The statue got me high

If Hollywood has taught us anything, it's that you need to be aware of the following if you ever find yourself exploring ancient ruins:

- Don't touch the statues as moving their arms will more often than not open a trap door.

- Simply stepping over a skeleton is a sure way to end up in the same position (as long as you're not the main character).

- Poison darts always shoot into your neck when you least expect it.

- Ancient ghosts have nothing better to do than hang around for centuries hoping someone will come by that they can haunt.

- Bad guys will always show up within fifteen minutes of your arrival, thus making your exit difficult.

- Hidden treasures are always booby trapped*.

- A girl will always make out with you after you've absconded with the treasure.









*Heh, heh, I said booby.

I'd rather dance than talk with you

This morning I forgot about two things:

1) The tunnel I drive through on the way to my office is under more construction than usual.

2) Classes start today.

The combination of these two facts meant that traffic was a bajillion times heavier than it's been all summer. Yes, a bajillion.

As I sat inching my car along, I had more time to notice some things. Like the license plate frame on the car in front of me that read "I'd rather be swimming." I can understand wanting to be just about anywhere other than driving in heavy traffic, but I was a little surprised that people still put those frames around their license plates. I was also a little surprised that no matter what, this person would rather be swimming. Driving to the airport for a tropical vacation? No thanks, I'd rather be swimming. Making out in the back seat of the car? No thanks, I'd rather be swimming. Then, as I pulled into the parking lot on campus, I noticed a friend's truck had one that read, "I'd rather be playing baseball."

So I learned two things on my way to campus: Some complete stranger likes swimming. A friend of mine likes baseball.

The problem with those license plate frames, though, is that there are some people who can't be completely honest with what they'd rather be doing because of social stigmas. I came up with a few, for those people. Hey, I'm here to help.

I'd rather be . . .

. . . watching porn.

. . . skinning squirrels.

. . . cooking methamphetamine.

. . . sacrificing virgins.

. . . punching retards.

. . . date raping your sister.

. . . burning a cross in your yard.

. . . choking a hooker.

Feel free to put your favorite one around your license plate.

It's midnight at the starlite diner

Restaurants where you wouldn't want to eat if they in fact existed:

- Guantanamo's Fine Dining

- Sum Yung Dong All You Can Eat Korean

- Hitler's Steakhouse

- Girls Next Door Sushi

- Pizza Face's Pizza Parlor

Oh boy, find out what's up with me

Here are several statements that may or may not be true about things I've done in my life. Treat it like a True/False test and see how well you perform.

1. I offered to give a guy ten dollars if he ate a perch that had been preserved in formaldehyde. Even though he did, and then had to get his stomach pumped at the hospital, I never paid up.

2. Went joyriding with a friend when he wrecked the car that we'd "borrowed", and even though the owners knew I was involved, they never said anything to my parents.

3. I married a seventeen year old girl.

4. Once accepted $100 to take a girl on a date. The money covered "operating costs" and a little extra for my trouble.

5. Went on a collecting trip, but forgot to pack the drugs I use to euthanize fish. I ended up "euthanizing" a few mountain whitefish by bashing their heads against some rocks along the river bank.

6. I once got into a scuffle with a drunk referee after a basketball game.

7. I induced a rainbow trout to spooge all over my arm. (A failed attempt at human/fish hybridization?)

8. I was the unknowing mastermind of a criminal ring in my time working for a certain shipping company whose colors are brown and brown.

I'll only ever be a middle distance runner

Thoughts on treadmills (that I had while jogging on a treadmill):

- Treadmills are incredibly boring, but are a good way to ensure that you run the distance you're supposed to at the rate you're supposed to.
- Twenty minutes is a long time to spend on a treadmill.
- It's unrealistic to expect to be able to raise the speed by 1 1/2 miles per hour and then last the same amount of time as you could before.
- Nothing makes you want to endure to the end of twenty minutes on a treadmill than an attractive girl running on the treadmill next to you, even if you've sped it up.
- Nothing makes you want to give up and quit early more than the guy who's running twice as fast as you for twice as long.
- Ok, so maybe the attractive girl stopping and going elsewhere might also make you want to quit early.
- If you're talking on the phone while on a treadmill, you're obviously too attached to it.
- Nobody should wear a trucker hat while running on a treadmill.
- If your time on a treadmill alternates between you running forward and then running backward, then you are retarded.

