Well it's been a good time trying to have a good time and for a time it seemed to be okay

I had dinner Tuesday night with the girl I took to the Travis concert. A few of my friends told me it was crucial that I make a move, or else I'd be relegated to friend status forever.

I didn't make a move*.

The next day I told my friend, "I didn't even try to kiss her goodnight. Now she probably thinks I'm gay."

He said, "I'm starting to think you are too. Maybe it's time to face facts."











*I blame the homeless** woman for coming up and begging for change right as I walked her to her car.

**Nothing ruins a moment quite like the homeless.

Twenty-three ki's just sittin' in the back seat I can make the best man weak

Me: [Friend 1] and I are checking out the new [Irish Pub] if you're interested in joining us tonight.

Friend 2: Thank you for the invitation but I'm working until 4 a.m. You get stuck with these shifts once in a while.

Me: [Friend 1] wants to know if you've got any hook-ups. You know, like an eight ball or something.

Friend 2: Ha! I can hook you up with clubs, not drugs.

Me: He says to work some magic.

Friend 2: Drive up and down Trop . . . Oh no, wait, that's for hookers. Hit up a limo or taxi driver. They've got the goods.

Me: I'm sure they do. I wouldn't know what to do with any of that stuff anyway. Neither would [Friend 1]

Friend 2: Duh! You put it in your ass.

Me: I think you're mistaking me for your ex-girlfriend.

Well I'm standing alone at the corner, I've got nothin' but you on my mind

It should come as no surprise that I'm a procrastinator. Yesterday when I was putting off going to the lab to do some work I came across an article on MSN that listed things you should never do in front of a woman. I was curious to see how many of those things I did so I clicked the link. You'll be happy to know that there was only one thing on the list that I do (forget to carry cash). However, don't be fooled into thinking that was because I know what I'm doing when it comes to women. Rather, it's because the list was full of incredibly stupid things.

I read the list and thought, "Are you serious? You're telling me I shouldn't polish my high school trophies (that are still on display), or play Wii, or go on and on about how my mother is my best friend? Really? Thanks MSN. You've been so helpful!"

Then it occurred to me that while everything that was listed should have been common sense, there might be guys out there who don't realize any of that stuff could (and should) send a girl running. Sure, those guys are complete idiots, but complete idiots need love too. So, to help the complete idiots out, I've come up with my own list of things you should never do in front of a woman. The things on this list should be common sense as well, but you never know.

Native Minnow's dating advice
When you're with a woman* you should never . . .
. . . do jumping jacks.
. . . apply hemorrhoid cream.
. . . shoot heroin.
. . . cook human flesh.
. . . choke a midget.
. . . watch bestiality porn.
. . . shave your balls.
. . . have sex with the neighborhood crack whore.
. . . kick a homeless man.
. . . spit on a retarded person.
. . . expose yourself to a small child.
. . . let the dog (or cat) lick peanut butter off your schlong.
. . . kidnap somebody**.
. . . direct a snuff film.
. . . shit your pants.


I hope the list helps.





*Unless you're married, in which case you no longer need to impress her, so feel free to do any of these.

**Or write a ransom note for someone you've already kidnapped.