HIghlights from a phone conversation I just had with an old friend from high school:
Him: How the hell did you guys let that happen to you?
Me: Let what happen?
Him: Kids!
Me: Well, let me explain something to you. A guy has something called a penis. A woman has something called a vagina. Sometimes, when those two things come into contact, a baby gets made.
Him: I'm not talking about that part. I'm talking about being careful. You have to be careful. I've always been careful. I have a baloney sandwich in my refrigerator. A baloney sandwich!!! I can't even take care of myself, let alone a kid.
Me: I go in for my steroid shot tomorrow morning.
Him: Is that going to make your balls shrink?
Me: I hope not.
Him: It is. It's going to make your balls shrink.
Me: Well, then I'll have to do something else to make sure they stay big.
Him: No you don't. You don't need big balls anymore. You've already got three kids.
Him: What are your plans for the day?
Me: Well, first I have to get out of bed. Then I have to clean a little because the friends I'm house-sitting before are coming home today.
Him: Clean? It's not even your house. What do you have to clean?
Me: I don't have to do much. Just change the cats' litter box, do the dishes, stuff like that.
Him: Do the dishes? What are you, gay?
Him: I kind of get tired about the lack of culture around here.
Me: Yeah?
Him: Yeah. Around here people think culture is eating Mexican food from Taco Bell.
Him: It kills me that you all got married. I'm the only one that never got a degree. Never got married. Never had kids.
Me: Ah, but that just means you've been able to sleep with more women. How many are you up to now?
Him: Wait, do hookers count?
Me: Sure.
Him: Ok. Seventy.
7 comments:
Only 70? He's almost a virgin.
Gee I wonder why he's never got married or had kids? And him with such a happy and optimistic outlook on life...one of life's little mysteries I guess :)
Hope the shot doesn't hurt too much but it sounds painful. Oh and did you finish all the candy to spare the lady of the house from eating it and getting a fat ass? It's part of the duties of a house sitter ya know.
I'm with gypsy about your friend! Although that Taco Bell comment is pretty awesome.
Good luck with the shots!
You better believe they count, although if it's 70 that's a fair bit of money.
I guess eating at Taco Bell saves the money to pay for the hookers, eh?
Perhaps I should have done a better job of pointing out that he was laughing as he said all of these things. He's not all bitter like I kind of made him sound. It's not uncommon for my friends to give me crap about having kids. After all, a lot of people my age aren't even married, let alone parents.
I'm getting my spine injected in T-minus seventy-five minutes and counting. I hope it doesn't hurt too bad.
So, how's your spine?
How did things go with the shot in the back---sounds bad even if it isn't. Hope you are able to get by with just the shots....let us know how things go with that. Was good to talk to you last night.
Post a Comment