When you're so young you wanna be older, and when you're older you want the body you have now

Friend: How do two fat people have the sex?
Me: How?
Friend: I'm asking. I don't know how it works. Do they both just start at opposite ends of the room and run at each other and hope things go where they're supposed to?
Me: Oh, I thought it was a joke. But I think the way you just described it might work for them.
Friend: I just saw two really fat people in the parking lot downstairs and they had their young daughter with them.
Me: Ha!
Friend: They both were huge, bellies and all. Just made me wonder.
Me: Ew. You should go down there and ask 'em.
Friend: I just looked and they disappeared, like a case of twinkies from a cupboard
Me: Wow, that is fast. But just to make sure that I never have to find out how that happens, I'm going to go to the gym now.
Friend: : Me too. Want me to pick you up on the way by?
Me: When are you leaving?
Friend: Now. Meet me at the corner in ten minutes ready to jump.

I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane, more than some pretty face beside a train

Yesterday one of my co-workers was walking down the hall in our building while looking down at a piece of paper in her hand. Of course, since she was distracted, I couldn't let the opportunity pass. I ran up and startled her by acting like I was going to slap her.

After her initial reaction of jumping back, she elbowed me in the stomach. Luckily, I saw it coming and had time to flex my stomach muscles and avoid having the wind knocked out of me. She wasn't quite so lucky. She hurt her elbow.

She looked at her elbow, then at my stomach, and said with a tone of shock in her voice, "You have stomach muscles!?"

When we become what we're running from

I don't own a set of scales. As a guy, I'm generally not obsessed with my weight, but perhaps I should be. Lately I've been noticing that I'm getting softer around the middle. This is disturbing for someone who has always been thin. At first I was able to rationalize it by saying that I was just getting to where I should be, but now it's gone a bit past that. Not enough that my pants won't fit or anything, but enough that my brother cracked a joke about it at our family reunion last month. I deserved it. I've certainly cracked enough jokes about him in the past. The point is, I can't justify it any longer. I need to do something about it. However, I haven't been doing a very good job of that lately. I'm pretty sure that a day when I consume a package of powder donuts, some Pop Tarts, a candy bar, a bag of Cheetos, a Gatorade and an Arby's Beef 'n Cheddar, complete with large curly fries and a large chocolate shake, isn't going to help matters any.

I'm going to end up with a Kids in the Hall gut.

If you don't know what a Kids in the Hall gut looks like, well, you're in luck. Just watch the video clip below.

Let me try and clarify (hey, that rhymes)

I got an email from a friend of mine regarding the 'I want to be an old hermit' post. She disagreed with me about my statement that what people think of as 'normal' is actually overweight. She thinks that in our culture what people think of as 'normal' is actually extremely thin. She brings up a good point that I thought I should acknowledge and clarify a little. I was talking about the way that people look at men in particular. People tell me all the time that I'm too thin, but I really don't need to put on any weight. Sure I could use some bigger muscles, but I don't need to gain weight just for the sake of not being so thin.

This is where our culture has a double standard, and I guess that was part of what I was trying to get at (that and the fact that I've heard enough out of Jared from Subway). In our culture it's ok for a man to be fat, but not for a woman. Most girls will still go out with a guy if he is fat, but most guys will not go out with a fat girl (probably because most men are shallow, but I digress). But I don't think that has anything to do with what people think is 'normal.' Rather, I think that has to do with what people think of as 'beautiful.' There's a big difference there.

I want to be an old hermit

There are certain people in my life that need to go away and never be heard from again. I didn't want to name any names and hurt any feelings, but I'm talking about you Jared from Subway. We get it, you were a fat slob, then decided to eat like a normal person and lose some weight, and it worked. Good for you. Now go away.

My question is this, at what point do people start to realize that they are indeed fat and ought to do something about it? I am lucky in that respect. I don't know if I've been blessed with a high metabolism or what, but I've never had to worry about weight gain. In fact, I never watched my diet at all until I found out my cholesterol was high about a year and a half ago. Most of the people that know me think I'm too skinny. That may be the case, but it may also be that we live in a country with an obesity problem, and what people think of as normal is in fact overweight. After all, that is what we're used to seeing.

My point is this: It shouldn't take a person reaching 400 or so pounds (like Jared from Subway) to realize that something needs to change. I can tell when I've put on a little weight, and when I have, I usually try to exercise a little more so that I can take it back off. I might be considered to be too skinny, but I still have a thin layer of fat preventing my six pack from peeking through, and I need to work that off. But I don't need you, Jared, to tell me that. I'm working on it myself.