That's the way it should be

Things I did last weekend to try and get over being "subdued."

Hiked to a waterfall. No, I didn't propose to anyone there. This time.

Drove to Bear Lake and spent some time on the beach, followed by a raspberry shake before heading back home.

Went on a very hot, very dusty hike to Lake Blanche. Might have done some damage to my knee along the way, but it was still worth it.

Went and looked at dinosaur bones. Didn't see my own there, so I guess I'm doing alright after all.

And of course, I self-medicated with candy. Lots and lots of candy.

No, you can't have any.

I'm a man, a man of simple pleasures, I got all I need . . .

The other day I received a picture text from a girl:

I responded with: I'll be right over.

I'm only sharing this in case you were wondering what sexting with me would be like.

Going going, back back, to Cali Cali

I spent last weekend in California visiting some friends. Saturday morning they left the house early to pick up bagels for breakfast. When we'd finished eating those, one of my friends pulled what looked like a candy bar out of the bag.

She asked, "Do you like halva?"

I said, "I've never had it."

She asked, "Well, do you like peanut butter?"

"Yeah."

Her husband chimed in. "Well, that's good, because it's not peanut butter."

She retorted, "Well, no, it's not. BUT, it has a peanut butter attitude."

If you dare

What's worse than returning to the office to 130 unanswered emails?

Returning to the office to find this propped up in your office chair:





Does anyone want a sucker shaped like a penis? It's still wrapped.

Candy, candy, candy oh I love you so

This is something that I posted a few years ago, but someone reminded me of it yesterday, and I think it's funny enough to warrant re-posting. But first, here's a relevant picture that always makes me laugh.



I decided a long time ago that I would make the world's worst pedophile. Why? Because I'd eat all the candy, and wouldn't have anything left to lure the kids into the van.

When I told that to a friend he added another reason: Even if I got a kid into the van, I'd probably just sit there and wait for the kid to make the first move.

At the time, my friend said, "I can picture this perfectly. [Minnow] sitting in a van, a kid in the passenger's seat, [Minnow] sitting there thinking, 'Come on, touch my hand. Please touch my hand.'"

Take a chance on me

I called my ex-wife yesterday to wish her a happy Mother's Day. As we talked she said she had to tell me some of the funny stuff Mr. M's been saying lately. I particularly liked this one about playing it safe.

Ex-Wife: Mr. M, is it safe to go with strangers if they ask you to go with them?
Mr. M: No. Not if he has a knife.
Ex-Wife: Well, what if he didn't have a knife but had candy instead?
Mr. M: Candy? Yeah, that's safe.


He must take after his dad.

When you're fallin' behind in this big blue world

Last night, a little after 9:00, my phone rang.

Me: Hello?

Girl: Hi. Are you busy right now?

Me: That depends. If by busy you mean lying on the couch, checking myspace and eating Swedish fish, then yeah, I'm totally swamped.

It's so cold in this house, open mouth swallowing us

As I mentioned before, I'm house-sitting this week. My friends told me to use anything I needed while I was here. My head nearly exploded when I found a huge bag of candy.

So I sent a text message:

Me: Uh oh. I just saw that candy stash. I don't know if I have enough self control for there to be any left when you get home.

Him: Dig in. [Wife]'s butt will be grateful.

Her: Thanks for saving my ass. I don't need to be eating it, but I can't bring myself to throw it out. Could you throw that much candy away?

Me: There's no way I could do that!

Her: I know! So eat it. That way I know it's not being wasted.

I don't need to be eating it either. Especially since I weigh more than I ever have before, but I'm not going to let that stop me.

Every highway that I go down seems to be longer than the last one I knew about

Got a minute? Good! Have a seat and I'll share a few random thoughts and observations I had while I was on my trip:

• I am amazed by the number of drivers that obey the speed limit.
• This is either the cheapest or most expensive hotel room I've ever had. I'm not sure which.
• I don't know how anyone can afford to drive an SUV. That said, anybody who wants to gain my undying affection can buy me a Toyota Highlander and they will have it.
• Pretty much the only thing I saw while driving across southern Idaho was volcanic rock, sagebrush and potatoes, thus lending support to Maddox's claim.
• Even if it is your name, you should try to come up with a better company slogan than "R. C. Worst Co. - Expect the Best from Worst."
• Does anyone stop and read historical markers along highways? Didn't think so.
• Blow up doll + Rope + Road sign = Hilarious!
• Sandpoint, ID was very disappointing this time through.*
• It is extremely difficult to convert kilometers to miles in your head. Luckily, I had a built in conversion table. (This was probably the first time I've ever paid attention to the little numbers on the speedometer.)
• For a country that uses the metric system, there are sure a lot of places in British Columbia that are named using the English system (e.g., 16 mile lake, 70 mile roadhouse, etc.).
• British Columbia has a lot of hitchhikers on its highways, but all of them are dudes. That's probably because any attractive female hitchhikers get picked up immediately.
• Signs on public restrooms are a bit more graphic in British Columbia than they are in Las Vegas. This seriously cracked me up (enough that I walked several hundred yards to the vehicle and back, just so I could take the picture):

