I don't know if the rest will ever mean as much

Me:  You know what I could go for before we start the movie?  Some hot chocolate.

Girl:  You know what would be better than that?

Me:  What?

Girl:  Brownies.  Or no bake cookies.

Me:  Oooh, can we make both AND hot chocolate?

Girl:  I think that can be arranged.

Me:  I knew there was a reason I liked you.

It's times like these you learn to give again

I went to visit my sister this weekend. Yesterday morning, we decorated gingerbread men. My sister was drawing on one of them with the frosting dispenser (I have no idea what those things are really called).

I said, "Give it boobs."

My sister said, "No."

My two year old niece said, "Yes!"

My sister didn't do it.

Later, when my two year old niece was decorating her next cookie, she told me she wanted me to put a star on it (one of the frosting dispensers was star shaped). She showed me where she wanted it, so I put it there.

Then she said, "That's a boob!"

I'm a great influence.

Hate me, do it and do it again

Girl 1: I knew a lot of girls in school that were skanks but claimed to be virgins. How can you still call yourself a virgin if you've done everything else?

Me: That all depends on what your definition of sex is. My doppelganger has argued that oral doesn't count. Does it?

Girl 1: Of course it counts.

Girl 2: I agree with her. After all, if I were to shove a cookie* in your mouth that you didn't want, then I technically raped you.

Me: Well, that would assume there'd be a cookie in this world that I wouldn't want in my mouth.

Guy: True. You can't rape the willing.










* In this case the cookie is not a metaphor.

And I believe there's a way to shut the things you don't need out

Talking on the phone to Mr M:

Me: How are you?

Mr M: I'm happy.

Me: Good. Why are you so happy?

Mr M: 'Cause I'm eating a cookie and talking to you.


It's the simple things, you know?

This charming man, why pamper life's complexity?

Friend: Why did you buy so many boxes of Girl Scout cookies?

Me: They're not all for me. Some are for [Friend], and some are for [Hot Waitress] since she asked me to get a box for her.

Friend: You actually bought her some?

Me: Of course. How else am I going to get her to love me?

Friend: You could try being witty and charming.

Me: Pfffffft.

Friend: You're right. Better stick with the cookies.

Hard to look innocent when I've got cookie crumbs all over my face

My mom bakes a lot. When we were kids, and she'd end up with extra frosting, she'd usually make "cookies" by spreading the frosting onto graham crackers. It's delicious. She's always had cookies whenever she's had kids around, and last weekend was no exception. Just before we left, she put a bunch of frosted graham crackers into a ziplock bag for us to have on the drive home.

Mr M ate the most. As he was finishing the last one he asked me about them.

Mr M: Dad? Are these gran-cookies?

Me (thinking he'd said graham): Sure. You could call them that.

Mr M: Are they made out of grandkids?

Yeah that's right, I'm the egg man

The other day I was standing in line at the post office so I could send off a lab mates' samples since he had to leave town suddenly. There was a family with four kids under the age of six standing in front of me. (I thought, "What is this? Utah?")They were there to get passports.

I crinkled the padded envelope in my hand, and one of the little girls (probably about 5) asked "What is that?"

"Um. Actually, they're DNA samples."

"I'm allergic to eggs."

"You are?"

"Yeah."

Her dad chimed in with "Are you really allergic to eggs? Or do you just not like them?"

She answered, "I'm just allergic to raw ones. But I can eat them if they're in cookies."

It's good to know she can have cookies. I can't even imagine how deprived my childhood would've been without cookies.

Party, party with the animals, party

Nooooooo!!! This just ruined my day. If not my life.

If ever there was a time for a bail-out, now would be it.

Come on baby be my bad boyfriend

Some friends of mine spend a lot of time baking cookies and giving them out to their friends every Christmas. The cookies are quite fancy, and quite tasty. They gave me a plate full last week. Having the sweet tooth that I do, it only took a couple of days to plow through them. Through most of them at least. However, there were a couple that I didn't eat. I didn't go to work for a few days, and those just sat on my desk uncovered. When I went back to work earlier this week, I offered one of them to a guy I work with. He grabbed one, took a bite, and realized that it had gotten very hard in the time it had sat uncovered.

Him: I'll swallow it, but only because it's in my mouth.

Me: Is that your motto for everything?

Him: Pretty much.

Me: In that case, I've got something else for you.