It's not a question about getting the message

Mr M: You're old. And I'm closer to my birthday than you.

Me: No you're not. I only have to wait until April. Yours isn't until September.

Mr M: So? You're closer to death than I am. Ha ha ha ha.


Touche. Jerk!

And I believe there's a way to shut the things you don't need out

Talking on the phone to Mr M:

Me: How are you?

Mr M: I'm happy.

Me: Good. Why are you so happy?

Mr M: 'Cause I'm eating a cookie and talking to you.


It's the simple things, you know?

I just wanna be your firecracker, and maybe be your baby tonight

Friend: I was talking to an old friend of mine who's about to have her second kid. She's married, and happy, but you know what she told me she missed the most about being single?

Me: What?

Friend: She said she missed the anonymous sex. Isn't that terrible?

Me: That's pretty funny.

Friend: I just can't believe anyone would say they miss that. Can you?

Me: I wouldn't know. I've never had a one night stand.

Friend: WHAT!?!? Never?

Me: Never.

Friend: How can you not have had a one night stand*?

Me: How long have you known me? Does that sound like something I'd do? Besides, I can't even pick up on girls, let alone be able to seal the deal in one night.

Friend: A one night stand is something that should be on your bucket list.

Me: That doesn't really seem like a bucket list sort of thing.

Friend: Put it on your bucket list. Do it right now.









*I should've asked my friend how many one night stands she's had, but maybe that sort of thing is best left unsaid.

You don't even know what it means to take your own advice

Today one of my friends called to tell me that she was breaking up with her boyfriend. It'd been a while since we last talked, so after she'd told me all about it, she asked me about any updates regarding Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend.

Me: I took her out to dinner last weekend, and we had a really good talk. She's called me every day since then, and she wants to do something tomorrow night. She's also asked me to have lunch with her tomorrow and the day after. Of course I said yes to all of those things, but I'm not sure I should have.

Her: Oh stop it. Just go out tomorrow night and have fun with her. Do you want my advice?

Me: Sure.

Her: I think you should invite her to spend the night at your place, wait until she falls asleep, and then rape her.



I think it's time to stop taking advice from my friends.

But inside inside you always feel the same even when you wake up

Last night I was talking to a friend about yesterday's post:

Me: She thinks it happened because she's been over-exerted from trying to do too much over the past few days, and not eating or drinking enough during that time.

Friend: The only time in my life when I'm over-exerting myself is when I'm taking a shit.

Grandma take me home

Two days ago was my grandmother's 92nd birthday. I'm a horrible grandson, and never call, but figured I'd better because you never know how many more chances you'll get. Normally I run out of things to say to her after about five minutes, but this conversation lasted almost a half hour. Here's an excerpt:

Grandma: Do you have a girlfriend?

Me: Well, there's a girl I've been dating, but I don't really know what to call her at this point. I can't really call her my girlfriend because we haven't had that conversation yet, even though we've been seeing each other off and on for about a year and a half.

Grandma: Well, it doesn't really matter what you call her as long as you like to spend time together.

Me: Yeah, we do.

Grandma: And if it ever gets to the point where you ask her, don't do it like [Grandpa] did with me.

Me: How was that?

Grandma: One day he asked me, "What would you say if I asked you to marry me?" I just said, "Wouldn't you like to know?"

Me: That's funny.

Grandma: Well, I just thought it was a stupid thing to ask a girl. He didn't deserve to get a straight answer if he was going to ask like that.

The truth will not set you free, it's ok to believe that you're not good enough

Me: Hello?

Ex-Wife: [Mr M] has something to tell you.

Me: Ok, put him on the phone.

Mr M: Dad, did you know that if you have a whole bunch of kids, and you don't want all of 'em then you can kill one?

Me: Nope. I didn't know that.

Mr M: You can. And you get to choose which one you want to kill.

Me: Wow. So which one of you guys do I want to choose?

Ex-Wife: He just rolled his eyes and handed me the phone.

My flying saucer where can you be since that sad night that you sailed away from me

Me (answering the phone): Hello?

Ex-Wife: [Mr M] is crying. Can you please talk to him?

Me: Sure. What's he crying about?

Ex-Wife: He's upset because E.T. went home.


Nevermind the fact that he's a few decades behind the times, I may have to go smack the kid around some to toughen him up a bit.

There is blood in all the things I say

Me: I just sent two packages today. One is for all the kids, and one is Togers' birthday present. Obviously he has to wait until his birthday to open that, but they can open the other one as soon as it gets there.

My Kids' Step-Dad: Of course we'll make him wait to open the one, but thanks for the heads up. We'll watch for them.

Me: Cool. Thanks.

My Kids' Step-Dad: I'm picking Togers up from school right now, so I'll let him know.

Me: Or you could just run over him.

My Kids' Step-Dad: Well, I would, but I'm parked.

Me: Wait, nevermind. Funeral costs would probably be pretty high and I don't want to have to pay for that.

My Kids' Step-Dad (handing off the phone): Did you hear that Togers? High funeral costs are the only thing that's keeping you alive right now.