This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S

Songs that wouldn't have been as popular if they were sung in morse code:

- Message in a Bottle - The Police
- Y.M.C.A. - Village People
- O.P.P. - Naughty By Nature
- Holla Back Girl - Gwen Stefani
- Glamorous - Fergie
- Method of Modern Love - Hall & Oates
- S-E-X-X-Y - They Might Be Giants

You say I like what you say, I like what you say

Now it's time for some sage words of wisdom from Native Minnow.

I always say. . .

. . . never miss a good opportunity to shut your mouth. Especially if you're someone who annoys me.

. . . that sometimes it's just easier to go out and buy new socks than it is to do laundry.

. . . it is better to have loved and lost than to live with a lunatic for the rest of your life.

. . . there's no such thing as "too sweet."

. . . nobody likes to be called crazy, especially crazy people.

. . . a cloaca's a cloaca.

. . . of all the places not to be seen, a small penis convention ranks pretty highly.

. . . it's better to go on vacation than on a shooting spree.

. . . a monarchy is always the best form of government, when you're the monarch.

You'd have a wonderful day if you could see how lucky you are

Yesterday I got my haircut. I arrived at the scheduled time, but my stylist was running behind schedule. He apologized and told me it was still going to be a half hour before he could get to me. I told him I was going to go sit in the car and listen to music, and to come get me when he was ready. As I sat there, I started reading through the material inside one of my CD cases and saw a list of things that made the band's fans consider themselves lucky.

So, I compiled a list of my own.

I am lucky . . .
. . . to have a family that loves me.
. . . to have three amazing children.
. . . to have received a good education.
. . . to have great friends.
. . . to have good health (for the most part).
. . . to have a roof over my head, running water, electricity, my own transportation, etc.
. . . to have a love of music.
. . . to have a full head of hair (even if it is rapidly turning gray).
. . . that my research has taken me to so many beautiful places, and will tell a good story when I'm ready to tell it.
. . . that I never voted for Bush (so his colossal fuck ups aren't my fault).
. . . to be alive.

But perhaps most of all, I'm lucky to have gotten lucky!

Well I'm standing alone at the corner, I've got nothin' but you on my mind

It should come as no surprise that I'm a procrastinator. Yesterday when I was putting off going to the lab to do some work I came across an article on MSN that listed things you should never do in front of a woman. I was curious to see how many of those things I did so I clicked the link. You'll be happy to know that there was only one thing on the list that I do (forget to carry cash). However, don't be fooled into thinking that was because I know what I'm doing when it comes to women. Rather, it's because the list was full of incredibly stupid things.

I read the list and thought, "Are you serious? You're telling me I shouldn't polish my high school trophies (that are still on display), or play Wii, or go on and on about how my mother is my best friend? Really? Thanks MSN. You've been so helpful!"

Then it occurred to me that while everything that was listed should have been common sense, there might be guys out there who don't realize any of that stuff could (and should) send a girl running. Sure, those guys are complete idiots, but complete idiots need love too. So, to help the complete idiots out, I've come up with my own list of things you should never do in front of a woman. The things on this list should be common sense as well, but you never know.

Native Minnow's dating advice
When you're with a woman* you should never . . .
. . . do jumping jacks.
. . . apply hemorrhoid cream.
. . . shoot heroin.
. . . cook human flesh.
. . . choke a midget.
. . . watch bestiality porn.
. . . shave your balls.
. . . have sex with the neighborhood crack whore.
. . . kick a homeless man.
. . . spit on a retarded person.
. . . expose yourself to a small child.
. . . let the dog (or cat) lick peanut butter off your schlong.
. . . kidnap somebody**.
. . . direct a snuff film.
. . . shit your pants.


I hope the list helps.





*Unless you're married, in which case you no longer need to impress her, so feel free to do any of these.

**Or write a ransom note for someone you've already kidnapped.

In the third quarter of a tied game rivalry

Since I did nothing today other than shop and watch the Super Bowl, I've really got nothing to say. However, I'm not going to let that stop me. I thought I'd do a running diary of Super Bowl XLII. Read on if you wish, but I can't say I blame you if you decide not to. On with the diary:

3:20 Jordan Sparks sings the national anthem. American Idol still sucks, but I have to admit, the girl's got a good set of pipes. Her voice ain't bad either.

3:25 The team captains take the field for the coin toss. It looks like a street fight could break out. Either that, or a new rendition of Michael Jackson's Bad.

