When I said alone, you know, I'll be right by your side

Brother: Are you going to the Christmas party with me?

Me: Wasn't planning on it.

Brother: You should. That soccer lady was asking about you the other day.

Me: Isn't she married?

Brother: Yeah.

Me: Well, that doesn't do me any good.

Brother: It could. She might have some hot, single friends. She said you were hot.

Me: I'm sure she did.

Brother: Well, maybe not in those exact words, but she did say you looked just like me, so I can only assume that's what she meant.

Jolly old St Nicholas

Mr M has argued with us about whether Santa is real or not for the past two years. This year he won the argument.

So, instead of getting presents from Santa this year, he got them from the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, Your Mom, Ed the Homeless Guy From Van Buren, Bambi From The Best Gentlemen's Club in Phoenix, Will Smith's Robot Arm and Sunny From iRobot.

Good luck trying to deny THOSE entities, Mr M.

Merry Christmas To All, And To All A Good Night

There's a fat man standing by the soda machine and he knows, he knows, he knows that life can be funny

Friend: Look at that line to go see Santa Claus.

Me: I should go wait to sit on his lap, and when he asks what I want for Christmas, say, "a naughty girl."

Friend: That'd be pretty funny.

Me: Yeah, and you know Santa would laugh. Then, when he's all, "Ho, ho ho." I'd say, "Exactly!"

Can't you see it's not me you're dying for

I recently went to the Happiest Place On Earth. Inside there was a sign listing their Christmas Day specials. I took a picture so I could post it here, but unfortunately it didn't turn out because it was too dark and the camera on my phone sucks. Instead, you'll just have to settle for the words, without the added artsiness of marker on posterboard.

The Double Down Saloon
Join us for:
Free Haircuts
Free Spaghettios
50¢ Abortions

Christmas Day 11 am - 5 pm


If that's not a random list, I don't know what is.

I'm not gonna get you a diamond ring, that sort of gift don't mean anything

Girl: Merry Christmas!!

Me: Thanks. You too. Did you get a dick in a box?

Girl: No Santa didn't get me one :(

Me: Boo. I heard that's what all the girls wanted this year.

Girl: Yeah, I must've been on the naughty list

Me: Or not naughty enough. I'd offer mine, but wouldn't want to cockblock everyone else who's dying to be your first*

Girl: Hahahaha yeah





*I don't count myself in that category. I subscribe to the view of Vincent Chase in Entourage: I don't want to be anyone's first, and I don't want to be anyone's last.

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

You're older than you've ever been, and now you're even older, and now you're older still

Post Office Clerk: How far away is [Town Where My Parents Live]?

Me: Oh, about four hours.

Post Office Clerk: Four hours? Why are you even sending these gifts? Just drive them up there. That way you get to see your family too.

Me: That's what I should do, but I just don't think it's going to happen this year.

Post Office Clerk: Why not?

Me: A number of reasons. Time contraints. Money. Also, my daughter doesn't want to leave because her boyfriend is coming to town for a visit and she feels like she needs to see him while he's here.

Post Office Clerk: Man, you don't look old enough to have a daughter with a boyfriend.

Me: I'm not.

Ain't nobody gonna give nobody what they really need anyway

Me: You know, I'm not saying that [Girl]'s not a special lady. I'm just saying you have to be careful that you're not setting the bar too high this Christmas by giving her that much.

Friend: I'm just trying to be a good boyfriend. You know, [Minnow], you gotta keep the bitches happy.

I'm your Testarossa, first gear, watch me go, keep 'em in fear

Driving Togers to school this morning we started joking around about what he wanted for Christmas. I told him all he was getting was a pack of gum. Cheapest. Christmas. Ever. I then joked about how some kid in his class would get a plasma tv for his room, complete with surround sound, all three video game consoles, and a Ferrari, even though they're only twelve. Then he could say, "Oh yeah? Well check out this pack of gum! It's spearmint!"

Togers then told me that there is a kid in his class who has a Ferrari, and it's his own, not his parents'.

Did I mention that they're only twelve?

I've failed as a parent.

