Ten second news

I have a friend who just published a fairly high profile paper. He's had a few different reporters request interviews with him about it. I dropped by his office the other day to say hi, and he was waiting for one of these reporters to arrive. He and I chatted for a few minutes, then the reporter and cameraman showed up.

I got up to leave. The cameraman said, "We don't want to run you off. Go ahead and have a seat."

"That's okay. I should probably get back to work anyway."

My friend at least took the time to introduce me to the cameraman and the reporter*.

She shook my hand and said, "It's nice to meet you. You know, for some reason you look really familiar to me. Have we met before?"

I shook my head no and said, "It's probably just because I look like Bill Clinton," then I walked out the door.

Let her report about meeting Bill Clinton's love child.









*She was hot, by the way. I should've stuck around for the interview.

Hate me, do it and do it again

Girl 1: I knew a lot of girls in school that were skanks but claimed to be virgins. How can you still call yourself a virgin if you've done everything else?

Me: That all depends on what your definition of sex is. My doppelganger has argued that oral doesn't count. Does it?

Girl 1: Of course it counts.

Girl 2: I agree with her. After all, if I were to shove a cookie* in your mouth that you didn't want, then I technically raped you.

Me: Well, that would assume there'd be a cookie in this world that I wouldn't want in my mouth.

Guy: True. You can't rape the willing.










* In this case the cookie is not a metaphor.

I hate you, talking to myself, everybody's staring at me

Those of you who are on facebook know that just about everybody has been posting pictures of their celebrity doppelgangers. Mine was a no brainer.



But hands down, the one that caught me the most off guard was posted by one of my friends (who happens to be white).



That picture is wrong on so many levels. I shouldn't have laughed, but I did.

Here he comes again, my evil twin

I dressed up as Bill Clinton for Halloween. Alas, I didn't have someone with me dressed as Monica, but I did buy some cigars and rented a pretty cool saxophone to complete the outfit. The costume was a smashing success judging by the number of people who commented.

I went with a few friends to Fremont Street. We parked the car, and walked past the Greyhound bus station where all the crackheads called out to me: "Hey Bill! Tell me the truth, did you inhale?" I wanted to tell them, "No, and you shouldn't have either," but instead said, "I did just once, but don't tell anybody." The crackheads really seemed to love that. They would.

As soon as we stepped onto the pedestrian walkway, a go-go dancer spotted me, stopped dancing and called out to me. My friends told me I should have gone up and posed for a picture with her, but I didn't feel like maneuvering my way through the crowd. In hindsight, I kind of regret it, because she was hot. Oh well.

After that, my friends made me walk ahead of them so that they could watch people react to seeing me. I couldn't walk ten feet without someone calling out to me to say something. "Hey, Bill! I'd vote for you again right now if I could." "Bill, where's Monica?" But perhaps my favorite was when someone came up to Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend and said, "We know he didn't inhale, but did you swallow?" I guess it didn't matter that she wasn't dressed up as Monica, she got to be my Monica anyway.

It was a small taste of what it'd probably be like to be a celebrity. I probably had thirty people ask me to pose for pictures with them. One guy asked if I'd take a picture with his wife, but then asked if "I could put a little something on her blue collar." I posed for a picture with another guy only to look down after his friend snapped the shot to see that a girl had snuck into the frame and acted like she was performing oral on me. Another time I started to walk off after posing for a picture with one lady, but she grabbed my arm and asked for another one, and added "Only this time, could you place the cigar 'down there?'" Shortly after that I accidentally broke my cigar in half. Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend didn't have much sympathy: "That's what you get for being disgusting."

I posed for a picture with a religious guy who was holding a sign that read "Sexual sin leads to Satan." His wasn't meant to be a costume, but he seemed to appreciate the humor.

Another guy was holding a sign with questions written on it, and asked me if I wanted to take an IQ test. I agreed to, so he asked me to read the questions and then answer them.

Q1: How many of each animal did Moses have on the ark?
My Answer: Two.
His Answer: Wrong. Moses didn't take any animals on the ark, it was Noah.
(I decided to pay closer attention to the questions after that - After all, I couldn't allow myself to fail an IQ test.)

Him: Spell the word silk.
Me: S-i-l-k
Q2: What do cows drink?
My Answer: Water.
Him: Alright, good job.

Q3: Is it ever possible to end a sentence with the word "the"?
My Answer: Yes. You just did.
Him: Wow, good job, Bill. I'm impressed.

There were more questions than that, but I don't remember what they were. I did get them all right. He complimented me on doing so well. I said, "Well, you don't get to be president if you can't get shit like this correct."

Then he started preaching to me.