3:27 The New York Giants win the coin toss and will receive.

3:28 I've already seen more ads for House than I care to. It could be a long night.

3:31 Bill Belichick is wearing a red sweatshirt instead of his normal gray one with the sleeves cut off. He must have wanted to dress up for the Super Bowl. It's very becoming.

3:41 The Giants are marching down the field, but all I can think about is what those green dots on the back of the players' helmets are for. I've wondered this all season, but have been too lazy to actually look it up.

3:45 The Giants are the first ones on the board with a field goal. NY 3, NE 0

3:53 There's a myspace page with all the Super Bowl commercials on it. I think we just reached an all new low as a society.

3:56 One of the announcers (I can never tell if it's Jason Buck or Troy Aikman that's talking unless the camera's right on them) talks about Tom Brady's ankle and says that even though he's not experiencing pain, when he goes to plant it, it "might affect the deep throw." My friend calls out from the kitchen, "It might affect the deep throat?" See? It's not just me that's a perv.

3:59 I just noticed that the Patriots form their huddle at a 90 degree angle to the way we formed ours in high school. It never crossed my mind before that different teams might huddle up differently. I'll have to look and see how other NFL teams do this.

4:01 Just because you're able to do things using CGI doesn't mean you should. I'm talking to you, creators of the fox robot.

4:03 Lawrence Maroney just scored a touchdown to put the Patriots in the lead. He's good. NE 7, NY 3

4:07 The first commercial to make me laugh deals with giant carrier pigeons that are wreaking havoc on the streets. Maybe I'll have to visit that myspace page after all.

4:10 Eli Manning completes one of the luckiest passes I've seen in a while: 38 yards to Amani Toomer (It's not a tumor).

4:14 As if to balance out the luck, Eli Manning just threw his first interception of the post season. It couldn't have come at a more inopportune time as the Giants were threatening to score. This could be a huge momentum shift.

4:17 My friend just tells me a story about the time she met a midget dominatrix. Then she tells me it didn't really happen. I've never been so disappointed.

4:19 The second noteworthy commercial airs, and I just have to say, a family of ferocious sleeping badgers is a great premise for a commercial.

4:34 I have to say, the Giants are controlling the ball much better than I (or anybody else) thought they would.

4:40 A new T-Mobile commercial with Dwyane Wade and Charles Barkley. Chuck cracks me up.

4:55 The first half ends with a hail Mary pass that falls incomplete. This game has been exciting so far.

4:57 Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers are performing the half time show. Since there's no chance of a nipple slip (or if there is, I don't really need to see it) I suppose I'll into the kitchen to eat some chicken that's so good it "has trouble making it onto the plate" according to my friend.

5:05 Wow that chicken was good. She wasn't lying. The gravy was good too. My friend said we had the "perfect storm of gravy" and all I could think of was a giant brown wave getting ready to crash over a fishing boat. Now that's something we should get the CGI guys working on.

5:09 I'm amazed at how young Tom Petty still looks.

5:19 I must be getting fat because I just realized that my balls get pinched in my pants more often than they used to.

5:19 Is there any more gravy?

5:52 A trailer for the movie Jumper starring Darth Vader comes on. I state that the movie looks like it sucks. My friend states that teleportation is the one super power she'd want over all others. That's just because she's inherently lazy.

5:56 Yes, there's still a game on. Tom Brady just narrowly avoided being sacked for a safety. I'm impressed with the Giants' defense.

5:59 Wes Welker comes up with a huge catch. I can't help but wonder how well the Eagles would do if they would ever get some half decent receivers.

6:01 Tom Brady is starting to look a little shaken up. That's not something I'm used to seeing.

6:02 End of the third quarter. If you'd have offered a bet that the score would be that low after three, I'd have taken it and laughed at you. I may have even kicked you in the balls for good measure. Good thing you didn't offer me that bet.

6:11 I just remembered to look at the Giants' huddle. What do you know? It's the same as the way we did ours in high school. I guess different teams do huddle up differently.

6:11 Touchdown Giants. NY 10, NE 7

6:22 An e-trade commercial with a talking baby makes me laugh. The baby is talking about how he made eight times the average trader and says "thought about what to do with all the extra coin. I rented a clown. But, you know, I really underestimated the creepiness."