The last thing I told him when he got out of the car: "Have a good day. Go make friends with [Ferrari Kid]."

That's why I'm easy, easy like a Sunday morning

There are worse ways to spend a Sunday than this:

In 1984 I was hospitalized for approaching perfection

I hope everyone had a great Christmas. Mine turned out to be much better than I expected. I got to talk to my kids while they opened presents, which wasn't quite the same as being there, but at least I got to hear some of the excitement. I also got to talk to most everyone else in my family, and had a good dinner at a friend's house, so I can't complain.

I am going to share part of one of the coolest presents I got. My mom put together a short family history with old family photos and the stories behind most of the major events in our lives. One thing you should know about my mother, and that is that she's a very talented woman artistically. She's also kept a journal her entire life (we're talking like 50 volumes here), and she always sets aside a few pages here and there to write down all the funny things that we said or did while we were growing up. She does this with her grandkids too. She calls them the "family funnies" and they're the only pages in her journals that she'll let other people read. I think everyone in our family loves reading those. I know I do.

Here's where the artistic part comes in. Another thing my mom does is draw cartoons. She's quite good at it, and this year she included a few pages worth of "family funnies" for each of her children that she drew up and included with the family story.

Here are a few of mine*:












Seriously, can anything beat my reasoning as a small child?



*I've cropped each one to be its own image, and in the process of doing so, took off her name and the date. Don't steal her stuff.

Don't shoot me Santa Claus, I've been a really good boy I promise you

Merry Christmas everybody!

I am so homesick, but it ain't that bad, 'cause I'm homesick for the home I never had

For the first time in my life, I'm spending Christmas away from my family. I have to admit, it's a little depressing even though I should be grateful that I've been fortunate enough to go 32 years before experiencing it for the first time. I would say I'm homesick, but I'm not sure that term really applies. I miss people, and I miss places, but at different times and in different ways. Right now I'm missing people.

My parents have lived a somewhat nomadic life. They've moved something like 33 times since they've been married. They've moved twice since I graduated from high school. As a result, I don't really have a home town, and since I never lived in the house they're in now, it doesn't really feel like home either. After all, it's not like I ever had a room there or anything. Not to mention the fact that I don't really know anyone who lives there besides my family (well, there are a few people I went to high school with there, but I don't go visit them because we're not as cose as we once were). Don't get me wrong, I like to visit, but that's because my family's there, not because I feel like I'm going home. In fact, when people ask me if I'm going home for various holidays I usually respond with, "I'm going to my parents' house." It's a subtle distinction, but it's more correct.

For the most part, I grew up in a small town in southern Utah (after spending years 1-6 in western Montana). When I was in high school we moved to an even smaller town in northeastern Utah (the very northeastern corner to be exact). Driving through these towns almost always brings back a flood of memories on the rare occasions that I do it, but they don't feel like home because the people are missing.

Last month, when my daughter got shot in the eye, I drove to Salt Lake City, and as I pulled into town got the feeling that I was home. The funny thing about that is I've never lived in Salt Lake City. However, my kids live there now, as does my best friend from high school. I always have a place to stay. I can always spend time with someone who is near and dear to me when I'm there. I wish I could do that this week.

Luckily, I've got some friends here in town that are taking care of me this Christmas. Without them, I think I'd be getting really depressed.

Oh Santa, I've been killing just for fun

I know it's the holidays, and I'm supposed to be filled with the Christmas spirit and all, but this year it's just not happening for me*.


To the girl at the soda machine at Chipotle:

GET YOUR DRINK FIRST, THEN YOU CAN RESPOND TO YOUR TEXT MESSAGES. YOU'RE HOLDING UP THE LINE. WHATEVER IT IS, IT'S NOT THAT IMPORTANT OR ELSE IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SENT IN A TEXT IN THE FIRST PLACE. IT CAN WAIT A FEW MORE SECONDS.

To the really nice blonde girl:

NOBODY IS AS NICE AND BUBBLY AS YOU. KNOCK IT OFF, IT'S CREEPY AND WEIRD!

