You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo

I woke up this morning and went to eat a bowl of cereal. As you know, I'm basically a child when it comes to my diet, so I reached for my box of Reese's Puffs and noticed that my roommate had taken it upon himself to complete a fill-in-the-blank rap on the back of the box.



In case you can't see it on the picture, I've transcribed the text below. The underlined bits are where Roommate filled in the blanks with his lyrics. (Mad-Libs: They're not just for kids anymore!)

My Reese's Puffs Rap

That peanut butter chocolate Mother Fucker
Is the shit that I fuck that makes me cream
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs, in your bowl, in your bowl

Recognize the taste that I shit on your plate
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs,
Wow peanut butter chocolate motherfucker

So crucial to my pussy ass vernacular
That peanut butter jizz is oh so spectacular!
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs

My Reese's Puffs are up in your rectum
Each peanut butter orb is fucking balls deep
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs, in your bowl
In your bowl. Watch me creep . . . Mother Fucker!



I don't know about you, but I think this baby is going platinum.

Hooray for boobies

I got a new roommate this week. His parents came with him to help him move his stuff in. I helped too. When we finished unloading everything, we went to get some lunch.

His mom was wearing a Chicago t-shirt. As we were finishing eating, I looked over and noticed that something had dripped onto her chest.

Me: Um. You've got something on your . . . Chicago, there.

She wiped it off.

My Roommate: Why are you staring at my mom's boobs?

Me: What do you want from me? She's hot, okay?

Roommate's Dad: Did you see how fast she wiped it up? She didn't even give me a chance to lick if off.


I think this roommate situation is going to work out alright.

I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity who uses a machete to cut through red tape

My Roommate's Son: Have you met my aunt?

Me: No. Is she hot?

Son: Why do you always ask that?

Me: I just want to know.

Son: Well, people say she's pretty.

Me: Good to know. Does she put out?

Son: She's my aunt *punches me in the arm* and she's happily married.

Me: So? Rings come off. Besides, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, remember?

Son: What would my dad say if you said that to him?

Me: He'd probably think it was funny.

Later when his dad got home I told him the story:

Him: That's pretty funny.

Me: See? I told you he wouldn't care.

Him: Maybe I should invite her out for a visit.

Son: How can you say that? It's your sister.

Him (to son): It's not my decision if they do anything, it's up to them. They're adults.

Him (to me): But I'd be happy for you.

Son: Arrgh!!!

Well I can tell you for the money the simple life honey is good

When I got out of bed this morning, my roommate was standing right outside my bedroom door folding laundry. It startled me to walk out of my room and almost bump into him because I wasn't expecting him to be standing there.

Him: I'm sorry. Was I being too loud?
Me: No. I just didn't realize you were out here because I didn't hear you at all.
Him: Well, I had to be quiet so as not to disturb the princess.

I'm sure his comment had nothing to do with this:



One of my friends gave it to me last night along with a couple bags of candy (my friends know me so well).

By the way, thank you all for the birthday wishes yesterday.

Bow wow wow yippee-o yippee-ay

Tonight I was watching t.v. when my roommate's son came into the room and started harrassing the dog (he kept grabbing the dog's back legs while it was trying to walk).

Me: Dude, quit trying to hump the dog.
Him: You're the one who likes beastiality.
Me: I do?
Him: Yeah.
Me: And why would that be?
Him: Because I saw you watching beastiality porn on the internet.
Me: Yeah, and I saw you IN IT.

I would feel bad about giving the kid so much crap, but believe me, he gives as much as he gets.

I'd stay alert, and dress to kill, I might even slip you something

My roommate told me a few weeks ago that his ex-wife was going to be coming into town so that she could visit their son for a couple of weeks. He wanted to make sure that it was ok with me before he told her she could because she's going to be staying at the house (he's going to go stay with some friends, he just didn't want to make her pay for a hotel room for two weeks).

He said that it would be toward the end of October, but that was the last I heard about it. The other night I asked his son if his mom was still coming to visit.

Me: Is your mom still coming? Your dad said it would be the end of the month, and it's the end of the month now, so I was just wondering.
Him: Yeah, but I don't know when. She's supposed to call and let me know.
Me: Good. I can't wait to put the moves on her.
Him: You're an asshole.
Me: You can't talk to me like that, I could be your new step dad.

A little while later I was getting my dinner out of the microwave (Wolfgang Puck's clam chowder - mmmmm) and decided to keep it going:

Me: Seriously, is your mom hot?
Him: Arrrgh. I don't know. She's pretty, but she's my mom.
Me: Good. She's pretty. That's all I need to know. She already has a kid so I know she puts out.
Him: You asshole. You know she's going through a divorce.
Me: I know. That's why she's going to need someone who can take her mind off things.
Him: . . .

Then, last night, we were watching t.v. and a commercial for Bailey's Irish Creme came on.

Me: I can't wait until your mom gets here and I can get her drunk.
Him (trying to get back at me): I can't wait until your daughter comes next time, so I can try and get her drunk.
Me: She's only twelve, so that makes you a pedophile. I guess it's true what they say about you after all.

