I'm not looking for a warm embrace, I'm not looking for a friendly face, I've got everything I need

Uncle: How old are you again?

Me: I'm 35. Why?

Mom: He doesn't want to be set up.

Uncle: Okay, how about just introduced?

Me: Uh. I guess that'd be okay.

Uncle: I know this girl who lives near you and works in the medical field. Gorgeous girl. She's 31, so pretty close to your age.

Me: She's probably too old for me then.

I'm sorry my girl but you'll never make a wife

Me: That girl just asked me if I'd have a beer with her if she could guarantee that I could make out with one of her friends later.

Friend 1: Well, there's only one of her friends that'd be worth making out with. What did you tell her?

Me: What do you think I said? Of course I said no.

Friend 1: Well, the odds definitely aren't in your favor. That'd be like playing Russian roulette.


-------------------------------THE NEXT DAY-------------------------------


Me: I told [Friend 1] about it last night, and he said it'd be like playing Russian roulette.

Friend 2: Well, he's right.

Me: I know. Especially with that ugly friend of hers.

Friend 2: Ugly? That's an understatement. I think I have PTSD.

'Cause everything beautiful is far away

Driving across the Great Plains gets a little boring. Not only is the landscape the same, but there's not even much to look at in terms of girls riding in vehicles that you pass.

After several hours of driving on the way to Minneapolis, my friend said, "That girl was pretty cute."

So I did what any red blooded American male would do: I looked in the rear view mirror. I just shook my head.

Friend: What? You don't think she's cute?
Me: Not at all.
Friend: Really?
Me: Really! You have to remember, this isn't Vegas. We're in the mid-west. There aren't any cute girls here. I think you were looking at her through mid-west goggles.
Friend: Mid-west goggles?
Me: You know. Like beer goggles. Except you're not drinking. I'm just looking out for you man. I'd hate to see you end up with an ugly chick who's only slightly less ugly than all the other chicks out here.


A little while later, we passed another girl.

Me: Was she cute?
Friend: Well, I thought so. But now you've got me second guessing everything.
Me: It's for the best. That way you're careful to make sure you're not getting into something you're going to regret.


Mid-west goggles: Not quite the same as Poonoculars^TM. You need to be aware of their existence. Especially if you'll be driving through that part of the U.S.

I just want to be your firecracker, maybe be your baby tonight

The last step on my list of 'how to upgrade your bedroom' said to create an application form for ladies who want to help break in the new bed to fill out. Well, from here on out I shall refer to these ladies as the 'Classy Ladies' (It's an old inside joke I have with one of my friends that I don't care to explain right now - just go with it).

Here's the application I came up with, in case any of you are inclined to apply.


CLASSY LADY APPLICATION

Name:

Age:

Sex*:

Height:

Weight:

Are you employed?
If yes, what is your position?
What is your salary?
Does any part of your job require the removal of your clothing?

Have you ever been diagnosed with, or do any of your family and friends think you might have, bipolar disorder?
How about any other psychological disorder?

Do you have hair?
If yes, how long?
What color?
Is it dyed?

Is your belly button an innie or an outie?
Is it pierced?
Do you have any other piercings?
If yes, please describe:


Do you have any tattoos?
If yes, how many?
What are they of?
Where are they located?
Will you show them to me?

Do you have teeth?
All of them?
If no, where are the missing teeth located?
Do you have fake teeth to fill the gap?

What color are your eyes?
Are one or more of your eyes made of glass?

Do you have a wooden leg?
If no, would you like one?

Do you have breasts?
If yes, are they lopsided?
What size?
Are they real?
Are they motorboatable?

Underwear preference (circle one):
Thong
Granny Panty
Victoria's Secret seamless
Commando

Do you have any facial hair, such as a mustache or unibrow?
If yes, please describe:


Do you have kids?
If yes, how many?
If more than one, how many dads?

Do you have any super-powers?
If so, are they used for good or evil?

Are you proficient in yoga or gymnastics?

Do you cook?
If yes, are you adept at handling poisons?

Are you allergic to latex?

Do you like brie?

Have you ever severed a penis and hurled it out the window of a moving vehicle?
Have you ever severed a penis and not hurled it out the window of a moving vehicle?





*Obviously the wrong answer to some of these questions can automatically exclude someone from consideration.

Starfuckers, Inc.

My brother, Dr. Psycho, told me a little while ago that he might be picking up some contract work from a rehab center that a lot of rich people and celebrities go to.

Now, it's probably not the most ethical thing, but I told him to try and set me up with the next Hollywood starlet that comes through. It doesn't even matter who it is really, as long as she's rich and famous. Lindsay Lohan? Britney Spears? Check and check. Those girls aren't really what I'd consider to be my "type," but then again, I'm shallow, so them being rich would be enough for a while. Just once I'd like to experience receiving a Ferrari for a birthday or Christmas present.

I'd totally be ok with being the next Kevin Federline.