So, are you ready to go my lady?

There was a wedding at the hotel we stayed at on the first night of the workship. While we were sitting around the lobby talking, leering at babysitters and such, people kept coming in and out of the ballroom where the wedding was taking place.

I mentioned to one of my friends that it was very tempting to go in there to try and get some wedding cake. She encouraged me to do it, and had I been wearing something other than shorts I might have.

Me: But I can't go in there dressed like this. It'd be too obvious.
Her: I'll give you $50 if you go in there and get some wedding cake.
British Scientist: And I'll give you another $100 if you go get one of the bridesmaids.
Other Friend: Really! What more could you ask for? There's a wedding. There's alcohol. There are bridesmaids with nowhere else to go, and you've got a room upstairs. It'd be just like shooting fish in a barrel.

I think I thought I heard that you loved me

Crazy things are happening here in The Shallows. We're talking major life changes for me here. Yesterday I told you about how I became German, and now I think I've picked up a wife.

I went to the grocery store with a friend of mine to get some snacks while en route to a party. My friend didn't have any cash, so she wanted to pay for half the items with her card, but when we went through the checkout, I didn't say anything when the cashier rang everything up at once.

When she read us our total I looked at my friend and said, "Ha ha, I win."

I punched in the number for my savings club card and paid. When the cashier handed me the receipt she looked at us and said, "Thank you very much Mr. and Mrs. [Minnow]. You saved $3.98."

I need to look into whether or not this is a binding legal arrangement. This is Vegas after all, maybe our Vons cashier did have the power vested in her by the state of Nevada to legally pronounce us husband and wife.

Send me an Angel

I made it back from the wedding just fine. Everything was nice, and I'm really glad that I went. I may tell you more about it soon, but I currently don't have much time, so in the meantime you're stuck with this story:

After the wedding ceremony, everyone went to the hotel where the reception was being held. They had hors d' oeurves in the lobby before the reception began, most of which were scrumptious indeed. I tried most of them, but kept missing out on the scallops wrapped in bacon. Since I don't really give a crap about watching my cholesterol when I'm out of town I really wanted to try these, but by the time I'd notice a tray going by it was too late for me to grab one (partly because the trays would empty rather quickly).

To make matters worse, I was talking to two couples and they were able to score some of the bacon wrapped scallops. One husband brought some to his wife, and the wife from the other couple brought some to her husband.

Me: "That's it. I need to get myself a significant other RIGHT NOW!"

Smaller and smaller and smaller*

The other day I walked into the office and one of the secretaries commented about how skinny I am. It's actually a little bit funny when people say things like that to me, because while I am thin, I have been gaining weight lately.

I told her that, if anything, I need to start trying to work off the gut that's starting to form (I have a six pack that's just dying to peek out, I promise).

Her: No. You need to find yourself a nice Latin woman to fatten you up.
Me: I don't need any woman. I'm doing just fine the way things are. I don't really want to put any effort into anything right now.
Her: Well, in that case, maybe we should start a list where people can sign up to be your girlfriend.
Me: And are you going to manage it for me?
Her: Sure.
Me: Actually, to be honest with you, that's probably a list I'd be afraid to see.



*I'm leaving early in the morning for a wedding in Massachussetts. I may not have internet access, or much time for posting, so I'm leaving an extra post for you today. Pace yourselves, you've got to make it last.

Holding on to always just seems irrelevant now

The other day my ex-wife emailed me the link to her wedding photos. I'd like to post some of the best ones, but she gave me express instructions not to, so I'll honor her wishes.

When she first told me that she wanted to get married in a bikini on the beach I thought it would be the trashiest thing ever (probably because I'd envisioned something like this), but it actually looked like it turned out nice. It still wouldn't be my first choice of locations for a wedding, but it worked for them.

I have to admit, she looks really good in the photos, and they look happy together. In fact, as I was looking through the pictures I doubted that she'd ever looked at me the way she was looking at him. That's ok, maybe that means this one will last.

It's definitely a strange feeling though. I don't want her back. We weren't all that happy together in the first place, but the main feeling that came over me as I looked through the pictures was "she was mine first."

I miss the innocence I've known

Most of you know that my ex-wife re-married last month. They went to Mexico and everything was quite nice from what I've been told. That is, aside from the fact that everyone's return flight got cancelled (they could only get back into the U.S. in small groups), and the fact that a big wave crashed over the beach during the ceremony (I'm told that the wave was large enough to get people scrambling up the beach to get away from it, yet it still knocked everyone but the bride and groom over - memorable to say the least).

It was the first time flying on a commercial airline for both my boys, and my four year old was able to get away with things that you or I could never hope to on the flight down. As soon as everyone was on the plane he thought it would be funny to start yelling "We're all going to die!"

What can I say? He's a funny kid. I only hope that he didn't cause a panic attack for someone who already had a fear of flying.

What else should I be? All apologies.

I spoke to my ex-wife on the phone again today regarding the permission slip for her to take our kids with her to Mexico for her wedding. We've finally got it all figured out, and everything should go off without a hitch, once I can find myself a notary that is.

However, during our conversation I realized that the only times I mention her on here are times when I'm frustrated with her for some reason. That's not entirely fair to her because I think I tend to portray her in a negative light. Sure, old habits die hard, and we still end up arguing about stuff, but I do still care for her. I'm happy for the changes she's made in her life and I wish her all the best.

I don't know if she reads this blog or not. She does know about it, I'm just not sure if, or how often, she checks in, but I'd like to apologize to her for giving her a bad reputation on here. You know, just in case she does stop by.

