I'm just a kid who gets his drinks from you and stands around and doesn't have a clue

Last Friday I dropped Togers off at his mom's (he's living with me now, by the way) and went to meet up with a friend for dinner.  There was a new bar that had opened up near his house that he wanted to check out, so we went there.  It was alright.

I ordered some food, and the bartender asked if I just wanted to start a tab.  I told her yeah, and that she could go ahead and put my friend's drinks on it as well.

He asked, "Are you sure?"

I said, "Yeah, just as long as you put out later."

After I finished my food, I saw that they actually had s'mores on the menu, so I had to get that for dessert.  She said that the banana nutella s'mores were her favorite, and that earlier in the day she'd been back in the kitchen licking every last bit off a plate.  When she brought it out I told her she could have some, so she dipped her finger in the melted marshmallow goo and nutella and licked it off as she walked away.

After that she kept coming back just to talk.  At one point my friend pointed out that she wasn't even talking to him when she came by, only me.  The next time she walked by she asked me to feel her arm.  My friend tried to convince me that she might be interested and that I should try to get her number.  I, however, know that she works for tips, so figured she was just being friendly since I was the one with the open tab.

Later, he went to the bathroom.  While he was gone, I started thinking about my most recent break up (the weekend after Valentine's Day - Awesome), when she came by and struck a pose mocking the serious look on my face.

I laughed, then she said, "Where did he go?" and motioned toward my friend's empty seat.

"I don't know.  I paid for his drinks and everything, then he just got up and left me all alone."

"Fucking men," she said.

I'm guessing she thought I was gay.

Stickshifts and safety belts, bucket seats have all got to go

I took a road trip to San Francisco for the week of Thanksgiving with my girlfriend(?).  On the way home, she got pulled over for speeding.  The officer took her license and registration and said he'd be right back.

Her:  I can't believe I'm going to get a ticket.

Me:  He's probably going to ticket you for driving while there was a capable man in the vehicle.

Her:  In that case, he should ticket you for not keeping your woman under better control.

The risks I take to make myself laugh.  Glad she thought it was funny too.

Leavin' without you, can't say no

About a week and a half ago, The Model who I'm not exactly seeing anymore but not exactly NOT seeing anymore was invited to play a show in LA by a musician friend of hers who has been hanging out with her a lot and helping her with her music.

Without going into too many of the details, after their show on Friday he wanted to get a hotel room with her.  She declined.  Apparently she thought they were only friends, but he thought they were more than that.  When she refused to get a room with him, he freaked out, threw her phone, laptop, and money out the window, and sped through downtown LA, running red lights so she couldn't get out of the car.  He then drove her to Sacramento against her will.  Luckily she was able to get away from him eventually and call the police for help.  I shudder to think of other ways it could have ended.

I found out about it the day after he was arrested when she got computer access and emailed me.  She was online later that night, so I was able to chat with her for a bit:

Me:  I'm so sorry that happened to you.  Anything I can do to help?

Her:  Come get me?  Hold me all the way home?

Me:  If you're serious, I'll do it.  I could leave right now and be there by about seven in the morning if I drove all night.

Her:  I couldn't ask you to do that - drive a thousand miles for me.

Me:  I would.  I wouldn't mind.  I wouldn't even make it awkward or abduct you or anything.

Her:  How is that even funny* right now?







*It was totally funny.

You know the girl you said I'd meet someday, well I've got something to confess, she picked me up on Friday

I don't want anyone to die of shock, but a couple of weeks ago I started dating a girl. She's got superb taste in music, is really easy to talk to and fun to be around, and is very, very pretty. She doesn't even seem to be too concerned about the fact that I'm a loser who lives in his brother's basement. What's not to like?

She came over the other night, and on a piece of scrap paper that was left out on the kitchen counter wrote: [Native Minnow] Where did you come from? Who do you think you are?

My sister-in-law and one of my nieces took it upon themselves to answer her questions.

Where did you come from? He is from outer space, and/or his mom's "no-no" zone.

Who do you think you are? [Nicknames] is a narcissist - he thinks he is king of the world. He is also a verb, as in "Why are you dancing all [Minnow-ey]?"

