But you will not recognize how I might die inside unless I ride

One more post about California, then I'll move on. I swear.

When we were at the beach and saw dolphins, I joked to my friends that I was going to swim out there so I could ride one. Later, I said something about how I wanted to see a shark, so I could swim out there and ride it.

The next day we had just finished dinner and my friend asked what we wanted to do with the rest of the evening. She suggested we walk down to the Santa Monica pier.

I told her I thought that would be a good idea, and that maybe while we were there we could ride the ferris wheel.

She said, "You've been wanting to ride stuff since you got here. First it was the dolphins, then the sharks, then the waitress at breakfast, and now this."

I replied, "I am on vacation you know."

When I put myself in the picture of success

As promised, here are a few pics from my long holiday weekend.

Beach in Malibu



La Brea Tar Pits

Wall of Dire Wolf skulls:


A very dramatic scene:

(Trumpet all you want Little Mastodon, but your mother is screwed.)

LA County Museum of Art

Ancient sculptures from Mexico:


Mobiles:



Lamp posts out front:



Venice Beach

My friend's favorite part about Muscle Beach:



My favorite part about Muscle Beach:



A suicidal cat:



And of course, FIREWORKS:







Mission San Gabriel

We've got California in our eyes come on and catch us if you can

Has it really been a week since I last posted? Don't worry, I didn't drop off the face of the earth. Almost, but not quite. I went to California for the long holiday weekend.

Here's a little bit of what I've been up to since I last posted:

Thursday 7/1
Drove to California from Vegas - Saw Sloan perform at House of Blues in Los Angeles.

Friday 7/2
Hit the beach in Malibu - saw my first dolphins in the wild. Perhaps more importantly, saw many babes in bikinis. Spent the evening walking around a shopping area near my friend's apartment, bought some cool fish mugs, and tried some of the best Indian food I've had in quite some time.

Saturday 7/3
Visited the La Brea tar pits and the L.A. County Museum of Art. While there, my friend painted a picture of my "essence", and I did the same for her husband. I'll scan those later. I'm not going to lie, they're pretty amazing pieces of art. Also saw an Andy Warhol exhibit, and a lot of other cool things. Had dinner at an amazing Italian restaurant (apparently ranked top 10 for L.A., but we didn't know that until we were already seated), and even proposed to a piece of chocolate cake with a diamond ring and all. The cake said no. Still we had an amazing night together, but in the morning she was gone. Later we walked back down to the beach at Santa Monica, and saw a pretty cool fireworks display that was going on near Malibu. I'm now convinced that nothing beats sitting alone on a beach watching fireworks. It turned out to be much more enjoyable than the fireworks display we "saw" on Independence Day.

Sunday 7/4
Walked along Venice Beach and saw all of the associated madness. I wanted to get my picture taken with the "Kush Doctor" but didn't want to have to explain that I didn't actually want a prescription for medical marijuana. There was a muscleman competition going on at muscle beach, which I found hilarious for some reason. (Probably just jealousy.) Later we went back to the beach near my friend's apartment, then tried to go south to see a fireworks show at Marina Del Ray. It was a madhouse, and by the time we found a spot to sit, we quickly realized that we couldn't see any fireworks, so we just left before it was done. Luckily we'd seen a better fireworks display the night before so didn't feel too sorry for ourselves.

Monday 7/5
Toured Mission San Gabriel. It was pretty cool to see a little about the history of colonization of Southern California. I also saw a little bit of the UCLA campus and then drove home to Vegas.

In other words, it was not a bad way to spend a few days. I'll post pictures later. (I got some pretty cool ones.)

Spent the night in Utah in a cave up in the hills

I spent the 4th of July at Capitol Reef.






You know you're jealous. Again.

Well, I shuffled through the city on the 4th of July, I had a firecracker ready to blow

I'm visiting my parents for the 4th of July. Earlier today, we went downtown to take a look at an antique car show, and a few of the other festivities at the city park. After a short while, I told my brother that there weren't any hot girls, so I might as well go back home.

Him: What do you have against hometown hotties?

Me: I don't have anything against them. There just aren't any.

Him: Sure there are.

Me: Go ahead. Find me one hot girl who doesn't have a child or a husband in tow.


Approximately five minutes later.

Him: Hmmm. Do they have to be out of high school?

Me: This place is teeming with cops, so I'm going to have to say yes.

So I'm drinkin' drinkin' drinkin' drinkin' Coca Coca Cola

I celebrated Independence Day by writing a final exam. I'm not sure this one's hard enough to make people cry, but we'll see. Around lunch time my friend sent me a text message asking if I wanted to join him for lunch. I said yes, and we met up at a deli we frequent.

