These lines were here long before we came around

This weekend I had dinner with Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend*. Afterward we were driving around and I mentioned that I should have cleaned my car before picking her up. I recently washed the exterior, mainly because one of my friends drew a huge cock-n-balls on the trunk when he walked past my car in the parking lot on campus and saw how dirty it was, but I haven't cleaned and vacuumed the interior in months.

Here's a brief description so you can visualize: There are several plastic and glass bottles on the floor in the back from my most recent road trip. I throw them back there while I'm driving so that I can recycle them when I get back home, but I keep forgetting they're there, so haven't taken them out yet. There are various cards and envelopes that friends gave me when I defended my dissertation (over two weeks ago!). There's a ziplock bag containing a few slices of banana bread - my mom gave me some last week, but I didn't eat all of it (sorry Mom - I know there are starving children in Africa who would have loved to have eaten that banana bread, but I forgot it was there until it was too scary to try - it hurts me too). A biology book sits atop numerous hand-outs and worksheets that I'll be handing out to my students eventually. A pair of basketball shorts that I'd removed from my gym bag in the trunk to go hot-tubbing in, washed afterward, and then put in the back seat because I was too lazy to open the trunk and actually stick them back in the gym bag where they belong. Mr M left fingerprints all over the rear and side windows. You get the point. I drive in squalor.

Her: I left a mark on your window the other day.

Me: You did? Where? This fingerprint on the driver's side?

Her: It wasn't just a fingerprint, I drew something.

Me: Well, I don't see it on here now. What did you draw?

Her: I drew a heart. I wanted to see if you'd notice it like you noticed that dick on your trunk.


I didn't notice the heart, but I did notice the dick. What does that say about me?

Wait, don't answer that.










*Yes, we're hanging out with each other again.

Do you know the muffin man?

After I had just finished eating a cookie for dessert at lunch yesterday:

Friend: Eat that last muffin.

Me: I can't.

Friend: It's yours. Eat it.

Me: Can't.

Friend: You can't let it go to waste. Eat it.

Me: I can't. I'm too full. Besides, it'll ruin my chocolate chip cookie mouth.

Friend: That might be the gayest thing you've ever said.

Love Bites

I drink water when I hang out with my friends. That stuff makes it's way through one's system pretty quickly. Tonight was no exception, so I found myself needing to go to the restroom several times. On one of my trips, the jukebox started playing Def Leppard.

I found myself standing at the urinal singing, "I don't want to touch you too much baby, but making love to you might drive me crazy."

Luckily the bathroom was empty.

Even so, I've never felt so gay in my entire life.

Boy you look like someone I used to know

Here's an email exchange I had yesterday with one of my best friends from high school:

Him: What are you doing today? Wanna go drag main?

Me: I'd love to drag main, but not at these gas prices, and only if I can meet up with [our high school crushes].

Him: We can peddle ourselves around if you want, like real old school days.

Me: I call handlebars.

Him: How are you gonna get the handlebars when we are on a unicycle?

But everybody's changing and I don't feel the same

It's time for me to reconsider my stance on sushi. I've always sworn I couldn't stand to eat the stuff. I gave sushi a chance, but when I still didn't like it after my third attempt at eating it, I figured it was because it really was gross. Ever since then, I've just been sticking with California and/or veggie rolls when I go with friends to a sushi place.

Several of my friends have been telling me for quite some time that the reason I don't like sushi is because I've never had good sushi, but I've remained skeptical. Until last Saturday. I told one of my friends that I'd go with him for an all you can eat sushi lunch. I figured I could try some of the "good" sushi, and if I still didn't like it, could fill up on stuff I knew I could handle. I told him to order two of what he'd normally get and I'd try it. If I didn't like it, he could finish it off. That turned out not to be a problem. I liked pretty much everything.

My friend asked me what I thought, so I told him.

"This lunch has made me reconsider my stance on sushi. It was pretty good. I guess you guys were right in saying that I didn't like it because I'd never tried good sushi. But, the first time I ever ate a salmon roll, it was all I could do to get it down without throwing up. I was determined to do it, but I was gagging the entire time."

He replied, "Well, it's a lot like the first time you sucked a dick. But then you got used to it after a while, and now you're making some money."

That gum you like is back in style

Friend: Can I have a piece of gum?

Me: Sure. What flavor would you like?

Friend: Whichever flavor is less gay.

Me: Um. You might be out of luck there.

Friend: Why? What are my choices?

Me: Citrus mint or raspberry mint.

I'm not tryin' to to to make a scene for you you you

After we went shoe shopping the other day, my friend and I went to a basketball game (I was able to convince her to go with the promise that if she did I'd help her clean her house for an hour after the game). Our team won. It was a blowout.

We sat by a little Asian boy (2-3 years old) and his father. The little boy was so cute. He sat still throughout the game. He watched the players. He watched the crowd. He'd clap when the rest of the crowd clapped. At one point he turned to my friend and said, "I have gum."

After a while I turned to my friend and said, "I want a young Asian boy."