To the kid who got me a drink of water and then said that in return I owed him a Christmas present:

I WAS THINKING ABOUT GETTING YOU SOMETHING, UNTIL YOU SAID THAT. SERIOUSLY, WHO ASKS EVERYBODY THEY KNOW FOR A CHRISTMAS PRESENT? (Yes, I heard about you calling another friend of mine and asking her if she was going to buy you one too.) YOU'RE A GREEDY BASTARD.

To the guy who kept talking to the screen at the movie theater:

IT'S A DAMN MOVIE! THE ACTORS CAN'T HEAR YOU. THE AUDIENCE DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR YOU. WE KNOW SHE'S A COLD BITCH. WE JUST SAW HER DO THE SAME THING ON SCREEN THAT YOU DID. WE DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL US. WE'RE NOT RETARDED, WE GET IT. SHUT UP!!!



MERRY FREAKING CHRISTMAS!








*As opposed to my five year old who is full of Christmas spirit. He's been asking everyone he knows for their spare change so that he can buy coats for kids that don't have them. So far he's collected about $70.

Ain't no right

I have a friend who likes to twist things that we say around to imply that we are gay. Shocking, I know, but you literally can't say anything around this guy that could be used a different way without him pointing it out. I'm not complaining. I think it's funny, and I do the same thing.

One time my friend said something suggesting that something someone had said made them gay (great attention to detail, I know), and another of my friends turned to him and said, "I'm surprised by the amount of gay stuff comes out of your mouth."

That cracked me up. I still use it as a comeback from time to time. However, it's not my favorite line to use. My favorite one comes from a boxing match a few years back. I don't even remember who the fighters were now, but I remember that in the weeks leading up to the fight, one of them kept implying that the other was gay. Before the fight, at the weigh in, this guy said something about it again. The other boxer responded with something like, "I'm not gay. Bring your sister over here right now and I'll prove it." That comment started a pre-fight brawl. It was awesome.

So, when my friend tells me that something I said makes me gay, I use the boxer's response. If there's one thing I'm very capable of doing, it's beating a joke into the ground*, but it doesn't start any brawls when I say it.

Yesterday I went Christmas shopping with my friend. He said something to me, and I responded, but this time I tweaked it a little. I said, "I'm not gay. Bring your niece over here right now and I'll prove it."

Somehow that took it to a whole new level of creepiness.





*For example, ever since seeing National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation when I was in high school my response to "Where does this go?" or "Where am I supposed to put that?" has been "Bend over and I'll show you."

Come on baby be my bad boyfriend

Some friends of mine spend a lot of time baking cookies and giving them out to their friends every Christmas. The cookies are quite fancy, and quite tasty. They gave me a plate full last week. Having the sweet tooth that I do, it only took a couple of days to plow through them. Through most of them at least. However, there were a couple that I didn't eat. I didn't go to work for a few days, and those just sat on my desk uncovered. When I went back to work earlier this week, I offered one of them to a guy I work with. He grabbed one, took a bite, and realized that it had gotten very hard in the time it had sat uncovered.

Him: I'll swallow it, but only because it's in my mouth.

Me: Is that your motto for everything?

Him: Pretty much.

Me: In that case, I've got something else for you.

Yeah, they've come to snuff the rooster . . . No he ain't gonna die

The holidays are much less stressful for me these days than they used to be. The semester just ended, and while I still have some grading to do, I'll be finished with everything by Tuesday. Of course, that just opens up a bunch of time to work on other things, like manuscripts that need to be written, but I'll be free from other distractions (except blogging of course) and should be able to make some progress in that area.

However, such was not always the case. When I was going to school in Utah, I worked part time for a major shipping company. The job sucked, but it paid better than most part time jobs, plus I got full medical ad dental benefits so I stuck with it. I got up in the wee hours of the morning to go load delivery trucks and was finished with my shift by 8:00 or 9:00 a.m. This made it relatively easy to register for classes every semester since I didn't have to block out a chunk of my day for work (I did, just not when classes were being offered), another reason why I stuck with the job.

