So please, let me be lonely tonight

Yesterday I had lunch at a Mexican restaurant we frequent, and had the following conversation with the owner when I went to place my order.

Him: Where's that girl that came in with you last time?

Me: I don't know. I'm sure she's around somewhere.

Him: Why don't you two date? She's single. You're divorced.

Me: She's too good for me.

Him: That's what you want.

Me: Nah. I want a bad girl.

Him: So take her and wreck her.


Maybe the man has some sound advice after all.

This is the mountain, this is the lightning, this is the man pulling on his iron chain

Me: The manager was cute.

Friend: Yeah she was.

Me: She also had a big old wedding ring on her finger.

Friend: She did? I didn't notice that. Too bad for her. She's missing out on all of this. [Motions to self with hands]

Me: Not necessarily. Rings come off.

Friend: She can leave it on for all I care. She didn't get it from me.

Waiting for Superman

If you've ever wondered how my kids and I entertain ourselves while waiting for overpriced pizza to come to our table (and you know you have), it's by pondering the important questions of life, such as these:

Who would win in a fistfight, The Incredible Hulk, or The Thing?

Who has a firmer handshake, Ice Man or the Human Torch (from Fantastic Four)?

Who would win in a staring contest, Cyclops or Magneto?

Who would make the best ice cream sundae, Ice Man or Wonder Woman?

Who would win in a Derek Zoolander style walk-off, Wonder Woman or Spider Man?

Who would be the bigger alcoholic, Batman or the Incredible Hulk?

Who would be most likely to cry after being dumped, Spiderman or Aquaman?

Who has hooked up with more guys, Lois Lane or Mary Jane Watson?

Who will be the first to come out of the closet, Robin or the Wonder Twins?

Let me see you stripped down to the bone

I encountered some former students at lunch today. They invited me to come sit down with them. In the process of catching up with them I asked one about her dental school applications.

Her: I only applied to five schools, but I should be able to get into one of them.

Me: I'm sure you will. You're smart enough. You should be fine.

Her: I'd better get in. I don't really have a back up plan, so if I don't get accepted I'll have to start stripping somewhere.

Me: Well, if that ends up happening let me know. I'll come buy a dance from you.

Her Friend: Maybe you could just tuck some dollar bills into her g-string.

Me: Either way works for me.

She don't eat meat but she sure likes the bone

Last week I had lunch with a girl I haven't seen since we hung out at the European style (top optional) pool at Wynn Resorts.

Somehow, during the course of the meal the topic of conversation turned to cholesterol. I'm pretty sure it was her that brought it up, not me.

Her: I don't eat a lot of meat.

Me: I've really cut back over the last few years.

What I wanted to say: That's not what I heard. Ooooohhhhhh.

And you didn't think I had an internal filter.

Do you know the muffin man?

After I had just finished eating a cookie for dessert at lunch yesterday:

Friend: Eat that last muffin.

Me: I can't.

Friend: It's yours. Eat it.

Me: Can't.

Friend: You can't let it go to waste. Eat it.

Me: I can't. I'm too full. Besides, it'll ruin my chocolate chip cookie mouth.

Friend: That might be the gayest thing you've ever said.

The weird divide

I'm looking at the clock, and it's 12:12. I'm still in bed. I have a cold that won't go away, so I figured I'd sleep all morning long and see if that helped. It might have. I may sleep all afternoon just to be sure though.

But that's beside the point*. I bring it up because it reminded me of lunch the other day. When my friend and I had finished, our server brought the bill.

Friend: Hmm. Our bill came to $24.24.

Me: That's interesting. Let's just have him split it.

Friend: Ok.

Me: You take the first twenty-four, and I'll take the second.

Friend: . . .












*Unless the point was to try and get sympathy. Which it might have been. Come on. Give it up.

Some have to fight, forced onto sides, heroes will rise

Today at lunch a group of people left a huge mess on the table next to us. All but one of them left the restaurant, and the girl working the counter had to come out and clean up the mess. As she did so, one member of the group came back inside.

Guy (in the most pretentious voice you can imagine): Ma'am, I would like to apologize for the mess, but I'd also like you to know that I wasn't the only one that left it. Those other people I was with, they fled the scene, but they were guilty. I just wanted to record to show that I was not solely responsible for the mess you're having to clean up. I'd also like to apologize for leaving my bag right here in your way [he reaches down near her feet, picks up a computer bag and almost knocks her over with it], let me get that. Again, I apologize for the mess. Even though it wasn't me.