(I'd offer her the apology in person if I knew for a fact she reads, but why admit something to someone who may not know you're guilty?)

Don't get sentimental, it always ends up drivel

Somebody stop me, over the past week I've been getting nostalgiac for the days when I was first married and starting college. I think it has to do mostly with the fact that I've been a lot of different places where music from that time period has been playing. It's funny how nostalgia works. You only end up remembering the good things, and often forget about how completely miserable you really were at the time.

Another reason for this wave of nostalgia could be the fact that my ex-wife is getting remarried soon. I'm not jealous or anything, it just puts another stamp of finality on the situation. They're tying the knot in Mexico, so I won't be going, but my kids will. I've been talking to her a lot on the phone because I have to write a note, signed and notorized, that grants her permission to take my kids out of the country. She just has to provide that, along with the kids' birth certificates when she goes through customs in order to show that she's not trying to kidnap the kids and leave the country. I'm not worried about her skipping out and never coming back. If she did that she'd be walking away from the child support I pay, and there's no way she's going to do that.

Normally this would be something that could be handled with a single phone call where she calls me up, tells me she needs the note, I agree to to it and send it off. Done deal. Normal would be the key word there. The circumstances surrounding our divorce were nowhere near normal, and that is where the complications arise. She was impregnated by someone else shortly after the two of us separated, but he abandoned her and the baby while the baby was recovering from some complications he had and was in the newborn intensive care unit. I know, such a classy guy, but hey, he was more fun than me so what's a girl to do?

Our divorce had not been finalized at the time, in fact, the papers had not even been filed yet because I was still trying to convince her that I could get past everything that had happened and work things out. Looking back, I'm glad we didn't because it would have just prolonged the inevitable, and I'm much happier now, but hindsight's always 20/20, right? Anyway, since we were still married, Utah state law required that my name be put on the birth certificate even though she and I both insisted that the baby wasn't mine. The problem for me is that this would have required me to pay child support on him as well as my other two, which is not something I was willing to do. I told her I'd be his father figure, but shelling out another $250 or so a month was where I had to draw the line, so I took a paternity test. Once the state got those results back they started to go after the real biological father for child support.

Now that you have that background you can see how this little jaunt of hers to Mexico is more complicated than it's worth. She wants me to grant permission for her to take all three kids out of the country, but I'm not sure I can legally do that. She told me that her travel agent said that all they need is a signature from the person listed on the birth certificate, but I'm not going to sign off until I'm absolutely sure. It wouldn't be the first time I'd signed something on her behalf and had it come back and bite me in the ass.

I expressed my concerns to her in our last phone conversation.

Her: "Well, I'll double check. If you can't then maybe I'll just have to have my fiancee go down and see if he can get a signature from [biological father]."

Now, this highlights one of the things that used to drive me crazy about my ex-wife. She would never take care of things that had the potential to be awkward or uncomfortable for her. She always expected me to do it for her, and now apparently expects her fiancee to as well. I decided to say something to her about it.

Me: "Or, you could go down and talk to him yourself."
Her: "I know, but I've tried talking to him before. You have no idea what it's like to try and have a conversation with a child."
Me: "Oh, I know exactly what it's like to try and have a conversation with someone who acts like a child."
Her: "Shut up, you big dork."

Hey, I have to get my digs in when I can.

Breaking News

I'm not creative enough to come up with something good for my 100th post, but the timing just happened to be right for this news, which just happens to be pretty big. I got a call from my ex-wife the other day, and her boyfriend gave her a ring. She seems a little nervous about taking such a big step again, but she also seems happy. I'm happy for her. I hope she makes this one work (I told her when I first got a chance to see what he was like that she needed to make sure she didn't screw this one up).

I've mentioned on here before about how much I actually like the guy. He's the kind of person you hope an ex can find. That is, as long as you are still friends with your ex - if you're vindictive you probably like to see them with jerks, but there's more at stake here than my ex's happiness. There is also the happiness of my children to be concerned about. She's had several boyfriends since the two of us split up, but as far as I know, this is the only one that my kids have felt comfortable around and actually liked. How many guys do you know that wouldn't absolutely freak out when a 3 year old scribbles on the big screen HDTV with a marker, or puts a wood chip into the dvd player? His reaction to both those things was to drive my son to his mom's work so that she could talk to him about it - pretty cool. I don't know if I could have kept my cool like that given the situation. He also helps the older ones with their homework, and does a lot of the things I can't do for them since I live so far away. I'm grateful for that.

I haven't talked to my kids yet to see how they feel about their mom getting married, but they've mentioned to me before that they like this guy a lot, and that they don't ever want him and their mom to break up. Here's hoping that they don't.

I'm the jerk on the plane

I flew to Salt Lake City from Vegas last night as I had wedding to go to today at Temple Square. I've been sick the past few days with a cough that's been getting progressively worse and moved down into my chest. However, I already paid for the ticket and it was non-refundable so I wasn't about to take a loss on it. Especially since I had already rescheduled the flight once before and had to pay a $50 fee to the airline because of it. Instead of being a nice guy, and staying home so as not to get everyone sick, I took a double dose of my cough suppressant and had a friend drop me off at the airport. Luckily this strategy paid off, and I was able to make it through the entire flight without any violent fits of coughing. I know I ran the risk of making the people I was sitting next to sick, but at least this way if they come down with it they won't be able to pinpoint me and curse my name, even if I was the jerk that gave it to them.