and said, "Good, that means we get the nudie ones."

She began talking about how a lot of things have changed with what the Red Cross recommends, and so anyone who had been trained previously would see a few differences. Then she went into the ABCs of CPR. She said that A is for airway, B is for breathing, and then before she got to C, I asked my friend, "What's C for? Cunnilingus?"

He replied, "I don't know. Maybe. They've changed it."

She talked about how you have to receive permission from a person before you begin trying to help them out, but that there were circumstances where that was not possible, such as someone who is unconscious when you find them. She told us that when someone is unconscious, that gives you implied consent. At that point, my friend got a hopeful look on his face, implying that it would be good if that held for any situation.

She also talked about what to do in case of an emergency situation. First, you have to check the scene to make sure it's safe. Once you've done that you call 911 (or instruct someone else to do so), and then you give care to the person in need. After going through all the steps, we had to practice them on the dummies, and she was very adamant about making sure that we followed the steps correctly.

Three of us were practicing on our dummy, and when it was my friend's turn to start he said, "Dude, I'm checking the scene, and this scene is fucked up!"

The other guy said, "Yeah, there's a fire over here, a midget over there . . ."

There were a lot of other funny things, but I can't remember them right now, plus, I'm sure you're tired of reading anyway. You'll be happy to know that we all got certified, and will be getting our cards in the mail shortly. You still probably don't want to stop breathing around us though, because I'm pretty sure that none of us are really capable of bringing you back.

*There was a picture in the booklet showing what someone would look like if they were having a stroke. I'm sure it's hard to simulate long enough to have someone take a picture, but the guy totally looked like a zombie. He had his arms stretched out and everything. I made a comment about how you really wouldn't want to administer CPR to a zombie because he'd probably just eat your brain, and then you'd become one too. This prompted an entire discussion about whether it was even possible to resuscitate the living dead. We never came to a conclusion on that one.