Sometimes it can be so fun to be a jerk.

I swear I'm gonna bite you hard and taste your tinny blood

Lately the subject of my first job has been coming up in conversation. Most recently it was because my roommate's son was talking about how his summer job (also his first) didn't really pay that much because he only got $2000 for a month's worth of work. Now, maybe it's because I'm getting old, but that seems like it's a lot of money for a 15 year old to make. In fact, I know people with families to support that barely make that much in a month, so I told him he shouldn't be complaining and he should just be grateful that his dad had arranged for him to work such a good job (it was doing lab work on campus, which is much better than flipping burgers).

I know that things have changed in the financial world since I was a kid, but I believe I had to work for a couple of hours after school for almost an entire year in order to make $2000. Not only that, but my job was to clean up a meat packing plant after the day's slaughter. Sound like fun? Didn't think so. Looking back it was hardly worth whatever I was making, but it was a job and it put some money in my pocket, so I was glad to have it.

One of the drawbacks of my first job (aside from the fact that I was cleaning a freaking meat packing plant) was that it ruined cherry pie for me for quite some time, the reason being that when they would kill a cow they would have to let it bleed out, and the floor would be covered in what looked just like cherry pie filling, except it wasn't. Not only did it look disgusting, but it smelled disgusting. For any of you who have never smelled death (and I know you're out there from previous comments), there's a very thick metallic smell that comes along with large volumes of blood. This smell had seared itself into my brain, and every time I'd see cherry pie, the smell would come back and haunt me, at least for a while. As with all things, when you see something often enough, you become desensitized to it, and I got back to where I could enjoy all my desserts once again. Whew!

So I know what you're all thinking. You can't believe that I would slaughter an innocent little cow, just so I could take a picture of it's coagulated blood for my blog post. Don't worry. I made it into a nice tasty blood cobbler.

(Ok, fine, it's really just cherries after all)

And I'm losing all those stupid games that I swore I'd never play

This weekend was not the most productive weekend I've ever had, that much is certain. I started it off with the best intentions, but got sidetracked along the way. Right around lunch time on Saturday I decided to buy a new television set for my bedroom. It wasn't a spur of the moment decision per se, but let's just say I didn't do a whole lot of price comparisons before making my purchase.

Allow me to give you a little background as to why I deemed this to be so important at this point in time. When I first moved into the house in which I now live, my roommate only had a small 13" TV/VCR combo in the living room. Since my TV was a lot bigger we decided to hook it up downstairs (call me crazy, but I actually like to be able to see the picture from across the room). I was fine with it, especially since he told me to take his smaller TV into my room because we were using mine downstairs. This worked out perfectly because it gave my kids an out of the way place to play X-Box when they came to visit, plus I could watch DVDs in my room if I wanted some privacy.

Now, therein lies the problem. It was a good set-up until his son moved in with us and I made the mistake of telling him that he could play my X-Box if he wanted to. It started off being ok, but then it evolved into him playing my games all the time, and once he passed those he started renting and even buying games of his own. It got to the point where I could hardly even go into my own bedroom without having to tell a 15 year old boy to leave so I could change my clothes or read. I'm normally pretty easy to get along with, but I think that was a bit too much.

Last week my roommate's son bought an X-Box 360, and hooked it up in my bedroom. That was kind of the last straw, so I told him to take the TV and hook it up in his room because I was going to buy a new one. He still didn't do it because "He didn't want to take the TV out of my room in case I wanted to watch some of my DVDs." Hence, I bought a TV so that could no longer be an excuse (later I found out the real reason he didn't want to move it was because he didn't want to have to rearrange his bedroom to fit a TV in there).

Needless to say, shopping for (and the hooking up of) my new TV took more of my day than I had anticipated, so I didn't get as much reading done as I would have liked. But at least I got my room back, and that's definitely worth it.

Yesterday I actually did get a lot done. I finished up a new draft of my research proposal, and I'm starting to be happy with it, but I had to go home before 6 o'clock so I could catch the season finales of Deadwood and Entourage (two of my favorite shows right now). Once those were over I went up to my room to try and get some reading done. Here's what transpired:
















Maybe I should have held off on buying the TV until after my comps.

Every form of refuge has its price

Last weekend I learned that you should never offer someone a dollar amount that you don't really want to pay them to do something unless you're certain that they won't do it.

One of my friends had a pool party at her house the other day, and a lot of the people I work with showed up with their families. It was fun, but as soon as I walked out and sat by the pool, one of the teenagers came up and rubbed cheese all over my back. Not cool. I told him I was going to pay him back, and the first opportunity I got, I threw him in the pool - fully dressed.

He changed clothes and put the wet ones in the dryer, then changed back when they had fully dried. Later he was standing by the pool again, and so I told a girl that was the same age as him that I'd give her $20 to go push him in. I did so thinking that she was a nice girl, and wouldn't want to do it, but I forgot how much $20 is to a 15 year old. Everyone has their price, so she went and did it.