During his monologue, I got up to grab some more napkins, then sat back down at our table.

My Friend: Oh. I was kind of hoping you were getting up to go punch that guy in the face.

Me: I was kind of hoping that too.

I wonder if you'll love me tonight

Finally! A fortune cookie worth the paper it's printed on.



I guess I need to get home early so I can change the sheets.

We gonna crash into the sun

Lately I've been getting a lot more sun than normal. I also haven't been as good about putting on sun block as I normally am. I didn't think it was anything to be concerned about because I haven't been getting sunburned. However, today I looked at my arm and noticed several new freckles. I instantly doubted my cavalier attitude toward sunblock application. After all, isn't the appearance of new spots on your skin one of the first signs of melanoma?

Upon further inspection (read: I licked my finger and rubbed the spots), I realized they were not freckles at all, but soy sauce that apparently splashed on my arm when I dropped my nigiri at lunch today.

Whew! Crisis averted.

Mouth full of black string

Reasons not to eat lunch in Deadwood, SD:

- You might get shot.

- There's a good chance you'll be called a vulgar name.

- There really aren't many places to eat, so you might have to stop at Taco John's.

- You may find a bunch of dead moths* in the box containing your "dessert" item, but not until you're halfway finished eating it.






*There were about 30 of them. I nearly puked.

I'd like to rest my heavy head tonight on a bed of California stars

Me: Too bad. That lady's sitting with her back to us. I was hoping she'd sit down facing us so I could stare at her boobs.

Friend: Were they nice?

Me: Yeah. Fake, but nice.

Friend: But her face wasn't all that great, was it?

Me: No, but that's ok. I wasn't planning on looking at her face.

But everybody's changing and I don't feel the same

It's time for me to reconsider my stance on sushi. I've always sworn I couldn't stand to eat the stuff. I gave sushi a chance, but when I still didn't like it after my third attempt at eating it, I figured it was because it really was gross. Ever since then, I've just been sticking with California and/or veggie rolls when I go with friends to a sushi place.

Several of my friends have been telling me for quite some time that the reason I don't like sushi is because I've never had good sushi, but I've remained skeptical. Until last Saturday. I told one of my friends that I'd go with him for an all you can eat sushi lunch. I figured I could try some of the "good" sushi, and if I still didn't like it, could fill up on stuff I knew I could handle. I told him to order two of what he'd normally get and I'd try it. If I didn't like it, he could finish it off. That turned out not to be a problem. I liked pretty much everything.

My friend asked me what I thought, so I told him.

"This lunch has made me reconsider my stance on sushi. It was pretty good. I guess you guys were right in saying that I didn't like it because I'd never tried good sushi. But, the first time I ever ate a salmon roll, it was all I could do to get it down without throwing up. I was determined to do it, but I was gagging the entire time."

He replied, "Well, it's a lot like the first time you sucked a dick. But then you got used to it after a while, and now you're making some money."

No matter how it ends, no matter how it starts

There's a deli near campus where the food is good, and there are complimentary mini muffins to go along with your meal, and complimentary ice cream for dessert. Free food is always a good thing for poor graduate students, so my friends and I eat there frequently. We have a system where the first person through the line is responsible for picking a table and getting a small plate full of mini muffins. Of course, since we are regulars, most of the employees recognize us, and there are a few that usually engage us in idle chit-chat when we're placing an order or paying at the register.

One lady in particular likes to talk to me. My friend swears that she's flirting with me, but I don't like to hear that. It's not that she's ugly, it's just that, well, ok, she's ugly. When my friend jokes about she and I getting it on, I usually try to deny that she flirts with me. However, he says that she never acts like she even recognizes him, let alone talks to him, even though the two of us are together pretty much every time we go there.

Yesterday I got the impression that he might be right.

Her: Hey you, I haven't seen you in a LONG time!
Me: We've been coming in, but haven't seen you around at all.
Her: I've been working different shifts lately.
Me: I guess that would explain it then, wouldn't it?

(Now seems like a pertinent time to point out that I was wearing a They Might Be Giants t-shirt)

Her (looking at my shirt): So, what's your favorite song of theirs?
Me (thinking funny you should ask that since I just blogged about it the other day, but not saying that): I'm going to have to go with Ana Ng.
Her: Mine is Particle Man. I just love the . . .