• Enough bugs on a windshield can look like a deer on the side of the road.
• Enough rain can wash all the bugs off a windshield without the driver having to do a single thing.
• I don't get to drive down roads like this often enough:
  
• August 11 is too early to be driving through snow!
• Seriously, what are Canadian geese doing in Canada?
• Ryan Adams' new album Easy Tiger isn't as bad as I initially thought.
• It must be some kind of rule that if you're Mennonite you have to drive a navy blue colored vehicle.
• It's easy to win a cheesy fingers contest when you've got the whole bag of Cheetos to yourself.
• The time to start wondering whether your rental vehicle has all the components necessary to change a tire is not right after you've blown a tire on a remote, unmaintained Forest Service road, in bear country, at dusk.**
• The most optimal place for a road closed sign is NOT 85 km down a road that is only 87 km long. Especially when that road is a remote, unmaintained Forest Service road in bear country.
• Vancouver is my new favorite city, but it's not easy to navigate solo. (I'm sure the fact that I missed my exit had absolutely nothing to do with the blonde woman driving next to me in a sporty little red car.)
• A bag of Riesen's candies should last longer than twenty minutes, but doesn't.
• Canadian customs officials are all nice.*** United States customs officials are assholes.
• I would marry Aimee Mann for her voice.
• After going nine days without a shower, you still feel clean as a whistle after only going three.
• Stinging nettle really does sting!
• There is absolutely no reason for any public restroom to still be using bar soap, and even less reason for there to be pubic hair stuck to a bar of soap in a public restroom! (I'm talking to you gas station in Redding, CA.)
• Does anyone ever use the O/D Off button?
• I may need a lesson in stopping to smell the roses because I was seven miles from Crater Lake and didn't drive there to have a look.
• If you get pulled over for speeding while on an Indian reservation, will the penalty include scalping?
• The universe may have been trying to tell me something when I drove through Whiskeytown while listening to Whiskeytown (purely by coincidence).
• I'm not sure there's anything in the world that tickles as much as a bug flying up your nose.
• I'm thinking about changing study organisms to a species of fish that's a lot easier to catch, and tastes a lot better too: (The best part about this picture is that you can see how fast I'm going while one hand is filled with Swedish fish and the other is snapping a picture of it. I'm such a safe driver!)
• This song makes me a little teary eyed every time I hear it.
• I may have single handedly kept the bottled water industry afloat (bonus points to anyone who can spot the two bottles of flavored beverages I drank on the trip).
  
• I have peed in enough forest that, according to the rules of the animal kingdom, the southern half of British Columbia is now mine.
• I don't wake up in places that look like this anywhere near often enough!

*The first time I drove through Sandpoint, there were women in bikinis on every street corner. That's not an exaggeration. This time through? Not a single one.

** After fixing the tire, I drove about two miles down the road and saw a bear.

*** Even with their beady eyes and flapping heads.

Did I ask too much? More than a lot.

I'm introducing a new rule: From this point forward, people can only advertise any change from normal for six months, after which they will have to draw upon something else to gain business. I'm saying this because yesterday I bought a 3 Musketeers bar, and one end of the label advertised "45% less fat" in big red lettering. Now, I'm pretty sure they've been advertising that they have 45% less fat for about ten years now. Am I to believe that each time I see a 3 Musketeers bar there is 45% less fat in that one than the last one I saw? Has the amount of fat in a 3 Musketeers bar been steadily decreasing* for the past decade? No! It's time for them to come up with something new. If they can't do that, then maybe their product isn't all that great and they should take it off the market.

This rule applies to all the bars/restaurants in the Las Vegas area as well. You see, around here you'll see banners that read "Voted Best of Las Vegas" almost everywhere you go. Any businesses that have received the "award" place a banner somewhere to advertise that fact. However, there is never any mention of the year in which the "award" was given. Moreover, if you pay attention, almost every single bar and restaurant has such a banner. How is that possible? Is every business in town the best? I'm certain that some of them could only have received the award a decade or so ago**, like maybe when they were brand new, or when there were no competitors. At all. Yet here they still are, trying to capitalize on their one brief moment of glory. I'm sorry, but if you haven't been able to regain the title of "Best in Las Vegas" for the past ten years, you no longer get to advertise that you were voted "Best in Las Vegas." Period.

This new rule is effective immediately. Those who are found in non-compliance will be forced to pay a fine of $1000, which can be deposited directly into my bank account. Thank you in advance.




* like some kind of fatty half-life?
** or maybe even before there was a city here.

