I'll never look down again, again

Earlier this week:

Ex-wife: Hi. I need you to talk to your son. He got in trouble on the playground today.

Me: Okay. Put him on.

Mr M: Hi Dad.

Me: Hi dude. Your mom said you got in trouble at school today.

Mr M: Yeah. I did.

Me: What did you do?

Mr M: I called a girl a midget.

Me: Why did you do that?

Mr M: Because she is.

At least he's penitent. Oh, wait.

Yeah I will take these old shoes to get to you

Mr M: Hi Dad. Thanks for the shoes you sent. You know those white ones?

Me: Yeah.

Mr M: They make me run really fast.

Me: That's cool. I thought you might say that. Did you think that purple swoosh on the side was cool?

Mr M: What purple swoosh?

Me: The thing right on the side of the shoes.

Mr M: You mean that blue thing?

Me: It's not blue, it's purple.

Mr M: No it's not. It's blue.

Me: It's purple. Are we going to have to send you back to Kindergarten so you can learn your colors?

Mr M: I know my colors, Dad. It's blue.

Me: Ask your mom what color it is.

Mr M: Ok. Mom, what color is this?

My Ex: Purplish.

Mr M: See? They're blue.


It's like talking to a Creationist.

Got a job at the crumb factory, it's my number one job

First thing this morning I got a phone call from my ex-wife. She wanted me to talk to Mr M because he wouldn't get ready for school.

Me: What's wrong?

Mr M: I don't want to go to school.

Me: Why not?

Mr M: Because I don't LIKE school.

Me: Well, you still have to go. You only have about another week, and then you're done with Kindergarten*. Do you want me to take you today?

Mr M: I don't know. I don't want to go.

Me: Let me be clear. You're going to school. Now do you want me to take you, or do you want your mom to take you?

Mr M: Mom, I guess.

Then my ex-wife got back on the phone. I told her to tell him that everybody has to do things they don't want to do sometimes, and that there are a lot of days when I don't want to go to work either, but I do anyway.

His response to that?

"Well, when I get older I'm not gonna have to go because I'll be a lemonade worker, and if I don't want to I won't have to go to my lemonade stand."

If that's the case, maybe I'll go be a lemonade worker too.

Mr M's got it all figured out.










*He has year round school. It sucks.

You'll realize one day the grass is always greener on the other side

Two stories from Easter Sunday:

The first came from Mr M telling me that there's no such thing as the Easter Bunny. No. Instead, humans just dress up in rabbit costumes and go around delivering candy and eggs. After all, it's not like a bunny can make candy. Duh!

When I tried to convince him otherwise, he just kind of rolled his eyes and walked away.

A few minutes later he came back holding the chocolate rabbit that was in his Easter basket. He pointed to the side of the box it came in and said, "If the Easter bunny is real, then why is there nutritional information on the box? Huh?" Then he turned it over and pointed to the bar code, "And this right here proves that someone bought it."

I asked him where he thought all the other candy that was on the counter came from.

"You."

I think the gig is up.

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The second story came from when we were hanging out at the pool. I'm not sure if I mentioned this on here or not, but my ex-wife and her second husband are getting a divorce. Needless to say, they didn't exactly part on good terms, and a lot of her neighbors have heard her version of the circumstances surrounding the end of their time together. They all think he's a jerk. Of course, they're only going on one side of the story (as am I), but they have definitely formed opinions.

So, while we're sitting at the side of the pool, my ex starts talking to one of her neighbor ladies. She introduces me as her ex-husband, and the lady gave me kind of a funny look.

My ex said, "No, he's not that husband. He's the first one. Apparently I like to collect ex-husbands."

I added, "I'm the husband she wishes she'd never left."

This is not a joke so please stop smiling

When I stopped by to pick up Mr M and take him to school, he was being scolded for something he'd done (or maybe something he was supposed to do but didn't, I'm not sure because I just caught the tail end of it).

While his mom was finishing what she had to say, Mr M rolled his eyes and said, "Oh my gosh!"

Ex: You've been saying that to me way too much lately. I want you to stop saying that.

Mr M: Oh my gosh, Mom.

Ex: I told you not to say that.

Mr M: Oh my gosh. 'Oh my gosh' is just 'oh my gosh.' It's not a swear word. Look it up.

Ex: I don't care if it's not a swear word. I want you to quit saying it to me. Now brush your teeth.

Mr M: You brush your teeth.

Ex: What did you just say to me?

Mr M: Nothing.

Ex: That's what I thought.

Mr M (waiting until she'd walked a safe enough distance out of the room): YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH!

The water the water didn't realize it's dangerous size

Mr M: Dad, do you want a Sprite?

Me: No. That's ok.

Mr M: Dad. You can't just drink water all the time.

Me: Why not?

Mr M: Because if you drink too much water, then you'll get healthy and more healthy. And then you'll get sick.

Me: I think you've got it backwards there dude.

Mr M: No I don't. If you get too healthy your body gets sick.



I wasn't aware it worked that way. I might need to go read up on the immune response.

Purple toupee and gold lamé will turn your brain around

Ex-Wife: [Mr M], did you cut your hair?

Mr M: No.

Ex-Wife (pointing): Then why is your hair shorter right here?

Mr M: Maybe I was walking when it was windy, and something sharp blew across it.

Ex-Wife: Or maybe you cut it.

Mr M: You don't have any evidence for that.

I kill you all with a six barrel shotgun, I kill you all but I need you so

Here are a few of the things my youngest son has said over the past few days. Some is Easter related, some isn't:

Mr. M.: Dad, the Easter Bunny came last night.
Me: He did? What did he bring?
Mr. M.: He brought lots of stuff.
Me: Like what? Did he bring eggs?
Mr. M.: Yeah.
Me: Did he bring candy?
Mr. M.: Yeah.
Me: Did he bring guns?
Mr. M.: No! The Easter Bunny doesn't bring guns.
Me: Ok. Just checking.
Togers: Besides, [Mr. M.] already has enough guns.
Mr. M.: No I don't!

--------------------------------

Mr. M.: Mom, the Easter Bunny isn't a bunny. It's a guy in a bunny suit. And he doesn't walk, he just drives or flies to everyone's house to leave candy for kids.

--------------------------------

Mr. M.: Mom, I'm gonna learn Spanish so I can go to China.
Ex-Wife: Except in China they speak Chinese.
Mr. M.: No Mom, they speak Spanish.

--------------------------------

Mr. M. doesn't like to eat fish, so the other night when my ex-wife fixed some for dinner, she lied and told him it was chicken so that he'd eat it.

Mr. M.: Mom, my chicken tastes like fish. I think it's because they have a machine that they put fish in and turn it into chicken.

We don't need no education

I awoke this morning to the sound of the bedroom door opening. In walked Mr. M.

Me: Good morning kiddo.
Mr. M.: Good morning Dad.
Me: Is Togers awake?
Mr. M.: No.
Me: Is Tortellini awake?
Mr. M.: No.
Me: Is Grandma up? Or Grandpa?
Mr. M.: No.
Me: How do you know?
Mr. M.: I know all that stuff.
Me: You do?
Mr. M.: Yeah. I know a lot of stuff.
Me: Ok then, what's the square root of pi?
Mr. M. (in a condescending tone): Pie is round, and you put stuff in it.