I believe there's a way to shut the things you don't need out

Yesterday I went to some hot springs with a few friends. One of them had apparently been having boy problems for the past week or so. When we were on the way home she started talking about changes in her life and how they've affected her personality.

"I feel like there are two of me. The old me, who is like this good little Catholic school girl, and the new me, who tries to sleep with every guy she meets."

Another friend said, "I feel like there probably ought to be a third option in there somewhere."

I added, "Yeah, maybe like a version of you that only sleeps with half the guys she meets."

Flip flop flip flop flip

Wednesday afternoon I was walking Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend to her class.

GWWBMGF: I'm going to be late.

Me: No you're not. You have plenty of time.

GWWBMGF: Not when I have to walk this slow. My feet hurt from walking around in these heels all day at work.

Me: You should keep some flip-flops in your car. Then you could just change into them when you get to campus.

GWWBMGF: You say that every day.

Me: I mean it every day.

GWWBMGF: Well, do you have any flip-flops*? No. So it's really not that helpful.

Me: I'm just sayin'.

A few minutes later we arrived at her classroom.

GWWBMGF: Alright, I have to go. I'm late.

Me: No you're not. You've still got six minutes.

GWWBMGF: Oh. So you're right.

Me: Of course I am. You should believe me more often. I am a doctor**.











* The next time I saw her I handed her a pair of flip-flops and said, "See? This is why you should love me."

** That will never get old. It almost makes getting this Ph D worth it. Almost.

The Junky Jews Sing The Blues

In the cabin last weekend:

Guy 1: You're really not a very good Jew, are you?

Guy 2: I'm not a Jew.

Guy 1: As I understand Judaism, if your mother is a Jew, that makes you a Jew.

Guy 2: One of my moms is a Jew. My mom's lesbian lover is a Jew. I don't carry her mitochondrial DNA, so I'm not Jewish.



They came to me for a decision. You know, because I am so very wise. Much like King Solomon.



Me: Are they married?

Guy 2: Yes. In the state of California.

Me: Do you call her Mom?

Guy 2: Yes.

Me: You're a Jew.

Guy 2: But I don't know the kosher way to kill a sheep. And I've never stood at the Weeping Wall.

Guy 1: It's the Wailing Wall, you jackass. You're a bad Jew.

The mistake at the beginning of thinking love will stay bright and shiny new

Here's some relationship advice from the last person in the world who ought to be giving relationship advice, but whatev.

You don't get to complain that your significant other doesn't treat you very well if you tell others that he's "a fucking pussy" and call him things like "fuckface" or "fucking retard" when he does something a little differently than you would.

You can't have a mouth like that and expect to be treated like a princess. It just doesn't work that way.