Oh Santa, I've been killing just for fun

I know it's the holidays, and I'm supposed to be filled with the Christmas spirit and all, but this year it's just not happening for me*.


To the girl at the soda machine at Chipotle:

GET YOUR DRINK FIRST, THEN YOU CAN RESPOND TO YOUR TEXT MESSAGES. YOU'RE HOLDING UP THE LINE. WHATEVER IT IS, IT'S NOT THAT IMPORTANT OR ELSE IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SENT IN A TEXT IN THE FIRST PLACE. IT CAN WAIT A FEW MORE SECONDS.

To the really nice blonde girl:

NOBODY IS AS NICE AND BUBBLY AS YOU. KNOCK IT OFF, IT'S CREEPY AND WEIRD!

To the kid who got me a drink of water and then said that in return I owed him a Christmas present:

I WAS THINKING ABOUT GETTING YOU SOMETHING, UNTIL YOU SAID THAT. SERIOUSLY, WHO ASKS EVERYBODY THEY KNOW FOR A CHRISTMAS PRESENT? (Yes, I heard about you calling another friend of mine and asking her if she was going to buy you one too.) YOU'RE A GREEDY BASTARD.

To the guy who kept talking to the screen at the movie theater:

IT'S A DAMN MOVIE! THE ACTORS CAN'T HEAR YOU. THE AUDIENCE DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR YOU. WE KNOW SHE'S A COLD BITCH. WE JUST SAW HER DO THE SAME THING ON SCREEN THAT YOU DID. WE DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL US. WE'RE NOT RETARDED, WE GET IT. SHUT UP!!!



MERRY FREAKING CHRISTMAS!








*As opposed to my five year old who is full of Christmas spirit. He's been asking everyone he knows for their spare change so that he can buy coats for kids that don't have them. So far he's collected about $70.

Come on, come on, listen to the money talk

A few weeks ago, a girl I know was on her way to campus and stopped to go through a Burger King drive through. As she sat in line to place her order, she noticed the car in front of her (whose driver had been ordering) backing up. She tapped on her horn to let the driver know that she was behind her. After all, she didn't want to get hit because the driver wasn't paying enough attention to check the rear view first. The reversing driver took exception to this. She leaned very far out her window and screamed, "Back up, Bitch!"

The girl I know backed up and gave her enough room to maneuver her way out of line. Irritated by the other woman's response, she said, "They take credit you broke whore." as the other woman drove past her.

That's quite possibly one of the best things I've ever heard of someone saying to a complete stranger. However, I wouldn't recommend it (especially in this town where there's been a 32% increase in violent crime).

Apparently the woman was infuriated enough to drive around to the front and wait for the girl I know to come through the other end of the drive through where she tried to get her to get out of the car and fight. Right there in the parking lot. Of course, the girl I know just drove off, but it still makes for a good story.

And you thought living in your town was interesting.

Mr. Ambulance Driver

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to become cranky when you've got an empty stomach? Sure you have. I mean, one third of the children in sub-Saharan Africa are malnourished, and just look at how cranky people are in that part of the world.

However, this phenomenon does not occur only in third world countries but also here in the good old U. S. of A. For example, the other day a friend and I were on our way to lunch and we ended up stopped in traffic even though the light ahead of us was green. I wondered aloud why the idiots in front of me weren't moving. Then I heard sirens and saw an ambulance enter the intersection in front of us. This prompted my friend to grumble, "Stupid ambulance. I wonder if they realize that the word ambulance comes from the latin ambulare which means to walk. They should walk their asses to the hospital so I don't have to wait any longer for lunch."

My sentiments exactly!