Every time I find myself in this old bind watching the death of my hopes

Last weekend I went out to dinner with three lovely ladies.  We went to a bar and grill where apparently a lot of rednecks like to spend their evenings on the weekend.  In fairness, this is Utah, so that probably describes EVERY bar and grill in the entire state.

We'd finished eating and were just sitting around chatting and listening to the band (if you can call it that, at first we thought it was karaoke until we realized that they never changed singers).  At some point, a 300 pound dude in a camouflage fleece at the table next to us turned around and realized how close he was three very attractive women.  He asked if I was married to any of them.  I said I was married to all three of them.  He must not have believed me because he began using his pick-up lines:

"Hi, I'm Jerry.  I fart, I watch porn, and sometimes I play video games.  I figure I'll start off being honest and we can take it from there."

Oddly enough, the ladies didn't swoon.  Weird.

But Jerry wouldn't be deterred.  He went for his back-up line.  "Do you hunt ducks?"

"No."

"Well, what animals do you hunt?"

"We don't hunt any animals.  We study them."

"Have you ever even shot a gun?"

"Not at anything living.  No."

This came as a shock to Jerry.  He needed something else, and quick.  Another fall-back line.

"Do you smoke?"

"No."

"C'mon, let's go smoke."

"None of us smoke."

"Well, there's a fireplace out there.  Let's go get some fresh air."

"There won't be any fresh air because you'll be SMOKING."  My friend then pointed to a burn mark on his fleece shirt and said, "Besides, I don't trust you with a cigarette since you can't even keep the ashes off yourself judging by this burn."

He kept trying.  He asked if they wanted to see his 1979 motor home with a black light.  He asked if they wanted to go hunting ducks in the morning.  He asked if he could buy them a drink.  When none of that worked he asked if they were lesbians.  Two friends said they were together and he said, "I should've known."  He then turned around and went back to his table.  One of his friends saw that as an open opportunity and swooped in.

"So, how do you guys know Jerry?"

"We don't.  Jerry was just saying hi."

"So, are you having a good time?"

"Oh yeah, it's turning into a GREAT night."

"What?  You think you're too cool for me?"

"No.  I'm not cool at all."

He left too.

It was hilarious to watch that all, but at the same time it was exhausting.  I'm glad I'm not an attractive woman and have to deal with that every time I go out somewhere.

But hey, at least now I know what lines NOT to try in the future.

So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up?

One of my friends has a name that doesn't fit his physical appearance at all. One time he was paying for something with a credit card and the cashier said, "I need your card, sir." He said, "That is my card." The guy ran it, but was still skeptical.

The other day my friend told me that he stopped at a Starbucks, and was chatting up the barista when she looked past him and called his name out.

He said, "That's me."

She said, "Oh. You're [Name]? That's awesome!"

He told me, "I just nodded, but I was thinking, 'if you think that's awesome you should see my cock.'"

I'm sure she would've just melted upon hearing that.

Baby come and spend some time with Mr. Wrong

It's been a while since I've come up with a good pick up line to pass on to you, but that doesn't mean I'm incapable of coming up with them. Take the other night for example when I came up with one that was good enough that my friend called our server over to have me see whether she'd go for it.

She came to our table, and he said, "He's got a line you need to hear, but let me give you the set-up first. A girl walked in a little while ago and she had a nice body, but then I saw her face and it left a lot to be desired. He just came up with a pick up line you can use in those cases. What do you think?"

She said, "Ok, let's hear it."

So I covered my eyes and said, "Baby, I don't even care what you look like, I just want to stick it in."

I implore you to go ahead and try it. Let me know how it works.

I met my wife at a party where I drank too much

It's been a while since I've listed any pick up lines. I'm not feeling very original these days so I didn't come up with these, but have listed from whence they came. You can see that they're pretty much guaranteed to work.

One of my former students (not to me): You have 206 bones in your body. Would you like one more?

Captain Zap Brannigan: I like your style. I find it somewhat erotic.

Grampa: You have beautiful eyes, now bend over.

My Navajo Friend: Say baby, you ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?

