Leavin' without you, can't say no

About a week and a half ago, The Model who I'm not exactly seeing anymore but not exactly NOT seeing anymore was invited to play a show in LA by a musician friend of hers who has been hanging out with her a lot and helping her with her music.

Without going into too many of the details, after their show on Friday he wanted to get a hotel room with her.  She declined.  Apparently she thought they were only friends, but he thought they were more than that.  When she refused to get a room with him, he freaked out, threw her phone, laptop, and money out the window, and sped through downtown LA, running red lights so she couldn't get out of the car.  He then drove her to Sacramento against her will.  Luckily she was able to get away from him eventually and call the police for help.  I shudder to think of other ways it could have ended.

I found out about it the day after he was arrested when she got computer access and emailed me.  She was online later that night, so I was able to chat with her for a bit:

Me:  I'm so sorry that happened to you.  Anything I can do to help?

Her:  Come get me?  Hold me all the way home?

Me:  If you're serious, I'll do it.  I could leave right now and be there by about seven in the morning if I drove all night.

Her:  I couldn't ask you to do that - drive a thousand miles for me.

Me:  I would.  I wouldn't mind.  I wouldn't even make it awkward or abduct you or anything.

Her:  How is that even funny* right now?







*It was totally funny.

And the wise man said I don't wanna hear your voice

Friend: I just got a text that said "are you a guy?"

Me: From who? And are you?

Friend: From an unknown number. I said, "yes, who is this?" and they said, "a girl - how old are you?" How does someone get my number?

Me: I don't know. I mean, I spray painted it on the wall in the locker room at like three local high schools, but I don't know.

The late night girls are anxious and they're coming out to play

Friend: So, the last girl who apparently knows me from high school and sent me a friend request on facebook just tried friending me again after I denied her last one. WTF, people? I have no idea who you are.

Me: That's pretty funny. She totally wants your hog.

Friend: Well, she can't have it.

Me: Don't tell me that, tell her. Send her an email back saying, "YOU CAN'T HAVE MY HOG - STOP ASKING!!!"

Leave him alone 'cause the boy's bad news

Me: Have you seen Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog? If not, you should watch it.

Friend: No. What is it?

Me: It's a project that Neil Patrick Harris and a few others did during the writer's strike. It's about 45 minutes long.

Friend: Okay, I will watch during lunch. However, [Boss] is coming back to town and I have to be on my best behavior at work now.

Me: Neil Patrick Harris plays a character named Dr. Horrible who is trying to gain acceptance into the Evil League of Evil, and he's in love with a girl, and it's a musical, and it's very bizarre, and hilarious.

Friend: It sounds lame, are you SURE its funny?

Me: Yes.

Friend: And are you SURE you aren't gay?


This would be the time when I would normally say "Yes, I'm sure I'm not gay. Bring your sister over and I'll prove it." Luckily, I caught myself and remembered that my friend's sister died a few years ago. That would've been as bad as the time I used a "your mom" joke on a friend whose parents died when he was young.

Don't you know that your life could be lost?

notdory says: how much for Vampire Weekend?

nativeminnow says: $17

notdory says: with fees?

nativeminnow says: I don't know. Probably not.

notdory says: grrr

nativeminnow says: How much do you think fees are? If buying the tickets at the Hard Rock, I wouldn't imagine them being too much, maybe another $3 or so.

notdory says: I was going to say 5 at most.

nativeminnow says: Still, I'd pay $20 to see VW, or $22

notdory says: I guess we need to decide cause [husband] is leaving the next day :(
I wanna go.

nativeminnow says: Me too. Let's put it this way: I'm going, so YOU need to decide.

notdory says: That is so a [Minnow] phrase: let's put it this way.

nativeminnow says: I get it from my mom.

notdory says: I'm putting that on your headstone. Let's put it this way, I'm dead.

When you're so young you wanna be older, and when you're older you want the body you have now

Friend: How do two fat people have the sex?
Me: How?
Friend: I'm asking. I don't know how it works. Do they both just start at opposite ends of the room and run at each other and hope things go where they're supposed to?
Me: Oh, I thought it was a joke. But I think the way you just described it might work for them.
Friend: I just saw two really fat people in the parking lot downstairs and they had their young daughter with them.
Me: Ha!
Friend: They both were huge, bellies and all. Just made me wonder.
Me: Ew. You should go down there and ask 'em.
Friend: I just looked and they disappeared, like a case of twinkies from a cupboard
Me: Wow, that is fast. But just to make sure that I never have to find out how that happens, I'm going to go to the gym now.
Friend: : Me too. Want me to pick you up on the way by?
Me: When are you leaving?
Friend: Now. Meet me at the corner in ten minutes ready to jump.

We don't need no water let the mother fucker burn

Me: What else is new?

Togers: Not very much.

Me: Well that's not very exciting. Why don't you go burn down a shed or something? Then you'll have some excitement to talk about.

Togers: Aren't you supposed to be a good example?

Me: I'm supposed to be, but you and I both know that's not the case.

People always told me that bars are dark and lonely

I'm revising a draft of a manuscript that I'm preparing to submit for publication. Today as I was doing so, I completely lost any writing skills that I once possessed, and wrote a sentence, but couldn't quite figure out why it didn't look right. So, I IM'ed my friend for help.

Me: Question: Are you not supposed to start a sentence with 'Although'?

Friend: ummm, probably not.

Me: I just had to break up a run-on sentence. I started the second one with 'However' instead.

Friend: That works.

Me: Works for me. Although, what do I know?

Friend: lol

A little while later:
Friend: I wanna go to the bar later!

Me: Although, do we have time?

Me: Although, the bar does sound kind of fun

Friend: um....STOP THAT

Me: Although, no!

Me: Although, I'm just going to start every sentence like that, whether it applies or not.

Friend: Well, then later you can say "although I don't know why, [Friend] still shoved a barstool up my ass"

Me: Although, I don't want you to shove a bar stool up my ass

Friend: Well, take matters to prevent it.

Sit here wasted while you're laughing with the lepers and questioning the price of common sense

Me: You just made me laugh and clap my hands together - I'm sure [Girl Across the Hall]'s wondering what could be so funny.

Friend: Did you clap your hands like a retard who got a free cupcake at a birthday party?

Me: Yup. Just like that.

No one sees the two sides of Monsieur Valentine

When I was teaching my labs this morning I said, "This organism is a sexually transmitted parasite. And what better way to say 'Happy Valentine's Day' than talking about STDs?"

Later, my friend IM'ed me and said, "Your lab has Valentine's STDs and mine are cutting up hearts. What a perfect commentary on the holiday."

Agreed.