Togers: That, and [Step-Dad]'s too scared to run over me.

I met my wife at a party where I drank too much, my son is married and tells me we don't talk enough

I was talking to my ex-wife the other day, and she told me they'd been teasing Mr. M. all day about his new girlfriend. His pre-school teacher had the kids in the class pair up and hold hands while they did one of their activities. Upon hearing that, I told my ex to put him on the phone.


Me: [Mr. M.], do you have a girlfriend?

Mr. M.: Her not my girlfriend. Her my friend.

Me: Did you hold her hand?

Mr. M.: Yeah.

Me: Then you're married.

Mr. M.: No. We're not.

Me: Yes you are. It's a Utah state law that if you hold a girl's hand you're married to her.

Mr. M.: That's not true.

Me: Yes it is, and you're a real jerk for not inviting me to your wedding.

When you're fallin' behind in this big blue world

Last night, a little after 9:00, my phone rang.

Me: Hello?

Girl: Hi. Are you busy right now?

Me: That depends. If by busy you mean lying on the couch, checking myspace and eating Swedish fish, then yeah, I'm totally swamped.

Back in the summer of '75 when it felt so good just to be alive

HIghlights from a phone conversation I just had with an old friend from high school:

Him: How the hell did you guys let that happen to you?
Me: Let what happen?
Him: Kids!
Me: Well, let me explain something to you. A guy has something called a penis. A woman has something called a vagina. Sometimes, when those two things come into contact, a baby gets made.
Him: I'm not talking about that part. I'm talking about being careful. You have to be careful. I've always been careful. I have a baloney sandwich in my refrigerator. A baloney sandwich!!! I can't even take care of myself, let alone a kid.


Me: I go in for my steroid shot tomorrow morning.
Him: Is that going to make your balls shrink?
Me: I hope not.
Him: It is. It's going to make your balls shrink.
Me: Well, then I'll have to do something else to make sure they stay big.
Him: No you don't. You don't need big balls anymore. You've already got three kids.


Him: What are your plans for the day?
Me: Well, first I have to get out of bed. Then I have to clean a little because the friends I'm house-sitting before are coming home today.
Him: Clean? It's not even your house. What do you have to clean?
Me: I don't have to do much. Just change the cats' litter box, do the dishes, stuff like that.
Him: Do the dishes? What are you, gay?


Him: I kind of get tired about the lack of culture around here.
Me: Yeah?
Him: Yeah. Around here people think culture is eating Mexican food from Taco Bell.


Him: It kills me that you all got married. I'm the only one that never got a degree. Never got married. Never had kids.
Me: Ah, but that just means you've been able to sleep with more women. How many are you up to now?
Him: Wait, do hookers count?
Me: Sure.
Him: Ok. Seventy.

But that's not why I'm here, I came down here to tell you it rains in heaven all day long

My ex-wife's birthday was yesterday. I called her when I left work to let her know that I hoped she was having a good one. However, I didn't recognize the voice of the person who answered the phone when I called.

Me: Hello?
Them: Hello.
Me: Who is this?
Them: It's [11 year old son]*.
Me: Oh, ok. Why do you sound weird?
Him (see how I just switched that? Mind blowing, I know!): I don't know.
Me: Maybe it's just because you are weird.
Him: That's something we ought to look into.
Me: I don't think there's any need. I think the evidence is pretty conclusive.
Him: (laughing)
Me: It's sort of like global warming. You still might get some idiots who say the jury's still out, but the data's in, and it's a fact.

I'm such a great father.






*I really ought to come up with some code names for my kids so that I can just use those instead of these ugly brackets.

Heretoforeafter I will refer to my children as follows:
13 year old daughter = Tortellini**
11 year old son = Togers***
5 year old son = Bill****

I hope you can all remember these.

**This is a nickname that I called her from the time she was one until she was in second or third grade. It died off a little as she got older, but I still use it from time to time.

***Comes from a conversation I had with him when he was four and I called his name.
Him: That's not my name.
Me: Oh yeah? What's your name then?
Him: My name's Togers.
Me: Ok. If you say so.

****In a move that is eerily similar to what I said above about my other son, a few months ago my five year old informed his mother that she was to call him Bill from then on. It didn't stick, but it works for my purposes.

So don't waste your time filling up my words, don't tell me why I assume the worst

A phone call I made yesterday morning:

Me: Does [Sister-in-Law] send you all these text messages too, or does she only send them to me?

Epitome of Sweetness: I get them sometimes. Why? Did she just send one?

Me: Yeah.

Epitome of Sweetness: Then no, I didn't get it.

Me: Well, I figured I'd call you to find out since I was complaining about it the other day.

Epitome of Sweetness: What did it say?

Me: Hold on. I'll read it to you.

"U will get kissed on friday by a person who thinks ur cute &tomorrow will b da best day of yr life. if u send to ten people =)"

Epitome of Sweetness: That just means CSI Girl is coming down to see you. You WILL be kissed by someone.


For those who don't know the story about CSI Girl, you can read about it here, here and here.

