Back in the summer of '75 when it felt so good just to be alive

HIghlights from a phone conversation I just had with an old friend from high school:

Him: How the hell did you guys let that happen to you?
Me: Let what happen?
Him: Kids!
Me: Well, let me explain something to you. A guy has something called a penis. A woman has something called a vagina. Sometimes, when those two things come into contact, a baby gets made.
Him: I'm not talking about that part. I'm talking about being careful. You have to be careful. I've always been careful. I have a baloney sandwich in my refrigerator. A baloney sandwich!!! I can't even take care of myself, let alone a kid.


Me: I go in for my steroid shot tomorrow morning.
Him: Is that going to make your balls shrink?
Me: I hope not.
Him: It is. It's going to make your balls shrink.
Me: Well, then I'll have to do something else to make sure they stay big.
Him: No you don't. You don't need big balls anymore. You've already got three kids.


Him: What are your plans for the day?
Me: Well, first I have to get out of bed. Then I have to clean a little because the friends I'm house-sitting before are coming home today.
Him: Clean? It's not even your house. What do you have to clean?
Me: I don't have to do much. Just change the cats' litter box, do the dishes, stuff like that.
Him: Do the dishes? What are you, gay?


Him: I kind of get tired about the lack of culture around here.
Me: Yeah?
Him: Yeah. Around here people think culture is eating Mexican food from Taco Bell.


Him: It kills me that you all got married. I'm the only one that never got a degree. Never got married. Never had kids.
Me: Ah, but that just means you've been able to sleep with more women. How many are you up to now?
Him: Wait, do hookers count?
Me: Sure.
Him: Ok. Seventy.

The party's crashing us now

Things that people have suggested that I do while staying in my friends' house:

- Eat all their candy.
- Sit on their couch naked.
- Shart on their pillows after eating beef stew.
- Kill the cat that meows all the time.
- Rub stay hard cream* in every pair of my friend's underwear.
- Give stay hard cream to the cats** in lieu of their hairball medication.

So far I've only been working on the first one. It looks as though I'm up for a busy weekend.





*Not meant to imply that he has (or needs) any stay hard cream. I was told to pick some up because that would be funny. If I thought it would actually work, I'd be a lot more tempted to do it.

**Too bad only one of them is male, and he doesn't need hairball medication.

It's so cold in this house, open mouth swallowing us

As I mentioned before, I'm house-sitting this week. My friends told me to use anything I needed while I was here. My head nearly exploded when I found a huge bag of candy.

So I sent a text message:

Me: Uh oh. I just saw that candy stash. I don't know if I have enough self control for there to be any left when you get home.

Him: Dig in. [Wife]'s butt will be grateful.

Her: Thanks for saving my ass. I don't need to be eating it, but I can't bring myself to throw it out. Could you throw that much candy away?

Me: There's no way I could do that!

Her: I know! So eat it. That way I know it's not being wasted.

I don't need to be eating it either. Especially since I weigh more than I ever have before, but I'm not going to let that stop me.

Happy hours, golden showers, on a cruise to freak you out

I'm house-sitting for a couple that I'm friends with this week while they're playing in the snow at Lake Tahoe. I'm jealous. They told me I should come up for a few days, and I'd like to, but I can't travel that far anyway. Before they left they had me come over so they could show me where everything was, how to change the cats' litter box, etc. As they were showing me around, we had the following conversation:

Her: [One of Three Cats] likes to go with you when you go to the bathroom. He likes to watch. But he doesn't like golden showers, so don't even think about it.

Me: Gross. I wouldn't. Even if it was a really hot girl who wanted me to, I wouldn't do that.

Her: Not even for a million dollars?

Me: Oh, for a million dollars I would. I'd do anything for a million dollars.

Her: What if it was for a jellyfish sting?

Me: Then I probably would, but that's different.

Him: What does that mean?

Me: What? A jellyfish sting?

Him: Yeah. I don't know what that means.

Me: We're talking about an actual jellyfish sting. It's not a euphemism for anything.

I'm guessing that means I throw out euphemisms a little too often since he automatically assumes that's what I'm talking about. However, with the jellyfish sting, I'm thinking it could work as one. Just give me a little time to think about it.