They left the paper out so the next night when the girl came over she saw them. She laughed, then wrote: Do tell me more.

They did.

"He loves 2 watch Elmo, Barney, and Dora. He is fond of trying to kill little girls by "dancing". He also lives with his brother . . . If it weren't 4 us u'd be dating a hobo."

"[Minnow] really likes fashion, pillow talk, and long walks on the beach. He is secretly rich, but chooses to live a pauper's lifestyle. He also lives a dual life 'in and out of the closet.'"

Somehow, this hasn't scared her off. Yet.

This could be your lucky day in Hell

Last night I had plans with Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend. She had a final exam in the evening, and said she'd call me when she finished.

I got an email from her in the middle of the day stating that she didn't have her phone, so she'd just come over to my house after she was done. I emailed her back to say that would be perfect (since I wanted to watch the NBA playoffs anyway).

Later in the evening, I logged in to facebook and saw that she'd changed her status to "I think I may get lucky tonight."

Imagine my disappointment when I realized that I forgot to give her the new gate code to my neighborhood, and couldn't call to let her know.

Tailored suits, chauffered cars, fine hotels, and big cigars, up for grabs, up for a price

Friend: So what's the deal with you and that Asian girl?

Me: What are you talking about?

Friend: I've seen the flirting. It seems to be going both ways.

Me: Nah. I don't make enough money to keep that girl happy.

Friend: Do you think she's a gold digger?

Me: I guarantee it.

Friend: How do you know that?

Me: She works as an image consultant.

Friend: I don't even know what that is.

Me: I didn't either, until I asked her. It's basically someone who helps rich people pick out expensive gifts for their wives or girlfriends.

Friend: So like a personal shopper?

Me: I guess. But expensive stuff. She told me she helps guys pick out diamond necklaces, or $4000 evening gowns. Stuff like that.

Friend: That's crazy.

Me: I told her that if there were men willing to spend that much on their women, that surely there would be women out there who are willing to spend that kind of money on their men, and that I needed to find one of those women.

Friend: What did she say to that?

Me: She said, "You're going to need to clean it up." I asked, "Clean what up?" She said, "All of it!"

Friend: You're right. You can't afford her.

Me: I told you!

Add another belt notch to the hundreds for the heartache assassin

Togers got his heart broken for the first time. My ex called me last night to see if I'd talk to him about it. I did, but as I was talking to him it occurred to me that me giving him girl advice would be similar to Larry the Cable Guy being science adviser to the White House.

This morning I asked if he was feeling any better. He said he was. When he got out of the car I told him the one thing about girls that I do know for sure: "Chicks are crazy, man. Don't ever forget that."

If you can't see me happy well just look the other way

The perfect way to spend an Easter Sunday:

1) Have the kids spend the night and dye eggs the night before.
2) Wake up and do the whole Easter basket thing followed by an egg hunt in the back yard.
3) Eat a lot of candy!
4) Make a good lunch (at least by my standards) of ham and cheesy potatoes.
5) Hang out with the kids at their pool (even if the water is too cold and you end up getting a slight sunburn).
6) Go home and take a short nap.
7) Go to a concert.



I went with a girl who is way out of my league, but as they say, it's better to aim high and miss than aim low and hit, right?

The show was amazing! I'd never seen them play live, but I'm really glad I went as I was still waffling about it a week prior to the show.

At one point, the lead singer asked whether there was anyone in the crowd who'd never heard of them but just stumbled in from the casino to see what was going on, or if there was anyone who was hearing them for the very first time. The girl I was with fell into the category of those hearing them for the first time, so she raised her hand. The lead singer looked directly at her and said, "Well, we're glad you came." A few songs later, he jumped down off the stage and started to walk into the audience while he was singing. I leaned over and said, "Looks like he wants to come out and say hi to you." She laughed, but then as he continued singing the song, he walked straight to her, shook her hand, stopped singing and said, "Welcome to Travis" then continued on with the song.

All I'm saying is, you know the girl you brought to the show is hot when the lead singer of the band makes it a point to introduce himself.

I told her, "You could soooo get backstage if you wanted to."

