Forget about feelings, that's not what pays

Student (about to turn in his lab final): How can we find out our grades?

Me: I'll have them posted outside the lab sometime tomorrow.

Student: Is there any chance for extra credit?

Me: No.

Student: You need your car washed or anything?

Me: No.

Student: Need a tall blonde girl? I could see about sending a hottie your way.

Me: No, I think I'm good.

Another student approached me and said that the one who made the "offer" shoots porno films.

Which means he probably could've delivered the goods.

Which means . . .

WHAT WAS I THINKING???

Every form of refuge has its price

Last weekend I learned that you should never offer someone a dollar amount that you don't really want to pay them to do something unless you're certain that they won't do it.

One of my friends had a pool party at her house the other day, and a lot of the people I work with showed up with their families. It was fun, but as soon as I walked out and sat by the pool, one of the teenagers came up and rubbed cheese all over my back. Not cool. I told him I was going to pay him back, and the first opportunity I got, I threw him in the pool - fully dressed.

He changed clothes and put the wet ones in the dryer, then changed back when they had fully dried. Later he was standing by the pool again, and so I told a girl that was the same age as him that I'd give her $20 to go push him in. I did so thinking that she was a nice girl, and wouldn't want to do it, but I forgot how much $20 is to a 15 year old. Everyone has their price, so she went and did it.

I don't regret it. I just wonder if I could have gotten her to do it for $10.

I triple dog dare you

The other day I was talking to some of my friends about tattoos. I know a lot of people who have been getting them, or are at least seriously thinking about it. I've thought about it, but I really can't think of anything that I'd want permanently placed on my body. Maybe a fish of some sort, but I don't know what species I'd want, what size I'd want it to be, or where on my body I'd put it. Plus there's the fact that I would undoubtedly find something that I didn't necessarily like about the art, and it would bother me for the rest of my life. Yeah, I don't really think I'm a tattoo type of guy.

A few of the guys in my lab are from Texas, and one of them has a hitch cover on his vehicle that is an outline of the state of Texas (or The Republic as he likes to call it) that has been painted to look like the Texas flag. That's the thing about Texans, they're very proud of where they come from, and they aren't shy about letting the world know. Just like the saying goes, "You can always tell a Texan, you just can't tell him much." During our conversation I told him that I thought he should get the symbol from his hitch cover tattooed on his shoulder.

Him: "Ok. As long as you get a tattoo of the state of Utah, or maybe like a beehive or something, but you have to go first."

This is what I came up with:


















I'll give $5 to anyone who gets this tattooed on their shoulder. I'll up it to $10 if you've never lived in Utah, $20 if you don't live in Utah and you aren't mormon, and $50 if you do live in Utah and aren't mormon, but I'm going to need to see the evidence before I shell out the cash.

The semester of bribes

There's a sense of desperation coming from my students as the semester is coming to a close. Those who haven't been doing well are starting to sense the finality of the situation, and are hoping to be able to come up with extra points. The bad part for them is that the only way to do that is to get perfect scores from here on out because there are no extra credit opportunities.

The first bribe offer came a few weeks ago when a student of mine flashed me a wad of cash while he was taking a midterm. I didn't see exactly how much, but it was more than $100, and while he presented it as a joke, I think he would have given it to me if I had wanted to take it.

Then the other night while I was teaching I had the following conversation with a student:

Her: "Do you offer any chances for extra credit?"
Me: "No, sorry."
Her: "Why not?"
Me: "I don't have the authority to do that, it's up to the professor."
Her: "Well I think you should. I'll hook you up with my sister if you do."