Celebrate good times, come on!

Yesterday was Togers' birthday. My ex-wife said she asked Mr M in the morning if he'd wished Togers a happy birthday. Mr M said that he hadn't, because he "wasn't celebrating [Togers'] birthday."

Later, when it was time for cake and ice cream, Mr M insisted that he didn't want any cake, just ice cream. I asked him about it this morning. He didn't want any cake, because that would've been celebrating Togers birthday.

So if you were ever wondering where to draw the line between celebrating something and not celebrating, it's this:

Cake and ice cream = celebrating

Just ice cream = not celebrating

You're welcome!

And you seem like someone who could appreciate the fact that I'm no ordinary man

Yesterday was my friend's birthday. To celebrate, he and his girlfriend rented a room at a four star resort, and reserved a cabana by the pool for the day. There are certainly worse ways to spend an afternoon. Hiding in the jungle from rival drug lords comes to mind. Luckily for us, we had no rival drug lords looking for us yesterday. A good thing too, because there are no jungles nearby in which we could've hidden.

Anyway, after spending most of the day at the pool, we went back to their room to change for dinner, had a fantastic meal, then hung out briefly in the courtyard. However, it was late, and I knew I had to be up early for work, so I went back to the room to gather up my things.

When I walked back with my bag, one of my other friends who had been a late arrival thought I'd stayed the night at the resort too.

Friend 1: Wait. Did you guys have a sleepover here last night?

Me: Well, there's only one bed in the room, and I'm not that close with [Friend] and [His Girlfriend].

Friend's Girlfriend: What are you saying? That I'm unavailable? That's just because I work so much.

Me: I was thinking more along the lines of being emotionally unavailable. You know, the whole [Friend] thing.

Friend 1: That, and I don't think you're really her type.

Me: I don't really think I'm anybody's "type", but I'm okay with that.

Friend 1: No, see, that's the wrong attitude to have. You need to be more like, "Oh, I'm her type, she just doesn't realize it yet."

All that you feel is yourself getting old

My sister sent me this card*:





Then, to add insult to injury, someone else saw it and asked how my sister had been able to make a card with my face photoshopped onto Hillary Clinton's body.

The card was a nice gesture, but this was only thing I really wanted.






*Sure the card itself is a little dated since, you know, she lost the election and all, but it is funny in this context.

But that's not why I'm here, I came down here to tell you it rains in heaven all day long

My ex-wife's birthday was yesterday. I called her when I left work to let her know that I hoped she was having a good one. However, I didn't recognize the voice of the person who answered the phone when I called.

Me: Hello?
Them: Hello.
Me: Who is this?
Them: It's [11 year old son]*.
Me: Oh, ok. Why do you sound weird?
Him (see how I just switched that? Mind blowing, I know!): I don't know.
Me: Maybe it's just because you are weird.
Him: That's something we ought to look into.
Me: I don't think there's any need. I think the evidence is pretty conclusive.
Him: (laughing)
Me: It's sort of like global warming. You still might get some idiots who say the jury's still out, but the data's in, and it's a fact.

I'm such a great father.






*I really ought to come up with some code names for my kids so that I can just use those instead of these ugly brackets.

Heretoforeafter I will refer to my children as follows:
13 year old daughter = Tortellini**
11 year old son = Togers***
5 year old son = Bill****

I hope you can all remember these.

**This is a nickname that I called her from the time she was one until she was in second or third grade. It died off a little as she got older, but I still use it from time to time.

***Comes from a conversation I had with him when he was four and I called his name.
Him: That's not my name.
Me: Oh yeah? What's your name then?
Him: My name's Togers.
Me: Ok. If you say so.

****In a move that is eerily similar to what I said above about my other son, a few months ago my five year old informed his mother that she was to call him Bill from then on. It didn't stick, but it works for my purposes.

And I miss everyone, but most of all the children and their shiny toy guns

Yesterday was my youngest's birthday. He turned five. For most people, September 11 is a day of tragedy, but to me it just marks the day that one of the best things to happen to me actually happened.

I called yesterday morning to wish him a happy birthday. My ex-wife answered the phone and I talked to her for a few minutes before he got on the phone.

Me: Did you get the presents I sent? There were two packages.
Her: Yeah, but he hasn't opened them yet. What did you get him?
Me: One is a toy gun that makes a bunch of different sounds. The other is a sword that does the same thing, but lights up with different colors too.
Her: Oh good. He's been going around telling everyone he was getting a gun for his birthday, but we didn't get him one.
Me: I always feel like I get him the same thing, but I honestly didn't see anything else I thought he'd like, so I went with the toy weapons again.
Her: Well I'm glad you did. He'll be happy with those.
Me: What did you get him?
Her: We got him a little desk.

Oh yeah, I'm the cool parent!

She also told me that the other day he asked how many more times the sun would go down before he turned five. Then, yesterday morning when she told him he was five he went and looked at himself in the mirror to see if he'd grown any. As if it would somehow happen overnight. Knowing this, I asked him about it once he got on the phone.

