The girl said yeah, smiled, and he smiled back

Check out this amazing take on being divorced from season one of Louie C.K.'s TV series "Louie." I couldn't have said it better myself*.

It's not fun to be single at 41. I was married for ten years. I'm divorced, I've got two children. It's hard to start again after a marriage. It's hard to really, like, look at somebody and go "Hey, maybe something nice will happen."

You just don't.

I know too much about life to have any optimism because I know even if it's nice it's going to lead to shit. I know that if you smile at somebody and they smile back, you've just decided that something shitty is going to happen.

You might have a nice couple of dates, but then she'll stop calling you back and that'll feel shitty.

Or, you'll date for a long time and then she'll have sex with one of your friends, or you will with one of hers, and that'll be shitty.

Or, you'll get married and it won't work out, and you'll get divorced and split your friends and money, and that's horrible.

Or, you'll meet the perfect person who you love infinitely, and you even argue well, and you grow together, and you have children, and then you get old together. And then she's gonna' die.

That's the best case scenario is that you're gonna' lose your best friend.









*Really, I couldn't. If I could, I'd be a successful comedian living in New York.

Leave him alone 'cause the boy's bad news

Me: Have you seen Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog? If not, you should watch it.

Friend: No. What is it?

Me: It's a project that Neil Patrick Harris and a few others did during the writer's strike. It's about 45 minutes long.

Friend: Okay, I will watch during lunch. However, [Boss] is coming back to town and I have to be on my best behavior at work now.

Me: Neil Patrick Harris plays a character named Dr. Horrible who is trying to gain acceptance into the Evil League of Evil, and he's in love with a girl, and it's a musical, and it's very bizarre, and hilarious.

Friend: It sounds lame, are you SURE its funny?

Me: Yes.

Friend: And are you SURE you aren't gay?


This would be the time when I would normally say "Yes, I'm sure I'm not gay. Bring your sister over and I'll prove it." Luckily, I caught myself and remembered that my friend's sister died a few years ago. That would've been as bad as the time I used a "your mom" joke on a friend whose parents died when he was young.

Just a face in the crowd

Cashier*: You look like you've got a face that's on TV.

Me: Is that so?

Cashier: Yeah. Have you ever been on TV?

Me: No.

Cashier: Are you sure? Not even in a commercial.

Me: Yeah, I'm pretty sure I've never been on TV.

Cashier: That's weird because I swear I've seen you before.

Me: Maybe you're confusing me with who everyone says I look like.

Cashier: Who do people say you look like?

Me: Bill Clinton.

Cashier: Who's that?

Me: Our former president.

Cashier: Oh.


Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the people of Las Vegas, Nevada.





*This actually happened a month or so ago, but apparently I never got around to blogging about it. Until now.

It's pencil rot

Silent Kid flew into town for the weekend. Since I was supposed to pick him up Friday evening when he got in, and since most of my friends are out of town for the holidays anyway, I ended up waiting at home instead of going out with friends after work. He called to tell me that his flight had been delayed, so I turned on the TV to kill some time. I flipped through the channels, and quickly realized there really wasn't anything on, so I settled on some trainwreck TV: I watched the final three episodes of A Shot At Love with Tila Tequila. Yes, I am ashamed of this (but Tila totally should have picked Dani over Bobby).

The next day Silent Kid and I went to the Forum Shops at Caesar's Palace so we could go to the Virgin store. That store has closed since the last time I went there (as had two other record stores we tried to go to that day), so we really just did a lot of walking around for nothing (and I use the term 'walking' in the loosest possible sense of the word, given the fact that I can't exactly 'walk' anymore, it's more of a hobble since I'm so gimpy).

Anyway, as we made our way back through the mall, I mentioned something I'd seen on A Shot At Love that troubled me (aside from the TV show itself). In the corner of the screen, MTV would periodically put up a banner that read: "Having Tila withdrawl?", and then directed viewers to the show's web site for extra information, cast interviews, etc.

I told Silent Kid that it really bothered me that we've reached a point where you can't be sure whether MTV is misspelling 'withdrawal' in order to be cool, or if they really didn't know how to spell it and nobody on the editorial staff was smart enough to catch it. It is MTV after all.

He replied, "Yeah, well, you know what makes me angry?"

"What?"

"The name of that store right there."

I looked where he was pointing, and saw a shoe store named Shoooz.

English is dead.

We'll be safe from Satan when the thunder rolls

You know you're addicted to The Wire when . . .

. . . you keep talking to your friends about The Wire, even though none of them have ever seen a single episode.

. . . you dream about having lunch with Stringer Bell.


. . . you freak out when HBO On Demand is missing the next two episodes that you need to watch.

. . . you drive to every video store you can think of so you can rent the disc with the missing episodes.

. . . you go home after not finding the disc at any video store and call the cable company inquiring as to why the episodes are missing.

. . . you tell the cable company that you're going to keep calling them until the problem is fixed.

. . . you dream that you're running for Mayor of Baltimore.


The Wire: More addictive than crack.

Ana Ng and I are getting old and we still haven't walked in the glow of each other's majestic presence

If you there was going to be a television program about you, what band would you want to write and perform the theme song?

