I'm just a kid who gets his drinks from you and stands around and doesn't have a clue

Last Friday I dropped Togers off at his mom's (he's living with me now, by the way) and went to meet up with a friend for dinner.  There was a new bar that had opened up near his house that he wanted to check out, so we went there.  It was alright.

I ordered some food, and the bartender asked if I just wanted to start a tab.  I told her yeah, and that she could go ahead and put my friend's drinks on it as well.

He asked, "Are you sure?"

I said, "Yeah, just as long as you put out later."

After I finished my food, I saw that they actually had s'mores on the menu, so I had to get that for dessert.  She said that the banana nutella s'mores were her favorite, and that earlier in the day she'd been back in the kitchen licking every last bit off a plate.  When she brought it out I told her she could have some, so she dipped her finger in the melted marshmallow goo and nutella and licked it off as she walked away.

After that she kept coming back just to talk.  At one point my friend pointed out that she wasn't even talking to him when she came by, only me.  The next time she walked by she asked me to feel her arm.  My friend tried to convince me that she might be interested and that I should try to get her number.  I, however, know that she works for tips, so figured she was just being friendly since I was the one with the open tab.

Later, he went to the bathroom.  While he was gone, I started thinking about my most recent break up (the weekend after Valentine's Day - Awesome), when she came by and struck a pose mocking the serious look on my face.

I laughed, then she said, "Where did he go?" and motioned toward my friend's empty seat.

"I don't know.  I paid for his drinks and everything, then he just got up and left me all alone."

"Fucking men," she said.

I'm guessing she thought I was gay.

Let's watch the flowers grow

Oh yeah, I've been meaning to post pics from a couple of weeks ago when I went to the 'Tulip Festival.' I know that sounds gay, but I was with two chicks. I swear. I'm annoyed that I forgot to take my camera because if I had, the pictures would have turned out nicer than these that were taken using my phone. Oh well.

Got a devil's haircut in my mind

Last Friday I went in for a haircut appointment. It was my first time going to this guy. He came highly recommended from the guy who cut my hair in Vegas, so I figured he'd do a good job.

When he finished with the haircut and was washing my hair he asked, "Have you ever had your eyebrows trimmed? I'm going to do that right now."

I said, "I haven't, but are they really that bad?"

"Yes!"

We haven't met and that's okay

On the first day of my summer class, I was going down the roster to see who was in attendance to find out if I had extra room for a few people who were trying to add. When I got to the 'M's, one student's last name was Montana.

Me (after calling out their name): Any relation to Hannah?

Student: No, but Joe is my uncle.

Me: Really?

Student: No.

The most disturbing thing about this exchange was this: Why wasn't Joe Montana the first celebrity to pop into my mind?

And I get lonely, but I ain't that lonely yet

A little over a month ago I got a text from a friend as I was getting ready for bed. Apparently there was something extremely funny written on a mutual friend's facebook page, and she said I needed to go check it out.

I did.

It was a comment left by a gay friend of theirs. He asked her what she thought my reaction would be if he offered me a "no-strings attached" blow job.

At the time I joked that I didn't know if I should be repulsed, flattered, or both.

I told the story to another of my friends and she thought it was hilarious. She did a little cyberstalking and came to the conclusion that this guy would make a pretty hot chick. Her take: "I think you should just put him in a dress and go for it."

Fast forward to today's departmental seminar. I was sitting next to the girl who initially alerted me to the comment, and she pointed out that the kid was also in the audience. Another friend that I was sitting by had heard the story and wanted to see what the guy looked like. We pointed him out.

"That's a GUY?"

"Yeah."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah. Why? Don't tell me you're going to be of the same mind as [Friend] when she saw his pictures."

"What did she say again?"

"She said I should just put him in a dress and go for it."

"I think she might be right."



I seriously need to figure out a way to stop these apparent gay vibes from emanating out from me.

She's got hands like a man's with hair on the back

I lost my Swiss Army key-chain knife a few weeks ago. To most of you this wouldn't be a big deal, but you see, it's how I trim my nails. Finger and toe. I also have crooked toes. Crooked toes and long toe nails are not a good combination for me because that's when a few of my toenails try to become ingrown. So last night I got a pedicure in an attempt to curb the ingrowingness of some of my toenails.

While getting my toes worked on, a tall women with enormous breasts walked in to get her nails done. Or so I thought. When "she" opened her mouth to tell the nail person what "she" wanted, it was a voice that was way too low to be a woman's. At that point I felt a little dirty for admiring "her" breasts. But who am I to judge? After all, I was in a nail salon getting a pedicure.

When I went up to the front counter to pay, the tranny looked at me and asked, "So what color did you get?"

"No color."

"You didn't opt for glittery nails? Or maybe something army green?"