I've hiked and hiked and wandered too, but I ain't seen any candy

I told one of my friends the reasons why I'd never be able to pull off pedophilia. Like most people, he thought it was funny because it's true. Yesterday he got this picture in an email and immediately thought of me. I'm flattered.

I don't know where the picture* originally came from, so I can't give credit where it's due, but it looks like something that would come from this site. At any rate, it made me laugh really hard.

The scary thing is, I'd probably take the chance.

I mean, hey, how many chances do have to get free** candy?




*but I totally need to get a van like that

**excluding Halloween

The whole wide world is at it again showing me how it feels good to bleed

A week or so ago I was with a friend while she was trying to find a birthday card to send her father. I did some other shopping (mostly for candy) while she was looking at cards, and then joined her at the card rack. Standing there, I saw a section that I hadn't ever noticed before. A section labeled Goodbye Cards. I picked one up, read it, and started smiling.

Her: What are you smiling at?
Me: Oh nothing. This card just made me think of something.
Her: What?
Me: I shouldn't say.
Her: Well you can't do that. Now that you've brought it up you have to tell me.
Me: Ok, but you asked. I was just thinking that it would be so much worse for someone's loved ones if they wrote their suicide note on a Hallmark card. Talk about adding insult to injury.
Her: That's bad, you shouldn't be thinking about stuff like that.

To be continued . . .

(if I feel like it)

Well I can tell you for the money the simple life honey is good

When I got out of bed this morning, my roommate was standing right outside my bedroom door folding laundry. It startled me to walk out of my room and almost bump into him because I wasn't expecting him to be standing there.

Him: I'm sorry. Was I being too loud?
Me: No. I just didn't realize you were out here because I didn't hear you at all.
Him: Well, I had to be quiet so as not to disturb the princess.

I'm sure his comment had nothing to do with this:



One of my friends gave it to me last night along with a couple bags of candy (my friends know me so well).

By the way, thank you all for the birthday wishes yesterday.

Would you like some sweeties little girl? Come a little closer.

Me: You know why I wouldn't make a good pedophile?

Friend: Why's that?

Me: Because I'd end up eating all the candy and wouldn't have anything left over to bribe the kids with.

Friend: You know what else would make you bad?

Me: What?

Friend: You'd get them into the van and then sit and wait for them to make the first move.

So what if it is genetic?

Female Friend: I'm going to be cutting back on the amount of sugar I eat.

Me (sarcastically): Why, because you're so fat?

Female Friend: Because it's just not healthy.

Me: I should cut back, but I'm not that worried about it, at least not until I end up with Adult Onset (Type II) Diabetes. I guess that's likely considering the amount of sugar I eat.

Male Friend: I don't know. I think they're saying that's all bullshit. It's not just about how much sugar you eat, it's more about having a bad diet in general. It messes with your blood chemistry.

Me: I heard once that it's about a certain ratio. You know, once you pass a certain girth for your height you become susceptible.

Female Friend: Really?

Me: I think so. I knew a guy who got scared because he knew someone else who got it, and that's what that guy's doctor said, so the guy I knew went on a diet and lost a bunch of weight.

Male Friend: It's all about the spare tire. I'm getting a good start on mine.

Me: Yeah, me too.

Female Friend: Not me. All I've got is the fuckin' female pooch. God damn uterus or some shit.

Spoken like a true lady.

How can I convince you it's me I don't like?

Yesterday was a long day for me. I went to a symposium put on by many of my fellow grad students, and afterward had a couple of parties to go to. The first party was a going away party of sorts for a friend of mine. He's not actually moving until January, but he's leaving in a couple of days to get married, and won't get back into town until a lot of people have already left for Christmas. The second one was a birthday party for a friend of mine. There seem to be a lot of those these days.

Of course, each of these events had a lot of food that was just begging to be consumed. And who am I to turn down food that is begging to be consumed? If there's one thing that graduate students everywhere have in common, it's that we take full advantage of free food whenever it's available. I ended up eating about twice as much food as I would normally eat in a day, maybe even more, and as a result I began to feel a wave a nausea. It hit me at the birthday party while I was talking to the birthday girl:

Me: I've eaten so much tonight that I feel like I'm going to puke*.
Her: Are you serious?
Me: Yeah, I'm bulemic.
Her: I can't really see you as a bulemic.
Me: What, are you saying I'm fat?




*I puked

Bouncing here and there and everywhere

I meant to write this post about a month and a half ago, but somehow it just didn't happen. I was reminded of it today when I read my friend's post about giving his kids a better childhood than he had. He's certainly had to make some sacrifices in order to do this, and I admire him for it. Had I been willing to make some of the same sacrifices, I might still be living with my kids.

