Some will die in hot pursuit in fiery auto crashes, some will die in hot pursuit while sifting through my ashes

Me: Just so you know, I'll be leaving town on Monday.

Sister-In-Law: For a long time? Where are you going?

Me: Going to Jackson Hole for some meetings. I'll be back on Thursday night, unless I can talk my boss into staying an extra day and going to Yellowstone.

Niece: Don't go to Yellowstone. It's going to explode.

Me: That'd be a pretty cool way to die.

Niece: If you die, can I have all your valuables?

Me: Uh, I don't have any.

Don't go 'round when the Devil's loose

A few weeks ago I went to my brother's house for a Sunday dinner. While there, he and I started talking about how we should go try to fish.

Brother: Is it okay if I go fishing with [Minnow] tonight?

Sister-in-Law: You can do whatever you want. I don't care.

Me: Alright!!! Let's go expose ourselves to female joggers along the river trail!

So please, let me be lonely tonight

Yesterday I had lunch at a Mexican restaurant we frequent, and had the following conversation with the owner when I went to place my order.

Him: Where's that girl that came in with you last time?

Me: I don't know. I'm sure she's around somewhere.

Him: Why don't you two date? She's single. You're divorced.

Me: She's too good for me.

Him: That's what you want.

Me: Nah. I want a bad girl.

Him: So take her and wreck her.


Maybe the man has some sound advice after all.

Good enough for now

Me: That kid was kind of being a little bitch.

Brother: I know. HIs older brother is the same way. He was here tonight too.

Me: Was that the guy with the five o'clock shadow?

Brother: It was a full beard, but yeah.

Me: Oh. I guess I didn't really pay that much attention to him. I spent more time checking out his girl.

Brother: She wasn't that cute.

Me: I know. But she was here.

You're older than you've ever been, and now you're even older, and now you're older still

Post Office Clerk: How far away is [Town Where My Parents Live]?

Me: Oh, about four hours.

Post Office Clerk: Four hours? Why are you even sending these gifts? Just drive them up there. That way you get to see your family too.

Me: That's what I should do, but I just don't think it's going to happen this year.

Post Office Clerk: Why not?

Me: A number of reasons. Time contraints. Money. Also, my daughter doesn't want to leave because her boyfriend is coming to town for a visit and she feels like she needs to see him while he's here.

Post Office Clerk: Man, you don't look old enough to have a daughter with a boyfriend.

Me: I'm not.

Wish I was much more masculine maybe then I could learn to swim

Girl: You should come swimming with me. It will help you lose that belly.

Me: I'd be too embarrassed to swim in that pool because everyone there knows what they're doing, and I don't, so my form is really bad.

Girl: Why? Do you swim with your head out of the water?

Me: No. Well, I guess I do sometimes when I breathe.

Girl: You're supposed to barely lift your head to the side, like this. [Gives demonstration]

Me: I know that, but don't always do it.

Girl: Well, I work with kids, so if you come with me I can help you with your form.

Guy (chiming in): And my wife works with retards, so between the two of them, they should have you pretty much covered.

How was I supposed to know?

Mr M: [Togers], we got the U-Haul today, and it is BIG.

Togers: I bet it is.

Mr M: It is really, really big.

Togers: I know, but what else did you do today?

Mr M: No, [Togers], it's bigger than a snake.


So there you have it. A moving truck is officially bigger than a snake. Who knew?

Happy hours, golden showers, on a cruise to freak you out

I'm house-sitting for a couple that I'm friends with this week while they're playing in the snow at Lake Tahoe. I'm jealous. They told me I should come up for a few days, and I'd like to, but I can't travel that far anyway. Before they left they had me come over so they could show me where everything was, how to change the cats' litter box, etc. As they were showing me around, we had the following conversation:

Her: [One of Three Cats] likes to go with you when you go to the bathroom. He likes to watch. But he doesn't like golden showers, so don't even think about it.

