Candy, candy, candy oh I love you so

This is something that I posted a few years ago, but someone reminded me of it yesterday, and I think it's funny enough to warrant re-posting. But first, here's a relevant picture that always makes me laugh.



I decided a long time ago that I would make the world's worst pedophile. Why? Because I'd eat all the candy, and wouldn't have anything left to lure the kids into the van.

When I told that to a friend he added another reason: Even if I got a kid into the van, I'd probably just sit there and wait for the kid to make the first move.

At the time, my friend said, "I can picture this perfectly. [Minnow] sitting in a van, a kid in the passenger's seat, [Minnow] sitting there thinking, 'Come on, touch my hand. Please touch my hand.'"

Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort

A little while ago Togers updated his facebook status: What would you do if I joined a gang? Became Straight Edge? Joined a band? Got five inch gauges? These are all very important questions.

Being the good father that I am, I commented that I would kick his butt if he did any of those other than join a band.

Then he asked, "What if it was a Straight Edge band?"

Then his mom chimed in:
Way to stick it to the man dumb butt. Why dont you start wearing a cross and saying hail marys too? Oh, I've got one! How about this? Maybe you should not worry bout living up to any kind of standard and just live your pathetic life? How about that? Or do you need to be a part of some kind of group to feel special? Oh. Ok, then I support you! :)

She followed that up with a second comment: And by pathetic I mean really, really, really pathetic :)

The next time I talked to Togers on the phone, I told him that I thought his mom's comments were hilarious. He did too. Then I said, "You should tell your mom to be careful though. We both know she was joking, but someone else could see that and think she was cyberbullying you. They prosecute people for that. Like that lady they tried for cyberbullying that girl who ended up killing herself. In fact, you know what you could do if you really wanted to get your mom in trouble? You could totally slit your wrists tonight and leave a note saying it was because of her comments."

He laughed and said, "Yeah. But I probably wouldn't even need to leave anything about cyberbullying in the note. I'm pretty sure I could ruin her day just by trying to kill myself."

"Yeah, you're probably right. It'd ruin my day too. So, as your father, let me go ahead and say this: If you kill yourself tonight I'm totally going to kick your butt."

I've been thinking some of suicide, but there's bars out here for miles

Friend 1: What are you going to do after you graduate?

Me: I don't know. Maybe I'll just off myself.

Friend 2: Why wait until then?

Friend 1: Because he wants his obituary to read right. He's got to make sure it says Dr. [Minnow].