I'm asking you, but I also posed this question to one of the guys that I work with.

Him: I'd probably go with They Might Be Giants.
Me: That's who I'd want too. Although, Ween would probably come up with a pretty good one too.
Him: Yeah, Ween's got some weird stuff.
Me: But They Might Be Giants is one of my two favorite bands, so I'd definitely choose them over Ween.
Him: Good point. So tell me, what's your favorite They Might Be Giants' song?
Me: I can't just pick one. That's like asking me to pick my favorite child*.

However, after some deliberation, I tentatively settled on one.

Me: If I have to pick one right now, I guess I'll have to go with Ana Ng.
Him: Oh, that's a good one. It also explains a lot. That's why you're so attracted to Asian girls.
Me: Well, I'm not going to deny that I'm attracted to Asian girls, but I wouldn't way that's the reason why.
Him: I was starting to think it was some weird childhood fetish.
Me: No, it's just because so many of them are hot!

Ana Ng is an older song from Lincoln (one of their early albums), but it's definitely got staying power. Here's the music video followed by the lyrics.



Make a hole with a gun perpendicular
To the name of this town in a desktop globe
Exit wound in a foreign nation
Showing the home of the one this was written for
My apartment looks upside down from there
Water spirals the wrong way out the sink
And her voice is a backwards record
It's like a whirlpool and it never ends

CHORUS:
Ana Ng and I are getting old
And we still haven't walked in the glow of each other's majestic presence
Listen Ana hear my words
They're the ones you would think I would say if there was a me for you

All alone at the '64 world fair
Eighty dolls yelling small girl after all
Who was at the DuPont Pavilion?
Why was the bench still warm?
Who had been there?

Or the time when the storm tangled up the wire
To the horn on the pole at the bus depot
And in back at the edge of hearing
These were the words that the voice was repeating

CHORUS

When I was driving once I saw this painted on a bridge:
"I don't want the world, I just want your half."

They don't need me here and I know you're there
Where the world goes by like the humid air
And it sticks like a broken record
Everything sticks like a broken record
Everything sticks until it goes away
And the truth is we don't know anything

CHORUS (3X)





* Well, it would be if I'd fathered multiple songs over the past few decades, which I haven't, but you get the point.

'Cause you cannot fight the television

I don't feel like writing anything today, so instead take a look at the only video clip where you're going to want to watch Richard Simmons.



I'm thinking of taking up Jet-Skiing, although, I'd need a better model.

I scrambled for the television desperate for its light

I'm a morning person. I think. I'm not super bright eyed and bushy tailed when I get up in the morning, but I do wake up early, and I get going as soon as my eyes open. It's a rare day that I'm not in the office by 8:00 a.m.

A couple of weeks ago I realized that this is a good thing. The reason? There's nothing to watch on television during the day. The day I realized this was one of the rare days where I wasn't in any hurry to leave the house. I turned the TV on and began flipping through channels, eventually settling on M*A*S*H. I'd already seen the episode that was airing. In fact, I'd seen it multiple times as a kid, but I still watched it again. As I sat there wasting my morning, I began to think. No, not about why I was wasting my time watching a television program that I'd already seen multiple times. That would require too much introspection, and could possibly result in me changing my ways. We can't be having that now, can we? Instead, I was thinking about why M*A*S*H would still be in syndication. The show's been on the air for several decades now, and I'm guessing that most of the people who would watch it have already seen every episode. It's not like there are a bunch of attractive characters to keep us coming back. It's not particularly funny. I mean, the jokes are ok, but rarely make me laugh outright. I concluded that the only possible reason that M*A*S*H would still be getting good enough ratings to remain on the air is because of people like me who'll tune in simply because there's nothing else on, and we have to watch something.

If I'm right, that's a pretty sad statement.

Well we knew we had the good things but those never seemed to last

Speaking of Kids in the Hall, we used to watch it all the time when I was in high school. Usually at Flieswithoutwings' house. Anyway, while I'm getting all nostalgic, here are a few more of my favorite clips (sorry, but I couldn't find the one with Rooster Boy, sausages or the squirrel toupee).

Asleep on the Job


Trappers


Painting a Chair


My Pen


Hangin’ Tough


Ok, so I put the last one on there just to see who's still paying attention.

You and me, me and you, if that's what you're into

If you haven't been watching The Flight of the Conchords on HBO then shame on you. Here's a look at some of what you've been missing.

If you’re into it:


Roll of Tape:



Albi the Racist Dragon:

Gonna have myself a time

Someday I want to remember to call one of my friends "Detective Sandy Vagina" when they don't get excited about something that I think is cool, ala Eric Cartman.

The new season starts tonight, I must say I'm rather excited.


***EDIT***

I thought it would be a good idea to do a running diary of the first episode, but it was a better idea than it was a reality. It turns out I can't really do two things at once. Well, I can walk and chew gum, and drive and text at the same time, but apparently I can't think of funny things to write while I'm being entertained by a funny cartoon. So instead I'll just list a few of the thoughts that I had while making a weak attempt at keeping a running diary.

