I am not your broom

I overheard a conversation about the Olympics yesterday.

Woman: Of all the sports, why is curling divided into men's and women's? Doesn't that seem like one they could have be co-ed? There's no advantage to being big and strong.

Man: Well, they use those brooms to sweep the ice, don't they?

Woman: Yeah, but I don't think strength gives men much advantage there.

Man: No, the advantage goes the other way because women have so much more experience using a broom. That's all.

You say a lot of funny things my little bunny, and I almost always laugh, but that's not really funny

I heard this while eating lunch yesterday:

Girl: I don't really get why everyone thought Seinfeld was so funny.

Guy: That's because it's dry humor. No offense, but usually only intelligent people get that.

Girl: Oh. Okay.

This is where the party ends, I can't stand here listening to you and your racist friend

Overheard the other day:

Guy: What do you want to eat?

Girl: I want to go somewhere I can get chink food.

Guy: Did you just say chink food?

Girl: I did.

Guy: You can't call it that.

Girl: I can if there aren't any chinks around.


Las Vegas: Home to some of the classiest people you'll ever meet.

Bringing with them messages of love and everywhere they go love will grow

Overheard this week

Woman: Who is that?

Man: That's your niece

Woman: It is? Oh. I didn't know.

Man: You're a fucking cunt.

Woman (to what I assume was her significant other): See? My brother just called me a fucking cunt, and I don't even care.

Woman (to what I assume were her parents): I called him [motions to significant other] a dickhead the other day and he got all pissed off.

Aren't you ready for a new town where no-one knows your name?

Overheard at lunch:

Girl: I just found out my mom's a lesbian. I came home early the other day, walked upstairs and caught her making out with the nanny.
Guy: Well, did you hear that I have an uncle who was recently featured in Bondage magazine? We both have screwed up families.


Only in Las Vegas!

What's the name of the song? Explosivo!

Overheard at the pool earlier today:

Guy #1: **farting loudly**
Guy #2: Dude, I think you just ripped your chair.
Guy #1: I think I ripped my colon.

Man I ain't changed but I know I ain't the same

In case you needed further convincing that Vegas is a weird place, here are a few of the conversations I overheard* in the past week or so.

Two guys sitting on the patio at a bar:
Guy 1: Why are all the pretty girls showing up with dudes attached?
Guy 2: I know, that chick's hot.
Guy 1: Apparently they have a two year old together.
Guy 2: So, I'd still fuck her.
Guy 1: I would too. In fact, I'd do it with him right there watching.
Guy 2: (doubled over laughing)
Guy 1: I might even go for it on this table right here. Right in front of all you guys.

Two guys discussing their plans for the evening:
Guy 1: I think I'm going to go home. I have to bake a cake tonight.
Guy 2: Is that a metaphor?
Guy 1: For what? Jacking off?
Guy 2: ???
Guy 1: Well? That's the only prospect I have tonight.

Two guys who'd just passed a girl on the sidewalk:
Guy 1: Wow.
Guy 2: What, the heels?
Guy 1: The heels, legs, ass, breasts.
Guy 2: Oh, I didn't make it past the heels, legs and ass.

Two guys in the hallway of one of the buildings on campus:
Guy 1: Well, I gotta go and take a crap. Wanna come? You into that?
Guy 2: No, I think I'll be alright.
Guy 1: You're not into any of that stuff? You don't have any German sheizer fantasies?
Guy 2: Dude, I do not need you to squeeze out a Cleveland steamer on my chest.
Guy 1: Alright, suit yourself.

A guy and a girl discussing Easter plans:
Guy: I didn't even realize that Easter was coming up this soon.
Girl: Well, you're not Catholic so you don't have Lent to worry about.
Guy: What did you give up for Lent anyway?
Girl: I gave up smoking so much weed.



* I refuse to disclose whether I had a part in any of these conversations or if I was just a casual passerby.

Add another belt notch to the hundreds for the heartache assassin

I overheard two men talking the other day, and my powers of reasoning and logic led me to conclude that they were talking about a relationship that had recently failed.

Guy 1: "She fell in love with someone else, and ever since then I'm just this big jerk."
Guy 2: "How can you say she fell in love with someone else?"
Guy 1: "I mean, she met someone on the internet, and flew out there to have sex with him."

Now, I've been online for a while and all I want to know is, how come these internets don't seem to work like that for me?