Me: Gross. I wouldn't. Even if it was a really hot girl who wanted me to, I wouldn't do that.

Her: Not even for a million dollars?

Me: Oh, for a million dollars I would. I'd do anything for a million dollars.

Her: What if it was for a jellyfish sting?

Me: Then I probably would, but that's different.

Him: What does that mean?

Me: What? A jellyfish sting?

Him: Yeah. I don't know what that means.

Me: We're talking about an actual jellyfish sting. It's not a euphemism for anything.

I'm guessing that means I throw out euphemisms a little too often since he automatically assumes that's what I'm talking about. However, with the jellyfish sting, I'm thinking it could work as one. Just give me a little time to think about it.

If I press my breasts together and arch my back just so, I can ask for pretty things and they will not say no

A few nights ago I went to hang out with a few friends. One of them brought along a girl who I'd never met before. Luckily, she turned out to be cool as demonstrated by the following conversation:

Friend: You've got some glitter on your face.
Girl: I do? How did that happen?
Friend: I don't know. Have you been hanging out with any strippers lately?
Me: I think she got it from motorboating a stripper.
Girl: I don't think strippers have glitter between their breasts.
Me: Are you kidding? I'm pretty sure that strippers have glitter everywhere.
Friend: It's true! Everyone knows that! There's even glitter in a stripper's duodenum.

(You know you're in a room full of biology geeks when that joke has everyone falling out of their chairs.)

I've got to say, when it comes to glitter, it looks as though Demetri Martin was right (watch until the end):

Sense of security, like pockets jingling, midlife crisis

Me: I had my mid-life crisis early. It happened when I was 24 years old. Does that mean I get to have another one?

Guy: No. That just means you're going to die early.

Me: There's nothing I can do about it?

Guy: Nothing.

Me: Well, I have a friend who started going through what she called a quarter-life crisis at 23.

Guy: Then she'll live to be 92.

Me: So, if I'd called mine a quarter-life crisis, I'd live to be 96?

Guy: Yes. But you didn't. You said mid-life.

Me: I can't go back and retroactively change it to a quarter life crisis?

Guy: Nope. You're screwed. Dead at 48.

Me: That sucks.

Helplessly fucked in the ass by a legion of forty ex-cons*

I went to an emo bar with two of my friends Friday night (before the DUI incident). One of my friends used to go there regularly, so he knew a few people and introduced us.

Shortly after our introduction:

Girl: How do you guys know [Friend 1]?
Friend 1: Internet chat room.
Girl: Really?
Me: Yeah - preoptrannies.com.
Girl: No. Seriously, how did you meet him?
Me: Ok, so it wasn't that one, but it really was a chat room.
Girl: Are you serious?
Me: Yeah, it was through meet an inmate. He was my pen pal while I was in prison.
Girl: Really?

Meeting new people can be so much fun.

Later in the evening:

Friend 1: Man, I'm feeling real negative. All I want to do is talk shit about everyone. It must be because I'm around [Minnow].
Friend 2 (to me): Do you talk a lot of shit?
Me: Who, me? Well, not about everybody. Well, ok, almost everybody.
Friend 2: What do you say about me?
Me: I can't tell you that.
Friend 2: No, I'm serious.
Me: You really want to know?
Friend 2: Yeah.
Me: Ok. I think the only thing I've ever said about you is that I'm glad you like to show off your cleavage because it's so nice.
Friend 2 (blushing): Really?
Friend 1: Yeah. Especially in that green dress you had on the other day. The first time I saw you wear it I wanted to bang you.
Friend 2: . . .

At the beginning of the evening Friend 1 mentioned that his goal for the night was to do or say something that would make it onto my blog. Mission Accomplished.




* I've wanted to work this Oingo Boingo lyric into a title for a long time. You have no idea how delighted I am to finally have a post that kind of fit.

Raise my glass 'cause either way I'm dead

Bartender: What can I get for you?