One of the things that is a given at his house is that there are always sweets. I love it, and I'm sure his children do as well. It'll probably be one of the things they look back on fondly when reminiscing about their childhood. I love it because, let's face it, I'm a sugar-holic, and I'm bound to get my sugar fix when I'm visiting him without having to leave his house to drive to the store for it.

The last time I stayed with him I heard him call to his wife from the kitchen:

Him: Hey, you only cleaned up the part of the fridge that you could see.
Her: I can't help it if I'm short.

I went in to see what they were talking about and saw this:















Apparently she had been trying to put some things away when the big bag of Gummy Bears ripped and spilled all over the kitchen. She was trying to keep the kids from picking them up off the floor and eating them and didn't realize they had spilled on the top of the refrigerator when she was cleaning it all up.

It was probably one of those moments that you had to witness to know how funny it was. It was funny to the three of us even if it wasn't funny the way I presented it here. Deal with it.

Candy Candy Candy I can't let you go

Is it just me, or have things gotten a little out of hand on the candy front? Every time I'm at a drugstore or a gas station it seems as if there's a new candy bar variety. Ok, so it seems to be highly concentrated in the candy that comes to us from Hershey, Pennsylvania, but still.

I believe it began quite some time ago when Hershey's first introduced their cookies 'n creme candy bar (or maybe it was the mint - I can't remember which came first). But things have escalated recently with the introduction of Hershey's caramel, extra dark, strawberries 'n creme, raspberries 'n creme, and almonds 'n toffee. All of which have gained the Native Minnow nod of approval (with the exception of extra dark, I haven't tried that one yet).

They have introduced almost all of these changes to Kit Kat bars as well. You can now get Kit Kat bars in milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, chocolate fudge, strawberries 'n creme and orange creme (I'd stay away from the orange creme if I were you - consider yourself warned).

The changes to Reese's seemed to be more stepwise. They started off nicely with the introduction of the Reese's Big Cup, which quickly became one of my favorite candy bars. Around the same time they introduced the white chocolate Reese's, which is ok, but nowhere near as good as the regular old milk chocolate one. After the success of those two, they decided to get all kinds of crazy and introduce the inside out version, where the peanut butter was on the outside and the chocolate was on the inside. That one didn't seem to be as popular, and I haven't seen it for quite some time. Maybe that's because it wasn't very good. Next came Reese's with caramel, which is actually decent, but it's still no Big Cup. But the last one is where they crossed the line. If you ever see a Reese's with marshmallow at the candy counter stay away. I repeat, STAY AWAY! You know it's bad when I won't eat another one, because I will eat just about anything that has sugar in it (black licorice, or anything else with that flavor, being the lone exception).

Someone should tell the good people of Hershey, PA that there actually can be too much of a good thing. I understand their plan of trying to dominate the candy aisle with sheer numbers of choices (take a look next time you're at the store, I guarantee you'll see a good portion of the space filled with Reese's orange), but when you're constantly throwing it in my face I'm going to be more likely to go for something else. Perhaps a nice Milky Way instead?

I used to burn candles at both ends, now I just throw the whole damn thing right in*

My comprehensive exam is coming up in about a month. I've been incredibly stressed out about it, and have been trying to read as much as possible between now and then, in addition to writing a decent grant proposal. I feel like I've made a lot of progress toward being ready, but I also realize that I have a long way to go before I'm there.

That being said, I took Sunday completely off. I realized sometime last week that I haven't taken a full day off since July 4. There's something inherently wrong when one goes five weeks without taking a bit of a break, and feels guilty about only putting in 7 or 8 hours a day on weekends during that time. I didn't do much, just watched a few movies, spent an hour or so at the pool, then had dinner with a friend, but I think it might have worked as far as feeling rejuvenated. I came in yesterday and was able to plow my way through 230 pages of population genetics, and comprehend almost everything. Of course, I did have a headache by the end of the day, but that's to be expected. It's nothing a few Tylenol and a 10 o'clock bedtime couldn't get rid of.

But now break time is over. I suppose I should get back to working my way through some more reading.

*This post has been brought to you by The Wallflowers, 4 Hershey's kisses, 2 Rolos and a Reese's peanut butter cup.

It's a 7-11. Do you wanna take a walk outside?

A friend of mine's vehicle is in the shop, so I picked him up this morning to give him a ride to work. I'm cool like that. On the way in he asked if we could stop by 7-11 to get some chocolate milk. Being the lover of sweets that I am, he didn't have to ask twice.

We stopped and got our goodies, and as we were getting back into the car I looked down and saw an empty Trojan box in the parking lot. Now, I'm a huge advocate of safe sex, but I've never been in such a hurry that I've had to unwrap the condom in the parking lot of the store where I bought it. Seriously, can't it wait?

Maybe this person was mistaken in the kind of protection he was purchasing, but I don't think it was enough to save him if he got into a car accident after that.