She looked at me.

I quickly followed that up with, "Wait! That didn't come out right!"

I want to love you in my room

How to upgrade your bedroom in 31 easy steps. (Yes, I'm shamelessly ripping this idea off from Dan over at [Redacted]. So what?)

1. Buy a new set of bedroom furniture from somebody on Craig's List who has had a run of bad luck.

2. Assemble the new "Big Boy" bed in your room.

3. Come to the realization that the new bed is about the only thing that you're going to be able to fit in your room.

4. Store the dressers along the side of the garage for use later in life.

5. Set about getting new blankets, sheets, etc. for the new bed that fills up your entire bedroom. (This is a must if you've just upgraded from a twin to a queen sized bed.)

6. Start off with only a vague idea of what you're looking for.

7. Go to stores that carry such things as sheets and comforters.

8. When sales people approach you to see if they can help you find something, tell them that you'll know it when you see it.

9. Go to eight different stores and not find anything you like.

10. Resort to shopping online.

11. Go to several more stores' web sites.

12. Realize that the people who design comforters do not design them with men in mind. (Presumably because most men could care less about such things, but still, why does everything in the store have to look like it was designed for an eighty year old woman?)

13. Find a bed set that isn't quite what you pictured, but is on sale, and doesn't look too bad, thus making it the best option you've seen so far.

14. Look to see if it's in stock at a store near you.

15. Once you find out that it is in stock, close your web browser and drive to the store.

16. Locate the bed set you saw online.

17. Feel it to make sure it's not made of sandpaper.

18. Look around at all the other options at the store, realize again that all comforters are made for little old ladies, then settle on the one that you initially found online.

19. Make several girls you know look at it (either in a bag in the trunk of your car, or just at the picture online) so you can be sure that it won't make it look like you're gay when someone else sees it on your bed.

20. Once the girls have assured you that it doesn't look gay, wash everything and put it on the bed.

21. Go back to the store where you made the purchase so that you can get the oversized European sham stuffers that you held off on buying initially because you weren't 100% sold on the bed set you bought.

22. Tell yourself that even though you're going to buy oversized European sham stuffers, that doesn't necessarily make you gay.

23. Grab two oversized European sham stuffers off the shelf.

24. On your way to the front of the store notice a bed set out of the corner of your eye.

25. Turn and look at the bed set and realize that it's almost exactly what you had in mind when you started looking for this stuff in the first place.

26. Realize that you can't exchange the one you bought two days ago because you've already washed it and slept in it.

27. Sulk.

28. Understand that there's nothing you can do about it other than spend $150 on a bed set you don't need and proceed to the checkout line to purchase your oversized European sham stuffers.

29. Again, tell yourself that doesn't make you gay.

30. Stuff the oversized European shams.

31. Once all the shams, pillows and throws are arranged on your "Big Boy" bed, commence writing an application form for ladies that want to help you break in your new bed to fill out.

Ain't no right

I have a friend who likes to twist things that we say around to imply that we are gay. Shocking, I know, but you literally can't say anything around this guy that could be used a different way without him pointing it out. I'm not complaining. I think it's funny, and I do the same thing.

One time my friend said something suggesting that something someone had said made them gay (great attention to detail, I know), and another of my friends turned to him and said, "I'm surprised by the amount of gay stuff comes out of your mouth."

That cracked me up. I still use it as a comeback from time to time. However, it's not my favorite line to use. My favorite one comes from a boxing match a few years back. I don't even remember who the fighters were now, but I remember that in the weeks leading up to the fight, one of them kept implying that the other was gay. Before the fight, at the weigh in, this guy said something about it again. The other boxer responded with something like, "I'm not gay. Bring your sister over here right now and I'll prove it." That comment started a pre-fight brawl. It was awesome.

So, when my friend tells me that something I said makes me gay, I use the boxer's response. If there's one thing I'm very capable of doing, it's beating a joke into the ground*, but it doesn't start any brawls when I say it.

Yesterday I went Christmas shopping with my friend. He said something to me, and I responded, but this time I tweaked it a little. I said, "I'm not gay. Bring your niece over here right now and I'll prove it."

Somehow that took it to a whole new level of creepiness.





*For example, ever since seeing National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation when I was in high school my response to "Where does this go?" or "Where am I supposed to put that?" has been "Bend over and I'll show you."

Come on baby be my bad boyfriend

Some friends of mine spend a lot of time baking cookies and giving them out to their friends every Christmas. The cookies are quite fancy, and quite tasty. They gave me a plate full last week. Having the sweet tooth that I do, it only took a couple of days to plow through them. Through most of them at least. However, there were a couple that I didn't eat. I didn't go to work for a few days, and those just sat on my desk uncovered. When I went back to work earlier this week, I offered one of them to a guy I work with. He grabbed one, took a bite, and realized that it had gotten very hard in the time it had sat uncovered.

Him: I'll swallow it, but only because it's in my mouth.

Me: Is that your motto for everything?

Him: Pretty much.

Me: In that case, I've got something else for you.