She said she wouldn't go without me. I really believe that she could've, but I'm glad she didn't.

After the show, she thanked me about ten times for inviting her, and asked me to put together a mix CD of my favorite songs of theirs. Instead, I'm going to put a CD together with all the songs I can remember them playing at the concert since that includes a lot of my favorites anyway. However, I'm not sure I can give her a mix CD without asking if that means we're "going steady" if she accepts it.

Oh yeah, I tried to take a picture with my camera phone so I could make everybody jealous, but this is how crappy it turned out (I added the circle - obviously, he doesn't have a red aura).

No plus no equals no

I twittered about this about two weeks ago, but figure I have time to tell the whole story now.

A couple of Fridays ago I went to the bar with my friends. I was sitting at a table with them when a girl I know walked by. She saw me sitting at the table, and came over to say hi. She talked for a few minutes, but I was trapped against the wall, and she was talking to me across the whole table, so I told her I'd go outside and sit with her in a little while so that the conversation wouldn't be so awkward.

Only one of my friends at the table had ever met this girl before, so as soon as she walked away they all started telling me to go outside right then and talk to her.

I told them that I would go out there, but not right then. I waited about an hour, then went outside to talk to her after I'd already had to get up and use the restroom. When I got outside I looked around and couldn't see her anywhere. Cursing myself for waiting so long, I called her and left a message saying that I was sorry I had missed her if she'd already left, and if she hadn't she should text me to let me know where she was and I'd come back out. Then I went and sat back down with my friends.

Friend 1: That was fast.
Me: She wasn't out there.

Just then, she and one of her friends walked out of the bathroom and went back outside.

Friend 1: There she is right there. Go out there and talk to her right now.
Me: No. I just left her a message. If she texts me, then I'll go out.
Friend 2: What is wrong with you? That girl is really cute. Go out there.
Friend 1 (to Friend 2): He could have that girl if he wanted her. She seeks him out every time she's here.
Me: That's a bit of an exaggeration.
Friend 2: Go out there.
Me: If I go out right now I just look desperate.
Friend 1: You are desperate. You aren't in a position where you should be playing hard to get.
Me: I'm only going if she texts me.
Friends 1 & 2: You're an idiot.
Me: Maybe.

A few minutes later she texted me: I was in the bathroom.

Me: See? Now I can go out there.

So, I went outside and sat with her and her friends for a while.

Now, a little back story here is necessary. The first night I met this girl was at the same bar. That night she told me about how the bar owner (who is extremely creepy) kept asking her out. He does that with a lot of girls that come to the bar, but he seems to be very persistent with her. He gives her and her friends free drinks all the time, and sometimes he'll corner her in the hallway that leads to the bathroom to get some one on one conversation and/or to ask her to go out with him. It's creepy, but she tolerates it. Probably so she can keep getting free drinks.

Of course, I take every chance I get to make fun of her about this guy's apparent obsession with her. I'll periodically send her emails or texts that say "[Bar Owner] misses you." It never gets old. At least not from my perspective. (You may have noticed that about me and my stupid jokes.) So, when I first sat down I asked if he'd hit on her yet that night. She said he had. Of course he had.

After sitting there for a while, she and her friends decided that they wanted to do a round of shots. She joked about how she was going to find the bar owner and flash her boobs to him to see if she could get some shots for free. I said that if she did that it would be the highlight of his life, and there'd be no way he could say no.

Her: Of course he wouldn't be able to say no. Nobody has ever been able to say no to these boobs.

I tried to get our server to bring the bar owner out, but she wouldn't, so the plan never came into fruition. At least not while I was there. After sitting there for probably too long, I told her that I needed to go back inside because I felt like I'd abandoned my friends. I also needed to leave soon, and had to settle up on my part of the bill.

Her: You're leaving? You're not even going to stick around long enough to see my boobs?
Me: I'm sure they're fabulous, but I have to go.
Her: [pouting]
Me: Do you see this? [motioning to my body with my hands] This is me saying "No!" to your boobs.
Her: That's the first time that's ever happened.
Me: [Waving as I walk away].

It may be time to rethink my priorities in life.