Let's undress just like cross-eyed strangers

Me: Oh man, there was this girl at the grocery store the other day, you should have seen her. She was gorgeous.

Him: Yeah?

Me: Yeah. I kept passing her while I was working my way through the aisles, then she ended up standing behind me in line at the checkout. She was hot. I couldn't stop looking at her. Not in a way that was too obvious of course, but still.

Him: Did she have a ring?

Me: No. That's the first thing I checked. If I had any sac at all I would have asked her if she had a boyfriend. The problem is, how do you pull that kind of thing off?

Him: I've never done that.

Me: Neither have I.

Him: Did you even talk to her?

Me: Yeah, but just small talk. I wouldn't even know how to go from "This sure is a long line" to "Can I have your number?"

Him: Oh, that's easy. You just say, "Long line huh? You want to come over later and see my long dick?"

Funny, I don't remember telling him that I was actually using the mascara.

Hey, are you lonely?*

I don't anticipate the new year having much effect on my luck with the ladies, but I've been thinking about ways to improve the way in which I approach one when I see her.

And by improve, I mean do more than just leer at her from across the room.

The problem for me is, what do you say to a complete stranger without sounding desparate, or coming across as some kind of a creep? **

Here are a few things that seem to work in songs, but probably wouldn't be effective in real life:

• Death From Above, 1979: I don't need you, I want you.
• Poe: Hey pretty, don't you wanna take a ride with me?
• Killers: Don't you want to feel my bones, on your bones? It's only natural.
• Garbage: If we sleep together will you like me better?
• Nine Inch Nails: Kinda I want to maybe and just for tonight, we could pretend it's alright.***
• Primus: Say baby do you wanna lay down by my side?
• Stone Temple Pilots: I'm gonna give you something that you won't forget, I said you shouldn't have worn that dress.
• Tenacious D: Get on top honey. You do what you like.
• dEUS: Let's do it serpentine anytime, let's do it right here.
• Lords of Acid: I want to sit on your face.
• Machine Gun Fellatio: I like lips and eyes and mouth and smooth soft skin.
• NOFX: My name's Louise, now would you take your clothes off please?
• Damien Rice: Do you wanna get boned, you wanna get stoned, you wanna get a room like no-one else, you wanna be rich, you wanna be kitsch, you wanna be the bastard of yourself, you wanna get burned, you wanna get turned, you wanna get fucked inside out?
• Pedro the Lion: Just one more kiss, just one more touch, please ten more minutes.

* Remy Zero

**Especially in this town where any attractive girl has already been hit on at least 749 times by the time I see her that day.

*** Obviously this is very mild compared to some NIN lyrics I could have used.

Say baby do you wanna lay down with me

I find it funny when I think about different pick up lines some guys will use to come on to a pretty woman they meet. I'm pretty sure that 99.9% of the time these just make the women think that the guy is a complete loser. I'm also pretty sure that I wouldn't want to be with the 0.1% of women who might fall for some of them.

Here are some I've actually heard people use:

"You must be tired."
"Why would I be tired?"
"You've been running through my mind all night."

"You have a pretty smile, you should use it more often." This was to a woman he just met, as if he had any clue about how much she 'used her smile.'

"Are you looking for a balding, slightly overweight middle aged man? Let me give you my number." This was one some guy used on my ex-girlfriend at a gas station, and I think her response was "No thanks, I've already got a middle aged man."

"Nice bum, where you from?" Ok, so this one was one that my brother's roommates always used to say, but as far as I know they never actually tried using it on a girl.

Here are some that I've heard people joke about using:

"You're from Vegas, I'm from Vegas, how about it?"

"That dress looks nice on you. I think it would look even better on my bedroom floor."

"That shirt is very becoming on you. Of course if I were on you, I'd be cumming too."

"Nice shoes, wanna fuck?"

Obviously I could go on and on, but I'm really just trying to set up this one that I thought about while I was at the pool last weekend. It's bound to get results every time.

"How old are you? Are you allergic to latex?"

I may have heard that somewhere else, but can't place it if I have. But what woman wouldn't be putty in my hands if I actually used it on them?

One final note: A woman could use any of these on a man and have great success.