Go on and read those. I'll wait.

Ok, now that you're back, I'm terribly sorry that I took the pictures she sent down. I searched all over my hard drive for them to repost too, but then I remembered that I deleted them because in the event that someone else looked through my hard drive I didn't want them thinking that was the kind of girl I was into. That's when you know it's bad.

(But if you absolutely must have a mental image, just picture this in your head: A girl with stringy, greasy brown hair kneeling on a messed up bed wearing a CSI baseball cap [crooked], black stretch pants, a pleather jacket unzipped with no shirt, just a red bra underneath. Also, know that she had pasty white skin, love handles, and the overall look of a meth addict.)

----------------------UPDATE----------------------

You're all in luck! Or maybe not, but my sister saved the pics last time I posted them, so here they are again for your viewing pleasure (or horror, I'm not sure which - actually, I am sure. It's the latter).

Freaker right by the speaker

Yesterday I spoke to my brother, Dr. Psycho, on the phone:

Him: I just bought myself some roller blades.
Me: You did?
Him: Yeah.
Me: You know what the hardest thing about roller blading is, don’t you?
Him: Nothing.
Me: No, it’s telling your parents* you’re gay.
Him: Whatever. There's a nice little path by my house where I can go.
Me: See? It's true. If you roller blade, you're gay.
Him: Screw you . . . You're a freak.






*Mom, Dad, I'm sorry you had to find out about him this way.

Professor, what's another name for pirate treasure?

Friend: I told [Her Mom] to stop giving [Her] money all the time because all she does is use it to pay for her booty calls.

Me: Hmmm. See if you can get [Her Mom] to start paying for mine.

Lucky ones are we all 'til it is over

Since I haven't been very good about keeping everyone updated on the situation with my daughter's eye, everything looks to be fine now. She still has several check-ups that she'll have to go to, and there are some potential problems down the road that we may run into (she's more prone to glaucoma now, but there's nothing that can be done about it other than to keep screening for it and try to catch it early), but considering she could have lost her vision completely, we feel like we got real lucky. She still has to take it easy for a couple of weeks, but the doctor has cleared her to go back to school on Monday (but no gym class - she's not too upset about that), and to travel to Grandma and Grandpa's house for Thanksgiving.

The kids are excited that they get to see their grandparents again. I don't know how I let it get this long, but the last time was about five months ago. But they're not the only ones excited to be going there. While I'll be happy to see my family again, I'm also excited about getting out of my ex-wife's house after staying here for nearly a week. It's not that we don't get along, because we do, probably better now than we ever did when we were married, but I start getting antsy after spending more than a couple of days anywhere that isn't my house. While my parents' house isn't mine, it'll still be a change of scenery, so that'll be nice.

A couple of days ago I was talking to someone on the phone and happened to mention where I was staying.

Him: That's got to be pretty awkward.
Me: You'd think so, but it's really not that bad. We get along pretty well now.
Him: Well, if you need somewhere else to stay, you can always come stay here.
Me: I know, but it's easier if I just stay here. Plus, that gives me more time with my kids.
Him: Alright, but I don't to hear about any menage a trois breaking out between the three of you.
Me: I think you're safe there. If I were going to do that, there wouldn't be another guy involved, and it sure as hell wouldn't be with my ex-wife.
Him: Ok. Just checkin'.

Like a rickshaw gettin' pulled around by another rickshaw

Me: So, did you ask her out yet?
Friend: No, not yet.
Me: What are you waiting for? That girl's hot.
Friend: Rogue Wave is playing here on Friday. Maybe I'll ask her if she wants to go to that with me.
Me: What's this maybe? Do it. If you don't, I'm going to have to fly out there and take away your man card.
Friend: You'll come out here and cockblock me? Is that what you're saying?
Me: Yes. I'll do it too. My mojo's been working lately.

Grandma take me home

Me: What did your grandma get you for your birthday?
Son: Her dead.
Me: What?
Son: HER DEAD!!!
Me: No, not that grandma, your other one.
Son: Oh, great grandma?
Me: No, Grandma [Inside Stories].
Son: Oh. I thought you meant the other one.


If I had been talking to anyone else, I would have had to say, "No, retard, I meant the only grandma who sent you a present!" But, since he's my son, and he's so cute, and only five, I just had to laugh.


(She gave him a remote control car. My ex-wife says he loves it and won't stop playing with it.)

While I down Kentucky bourbon I am waiting for a call

I woke up yesterday feeling nauseous, so I spent the morning lying in bed watching The Godfather instead of going to work. Then I realized that I had some important stuff to take care of and that I had to go to work anyway. At least for a couple of hours.

Almost as soon as I sat down at my desk my phone rang. It was one of my friends.

Him: Hey man, how are you doing?
Me: Not so great. I've been sick today.
Him: Really? What do you have?
Me: Nothing major. I think I just ate something that didn't agree with me last night.
Him: Was it semen?
Me (dryly): No.
Him: Oh, that's right. That agrees with you.
Me: You're such a dick. What do you want?