I can feel it rollin' right on down, right on down my throat

Is it just me, or do I have some serious inconsistencies in my diet?

Mouth full of black string

Reasons not to eat lunch in Deadwood, SD:

- You might get shot.

- There's a good chance you'll be called a vulgar name.

- There really aren't many places to eat, so you might have to stop at Taco John's.

- You may find a bunch of dead moths* in the box containing your "dessert" item, but not until you're halfway finished eating it.






*There were about 30 of them. I nearly puked.

Let's hear it for guys like me

Son (5 yr old): Dad, will you make me a quesadilla?
Me: Sure.

I pull the tortillas and some shredded cheese out of the refrigerator.

Son: No. Not that kind of cheese. I don't like that kind of cheese.
Me: Well, what kind of cheese do you like?
Son: Square cheese.

You know, because it all tastes so much different when it's melted.

Me: You guys don't have any square cheese.
Son: You could put ice cream on it.
Me: Nice try.
Son: Can I just eat a plain one?
Me: Do you mean just a tortilla with nothing on it?
Son: Yeah.
Me: Sure.

Looks like someone's gone on the Native Minnow diet.

Please pass the milk please

The other day my sister called me up and informed me that she and her husband wanted to go on the Native Minnow diet. I told her that it might not be a good idea as it seems I'm getting softer and softer around the mid-section. Not to be deterred, she proceeded to ask the following:

Q: When you make burritos how many do you eat? Are they big or small?
A: Two. Medium sized.

Q: What do you usually eat for breakfast?
A: Nothing.

Q: What do you usually eat for lunch?
A: I normally go out for lunch and order the veggie options on the menu (or at least low fat).

Anyway, I thought I'd help her out a little more than that by listing what I've had for dinner the past few days:

• Baby carrots and hummus + pancakes
• Scrambled egg beaters + a halibut fillet + chips and salsa
• Clam chowder + gourmet hot chocolate
• Chicken and broccoli linguine + oatmeal w/ brown sugar

You see, the key to the Native Minnow diet is to find things that absolutely do NOT go together and combine them into one meal. It will probably agree with your stomach more if you eat them at different times. For example, eat the carrots and hummus before you decide to fix yourself pancakes. Of course, the degree that the food is mismatched gets proportionally worse the longer one puts off a trip to the supermarket (I finally broke down and went shopping last night).