First, I really liked the episode. They've used a similar idea before when the boys were all pretending to be ninjas, but this one had better animation. I think it was brilliant to use World of Warcraft in an episode. The fat guy who was going around killing everyone in the game because he had no life reminds me of a few people I've known in my life. Sadly, my 10 year old son could very well end up that way as well with as much time as he spends playing that game. It's all he could talk to me about on the phone for about two months. Luckily, my ex-wife has since limited his computer time to an hour a day and he's more like a normal 10 year old again.

The commercials really bothered me for some reason. Maybe it's because I'm out of the age range of the typical South Park viewer, so I don't fit the demographic of their target audience, but seriously, who are these people who are dumb (desperate?) enough to text the word 'tease' to 44123 in order to start 'text flirting' with so-called girls? Do they really think they're talking to the cute girls that appear in the commercial, or is it one of those things where as long as you're imagining that it's a cute girl then it's ok? Half of the response texts are probably sent my men (and the other half by ugly women, and maybe even a few transvestites), and it probably ends up costing a LOT of money per text. I may be desperate for some action, but I think I'll pass.

The Triple Whopper from Burger King is just what the American public needs. Like we're not fat enough already.

I want to see Thank You for Smoking as much as the next guy (actually, probably a little bit more than the next guy) but I don't need a commercial every 20 seconds to remind me of that. I think they showed the ad three times during a single commercial break. The same thing goes for The Grudge 2, except I really don't want to see that movie.

They also kept showing ads for the new cartoon Freak Show. What I want to know is, what ever happened to good animation? Is that really so much to ask from the makers of a cartoon? It could be the funniest show on t.v. and I still wouldn't watch it because the animation is so crappy (and yes, I'm aware of how stupid that sounds coming from a guy who is going on and on about the greatness of South Park).

I loved the part where Cartman stages a rally to figure out how to defeat the guy that keeps killing them in WoW and says something along the lines of "If you could go back in time and stop Hitler would you? I mean, I wouldn't because I personally think he was awesome, but you would, right?" I honestly don't know which is worse, the fact that they put that into the episode, or the fact that it cracked me up. I'm so going to hell.
He follows that up with trying to convince the other boys not to quit playing WoW by saying "When Hitler rose to power a lot of people just stopped playing. You know who those people were? The French." I can't wait to bring that up to the French guy in my research group.

And finally, I'm considering changing my screen name to lovestospooge.

Everybody knows that world is full of stupid people so meet me at the mission at midnight we'll settle up then

If I see another commercial that says something along the lines of "because what goes on the belly isn't what's important, but what goes in the belly is," implying that you should care more about what your (young) kids eat than what they want to wear, and that commercial is for McDonald's, I'm going to gouge my eyes out with an ice cream scoop.

Let's get this straight, McDonald's is NOT health food. Everyone knows that. I don't care if you can get milk and apple chips instead of french fries and soda with a happy meal, the happy meal itself is still not healthy! If you want to feed your kids fast food that's fine, just don't try and tell me that you're feeding them a healthy diet if you do.

The thing that irritates me is that McDonald's is trying to give the impression that they are a healthy place to eat. Even after Super Size Me (actually, it's probably because of Super Size Me). Even worse than that is there are people who are stupid enough to see that commercial and buy into it.

Hypothetical Stupid Person: "Hey look at that, McDonald's is healthy and if I really cared about my kids I would feed them lunch there every day."

Me: "That's not true, you're just stupid."

If you're that stupid, you probably shouldn't be reproducing. Unfortunately, most of the people who are reproducing shouldn't be.

Man I hate stupid people.

(I will now go get a vasectomy)

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?

When I'm watching t.v. I have to wonder how desperate actors have to be for work to agree to be in certain commercials. Two recent examples are the Burger King commercials where there's a whole family dressed up in hamburger suits made of rubber, and the pepto bismol commercials where the people are motioning to parts of their bodies while the symptoms that pepto treats are chanted.

I'm fairly sure that people do these because they need the money, and not because they feel like it's their 'big break' into the industry. After all, is any casting director really going to say:

"I loved your work as the 'Whopper Jr.' where you mouth off to your dad and say "I wish you'd never been broiled." I think you'd be perfect for the lead part in this new blockbuster of mine."

or,

"We've been looking all over Hollywood for someone with the right look, and the way you grabbed your butt to simulate that you had diarrhea in that pepto commercial convinced us that you're the only one who could pull it off."

People should use more discretion when choosing their roles. If every actor turned down the roles in those stupid commercials, then maybe I wouldn't have to watch them. Maybe they could also save their dignity, but that's a secondary issue.

True Warrior

I'm not exactly sure at what age young boys start to grasp the concept of weapons, but based on what I've seen with my boys, it must be fairly young. I'm guessing it has something to do with watching too much television, and I'm not sure what exactly that says about me as a parent. I think it would be a lot cooler if it were due to some inborn mode of survival. As you can see by the look on my 3 year old's face (as he's about to attack me with a plastic sword), he definitely has a killer instinct. Who knows, maybe someday he'll rule the world.