(She goes on to mumble something but I wasn't paying attention because all I could think about was my friend standing behind me in line laughing his head off)

Her: Well, can I get anything else for you, Troublemaker?
Me: Just the potato.

I went and sat down in a booth while my friend paid. He sat down and said, "Do I need to go get some muffins, or did you already take care of that, Troublemaker."

Me: All I know is that if she keeps that shit up, we're going to have to start eating elsewhere.

Mr. Ambulance Driver

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to become cranky when you've got an empty stomach? Sure you have. I mean, one third of the children in sub-Saharan Africa are malnourished, and just look at how cranky people are in that part of the world.

However, this phenomenon does not occur only in third world countries but also here in the good old U. S. of A. For example, the other day a friend and I were on our way to lunch and we ended up stopped in traffic even though the light ahead of us was green. I wondered aloud why the idiots in front of me weren't moving. Then I heard sirens and saw an ambulance enter the intersection in front of us. This prompted my friend to grumble, "Stupid ambulance. I wonder if they realize that the word ambulance comes from the latin ambulare which means to walk. They should walk their asses to the hospital so I don't have to wait any longer for lunch."

My sentiments exactly!

So I'm drinkin' drinkin' drinkin' drinkin' Coca Coca Cola

I celebrated Independence Day by writing a final exam. I'm not sure this one's hard enough to make people cry, but we'll see. Around lunch time my friend sent me a text message asking if I wanted to join him for lunch. I said yes, and we met up at a deli we frequent.

Usually I try to go with the healthier choices on the menu, but since it was a holiday and all, I figured I'd get something different: a pulled pork sandwich.

Friend: Wow. That's not something you'd normally get.
Me: I know, but I saw someone with it the last time we came here and I thought it looked good.
Friend: It does look good, but it's not very healthy.
Me: Well, it is the 4th of July. I'm celebrating America by celebrating obesity.

If your future is now you can forget the past

Me (opening fortune cookie): Well, it's about time!

Male Friend: Does that have anything to do with this?

Well you talked about nothing which was more than I wanted to know

My friend and I made a detour on the way back from lunch yesterday so that I could pick up the new Modest Mouse cd. I grabbed the cd and proceeded to the check out line as my friend followed me.

Cashier: Are you two together?

Friend: Well, we're not together. We're just enjoying a nice shopping experience together.

Cashier (very embarrassed): I wasn't trying to say you were gay.

I wanted to say something to him about how it's ok, we don't have to hide anymore, at least not here because nobody knows us, but as he said when I told him that later, "You don't want to put me into a position where I'm going to say something really humiliating."

I've only listened to the cd once so far, but it's definitely got one of those catchy songs that I end up playing over and over again (4 times on the way to work this morning). The lyrics are even optimistic (for those of you who say I listen to depressing music).

Here are a few examples of the optimism:

- Well it would've been, could've been worse than you would ever know.
- Oh, the dashboard melted but we still had the radio.
- Oh, the windshield was broken but I love the fresh air you know.
- Well the car was on blocks but I was already where I want.

Note: If you'd like to hear the song, I believe it plays automatically when you click the link to the band at the beginning of this post, or you could just play the clip below.

Hey Ladies, Get Funky

In the ongoing series of strange things that occur on my lunch break, I have two more things to share. Are they good things? Funny things? Will they change your life? No. But I'm in a hurry.

Yesterday we went to a Chinese Buffet. I wasn't quite sure that I wasn't dreaming though because they had Hey Ladies by the Beastie Boys playing over the loudspeaker. How many of you can say you've gone out for Chinese and listened to the Beastie Boys while you ate? It was more like I was at home, except that I'd never take the effort to fix Chinese food at home.

I could tell that it was a REAL Chinese place because a girl at the table next to me was eating her ice cream cone with chopsticks.

People are strange.

Middle school was enough for me, all I need to know how to do is count money

In honor of the new semester I'm giving you a pop quiz. There are two questions, one dealing with etiquette, and one dealing with proper parenting. Good luck!

1. True or False. When you're at lunch and the manager brings you your food and asks "How about some strawberries with your spinach veggie wrap?" The correct response is, "How about you shut the hell up and get your ass out of here?"

2. True or False. When you have your two year old child at the deli, and he's playing with the sign that has your order number on it so that the employees can bring your food to your table, an appropriate thing to say to your son is, "If you hit me in the face with that number I will punch you in your little baby balls."