That reminds me of a joke I once heard: There was a clown who went to a kid's birthday party, and while he was going around entertaining all the kids, he felt a tug on his sleeve. He looked down and there was a little boy who asked him to do a magic trick. He says, "Look kid, I'm a clown. I don't do magic. Here, have a balloon animal instead." He then goes on about his business. A short while later he feels another tug on his sleeve. He looks down, and it's the same kid, asking him to do a magic trick. "Look kid, I already told you once, I'm a clown, I don't do magic. Now beat it." The kid goes away, but not for long. The clown feels another tug on his sleeve, and the kid asks him again to do a magic trick. Frustrated, the clown says, "Ok fine. You want to see a magic trick? Go around to the other side of the house and I'll come show you a magic trick." The kid gets all excited and goes. Once they're around back the clown says, "Alright, now turn around and pull down your pants." The kid obeys. The clown says, "There, do you feel my thumb up your ass?" The kid nods. The clown sticks both hands out with his thumbs in the air and yells, "TA DA."

Think about it.

6:33 New England's offense is finally starting to click.

6:39 Tom Brady to Randy Moss. Touchdown. (see, I told you it was starting to click) NE 14, NY 10

6:45 I want to meet the girl from the Victoria's Secret commercial. (And by "meet" I mean "make out with.")

6:52 Excellent play by the Giants. Great catch by David Tyree. New York has the ball at New England's 24 with 59 seconds left. This game is close!

6:56 Eli Manning lobs it to Plaxico Burress for a touchdown. New York regains the lead. NY 17, NE 14

I suppose now would be an appropriate time for me to thank Plaxico for carrying my fantasy football team for so long, even though he couldn't practice and played injured all year long. Who knows? I probably would have won the whole thing if he'd been healthy. (Ok, that's probably taking it a bit too far, but whatever.)

7:04 The crowd storms the field with 0:01 left on the clock. The officials have to clear off the field so that the Giants can take a knee and run out the clock. New York wins. Un-freaking-believable. So much for New England's perfect season. Wow! Just, wow! I never thought I'd see the day that Eli Manning won a Super Bowl, let alone be named MVP.

7:12 I always feel bad for the players on the losing team. I don't know why I care. They wouldn't feel bad for me. Oh well. I suppose the Patriots had a good run with a historical season and all that, but wow. I guess we don't have to worry anymore about whether their perfect season would be tainted by "Spygate" anymore.

This was a close game. I'm glad I'm not a Pats fan. This one's going to be hard for them to recover from.

As a whole, the commercials were disappointing this year. Is it really so much to ask for more than just a few commercials that are funny? Or for more than a few with gorgeous women? Seriously people. I'm trying to be entertained here.

Remember winter gets cold in ways you always forget

A few observations I made while I was out of town for Thanksgiving:

- Rock chips in a windshield occur easily and far too often.

- It's probably too cold to stick your hand out the car window when it's 11º F, but I still encouraged my kids to have a contest to see who could do it the longest (my daugter won).

- Brand name Q-Tips are far superior to the generic kind I bought for my travel kit.

- Much like me, my daughter is willing to do gross things for money. She demonstrated this by eating a fly for $5.

- It takes a patient grandma to sit and listen to a five year old boy talk about World of Warcraft for 45 minutes.

- A CT Scan is expensive, but still worth it to ensure your daughter will keep her vision.

– An eye will heal rather quickly.

- A back won’t (old injuries never really go away).

- When you're hobbled by a back injury you have to do what your Dad tells you to do because no matter his age, he can still kick your ass when you're in that condition.

- One day of diarrhea is enough to make a sphincter raw.

- I finally understand the craze that is Guitar Hero (I can play a perfect song).

- Despite her years of cooking experience, my mother is still capable of setting herself on fire in the kitchen.

- I still don’t know how fast my car is capable of going.

- We take a lot for granted.

All wrapped up in my garage

I don't know if it's the same everywhere, but here in Vegas there are a plethora of vehicles with vanity plates on them. After seeing so many of these vanity plates, some which are intelligible and others which aren't, I've come up with a few that you probably wouldn't want on your vehicle because you probably don't want their message displayed to the world.









Then there are the ones that you definitely wouldn't want to display, especially if you're on the lam, since they would give the police a reason to pull you over.

So now you know what it means to wing it right at the top of the world

Advantages to being tall:

- I can see the band when I go to concerts, regardless of my position in the audience.

- It makes for easier rebounding while playing basketball.

- It's better to be the tall guy in the movie theater than the person sitting behind him.