Me: Could I just get a cranberry juice?

Bartender: Sure, no problem.

Friend: Would you like some balls with that?

Here's the thing that's so much more depressing than the infidelity itself

Last night I was listening to Pedro the Lion. A friend of mine gave me the album Control shortly after my ex-wife and I separated. Back then it suited my mood just about perfectly with its lyrics about infidelity, jealousy, revenge, etc.

Below are a few examples that I can think of off the top of my head (listed by song):

Rapture: This is how we multiply, pity that it's not my wife. The friction and skin, the trembling sigh. This is how our bodies move with everything that we can lose. Pushing us deeper still the sheets and the sweat, the seed and the spill. The bitter pill yet undiscovered. Gideon is in the drawer, clothes scattered on the floor. She's arching her back, she screams for more.

Penetration: If it isn't penetration then it isn't worth the kiss.

Rehearsal: You know I always said that I would kill you if I ever caught you stepping out. But now I see I did not know the half of what hatred and revenge were all about. Darlin' you are so unoriginal, each move more obvious than the one before it. I guess I could be bigger but I'd rather make you pay.

Second Best: Second best. Second best. I guess I can live with it. After all what's wrong with second best?

Priests and Paramedics: The neighbors heard a fight. Someone had a knife. It must have been the wife. Husband's lost a lot of blood, wakes up screaming, "Oh my God! Am I gonna die? Am I gonna die?" As they strap his arms down to his side. In times like these they've been taught to lie, "Buddy, just calm down you'll be alright."

I could go on, but I think you get my point.

Pedro the Lion is one of the few bands of which I own a t-shirt.



A different friend of mine bought it for me once he realized that I liked the band. I wear the shirt occasionally, and usually someone will ask about it. One day I was talking to him while I was wearing it when a girl asked me about it.

Her: Who's Pedro the Lion.
Me: It's the name of a band.
Her: Really? I've never heard of them.
My Friend: Oh, that's because [Minnow] and I are the only people in the world who have been able to listen to an entire album without killing ourselves.

The band broke up early last year, but the lead singer (and main artist behind it all), David Bazan, is still doing solo work. He's good, in case you're interested in some music that may or may not make you want to kill yourself.

You have to decide: Tits, or destiny?

I really don't have a lead in to this conversation I had with a friend yesterday, it's already obvious enough as it is. Nevertheless, I still thought I'd share:

Me: You mean the girl with nice breasts.
Him: Does she have nice breasts?
Me: I don't know, I've never met her. That's just how she was described to me.
Him: But she's older though, and married.
Me: Doesn't matter, I can still look.
Him: Looking's not fun anymore.
Me: What are you talking about? Looking never gets old. I mean sure, it's not as fun as grabbing but . . .
Him: That's what I meant.

Just then a rather attractive girl walked by.

Him: Here, let's do a test. You look and I'll grab.

It's nice to know that I am not alone as I gradually turn into a dirty old man.

When I was young I had a lust for knives and guns

I had a really nice Christmas. I got to see all my siblings and spend a few days with my kids. On Christmas Day my kids got spoiled (again), and people gave me a whole lot more than I deserve. Especially my sister and her husband. I'm going to come up with a way to thank them, but until then, she'll just have to read on here how grateful I am for everything (thanks sis!).

I feel bad for my mom though. She kept asking me and asking me to give her a wishlist, but I put it off so long that she had to go out and buy my stuff without any guidance from me whatsoever. The stuff she got me is cool, but I'll probably never use some of it so I'm still debating whether I should keep everything, or exchange the things I won't use. I hate to seem ungrateful, but I'm leaning toward the latter (keep those receipts handy until I let you know otherwise Mom).