Him: Bill, have you ever lied?
Me: No. Well, there was that one time, about the whole Lewinsky thing.
Him: Have you ever stolen anything?
Me: No.
Him: Never? Not even something when you were a little kid?
Me: Nope. You don't get to be president with skeletons like that in your closet.
Him: Have you ever lusted after a woman?
Me: Alright, you got me. Five times.
Him: So by your own admission, you've broken some of God's ten commandments. Do you think you're getting into Heaven?
Me: Yeah, I do.
Him: What makes you think so?
Me: I'm Bill Clinton.

Then I walked away.

All in all, it was a fun night. I left Fremont Street early to go watch a movie at my house with Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend. I thought we'd watch something scary, you know, it being Halloween and all, but when we got to my house she didn't want to see the one I'd rented (Drag Me To Hell), and asked if we could look for something different on HBO On Demand. I thought there would be something like Nightmare Before Christmas, or Coraline, but there wasn't and we ended up watching Marley and Me. And that might be the scariest thing of all. According to my friend, the fact that I watched a "romantic" movie on Halloween indicates that I have a ball and chain even if neither of us admit to it.

Always a swing and a miss

Tonight I was sitting at a table with a group of friends when two guys walked over to our table, apologized for interrupting, but then asked if they could get a picture with me. When I gave them a puzzled look as to why, they said it was because they were in the military and I looked like a young Bill Clinton. I felt ridiculous, but agreed to pose with them.

Then their friends found out, and three more guys came over to see if they could take one too. They even offered to buy me a drink to make up for the fact that they were intruding. I posed with them, but declined any "payment."

They were there celebrating someone's birthday. A few minutes later, birthday girl came over and requested that I come to their table and take a picture with the entire group (about twelve people). I obliged. I was paying more attention to the photographer and to the people surrounding me than I was to the girl herself, so I didn't realize she had leaned over so that her pose simulated her giving me oral. I'm pretty sure that picture is going to be on someone's facebook page. Lovely.

If I had any game whatsoever, I would've at least gotten a number. But I don't. So I didn't even try.

All that you feel is yourself getting old

My sister sent me this card*:





Then, to add insult to injury, someone else saw it and asked how my sister had been able to make a card with my face photoshopped onto Hillary Clinton's body.

The card was a nice gesture, but this was only thing I really wanted.






*Sure the card itself is a little dated since, you know, she lost the election and all, but it is funny in this context.

Now I'm very big I'm a big important man

Last time I went grocery shopping a woman approached me and said, "I'm sure you get this all the time, but has anyone ever told you that you look like our former president?"

I nodded and said, "At least two or three times a week."

"Well, this is going to sound weird, but would it be okay if I took your picture? I want to send it to my sister so I can tell her I met Bill at the grocery store."

I let her. I think it was the highlight of her day.

Maybe I should look into whether there's a big market for Bill Clinton impersonators. It could end up being much more lucrative than the whole 'biology' thing.

Just a face in the crowd

Cashier*: You look like you've got a face that's on TV.

Me: Is that so?

Cashier: Yeah. Have you ever been on TV?

Me: No.

Cashier: Are you sure? Not even in a commercial.

Me: Yeah, I'm pretty sure I've never been on TV.

Cashier: That's weird because I swear I've seen you before.

Me: Maybe you're confusing me with who everyone says I look like.

Cashier: Who do people say you look like?

Me: Bill Clinton.

Cashier: Who's that?

Me: Our former president.

Cashier: Oh.


Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the people of Las Vegas, Nevada.





*This actually happened a month or so ago, but apparently I never got around to blogging about it. Until now.

You can go ahead and get married and this'll be our secret thing

I attended the most ridiculous wedding ever over the weekend. I wish that words could do it justice, but there's no possible way that they can. Regardless, here are some highlights of the day:

- Two Elvis impersonators sang at the wedding ceremony, which in turn was held in a Vegas wedding chapel.

- The "limo" that transported everyone from the hotel to the chapel and back had not one, but two, stripper poles. They were put to use.

- A real live porn actress was in attendance. She looked like she had a lot of miles on her, but I still would've. Well, except for two things: 1) I ain't got no game, and 2) two of my sisters were there. It was probably more 1 than 2.

- A tour bus slowed to a nearly complete stop so its passengers could take pictures of us while we were taking pictures of ourselves at the Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas sign.

- Someone pointed out that I looked "like a young Bill Clinton" and the bride promptly offered to be my Monica. I said, "Finally, having Bill Clinton as a doppelganger has paid off. Does anyone have a cigar?" Then I apologized to the groom. He said it was unnecessary.

- I overheard someone say, "It's not incest if you only think about it."