- I can hold attacking midgets at bay simply by placing my hand on their head and keeping my arm stiff so that all their punches whiff.

- My eyeballs are at a good vantage point for looking at cleavage.

- I am much less likely to be carried off by very large birds of prey than really really small people.

Every highway that I go down seems to be longer than the last one I knew about

Got a minute? Good! Have a seat and I'll share a few random thoughts and observations I had while I was on my trip:

• I am amazed by the number of drivers that obey the speed limit.
• This is either the cheapest or most expensive hotel room I've ever had. I'm not sure which.
• I don't know how anyone can afford to drive an SUV. That said, anybody who wants to gain my undying affection can buy me a Toyota Highlander and they will have it.
• Pretty much the only thing I saw while driving across southern Idaho was volcanic rock, sagebrush and potatoes, thus lending support to Maddox's claim.
• Even if it is your name, you should try to come up with a better company slogan than "R. C. Worst Co. - Expect the Best from Worst."
• Does anyone stop and read historical markers along highways? Didn't think so.
• Blow up doll + Rope + Road sign = Hilarious!
• Sandpoint, ID was very disappointing this time through.*
• It is extremely difficult to convert kilometers to miles in your head. Luckily, I had a built in conversion table. (This was probably the first time I've ever paid attention to the little numbers on the speedometer.)
• For a country that uses the metric system, there are sure a lot of places in British Columbia that are named using the English system (e.g., 16 mile lake, 70 mile roadhouse, etc.).
• British Columbia has a lot of hitchhikers on its highways, but all of them are dudes. That's probably because any attractive female hitchhikers get picked up immediately.
• Signs on public restrooms are a bit more graphic in British Columbia than they are in Las Vegas. This seriously cracked me up (enough that I walked several hundred yards to the vehicle and back, just so I could take the picture):

• Enough bugs on a windshield can look like a deer on the side of the road.
• Enough rain can wash all the bugs off a windshield without the driver having to do a single thing.
• I don't get to drive down roads like this often enough:
  
• August 11 is too early to be driving through snow!
• Seriously, what are Canadian geese doing in Canada?
• Ryan Adams' new album Easy Tiger isn't as bad as I initially thought.
• It must be some kind of rule that if you're Mennonite you have to drive a navy blue colored vehicle.
• It's easy to win a cheesy fingers contest when you've got the whole bag of Cheetos to yourself.
• The time to start wondering whether your rental vehicle has all the components necessary to change a tire is not right after you've blown a tire on a remote, unmaintained Forest Service road, in bear country, at dusk.**
• The most optimal place for a road closed sign is NOT 85 km down a road that is only 87 km long. Especially when that road is a remote, unmaintained Forest Service road in bear country.
• Vancouver is my new favorite city, but it's not easy to navigate solo. (I'm sure the fact that I missed my exit had absolutely nothing to do with the blonde woman driving next to me in a sporty little red car.)
• A bag of Riesen's candies should last longer than twenty minutes, but doesn't.
• Canadian customs officials are all nice.*** United States customs officials are assholes.
• I would marry Aimee Mann for her voice.
• After going nine days without a shower, you still feel clean as a whistle after only going three.
• Stinging nettle really does sting!
• There is absolutely no reason for any public restroom to still be using bar soap, and even less reason for there to be pubic hair stuck to a bar of soap in a public restroom! (I'm talking to you gas station in Redding, CA.)
• Does anyone ever use the O/D Off button?
• I may need a lesson in stopping to smell the roses because I was seven miles from Crater Lake and didn't drive there to have a look.
• If you get pulled over for speeding while on an Indian reservation, will the penalty include scalping?
• The universe may have been trying to tell me something when I drove through Whiskeytown while listening to Whiskeytown (purely by coincidence).
• I'm not sure there's anything in the world that tickles as much as a bug flying up your nose.
• I'm thinking about changing study organisms to a species of fish that's a lot easier to catch, and tastes a lot better too: (The best part about this picture is that you can see how fast I'm going while one hand is filled with Swedish fish and the other is snapping a picture of it. I'm such a safe driver!)
• This song makes me a little teary eyed every time I hear it.
• I may have single handedly kept the bottled water industry afloat (bonus points to anyone who can spot the two bottles of flavored beverages I drank on the trip).
  
• I have peed in enough forest that, according to the rules of the animal kingdom, the southern half of British Columbia is now mine.
• I don't wake up in places that look like this anywhere near often enough!