The first item that I'll probably return is a hooded sweatshirt that she bought me. I like it, but the simple fact of the matter is I rarely wear sweatshirts. Plus, I got another one from my sister and I'm not likely to put them both to good use. I like the one my sister got me a little better because it has a zipper and can be worn like a jacket, unlike the pull-over that my mom gave me. Also, the one my sister gave me is plain, whereas the one my mom gave me is full of double entendre. On the back is a picture of a brown trout with the words 'Early Morning Rise' and on the front are the words 'Live by the Rod, Die by the Rod.' I know that if I keep it I'll be hearing comments like, "You know how I know you're gay?" every time I wear it.

(It's basically the same reason that I had to exchange her birthday present to me a few years ago when I got a t-shirt that had a rainbow trout with the caption 'Rainbow Warrior')

The other present that I can't make up my mind about is two AirSoft BB guns, colored pellets and targets to shoot them at. Apparently these things are quite popular right now, and it does seem like it could be fun, but it also seems like something that I'd use exactly once and then put in a drawer until I die, or until I give it away, whichever comes first.

Given such a difficult decision, I decided to ask Flieswithoutwings for his opinion.

Me: What would you do if you got AirSoft BB guns for Christmas? Would you keep them or take them back?
Him: I'd probably just give them to a kid or something.
Me: Yeah, but I don't think I could give them to my son.
Him: How old is he? It seems like I was about his age when I got one.
Me: He's ten. I didn't get my BB gun until I was 12.
Him: Me too. But I felt old. I knew kids that had them when we were younger than that. But they were kind of punks and would go around chopping up dead cats and stuff.
His Wife: Um, wouldn't that be incentive NOT to give them to your son when he's ten?

Robot Parade

I have a fairly recent Christmas tradition of crashing flieswithoutwings' Christmas Eve plans and bugging him and his wife while they try to get their kids in bed and put presents out. I try to get out of their hair early on Christmas morning 1) so they can open their presents in peace, and 2) because I have my own kids to watch tear into their presents.

Two years ago it didn't work out all that smoothly because I started the car to get the heater going, then walked back inside to get the rest of my stuff only to return to the car and find my doors locked with the motor on. They stopped unwrapping presents until we found a locksmith that was open and could come out and break into my car for me. It forced my kids to wait an extra hour or so before they could open anything, and I think the suspense just about killed them. Probably the worst part of that story is that I paid the guy his $60 fee, and didn't even think to include a tip until he was two blocks away. I still feel badly about that.

I have to say that I'm very grateful to Flieswithoutwings and his wife for letting me sleep there as it prevents me from having to sleep on my ex-wife's couch. She and I get along well and all, but I've done it before and it feels pretty strange. Anyway, this year I even ended up extending my stay with Mr. and Mrs. Flieswithoutwings for an extra day (after my kids had gone to bed on Christmas night).

When I woke up this morning I got to see all the toys his kids got for Christmas. There were some pretty cool ones to say the least. Toys that my kids would probably wish I had seen while I was shopping, but I guess there's always next year. One that his oldest got was a robot mask with a voice changer. He seemed to like it quite a bit as it was one of the few toys I actually saw him playing with. As he was wearing it and talking, Flieswithoutwings told him to say "Never underestimate the power of the mole people." He did.

Me: Can I teach him to say bite my shiny metal ass?
Flieswithoutwings: Probably not. But you could probably get away with kiss my surprisingly firm butt.

Not one to be easily dissuaded, I tried again later:

Me: How about if I teach him to say 'Fine, I'll go build my own theme park. With blackjack. And hookers. In fact, forget the theme park.'
Flieswithoutwings: Is that another Bender quote?
Me: It most certainly is.
Flieswithoutwings: Well, it could have just been from the guy who first settled Las Vegas.

I don't know why he was worried about what I might teach his son. Later, when his son and I were the only two in the room, I overheard him pretending to talk to someone (in his robot voice of course) and threaten to kick them in the nuts.