During this period of my life, the holidays were my most stressful time of year. First of all, I'd have finals week to get through, but once that was over, instead of getting a break like many students, I had to work the craziest time of the year at the part time job. The hours would always increase with the extra Christmas volume because it provided us with different opportunities to pick up extra hours (which was actually kind of nice because it helped pay for Christmas). One of the ways to get extra hours was to go out with the drivers during the day and run packages to the door while they sorted through the rest of their deliveries.

One day I was out helping one of the drivers whose truck I loaded, and saw one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. She delivered in a somewhat rural area, and one of the houses we had a package for was out by itself down a dirt road. She pulled up to the house and handed me the package to run to the door. The yard was filled with various farm animals. I remember there being goats, ducks, chickens, geese, dogs, cats and small pigs. There may have been others, but that's beside the point.

I should probably take the time to point out that since this was in Utah, and it was Christmas time, there was ice and snow everywhere, including on the sidewalk that led up to this house. I carefully ran up to the front door, and as I did so, the farm animals scattered. They probably weren't used to sudden movements and thought I was attacking them or something, but as they tried to get away from the menacing figure coming at them, they were running in various directions. A few of the chickens, being as stupid as they are, ran straight toward me, but then one of them saw me and hurriedly tried to change direction. It was then that it happened, this chicken slipped and fell on the ice and squawked as feathers flew.

Ladies and Gentlemen, you haven't truly lived until you've seen a chicken slip and fall on the ice. I urge you to find a henhouse and try it for yourself this winter.

A partridge in a pear tree

So I've finally downloaded Christmas pictures from my camera and thought I'd post them for all of you who missed it (which would be all of you).

All in all I'd have to say that the kids enjoyed their stuff, but perhaps none as much as the 4 year old did his big gift.

I'll just let the pictures speak for themselves.

When I was young I had a lust for knives and guns

I had a really nice Christmas. I got to see all my siblings and spend a few days with my kids. On Christmas Day my kids got spoiled (again), and people gave me a whole lot more than I deserve. Especially my sister and her husband. I'm going to come up with a way to thank them, but until then, she'll just have to read on here how grateful I am for everything (thanks sis!).

I feel bad for my mom though. She kept asking me and asking me to give her a wishlist, but I put it off so long that she had to go out and buy my stuff without any guidance from me whatsoever. The stuff she got me is cool, but I'll probably never use some of it so I'm still debating whether I should keep everything, or exchange the things I won't use. I hate to seem ungrateful, but I'm leaning toward the latter (keep those receipts handy until I let you know otherwise Mom).

The first item that I'll probably return is a hooded sweatshirt that she bought me. I like it, but the simple fact of the matter is I rarely wear sweatshirts. Plus, I got another one from my sister and I'm not likely to put them both to good use. I like the one my sister got me a little better because it has a zipper and can be worn like a jacket, unlike the pull-over that my mom gave me. Also, the one my sister gave me is plain, whereas the one my mom gave me is full of double entendre. On the back is a picture of a brown trout with the words 'Early Morning Rise' and on the front are the words 'Live by the Rod, Die by the Rod.' I know that if I keep it I'll be hearing comments like, "You know how I know you're gay?" every time I wear it.

(It's basically the same reason that I had to exchange her birthday present to me a few years ago when I got a t-shirt that had a rainbow trout with the caption 'Rainbow Warrior')

The other present that I can't make up my mind about is two AirSoft BB guns, colored pellets and targets to shoot them at. Apparently these things are quite popular right now, and it does seem like it could be fun, but it also seems like something that I'd use exactly once and then put in a drawer until I die, or until I give it away, whichever comes first.

Given such a difficult decision, I decided to ask Flieswithoutwings for his opinion.

Me: What would you do if you got AirSoft BB guns for Christmas? Would you keep them or take them back?
Him: I'd probably just give them to a kid or something.
Me: Yeah, but I don't think I could give them to my son.
Him: How old is he? It seems like I was about his age when I got one.
Me: He's ten. I didn't get my BB gun until I was 12.
Him: Me too. But I felt old. I knew kids that had them when we were younger than that. But they were kind of punks and would go around chopping up dead cats and stuff.
His Wife: Um, wouldn't that be incentive NOT to give them to your son when he's ten?