Don't want you to fall in love now so please don't start

What you don't want to hear when you finally let your guard down and tell someone how you feel.

Me: I think I've fallen in love with you.

Her: Oh no!

All alone in a dark room with a mouthful of prescription

My friend, Silentkid, works with a smoking hot chick. About a month ago she invited him to her birthday party. Unfortunately, due to medical reasons he was unable to go. He called me to express his disappointment.

Me: You should go to the party anyway. Not only will you have chance to get on her, but she's bound to have some hot friends.
Silentkid: I can't though. I'm in too much pain.
Me: Well, take some painkillers and go.
Silentkid: Take a bunch of vicodin and then drive to downtown Denver. That's a smart move.
Me: Well, drive first, then take the vicodin once you get there.
Silentkid: Then I'll need to grind it up and snort it so it gets into my system faster.
Me: Perfect! You can snort it off her ass or cleavage. Just tell her it's how the doctor prescribed it.


What? Am I the only person whose prescription bottles come with those instructions?

If you see her say hello

Me: Yeah, that girl was crazy. Actually, all women are crazy. All men know that. Yet, for whatever reason, we keep trying to make ourselves believe otherwise.

Friend: I could go for some craziness right now.

Me: I could see about setting set you up with the crazy girl.

Friend: I don't mean that kind of crazy.

Me: Regardless, that's the kind you're gonna' get.

I know it's not mine but I'll see if I can use it for a weekend or a one night stand

Me: I got tickets to the Mountain West tournament.

Rural Murder: Cool. That should be fun.

Me: Yeah, but I have to give away my Thursday night ticket because I'll be teaching during that game.

Rural Murder: Too bad.

Me: But I still get to see both games on Friday, and the men's and women's finals on Saturday. Although, I haven't decided if I'll go to the women's championship game.

Rural Murder: That's because you're misogynistic.

Me: Yeah. You know me. I hate women. The only time I love them is when my penis is in their vagina.

Rural Murder: Classy!

Me: I know!!!

I was trying to keep the door locked, now realize that's a mistake

I'm going against the line of reasoning that says anything posted after 2 a.m. is probably best left unsaid, but I can't sleep because of what's on my mind so here we go. I have a confession to make. For the last few months I've been dating someone. Or I should say, I had been dating someone. During that time, this girl and I became more than friends, but not quite a couple. That is until a couple weeks ago when she and I decided that we'd be better off if we were just friends.

The other night I went out with a friend and she asked me if I was still seeing this girl. I explained the whole situation to her, including the part about how we'd decided to call it off. When I'd finished talking she asked me a simple question: Are you afraid of commitment?

Right there my friend summed it up in three little words. Afraid of commitment. As cliché as it sounds, that's exactly what the problem was. It wasn't the lack of chemistry, or any of the other things the girl and I had discussed when we decided to end things. It was that I was afraid to commit to her, to come right out and ask her to be my girlfriend. I still don't know why I couldn't do that. It's not that I didn't think about it, because I did. She would have made a great one, but I just couldn't make myself say the words.

Well, last night I saw the girl for the first time since she and I called things off. I had a few things I was getting rid of that she could use, so I invited her over for dinner so she could pick them up. It was nice to see her, don't get me wrong, but it affected me more than I thought it would. A lot more. I kept wanting to touch her, put my arms around her, and when she left I wanted to kiss her goodnight, but I couldn't. That's when it occurred to me. I'd messed up something good.

I'm fairly certain that it's too late to change anything. I have reason to suspect that she's interested in someone else already. Even if that's not the case, she obviously wasn't happy with the way things were and where they were going. My head still tells me that we did the right thing. I just wonder how long it's going to take for my heart to agree. I really do miss her.

This is how we multiply, pity that it's not my wife

Me: Today's a sad, sad day.

Friend: Why's that?

Me: I found out that [Girl* I Used To Have A Crush On] got married. She sent me an email and told me they eloped.

Friend: I don't know who that is.

Me: She's the one that works as a cocktail waitress at the Hard Rock.

Friend: Oh yeah. Wow. She moves fast. But if she's married, it doesn't sound like you had much of a chance with her anyway. Besides, the last thing you need is someone who wants to get married.

