Well I'm standing alone at the corner, I've got nothin' but you on my mind

It should come as no surprise that I'm a procrastinator. Yesterday when I was putting off going to the lab to do some work I came across an article on MSN that listed things you should never do in front of a woman. I was curious to see how many of those things I did so I clicked the link. You'll be happy to know that there was only one thing on the list that I do (forget to carry cash). However, don't be fooled into thinking that was because I know what I'm doing when it comes to women. Rather, it's because the list was full of incredibly stupid things.

I read the list and thought, "Are you serious? You're telling me I shouldn't polish my high school trophies (that are still on display), or play Wii, or go on and on about how my mother is my best friend? Really? Thanks MSN. You've been so helpful!"

Then it occurred to me that while everything that was listed should have been common sense, there might be guys out there who don't realize any of that stuff could (and should) send a girl running. Sure, those guys are complete idiots, but complete idiots need love too. So, to help the complete idiots out, I've come up with my own list of things you should never do in front of a woman. The things on this list should be common sense as well, but you never know.

Native Minnow's dating advice
When you're with a woman* you should never . . .
. . . do jumping jacks.
. . . apply hemorrhoid cream.
. . . shoot heroin.
. . . cook human flesh.
. . . choke a midget.
. . . watch bestiality porn.
. . . shave your balls.
. . . have sex with the neighborhood crack whore.
. . . kick a homeless man.
. . . spit on a retarded person.
. . . expose yourself to a small child.
. . . let the dog (or cat) lick peanut butter off your schlong.
. . . kidnap somebody**.
. . . direct a snuff film.
. . . shit your pants.


I hope the list helps.





*Unless you're married, in which case you no longer need to impress her, so feel free to do any of these.

**Or write a ransom note for someone you've already kidnapped.

You bring the razor blade, I'll bring the speed

I haven't been going to the office as early as usual, or staying as late as usual since I hurt my back. In fact, yesterday I wouldn't have gone in at all if it hadn't been the final exam for the class I TA for. So, I got to the office around noon, tried writing a little, ended up lying on the floor in my office for a while instead, and then went to hobble around a classroom to make sure that nobody was getting away with cheating.

I only made it about halfway through the exam before the pain flared up and I had to go sit down. As I slowly made my way to a chair at the front of the room, a lady I work with approached me:

Her: You should be at home taking muscle relaxers.
Me: Except it's not muscular, it's a nerve, so muscle relaxers wouldn't help.
Her: I know that. I was just saying you should be home taking something.
Me: I should be home taking heroin.

That might do the trick.

Don't try to tell me that power can't corrupt a person, you haven't had enough to know what it's like

I just pre-ordered a copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Like many people, I'm excited to see how it all ends. I've been thinking about it, and here are a few surprises that, if included in the story, will result in fans feeling cheated (and would possibly cause rioting in the streets, or at the very least, book burnings).

• Harry Potter awakens from a daydream and is pummeled mercilessly by schoolyard bullies for having imaginary friends and playing wizard every day during recess.
• Albus Dumbledore returns from the dead, only to be struck by lightening and killed instantly before he can triumphantly save the day.
• Police raid Gryffindor house and find the biggest meth lab in Britain. Neville Longbottom, the kingpin, gets sentenced to life in Azkaban.
• Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter fly to Massachussetts and get married. They honeymoon on Brokeback Mountain.
• Ron Weasley hands Harry over to the Death Eaters for thirty pieces of silver.
• Severus Snape reveals that he had a torrid love affair with Harry's mom. DNA testing proves that he is Harry's father.
• Harry defeats Voldemort, gets drunk with power, and becomes a tyrannical despot.
• Hermione Granger is introduced to heroin (giving new definition to the term mudblood), contracts HIV from sharing a needle, but dies from an overdose before developing AIDS.
• Harry, Ron and Hermione participate in a menage a trois. The resulting awkwardness causes them to never speak to each other again.
• Voldemort wins.

The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting

I know it's a cop out post*, but I've got nothing else. Plus I thought this was hilarious. It's Kermit the Frog doing a cover of Johnny Cash covering the Nine Inch Nails song Hurt.

I should probably warn you that if you have a soul you will probably find this offensive. I wouldn't know. I don't have a soul.





*My apologies to those of you who I already sent this to

All of them ladies in their summer dresses, driving me crazy with their heroin

The other day I was talking with some friends (a guy and a girl), and as seems to happen fairly often, the conversation turned to sex. Mainly, one of my friends talked about her requirements:

Her: How much do you have? I'm easy, but I'm not cheap.
Me: I've got two bucks, what could I get for that?
Her: Absolutely nothing. Well, maybe I'd flash you or something.
Me: Whatever happened to 'first taste for free?'
Him: Dude, that only works for heroin.

Satan is my motor

Here is a list of personal slogans that I've come up with, but for some reason or other have failed to catch on:

• Lice free since Tuesday
• Shootin' blanks: I'm snipped baby!
• Hanging out with me is a vomit inducing good time
• It's nothing a good Kleenex can't fix
• Smells more like feet than feet
• It's not really a cult per se, it's just the only true way to get into heaven
• I can quit any time I want, it's only heroin
• Explosive diarrhea is really only funny in the movies

Feel free to chime in with some more.