*The first time I drove through Sandpoint, there were women in bikinis on every street corner. That's not an exaggeration. This time through? Not a single one.

** After fixing the tire, I drove about two miles down the road and saw a bear.

*** Even with their beady eyes and flapping heads.

Now you're the only one here who can tell me if it's true that you love me, and I love me

In celebration of my 550th post I've decided to list 55 random things about me. Why 55? Because I can't think of 550. Why do this for my 550th post? I've been meaning to do it for a while (starting with my 300th post, then my 400th, then my 500th, but I never paid close enough attention to where I was at until I passed those "milestones").

Honestly, this might be my 551st post, but I'm too lazy to count up all my saved drafts and subtract them from my total to find out exactly where I stand. That's right, I said saved drafts. That means that some of this mindless drivel has actually been thought about for more than twenty seconds. Hard to believe, I know.

And now, on to the list:
1. I was born on the highway
2. In the back seat of a car
3. My grandmother's car
4. I was delivered by my father
5. Under a streetlight along an on-ramp outside of Parowan, UT
6. The third streetlight to be exact
7. There's no monument there
8. Yet
9. The first thing I tasted when I came into this world was the grime on my dad's finger when he had to reach down my throat and pull something out in order for me to breathe
10. I've been trying to get the taste out ever since so I eat a lot of sweets
11. I prefer to eat cake in a bowl with milk poured over the top
12. My life pretty much revolves around fish
13. I study fish
14. I like to fish
15. But I only like to flyfish
16. Any other kind of fishing is too boring for me
17. I don't like to eat fish
18. Especially not sushi
19. I enjoy driving
20. But not when I'm hitting deer
21. I've hit five deer
22. I only killed two of them
23. One of those was a spotted fawn
24. After running over it, I dragged its body to the side of the road
25. My dad saw it there later, and correctly assumed that it was my doing
26. That was when I lived in the mountains
27. Everyone hit deer there
28. I've lived in Vegas nearly five years.
29. I still can't get used to seeing slot machines in gas stations
30. Or in grocery stores
31. Or seeing transvestites playing them at 3 a.m.
32. I cut my nails with the scissors on my Swiss Army knife key chain
33. When I don't trim my nails, I end up biting them
34. At least with my fingernails
35. Toenails? Not so much
36. I eat a lot of candy
37. I haven't been to a dentist since I moved to Vegas
38. The last two statements do not bode well for my dental health
39. I can't urinate in a crowded bathroom
40. I think it might have something to do with stage fright
41. That's also why I could never star in a porno
42. Well, that and the fact that I'd be done in less than two minutes
43. I'm pretty sure that nobody wants to watch a two minute porno
44. I've never seen a porno
45. Unless you count the stuff they were showing at the Of Montreal concert
46. You know, the gay porn
47. But I didn't exactly watch that
48. I just averted my eyes until it was safe to look toward the stage again
49. I want to get a pilot's license
50. I tell everyone I'm 6' 4"
51. I'm really only 6' 3 3/4"
52. I snore
53. I also talk in my sleep
54. Or so I've been told
55. I've been too busy snoring and talking in my sleep to notice

So there you go. You now know 55 more things about me than you needed, or wanted, to.

Don't try to tell me that power can't corrupt a person, you haven't had enough to know what it's like

I just pre-ordered a copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Like many people, I'm excited to see how it all ends. I've been thinking about it, and here are a few surprises that, if included in the story, will result in fans feeling cheated (and would possibly cause rioting in the streets, or at the very least, book burnings).

• Harry Potter awakens from a daydream and is pummeled mercilessly by schoolyard bullies for having imaginary friends and playing wizard every day during recess.
• Albus Dumbledore returns from the dead, only to be struck by lightening and killed instantly before he can triumphantly save the day.
• Police raid Gryffindor house and find the biggest meth lab in Britain. Neville Longbottom, the kingpin, gets sentenced to life in Azkaban.
• Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter fly to Massachussetts and get married. They honeymoon on Brokeback Mountain.
• Ron Weasley hands Harry over to the Death Eaters for thirty pieces of silver.
• Severus Snape reveals that he had a torrid love affair with Harry's mom. DNA testing proves that he is Harry's father.
• Harry defeats Voldemort, gets drunk with power, and becomes a tyrannical despot.
• Hermione Granger is introduced to heroin (giving new definition to the term mudblood), contracts HIV from sharing a needle, but dies from an overdose before developing AIDS.
• Harry, Ron and Hermione participate in a menage a trois. The resulting awkwardness causes them to never speak to each other again.
• Voldemort wins.