Me: I know, but I did miss out on that chance to be her rebound guy.

Friend: You did? When?

Me: Didn't I tell you about that? She called me up one night out of the blue and started talking about how much fun we used to have together and that she wanted to hang out. I just didn't think she wanted anything right then because she'd just broken up with a guy. Of course, then she started seeing this guy like a week later.

Friend: You did miss out on a chance to be her rebound guy! Of course, you only had a one week window. Plus, those were the days when you used to say that you had to be in love with someone in order to have sex with them.

Me: I know, what was I thinking?





*One of the hottest girls I've met since moving to Vegas(and that says a lot)

Like a rickshaw gettin' pulled around by another rickshaw

Me: So, did you ask her out yet?
Friend: No, not yet.
Me: What are you waiting for? That girl's hot.
Friend: Rogue Wave is playing here on Friday. Maybe I'll ask her if she wants to go to that with me.
Me: What's this maybe? Do it. If you don't, I'm going to have to fly out there and take away your man card.
Friend: You'll come out here and cockblock me? Is that what you're saying?
Me: Yes. I'll do it too. My mojo's been working lately.

Don't you want to help me, tell me what to do, help me find a way

There's a girl that I'm interested in (Ok, ok, there are like five girls that I'm interested in, but this post is only about one of them, and it's not the girl from the Corvette story. I'm a whore. So what?), and I'd like to know if she's interested in me as well. There are several things that lead me to believe that she might be, but then there are a few things that make me think that's just wishful thinking. So, the other night when I was talking to one of my friends, I brought it up. I told him the reasons I think she might be interested, the reasons why she might not be, and then asked his opinion.

Him: That's tough. It's always hard to know what a girl's intentions are. She could be into you, or she could just be being nice.
Me: That's what I thought. I know I could just ask her. The truth is, I'd be ok with just being friends, but I'd also be ok with being more.
Him: I can understand that.
Me: I just don't want to make a move and end up freaking her out so that she doesn't even want to be friends. You know?
Him: Yeah.
Me: So what would you do?
Him: I'd probably just put it in her butt.

That would certainly be one way to find out.

You're looking tired, like you tried to kill yourself again, you'll probably be strung out tonight

I was walking down the hall the other day when a flyer on one of the bulletin boards caught my eye. It was advertising 'Suicide Prevention Movie Night' and a showing of Jumping off Bridges, a movie about the stigma reduction of suicide. The movie was hosted by the university's women's center.

My advisor saw me reading it and said, "Boy, that looks like a good time, huh?"

Another guy passed and said, "You should go there. You could probably find some easy chicks."

I answered, "Well, that might not be a bad idea. There's bound to be at least a few with low enough self esteem."

As she goes left and you stay right

As you all know by now, I'm basically retarded when it comes to dealing with members of the opposite sex. There's a girl I've been interested in, but haven't been able to ask out. I mentioned this to one of my friends, and then told him some of the things that she's said and done to get his opinion on whether he thought she was sending out signals.

His response was, "I'm going to smack you right now. Girls don't do stuff like that unless they're interested. Ask her to go do something with you."

The next time I talked to him I said, "I've got some disappointing news. You know the girl I wanted to ask out? She has a boyfriend."

"Really?" he said, "That's surprising because she seemed to be coming on to you pretty strong. There's got to be something wrong, like, maybe she's just a nice person or something."

When thoughts are all you dream of, and falls are all you take

The other day I sent an email to a girl stating the following:

"You're going to think I'm a total weirdo for telling you this, but I had a dream about you the other night (no, not that kind of dream). I don't remember all the details, but I remember that you did something to diffuse a situation between me and my ex-wife where she was demanding that I do something that I didn't want to do.

This morning she called me at 6 a.m. wanting me to fax her some papers. Where were you when I needed you?!

Texas, that's where"

Her response:

"I am happy to hear you were having dreams about me, I got a little disappointed when you said that they were not "that kind"

I call shenanigans!!! No girl ever wants to be told by email that a guy has been having "that kind of dream" about her unless they are in a relationship.