Me: Happy Birthday. Are you excited to open your presents.
Him: Yeah. I have to wait until [Step-Dad] gets home.
Me: So how does it feel to be five? Are you bigger? Stronger? Faster?
Him: Dad, I'm just five.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - EDIT- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

By that logic, I'm not getting fat, I'm just thirty-two.

Viva Las Vegas!

The past two weeks I've been doing a lot of Vegas-ey type things. I've been on the Las Vegas Strip, a street which I normally avoid as much as possible, a total of 9 times. The most recent was for a friend's birthday.

My friend informed me that she had the whole day planned out. First, we were going to the Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay. Then we were going to ride the roller coaster at New York New York, followed by ice cream at the Bellagio while we watched the fountains.

This was my first trip to the Shark Reef, despite numerous opportunities to go in the past. I thought it was great, but I got a little frustrated by my camera's slow shutter speed. I tried taking about 100 pictures, but the only one that I thought came out nicely was this picture of a lionfish (the rest were blurry):



We finished that before dark, and decided that the roller coaster would be better once all the casinos had their lights turned on, so we went to the Bellagio first. We wanted to see the Conservatory because they always have it decorated nicely for each season, but they were in the middle of changing from a spring to a summer theme, so we didn't get to see any of it. The ice cream was good, and I saw one of the best fountains I've ever laid eyes on.

Of course, then we went outside to see the more famous fountains. You know, the ones that weren't running with chocolate, but were instead the regular lame water kind. We went outside at dusk, which was cool because I got to take these shots of the casino.











While we were waiting for the fountains, I had the following conversation with my friend:

Me: You know, we're going to have to make out as soon as the fountains start.
Her: And why is that?
Me: It's just what you're supposed to do.
Her: Funny, I've come to watch the fountains with other people, so why haven't I made out with any of them.
Me: That's because they haven't been showing you how to do it right.

She didn't fall for it.

We went back to the roller coaster ride, and I have to say it was much better than I expected it to be. We were in the front car, and I found myself getting a little shaky as we began our ascent. I'd definitely recommend it if you've never gone.

The whole wide world is at it again showing me how it feels good to bleed

A week or so ago I was with a friend while she was trying to find a birthday card to send her father. I did some other shopping (mostly for candy) while she was looking at cards, and then joined her at the card rack. Standing there, I saw a section that I hadn't ever noticed before. A section labeled Goodbye Cards. I picked one up, read it, and started smiling.

Her: What are you smiling at?
Me: Oh nothing. This card just made me think of something.
Her: What?
Me: I shouldn't say.
Her: Well you can't do that. Now that you've brought it up you have to tell me.
Me: Ok, but you asked. I was just thinking that it would be so much worse for someone's loved ones if they wrote their suicide note on a Hallmark card. Talk about adding insult to injury.
Her: That's bad, you shouldn't be thinking about stuff like that.

To be continued . . .

(if I feel like it)

Well I can tell you for the money the simple life honey is good

When I got out of bed this morning, my roommate was standing right outside my bedroom door folding laundry. It startled me to walk out of my room and almost bump into him because I wasn't expecting him to be standing there.

Him: I'm sorry. Was I being too loud?
Me: No. I just didn't realize you were out here because I didn't hear you at all.
Him: Well, I had to be quiet so as not to disturb the princess.

I'm sure his comment had nothing to do with this:



One of my friends gave it to me last night along with a couple bags of candy (my friends know me so well).

By the way, thank you all for the birthday wishes yesterday.

'Cause I haven't been too brave but mostly frightened

Thirteen years ago today I was in a hospital in a small town in northeastern Utah. I was reading magazine articles about death of Kurt Cobain, trying to take my mind off the wave of nausea that was bubbling up inside me.

I was scared. Scared of what was in store for me that day. Scared because I was waiting to experience one of the best things to happen to me in this lifetime.

I was anxiously awaiting the birth of my little baby girl.

It was a long wait.

At the time, we lived an hour and a half away from the hospital, so the doctor decided to induce labor the previous day to save us from having to make another trip. There were a few complications, but after approximately 19 hours the moment had finally arrived, and my life would no longer be the same.

She was the most beautiful little froggy looking thing with a smashed up face that I'd ever seen. At 9 lbs. and 20 1/2 inches she was rather plump. Plump enough that when my car wouldn't start in the parking lot and my mother had to make the drive to pick us up at the hospital and take us home, her cheeks jiggled with every little bump in the road. As my mom drove and I watched her cheeks jiggle, car problems were the farthest thing from my mind. I was a dad.

A lot has happened over the past thirteen years. After several moves, two college degrees (with a third in the works), two little brothers for her, and a divorce, I no longer live with my baby girl, and she no longer has the pudgy cheeks that jiggle in the car. But I love her every bit as much as I did then, if not more. Even if she does like to do strange things like wear aluminum foil on her teeth.


Happy Birthday Baby!!!

I hope that your song's not The Boys of Summer just because you were both born on that day

A friend of mine is having a birthday this weekend. I asked him if he had any plans.

Him: I think that I'm just going to take it easy. I've been so busy lately, but a blow job would be nice.

Me: Sorry dude, I can't help you out there.