More than meets the eye

Top 10 signs that Optimus Prime is Jewish*
10. He stars in a Hollywood blockbuster.
9. Father was an armored car.
8. Manora appears on the dash every December.
7. Bag of gold stashed in the glove compartment.
6. High pitched airhorn.
5. Small gear-shift.
4. Curly smokestacks.
3. Yamulka sun roof.
2. Caught spinning a dradle with Megatron.
1. Missing a portion of his front bumper**.





* It's true. I heard a teenager say it at the pool last week.

** Ver Girl (2007).

Can you still have any famous last words when you're somebody nobody knows?

In case you needed more evidence that my thoughts take me to some pretty strange places, the other day I started thinking about what I'd like my last words to be. I mean, think about it, if someone else is with you when you die, these are the words they'll be repeating to anyone else who asks them about your final moments. Since these words will be repeated over and over again (if you're not famous, or even well liked, you could probably get rid of the second 'over'), they are not something that should be taken lightly.

There are tough guys, like Doc Holliday, who simply go out saying, "This is funny." However, I'm not particularly tough, nor am I very brave, so I can't follow along in the footsteps of Doc, or any of these other guys (those who were involved in revolutions usually have the best ones).

Nathan Hale: "I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country"
Charles Darwin: "I am not the least afraid to die."
Karl Marx: "Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!"
Che Guevara*: "I know you have come to kill me. Shoot, coward. You are only going to kill a man."

The reason why it's so important for me to figure this out now is because when this type of thing is left until the last possible second, people end up saying things like Pancho Villa did:

"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."

Now, I'll never be as famous as any of these people, but I'd still like to go out with something cool. After much deliberation, and depending on the situation, I'd like my last sentence to be one of the following:

"See you in Hell!"

or,

"Oh my, that feels good."

or,

"The treasure is buried in the . . ."




* My favorite by far. Too bad Che said it first.

I almost feel sorry for what I'm going to do

The other day one of my friends cracked a joke about inappropriate email addresses (for the full story go here). In case you're too lazy to click the link, he joked that another guy's email was sexualpredator@hotmail.com.

It got me thinking about other inappropriate email addresses, so I've listed a few here. Feel free to join in on the fun by suggesting your own. Without further ado, here are the ones I came up with:

tijuanacrackwhore@gmail.com

junkiegirl@earthlink.net

genitalherpesguy@aol.com

USAnumberonecokedealer@yahoo.com

ZodiacKiller@comcast.net

polygamistwife12@us.gov

snufffilmdirector@gmail.com

10000blowjobsgiven@yahoo.com

racist1@hatemail.com

guiltyofmurderingmywife@aol.com

I asked a painter why the roads are colored black . . .

Here you have it, random thoughts I had while I was in Oregon:

• Should you really name your town as part of a valley when it's on the beach?
• When you go for a walk with your wife/girlfriend, and you're riding a Segway while she walks, it doesn't really count as being romantic.
• How did totem pole artists obtain that position? Was it the prehistoric American Idol?
• Sometimes jeans, a jacket and tennis shoes aren't enough to protect you from brambles.
• I can still hold my breath for over a mile while traveling 70 mph.
• Cows are stupid. Especially inbred cows that only have one horn that's growing out of the middle of their head.
• Is it ok to use viking ship decorations for your business when you're on the west coast?
• If I die along a roadside do not put up a cross at that location.
• Semi drivers that pass other semis while going up a hill when they're only traveling 1 mph faster than the semi they're passing ought to have their licenses revoked.
• I've been on dirt roads that are smoother than I-84 south of Boise, ID.
• Roadkill porcupine is nasty.
• When you see mile marker posts on the side of the road, and think they're listing the new speed limit, it's probably time to pull over and sleep.
• There are no hot girls in Oregon.
• If your name is B. J. and you own a store, you probably shouldn't name it after yourself unless you want people to see the sign that reads 'B. J.'s Quilts and Crafts' and think "finally, a place where I can get all three."
• The forest along the coast is very beautiful, in part because the undergrowth is so thick. Thick enough to hide a body in if necessary. Dumping bodies in the desert is sooo last year.
• When you pull off the side of the road and see a sign that reads 'Next Rest Area 7 Miles' it probably means that you should wait and pee there, but I didn't.