"Nope."

"Did you like it?"

"I did."

"Isn't she amazing?"

"She is*. I'll probably have to come back on a more regular basis."

"I like a man who takes care of his feet."

"Not many do. Have a nice day."

Once again, I didn't get a number.








*The lady who gave me the pedicure was hot too - I couldn't help but think naughty things while she was massaging my feet.

You're a superstar at the gay bar

Last night one of my gay friends texted me:

Him: Did you get it figured out babe?

Me: Figure what out? Are you drunk texting me again*?

Him: Ha ha. OMG [Minnow] yes.

Me: Thought so.

Him: Maybe I should call you babe more often. What do you think?

Me: Whatever floats your boat. At least someone would be calling me that.

Him: I've been calling you that in my dreams for a while. You should hook a brother up.

Me: Well you know right now I'm about to take some toenail polish** off. I'm halfway there.

Him: Well, if you need a bj you know who to call.

Me: Thanks. I'll keep that in mind.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few minutes later I got a text from another friend:

Him: Is something going on between you and [Gay Friend]?

Me: Just sexting.

Him: Ha. I'm in the car with him.

Me: I figured. I might have him all hot and ready for you.

Him: Thanks. Hopefully he rides bareback tonight.

Me: I heard he always does.

Him: He tricked me then.








*I don't know who my number is next to in his phone, but this is the third or fourth time he's texted me by mistake, and it's always regarding something about which I have no clue.

**They put on some kind of clear coat when my friend convinced me to go get a pedicure with her the other day. The shiny toenails have been driving me crazy ever since, but I just now got around to purchasing stuff to remove it with.

The body says no no no no

Last night I saw the girl whose boobs I said no to a couple weeks ago. She came over to talk to me and my friend as soon as she saw us.

Her (to my friend): He said no to my boobs last time. Can you believe that?

Him: I heard the story. I told him that I'd be happy to buy a round of shots and take them out to you guys if it meant I got to see boobs.

Her (to him): I know, right?

Her (to me): Are you sure you aren't gay?

Me: Pretty sure.

Looks like my actions* backfired.










*I wasn't even intentionally** playing hard to get when I said no to her boobs. I just had somewhere else I needed to be that night and I was already going to be late.

**I haven't been reading The Game, even though I could probably use some tips.

Remember when you didn't have to look ahead or behind you

I've mentioned the phallic root model before. It brings out giggles every semester when it makes its appearance, and last week's lab was no exception.

One of my students asked me to come show her the difference between a couple of things she was supposed to be able to identify through a microscope. While I was trying to find the various things to show to her and giving her explanations, I heard the group of students behind me giggling.

I turned around, and saw them holding the root model and thought nothing more of it.

Until now.

This picture was just emailed to me, and now I know what the giggling was really all about.

Leave him alone 'cause the boy's bad news

Me: Have you seen Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog? If not, you should watch it.

Friend: No. What is it?

Me: It's a project that Neil Patrick Harris and a few others did during the writer's strike. It's about 45 minutes long.

Friend: Okay, I will watch during lunch. However, [Boss] is coming back to town and I have to be on my best behavior at work now.

Me: Neil Patrick Harris plays a character named Dr. Horrible who is trying to gain acceptance into the Evil League of Evil, and he's in love with a girl, and it's a musical, and it's very bizarre, and hilarious.

Friend: It sounds lame, are you SURE its funny?

Me: Yes.

Friend: And are you SURE you aren't gay?


This would be the time when I would normally say "Yes, I'm sure I'm not gay. Bring your sister over and I'll prove it." Luckily, I caught myself and remembered that my friend's sister died a few years ago. That would've been as bad as the time I used a "your mom" joke on a friend whose parents died when he was young.

A boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk

Friday night I went with some friends to a gay bar.

It was my first time being in such an establishment.

I made it through the night without anyone hitting on me.

I don't know whether I should be relieved, or if I should feel rejected.

Besides I don't wanna be the one who's coming out first

I found out yesterday that one of my former students thinks I'm gay. He was talking to a gay guy I know, and told him that I set off his gaydar. I think he needs to take his gaydar in for a tune up if that's the case.

I told another friend about that while he and I were proctoring an exam. We had this conversation when we finished:

Friend: I'll see you later.
Me: At trivia.
Friend: Did you really feel the need to clarify?
Me: Well, yeah, since apparently I set off people's gaydar.
Other Proctor: In that case, you should've said something different than "at trivia", because that doesn't necessarily say you're not gay.

The other proctor had a valid point. Here are some things I could've said instead:

See you later . . .

. . . at the football game.
. . . at the gun show.
. . . at the rattlesnake round-up.
. . . at the demolition derby.
. . . at the ultimate fighting cage match.
. . . at the bear hunt.