I don't regret it. I just wonder if I could have gotten her to do it for $10.

'Cause a brother like me don't date

My roommate was heading out on a date the other night. As he was getting ready to leave he came down the stairs and asked "Do you think these pants are too nice for this shirt?"

I replied "Not at all, I think it looks fine. Of course, that's coming from a guy who can't get a chick to save his life, so I'm not sure how much stock you should put into that opinion."

I will only complicate you

My car battery died the other day. It wasn't a big deal, in fact I consider myself lucky that my battery has lasted this long. The Vegas heat is very tough on them, and the average life is around two years. I've had mine almost four. The only bad thing was that I didn't have the time to deal with it right then, so had a friend give me a ride to work. The next day my roommate let me borrow his old car so that I could get to work and then have something to run around in to take care of fixing my car. I appreciate his kindness, but let's just say that a Metro is not going to be high on my list the next time I'm looking to buy a new car (as an aside, my roommate told me that he had to drive it somewhere the other day and thought to himself "I can't believe I used to drive this piece of shit.").

I left work early that day and drove the Metro back home and jump started my car so I could drive it to Sears and get a new battery (and no, the irony is not lost on me considering my post a few days ago where I was complaining about chain stores taking over - especially since the reason I went there was so that I could get a good warranty that would follow me wherever I end up). They replaced it no problem and I was on my way with only one glitch: The CD player wasn't working.

Anybody who knows me knows that this is a big deal. I must have my music. I tried putting the face on a few different times, in case it was a bad connection, but it still didn't work. It dawned on me that I may have blown a fuse when I jumped my car, so decided to check the fuses. But they were all fine. I started getting nervous then, and figured I'd have to take it to a car audio place so that they could fix what was wrong.

Then I decided to try the power button. It's amazing what those things can do.

Got a great car, yeah what's wrong with it today?

This morning I was watching a soccer game with my roommate when a commercial came on for the new VW Jetta. I commented that it was a good looking car, and he said "tell me about it, and it's got the same engine as my Audi. I found that out after I bought it. It would have probably saved me a substantial amount of money, but then again, everyone's driving a VW these days."

I have another friend who maintains that any guy who drives a VW is gay. This came up the other day while I was riding with him and we pulled up next to two guys in a VW Cabrio at a stoplight. While I don't necessarily agree with him on that (although a case could be made for guys who drive VW Bugs, Mazda Miatas and Mini Coopers), I have held to the notion that the Jetta is a 'hot chick car' for a long time. If you see one on the road and look at who is driving it, more often that not it'll be a good looking girl (note: this is based strictly on anecdotal evidence). When I told all this to my roommate, he agreed and was reassured in his choice of vehicle (ok, so I don't know about the reassurance part, but he did agree with me on the 'hot chick' part).

I wonder if this stereotype seems to be more prevalent than just within my circle of friends. I do know a few straight men who drive VWs. They have all been accused of being gay at some point, sometimes by people who don't even know what they drive. One of my old neighbors was one such example. He was in law school while I was working on my bachelor's degree. He drove a black Jetta, knew a lot about food and decorating, and even had a rather effeminite voice. People were always joking with him about that, asking "Are you sure you're not gay?" any time he commented about something in those areas. For the record, he wasn't.

(as an aside, his wife drove a Kia Sportage. It was a good car for a college student, especially one with a family (they had two kids). There were enough seatbelts, it was easy to load kids into, plus it had four wheel drive for driving in winter. However, just the fact that a vehicle like that has four wheel drive does not make it anything more than a Kia. Every time they were getting ready to go somewhere, she would call out "boys, go get in the Jeep." I never actually corrected her on this, but every time she did it I'd cringe, and a little part of me would die.)

Now accepting applications

My roommate just bought a new Audi A3. He needed help getting both his vehicles back from the dealer, so I got to drive it back to the house.


I'm in love. It is now more important than ever for me to find a sugar mama who will buy me something like this. This car is amazing! You can email me your applications - there is no deadline. The position will remain open until filled.

Trying to tell me something?

I might be a supplementary character in a new horror movie. I haven't seen the cameras, but when I got out of the shower this morning I saw that someone had written "Eduardo will eat your eyes" on the mirror.

I can't think of another logical explanation for that.

Am I really such a wimp?

It's bad enough that I wonder about my emotional stability at times, but apparently I'm not the only one. My roommate's 15 year old son took it upon himself to break my balls yesterday(to use a Sopranos term - hey, the new season starts in a month).

Him: "What's the worst pain you've ever felt?"
Me: "The worst pain I've ever felt? Hmmmm, let me think."
Him: "And I'm not talking about emotional pain. I don't want you to break down or anything."

For the record, he's only seen me cry twice. Once when I got dumped, and once when I found out my ex-mother-in-law was going to die.

I eventually decided it would probably be the two months leading up to my back surgery - when I could hardly walk.