- Everyone was told to wear gaudy Vegas attire, so several people, myself included, wore outfits purchased at a store called 'Players' although it could just as easily have been called 'Pimps'. But don't take my word for it, see for yourself:




I wish I could post more pictures, but I don't know how the others would feel about it.

It's so fun to relate

Girl: I've been getting up at 2 a.m. lately. I've been trying to finish all my final projects. I got them all done, but it probably took a few years off my life.
Me: Yeah. I think I see a gray hair.
Girl: Really!? Don't say that.
Me (pointing at my scalp): No, I'm kidding. The only gray hair in this room is right here.
Girl: But yours looks good. It just looks like highlights.
Me: No. Mine looks like Bill Clinton hair.
Girl: Does it bother you when people say that you look like him?
Me: Not really.
Girl: At least Clinton was a ladies' man, so you should take it as a compliment.
Me: True. Plus it could be a lot worse. I'd be really upset if people told me I looked like George W. Bush.
Me: Or Dick Cheney.
Me: Or Hillary Clinton.

Let's waste time chasing cars around our heads

Now that I've successfully completed my shopping for a used car and life is starting to get back to normal, I thought I'd share some of the things that I learned from the used car salesmen that I talked to last week. Obviously some time has passed, so I may not be relating this verbatum, but the overall message is the same.

Dealership 1
Salesman: So, do you have a wife?
Me: I have an ex-wife.
Salesman: So she's not going to be driving around with you?
Me: No. Don't get me wrong, we're still friends, but she's not going to be driving my car.
Salesman: I have an ex-wife too. She cheated on my with my best friend.
My Friend: So you aren't still friends then?
Salesman: I'm Arab. We kill people.

Later . . .

Salesman: So how much are you looking to finance?
Me: Well, I'm debating how much I want to put down, but I have enough that I could put down a pretty sizeable amount.
Salesman: Actually, it's better to have a low down payment because banks don't want to fund small loans. So, if you wanted to put $5000 down, you should just put $2500 down instead and put the other $2500 into a savings account. Then when you make your monthly payment, you just pull half of it from that savings account and it's like your payment is cut in half.

Seriously, do people buy into this type of bullshit?

Dealership 2 (over the phone)
Me: Hi. I was calling about a car you have advertised . . . I wanted to know how many miles it has so I can decide if I want to come in and test drive it.
Salesman: Well, that car has 100+ thousand miles on it. (without really answering my question, and then without waiting for my response) I can tell by your voice that's too high for you. Have you thought about maybe getting into a PT Cruiser?
Me: No. I don't really like those.
Salesman: Alright, alright. Would you be interested in a Sebring instead? Do you like those?
Me: I can't really say that I've seen much of those, but that's ok.
Salesman: Alright, well I'm just trying to get a feel for what you're looking for.
What I wanted to say: Here's a hint: Why don't you just fucking ask me what I'm looking for in a car? That might be a good way to "get a feel for what I'm looking for."
What I did say: It would probably just be easier if I came out there and took a look around to see if you have anything I'd be interested in.

What I learned: Car salesmen don't really give a shit what you're looking for, often times they're just out to push a certain vehicle onto somebody. I know, I know, big surprise. I imagine their after work conversations go something like this:

Salesman 1: So, I heard you sold another PT Cruiser today.
Salesman 2: Yeah. It's crazy. All I had to do was mention it and the guy bought one. It's like people don't even realize they're giant pieces of shit.
Salesman 1: I know. I kind of feel bad selling them to people. Well, I mean, I'd feel bad if I actually had a soul.
Salesman 2: Bwahahahahaha. A car salesman with a soul. That's a good one.

Dealership 3
Finance Manager: You probably hear this all the time, but you know who you look like, right?
Me: *Nodding my head yes*
Finance Manager: James Spader, in that movie Less Than Zero.

Wha, wha, whaaaaaat!? I have another doppelganger? I was fully expecting to hear Bill Clinton. Now I'm going to have to watch that movie just to see what he was talking about.

I know someday I'll meet him but I don't know where or when

You know how they say that everyone in the world has someone that looks exactly like them? I envy those who have one that isn't famous. They never have to worry about complete strangers approaching them at random times just to let them know that they look EXACTLY like so-and-so.

For those of you who aren't already aware of this, Bill Clinton is my doppelganger. People have told me that ever since he ran for president the first time, but they're doing it more frequently now. The other night I must have really looked like him because people came up to me thrice to let me know. THRICE!!!*

I'm going to have to start responding with, "I did not have sex with that woman!"




* I know I've used this before, and I'll probably use it again. Thrice is a good word.