Kielbasa sausage your butt cheeks is warm

When I woke up this morning everyone in the house was already awake. My parents were on their way to church, but before they left the house my dad pulled a small container out of the refrigerator and showed it to me.

Him: If you're hungry, just take a few of these sausage links and throw them in the microwave. Thirty seconds and they'll be perfect (obviously he doesn't know that I'd put them in for 33).

Me: Ok, I probably will in a little bit. I'm not really that hungry right now.

Him: Well, you should feel good. I don't normally show my sausage to people.

Me: And for that we all thank you.

36-24-36?

Sorry to inundate you with all the funny things that my youngest has been saying, but that's the way it goes when I'm visiting my parents and I've got my kids.

Hey, it's a small town. Nothing else happens.

When I picked my kids up the other day, my four year old enlightened me with the following information:

Him: Dad, Mom's got boobs.
Me: Yes she does.
Him: [My sister]'s got boobs too.
Me: I know.
Him: I just have little mipples, see?

(that's not a typo)

They could not take your pride

Last night I went shopping for my Halloween costume. You might think it's a little late in the game for that, but you have no idea, I didn't even come up with a costume until yesterday afternoon. The costume idea is AWESOME (at least I think so). Unfortunately, I don't have enough time to do it right, so I just have to make do with what I can get on short notice.

I had to go to the Goodwill Superstore near my house to see if I could find some of the most critical parts, and while I was there I had to call my friend so that he could look up some details for me. I want to get this right. He was able to tell me what I needed, and then another friend of mine called (yes, I was that guy, you know, the one who walks around the thrift store talking on his cell phone the entire time). I was excited to tell him about my costume, and told him where I was trying to find the different pieces to it.

Me: I'm at the Goodwill Store.
Him: I bet that smells good.
Me: I know. I hate coming into places like this because they always stink. I may be poor, but at least I bathe.

See?! I'm not the only one in the world who associates thrift stores with the poor people smell.

Anyway, I wasn't able to get the exact costume, but as my first friend pointed out "If you and I don't remember the details of this, nobody else is going to be able to either."

My second friend pointed out that in order to get it completely right I'd probably have to go to some specialty store. But I don't want to spend a lot of money, nor do I have any more time, so I'll just stick with what I got last night.

What's the costume you ask? You'll just have to wait and see. Depending on how well it turns out I may post pictures.

I'd stay alert, and dress to kill, I might even slip you something

My roommate told me a few weeks ago that his ex-wife was going to be coming into town so that she could visit their son for a couple of weeks. He wanted to make sure that it was ok with me before he told her she could because she's going to be staying at the house (he's going to go stay with some friends, he just didn't want to make her pay for a hotel room for two weeks).

He said that it would be toward the end of October, but that was the last I heard about it. The other night I asked his son if his mom was still coming to visit.

Me: Is your mom still coming? Your dad said it would be the end of the month, and it's the end of the month now, so I was just wondering.
Him: Yeah, but I don't know when. She's supposed to call and let me know.
Me: Good. I can't wait to put the moves on her.
Him: You're an asshole.
Me: You can't talk to me like that, I could be your new step dad.

A little while later I was getting my dinner out of the microwave (Wolfgang Puck's clam chowder - mmmmm) and decided to keep it going:

Me: Seriously, is your mom hot?
Him: Arrrgh. I don't know. She's pretty, but she's my mom.
Me: Good. She's pretty. That's all I need to know. She already has a kid so I know she puts out.
Him: You asshole. You know she's going through a divorce.
Me: I know. That's why she's going to need someone who can take her mind off things.
Him: . . .

Then, last night, we were watching t.v. and a commercial for Bailey's Irish Creme came on.

Me: I can't wait until your mom gets here and I can get her drunk.
Him (trying to get back at me): I can't wait until your daughter comes next time, so I can try and get her drunk.
Me: She's only twelve, so that makes you a pedophile. I guess it's true what they say about you after all.

Sometimes it can be so fun to be a jerk.