Usually I try to go with the healthier choices on the menu, but since it was a holiday and all, I figured I'd get something different: a pulled pork sandwich.

Friend: Wow. That's not something you'd normally get.
Me: I know, but I saw someone with it the last time we came here and I thought it looked good.
Friend: It does look good, but it's not very healthy.
Me: Well, it is the 4th of July. I'm celebrating America by celebrating obesity.

A great place for water wings and cannonballs

Some of you have already seen this picture, but there are some who haven't and might be interested. Someone took it at one of the pool parties I went to while my kids were in town for the 4th of July. It's blurry, but I like it.

Scarface Jr.

I don't know why I didn't post this picture sooner since it relates to one of the cutest things I've seen all year, but better late than never, right?

I already told you about my three year old's potty mouth at the 4th of July pool party. I forgot to tell you about how I had taught him to say (in as deep a voice as a three year old can get) "Say hello to my little friend" just before shooting people with the squirt guns in the pool.

Anyway, imagine that he's just finished saying that here:


I know, I know, it's hard to take someone seriously as a gangster when they require water wings and an inner tube to stay afloat. We're working on that.

I don't care if I ever go back

One thing I forgot to talk about regarding the baseball game and the fireworks extravaganza the other night. That is about halfway through the game my 10 year old son turned to me and asked the question that every parent dreads:

"Dad, what's puberty? "

Considering that it wasn't really the time or place to have that conversation, I just said "It's changes that happen to your body as you grow up. I'll tell you more about it later when we're not in a public place." That seemed to satsify him so I didn't bring it up again later. I think he's still too young for that talk.

Anyway, his mom came to pick them up today and I told her about it. He overheard me and chimed in:

Him: "It wasn't at the game Dad, it was at the pool party."
Me: "No, it was at the game."
Him: "It was at the party. I'd bet my life on it."
Me: "Dude, I know it was at the game. I remember how you were sitting when you asked. I'd bet my life on it."
Him: "Well Dad, it was nice knowing you."

Well it's too late, tonight

I took my kids to a 4th of July pool party that one of my friends was throwing at his house. My kids had a blast. They spent a lot of time in the pool, playing with whoever would go in the pool with them, and squirting those who weren't in the pool with water guns. After a while I was curious if my 3 year old had picked up the names of the people he was spending the most time playing with, starting with the dog.

Me: "Do you know that dog's name?"
Him: "Aaron."
Me (pointing at my friend): "Good, do you know his name?"
Him: "Aaron."
Me (pointing at another friend): "Do you know her name?"
Him: "Fuck."

I only wish I were making this up.

Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks

Last night I took my kids to a triple A baseball game. My ten year old has always been interested in baseball, but didn't actually start working at it until this summer. It was cute when he'd call me up and tell me all about his games, especially when he'd start talking about the next one. For example, his team was in the playoffs and had lost their first game but won their next two (it was a double elimination tournament), and their next game was against the team that had already beat them. He said "They beat us last time, but now they've lost one game too, so we're going to get our revenge and knock them out of the playoffs." Unfortunately, that didn't end up happening and my son's team was out instead.

My three year old fell asleep in the car on the way out, so we didn't stop to eat anywhere before the game. I figured I'd just get them each a hot dog at the park, I just forgot that four hot dogs and drinks at a stadium would cost me $30. Between that and the fact that tickets cost more than I expected I probably spent more than I wanted to, but hopefully it's something they'll remember doing with their dad.

The game was a total blowout. Our team fell behind in the second inning, and before we knew it they were down 12 to 0. My daughter paid more attention to the game than my son who is supposedly interested in baseball, and my three year old started whining to go home starting in the first inning. On top of that, it was hot and humid (for Vegas anyway) and we probably would have left if not for the fact that there was going to be a "fireworks extravaganza" immediately following the game. Every time my three year old said he wanted to go home I told him we had to wait for the fireworks. As soon as they started he forgot all about going home. I'm not sure he's old enough to remember seeing them last year because he was totally captivated by them. Once they started I said "Ok, it's time to go home now." All of a sudden he didn't want to anymore.

Luckily, the home team was actually able to come up with some offense during the last inning and started to score some runs. To my older son's credit, he did start paying attention to the game when there was some excitement there. The last inning and the fireworks were enough to salvage the experience for my kids. They all said that it was fun and that they were glad we went, even though it was hot and muggy and the home team stunk. I'm just thankful for the time I get to spend with them.

A real live nephew of my Uncle Sam's

Whatever your plans are for this 4th of July, you should probably stay clear of doing this.