Every time I find myself in this old bind watching the death of my hopes

Last weekend I went out to dinner with three lovely ladies.  We went to a bar and grill where apparently a lot of rednecks like to spend their evenings on the weekend.  In fairness, this is Utah, so that probably describes EVERY bar and grill in the entire state.

We'd finished eating and were just sitting around chatting and listening to the band (if you can call it that, at first we thought it was karaoke until we realized that they never changed singers).  At some point, a 300 pound dude in a camouflage fleece at the table next to us turned around and realized how close he was three very attractive women.  He asked if I was married to any of them.  I said I was married to all three of them.  He must not have believed me because he began using his pick-up lines:

"Hi, I'm Jerry.  I fart, I watch porn, and sometimes I play video games.  I figure I'll start off being honest and we can take it from there."

Oddly enough, the ladies didn't swoon.  Weird.

But Jerry wouldn't be deterred.  He went for his back-up line.  "Do you hunt ducks?"

"No."

"Well, what animals do you hunt?"

"We don't hunt any animals.  We study them."

"Have you ever even shot a gun?"

"Not at anything living.  No."

This came as a shock to Jerry.  He needed something else, and quick.  Another fall-back line.

"Do you smoke?"

"No."

"C'mon, let's go smoke."

"None of us smoke."

"Well, there's a fireplace out there.  Let's go get some fresh air."

"There won't be any fresh air because you'll be SMOKING."  My friend then pointed to a burn mark on his fleece shirt and said, "Besides, I don't trust you with a cigarette since you can't even keep the ashes off yourself judging by this burn."

He kept trying.  He asked if they wanted to see his 1979 motor home with a black light.  He asked if they wanted to go hunting ducks in the morning.  He asked if he could buy them a drink.  When none of that worked he asked if they were lesbians.  Two friends said they were together and he said, "I should've known."  He then turned around and went back to his table.  One of his friends saw that as an open opportunity and swooped in.

"So, how do you guys know Jerry?"

"We don't.  Jerry was just saying hi."

"So, are you having a good time?"

"Oh yeah, it's turning into a GREAT night."

"What?  You think you're too cool for me?"

"No.  I'm not cool at all."

He left too.

It was hilarious to watch that all, but at the same time it was exhausting.  I'm glad I'm not an attractive woman and have to deal with that every time I go out somewhere.

But hey, at least now I know what lines NOT to try in the future.

Let's start at the beginning, let's go back to square one, I never loved you, I've never loved anyone

Remember that ridiculous Vegas wedding I attended a few years ago? The one where everyone dressed up like pimps? The one with a porno actress in attendance? (Come to think of it, I may have neglected to mention that when I blogged about it before.) Well, my sister came across a calendar featuring said porn actress. Of course she bought it. Of course she mailed it to me. Of course I'm blogging about it.

If you had told me it was possible to make a lingerie/swimsuit calendar with zero negative sex appeal when I was younger, I'd have thought you were insane. Yet, somehow, this exists:

January

February

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

October

November

December


There were actually two that she sent. One was for me, one was for a friend of hers that was also at the wedding. She told me to pick my "favorite" and send the other on to him. It rained the day they were delivered. So I kept this one, not because I liked it best, but because several of the pages were stuck together, and I couldn't have her friend thinking he'd been the unwilling recipient of a "used" calendar.

I'll go away now.

You can come over to my place if you want to, you can do anything you want to do

It's time for another example of why you shouldn't open your mouth unless you want an honest response to what it is that you're saying.

The other day a girl came over and I ended up making some banana pancakes for us. I had music playing the whole time, and one of my favorite songs came on.

Me: Do you know who sings this song?
Her: I don't know. Wilco?
Me: It's They Might Be Giants.
Her: I figured it was one of your favorite bands.
Me: But you didn't know which one. I'm going to have to ask you to leave now.
Girl (looking at her plate): That's ok. I'm almost done anyway.

I just want to be your firecracker, maybe be your baby tonight

The last step on my list of 'how to upgrade your bedroom' said to create an application form for ladies who want to help break in the new bed to fill out. Well, from here on out I shall refer to these ladies as the 'Classy Ladies' (It's an old inside joke I have with one of my friends that I don't care to explain right now - just go with it).

Here's the application I came up with, in case any of you are inclined to apply.


CLASSY LADY APPLICATION

Name:

Age:

Sex*:

Height:

Weight:

Are you employed?
If yes, what is your position?
What is your salary?
Does any part of your job require the removal of your clothing?

Have you ever been diagnosed with, or do any of your family and friends think you might have, bipolar disorder?
How about any other psychological disorder?

Do you have hair?
If yes, how long?
What color?
Is it dyed?

Is your belly button an innie or an outie?
Is it pierced?
Do you have any other piercings?
If yes, please describe:


Do you have any tattoos?
If yes, how many?
What are they of?
Where are they located?
Will you show them to me?

Do you have teeth?
All of them?
If no, where are the missing teeth located?
Do you have fake teeth to fill the gap?

What color are your eyes?
Are one or more of your eyes made of glass?

Do you have a wooden leg?
If no, would you like one?

Do you have breasts?
If yes, are they lopsided?
What size?
Are they real?
Are they motorboatable?

Underwear preference (circle one):
Thong
Granny Panty
Victoria's Secret seamless
Commando

Do you have any facial hair, such as a mustache or unibrow?
If yes, please describe:


Do you have kids?
If yes, how many?
If more than one, how many dads?

Do you have any super-powers?
If so, are they used for good or evil?

Are you proficient in yoga or gymnastics?

Do you cook?
If yes, are you adept at handling poisons?

Are you allergic to latex?

Do you like brie?

Have you ever severed a penis and hurled it out the window of a moving vehicle?
Have you ever severed a penis and not hurled it out the window of a moving vehicle?





*Obviously the wrong answer to some of these questions can automatically exclude someone from consideration.